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NOOOO!!!
Lets see 1:30am on a Saturday night and a drunk 17 year old Amish kid. I think that horse has had a very rough night.
I think he was framed!
He was giving a gallop poll?
Okay, he may have been poled, but you don’t want to know about the mane event.
Are you yoking?
He’s just looking to curry favor.
*bridles a little*
*Tackles*
*Squeeze*
*squeeeze*
*hem…..your girth is showing.
I don’t mind a bit.
*Nickers*
Your Neighbours may though.
Yikes! That would be one heck of a night-mare.
Hay, you know you can’t foal me!
I wasn’t trying to stirrup trouble, honest.
Well, still, you might want to change tack.
Hmmm, okay.
*Spins a tail*
No need to get hoofy.
*squeezes peeps*
So…any trolls need pommeling today??
Wait and see of any them reins on our parade, DW
I’m sure we’ll need to Epona troll or too.
Well, if any happen along, we’ll glare at ‘em until they withers.
It’s no matter, they canter spoil our fun.
Yeah, then they’ll feel sorry for themselves and get all sulky.
Why can’t we just shoe them?
Because all the shoes are in this cabinet that’s fastened by a fetlock.
Just ignore them. They’ll trot along to some other site when they get bored.
Rats! Has anyone tried to stifle them?
Dangit, late again; now the joke is pastern.
Did he reach wither(s)ing heights?
The kid was clearly un-stable.
I agree. A complete setup.
The Amish have drinking problems. There are some groups of people who just do have a problem with alcohol products.
Horsepower…1
Ditch ……3
Yea, but how the hell do you crash a horse?
Stop beatting that dead horse already.
Poor
horsebuggy.Are you putting the buggy before the horse?
Why does the buggy get sympathy?
Won’t someone please think of the
childrenbuggy!Thank you, Helen Lovejoy.
Perhaps Arthur or granny can describe to us how one overdrives an animal.
*makes popcorn and waits*
*readies the snacks and sits waiting*
Put it up to 11.
You’re on ten with your guitar, where can you go from there?
Spinal Tap’s guitars go up to 11 :p
I suddenly have an image of a horse pulling a heavily decaled, The Fast and the Furious-esque carriage with a NOS hooked up to the horse (in a somehow humane and minimally invasive fashion; I want to freak you out as little as possible, Leila.
)
*squeeze*
Shadow, I appreciate it … I think.
*squeeze*
Now I suddenly have an image of someone getting too close to the horse with a lit cigarette…
I suddenly have an image of a horse pulling a heavily decaled, The Fast and the Furious-esque carriage with a NOS hooked up to the horse and someone getting too close to the horse with a lit cigarette…
I suddenly have an ¡mage of a horse pulling a heavily decaled, The Fast and the Furious-esque carriage with a NOS hooked up to the horse and someone getting a little too close to the horse with a lit cigarette…
*has triple vision*
Who spiked the tequila?
I dunno but I am having a carafe of it right now!
*hic*
*takes three HYOOOOGE swigs of spiked tequila*
What do you spike tequila with?
Iii’mmm sssuuurrreee iiittt wwwaaasssnnn’ttt mmmeee ooorrr Ssshhhaaadddooowww…
*hides Everclear bottle behind back*
Wasn’t me. I’m unconscious down there ↓, remember?
I heard of overdriving a whore before. I think it’s normally called assault though.
Assault and pepperspray?
only if the check bounces
*champs at the bits*
*throws saddle on granny*
*bolts through the stop sign*
Uh oh! Looks like Granny’s got the trots.
*runsawayatafullgallop*
I canter run fast enough on this knee…
*prays*
*ignores all the signs*
*pursues Judy*
EEEEEEP!!!!
*dives into nearest hole to hide*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*races to rescue Judy*
*Digs ditch*
*Lies in wait*
Gah…..*falls over ditch*
Oops!
Sorry, I was trying to cut off Granny.
*Cuts to the chase*
Welcome to the gutter!
Ooof! Mmmmmf! Pmffffssshhh!
Can you people please get off of me? It’s hard to breath down here!
*attempts to clamber out of gutter*
Every time she tries to get out they pull her back in.
Why does that sound so familiar?
Oh, sorry Judy!
*Cannels Bill Clinton*
I’m having to become quite an expert in this business of asking for forgiveness.
*Squeezes Leila for being so pop culture impaired*
I said it so you’d *PitySqueezeMe* Marius.
Wait. I think I just lied.
*Pants on fire*
HAH! I am not wearing pants!!!!
Quit skirting the issue, Leila!
That’s sa rong!
I’m on a boat
You know your a bad drunk when you crash a buggy.
You know you are too drunk when you crash a horse.
