I’m pretty sure this is an old stand-up routine from one comedian or another, but I can’t put my finger on it. Any idea, folks?
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It’s from Bill Mahers current book The New New Rules.
No. It was in a comedy routine before then.
Sounds like George Carlin, but I’d have to dig it out to make sure.
It maybe tommy cooper
someone should look up the word “Miscarriage”
+1. The expecting part is sadly apt.
mis·car·riage
noun \ˌmis-ˈker-ij, -ˈka-rij, ˈmis-ˌ\
Definition of MISCARRIAGE
1: A lucky break.
2: Freedom from child support.
Someday you’ll regret saying stuff like this. Having a kid is literally the greatest thing that could ever happen to a person.
I love it when people say stuff like that. Clearly it’s a coping mechanism to try and convince yourself that the years of misery are actually Worth It, and that your drunken decision to not use a condom was NOT a mistake. Do you really think you’re fooling the rest of us, though?
Yes, clearly it’s a “coping mechanism” and I was “drunk” and “didn’t use a condom”. It couldn’t possibly by that my wife and I were trying for 2 years to have a baby and suffered our own miscarriage and now have a son that means the world to us. No,that couldn’t be it.
That’s awesome for you guys, and I think that this dude’s comment about miscarriage being good was stupid, but it is true that some people are better off without kids.
Thanks Rebecca!
Oh Mah gawd its arther Dent!!!!
You sir, are wanted for questioning about a cat, and a sofa.
Oh. Sorry, I assumed you were unlucky and/or foolish. I didn’t realize that you’re retarded. My bad. Good luck with the spawn. You’re gonna need it.
No, he was really lucky. Lucky he didn’t get a sociopath like you.
For the last time, Katie, NO, I will NOT knock you up. Stop asking.
Your not funny….
@Joe – Obvious 12 year old is obvious.
You’re*
thank you
Successful troll is successful! +10 interwebs for you sir
DO NOT FEED
and that took all the humor in you, did it?
this is fail blog, people come here to laugh (if lucky) to other people fails….. you don’t find it funny, fine, don’t laugh, but being as sensitive as a seismograph is really killing it for the rest of us……
Yeah, you’re right. Your parents shouldn’t have bothered.
Did you think your answer was going to influence anybody’s lives or were you just being retarded?
Also: Unless your name is actually Arthur Dent, don’t steal from the hitchhikkers guide to the galaxy. I like Arthur Dent. I don’t like you.
Dude shut up Leave the guy alone
Except… oh, I dunno, what’s that other thing? Oh, that’s right; 8 hours sleep a night and piles of leftover cash.
Stay classy
David Mitchell also said it.
So, when I’m “expecting to get paid”, I might instead be hit by a car or something? I don’t think “expect” means what that guy thinks it means(or whoever started it) – there is generally one outcome you’re expecting with the possibility of happening or not happening.
Demetri Martin’s done it too.
I thought so too. That man is a GOD.
Eddie Izzard, Mitch Hedberg?
I remember George Carlin saying that or atleast something very similar.
^This. And that’s why facebook suck…
it just happens to be human
Sorry, but no. Wasn’t Carlin, but I can’t remember who it was… it has been in someones show before Mahers book… having a senior moment. (and that was Carlin!)
I think Surly up there has it. This is almost definitely Demetri Martin.
It is similar in tone to Carlin’s bit about “happens to be”
I have a friend who *happens to be* black.
His parents were black?
Yes,
And they f***ed?
Indeed they did.
I should think it would be more surprising if he *happened to be* Scandinavian.
It already happened: Raptor Jesus is my Lord!
But that was not expected…
So copying and pasting standup routines counts as an EPIC WIN?
Wow, this place has again proved itself to be a useless shell of its past.
I know this is standup. I know only ONE person has used it in its act.
I know i have heard the act.
I know it’s definitly not Caling, Hedberg, Izzard, Martin or Mahers.
But, it was referencing a chimpunk rather than a velociraptor
Or, a chipmunk!
I’m pretty sure it was Jim Gaffigan. I think in his Beyond the Pale special.
Yup. It was.
Bill Cosby
This comment has been removed.
I think Jerry Seinfeld used it. Not sure if it’s his material, though.
I thought this was from xkcd, but maybe he took it from someone else…
And Facebook posted it in December (i.e. two months ago): http://dating.failblog.org/2011/12/27/dating-fails-knowing-velociraptor-preggers/
It was Jim Gaffigan, for sure!
I’m pretty sure it was Gary Gulman.
Louis CK, definitely
All stand up comedy is ripped off.
If I’m not mistaken, George Carlin first said this in his L.A. special in the late ’70s.
But in the late 70s, velociraptors weren’t a thing. They shouldn’t even be a thing now, except in 1993, a little-known independent art-house flick called Jurassic Park mixed up a cool Montana dino called deinonychus (big, dangrous, found in Montana) with a little egg-stealing, proto-mammal-munching dink called velociraptor (little, dangerous to tiny animals, found in Mongolia). This was based on lazy book writing, but still, before 1990 or 1993, velociraptors weren’t a big deal of a dino, thus not good fodder for a comedian’s punchline.
So if he did this joke back then, he probably didn’t say “velociraptor”.
Chrichton didn’t “mess up” – at the time, there was some confusion/debate about the classification of several species of dinosaurs. You could say they “messed up” because the Deinonychus’ in the movie didn’t have feathers, but, again, that’s something which wasn’t known at the time.
But yes, Jurassic Park was primarily responsible for popularizing “Velociraptors”.
also “velociraptor” is a lot easier to say than “deinonychus”…
It could also be a bar of gold, wouldn’t that be wonderful? Knock her up and 9 months later she gives birth to a 24 caret bar? Although I can’t be the only one who’d prefer the velociraptor.
Solid-gold velociraptor?
Uh… the dude from Surviving The World did it, actually. That’s one of the ways it got popular, but by now, so many people have said it that it would be a bit impossible to track down who said it first.
It was a Demetri Martin joke at one point
I believe Brad Stine (not ben stine) Told this joke very funny guy.
Yes, Brad Stein did this routine, but I think someone did it before him.
I’m pretty sure the first time i heard a version of this was from “Deep thoughts by Jack Handy”. I think this is an old joke that has been quoted by many comedians over the years.
George Carlin (AKA God) from way long time ago
Kind of sounds like a Mitch Hedberg line, it’s all in the delivery. Of the joke, not the velociraptor. But that would be interesting too.
demetri martin
It was George Carlin
I believe it was a comedian that had the name Jen something.. gah, I can’t remember the name. :-/
Bill Hicks?
this was on failblog earlier this year…
i saved the picture
It was my dad. Not a comedian. My father wrote it on a page called Words To Live By (WTLB) on Facebook. And unless you have any proof that it was a professional comedian that said it first, I’m giving him the credit, THANK youverymuch.
sorry, my older sister is just trolling
its not cool when ppl quote on fb and don’t give credit. douche bag.
Arthur Dent…. DON’T PANIC remember to always bring your towel and everything will be fine.
Thanks. Thanks a bunch.
I’d just taken a large mouthful of water when I read this. I did manage to avoid spitting it all over my computer, but I choked instead. And then, laughing and struggling for breath, I coughed until I puked up the water I’d just barely managed to swallow, plus a load of ewwy bits. Fortunately, I;d put the laptop down, so I only threw up on the carpet.
But thanks to this I nearly drowned in about 10ml of water, and had to clean sick off the carpet.
im white so i just hope the kids are always black
Was it Paul Reiser in his book Babyhood?
I’ll put an end to everyones guesswork. It was Newcastle Comedian Ross Noble on his DVD “Things”.
stand-up version of a repost i guess
Saw this on Comedy Central Recently. Can’t remember who, maybe donald glover of community
This is also on page 100 right now. Of this blog. Page 100 is probably where everyone heard it.
I’m relatively certain that it is Louis CK, from his stand-up routine “shameless”. I may be incorrect, but it’s rare.
For those of you that are wondering, I actually went back and watched it.
Dimitri Martin was the one who said this in the first place.
demitri martin?
Aside from the raptor part, I have heard George Carlin make this joke before, and for all of you kiddos, George Carlin came BEFORE Dimitri Martin.
There’s something to argue over. XD
It was Jerry Seinfeld. Idiots.