You know you are too drunk when you are arrested for overdriving a horse.
Why don’t we shout some more?
Beeeeeh!
Relieving yourself in front of everyone again, Arthur?
You wish!
I think Brewski’s brief return has made Judy (and many others of us) nostalgic for the days when extreme sexual tension and wanton display of male (and female) genitals was a signature of this site.
Am I wrong, Judy?
*taps foot*
16, but my mind is much older. Why?
*innocent look*
At your age I already had four years of, um, training. So don’t listen to
momLeila.Your friend’s mum doesn’t count Arthur. Hell, if we’re counting friends’ mums then…then I was umm… *counts fingers*
*cry*
I’m so ronery…
*cry*
Did you misspell horny?
I think he meant ‘ornery’, sis.
Same thing, no? Heeeee!!!
As Freddy would say, I want to ride my bicycle.
*hugs*
I lubs you,
DaddyArthur.Good. Now go wash my car.
What car? All I see is this buggy in the ditch. Didn’t have nothin’ to do with that. Uh uh, no sir.
If you’re my father and Arthur is yours then …
THUD!!!
GANNY???? :SHOCK:
Oh, yeah! Leila is my mom and I’m her father! I’d forgotten I used to have a time machine.
Ah so Leila is her own mother, and her and her grandfather are an item. Seems easy enough.
so you guys are Amish then???
Oh, what tangled webs we weave.
When we practice to conceive?
Now, this is the trouble with turkey basters.
I did not use a turkey baster.
I just let the flies do all the work
Did you have relations with that man?
I’m glad you are fine, that’s all that counts. And your college money is enough for a new car.
He’s 16 and male and you’re surprised he chooses the sexual interpretation?
(I did, too…)
I’m nostalgic for the days before that, when there was no tension to the sexual.
Two tents?
I… don’t think he means two tents.
Oh, wait, I forgot to do this:
*rips open blouse, exposes breasts*
(Had to leave him on an up note.)
*click!*
It’s gonna be a good day.
So much to learn! Now is not the time for *clicking*!!! Now wait outside. *draws curtains*
oy! those aren’t curtains!
And you’re not Judy! Okay, Shadoooowww? You can come in now! *runs*
So… possession of alcohol at 16/17 is illegal but driving and taking pictures of semi-exposed women is legal???
Driving at 16 is legal, yes.
And, as for the pictures… I am allowed free artistic expression, am I not?
I’m a great fan of ‘artistic’ nudity
Do you only look at it for the articles, carib?
Hey!
*squeeze*
*click!*
Yup. Definitely a good day.
*squueeezeeeeeeeees LGB*
*squeeeeeeeeeezes Shadow*
If they write those articles in the nude, I’ll read them (as long as it’s artistic of course…)
*joins the squeezefest*
*squeezes carib*
Mmmmmmm … carib-y!
SQUEEEEEZEFEST!!!!!
*grabs and squeezies carib, LGB, Shadow, DrB and everyone within reach*
Hey!! Who pinched instead of squeezed? This is going to leave a bruise
*SNAP!*
I know who did it carib.
Who was it?? Are you saying it’s Gracie (aka BG)? No! She wouldn’t do that! Would she?
Who was what?
*sneakily slides protruding arm back into the grave*
So did I. But at least we know where to find him.
I think this might be as good a time as any to whip up a cuddle puddle.
*makes the necessary arrangements*
Nevermind!
vvvvv See below vvvvv
..so what was the horse doing when the boy ‘ran’ the stop sign?
Contemplating world domination?
Food fight?
Mani/Pedi?
How to floss and talk at the same time?
How to Chi your hair and drink shots at the exact time?
I think so, but where are we going to get a minature horse and 10 pounds of ice at this time of day?
Need for Speed: Amish Country.
What’s sad – our knowledge of the Amish mainly comes from the movie, Witness.
GTA Amish Nights.
+1
Clip clop, clip clop Bang! Bang! Clip clop, clip clop.
*pulls Marius out of buggy*
*jumps in*
*rides off*
*hangs about on the corner*
No donation, no salvation!
*hands over ten internets*
Save me, Marius!
*readies camera*
This should be good.
*Puts Judy away for a rainy day*
*pulls up and hops out of stolen car*
*shakes a can of spray paint*
*safety*
*tags wall with “Amish Street Gang 4 Life!”*
*hops back in stolen car and takes off*
www . gowaynecounty . com /blog/amish-street-gangs-out-of-control-in-richmond/
*throws ZA some gang signs*
I threw in 5 spaces to make it exceptionally unpalatable to ZM.
Our?
Only one hour?
That’s plenty of time.
Home..brew..is…ebil
But ebil
cookies are, um…good!
And tasty noms are ebil too, except for roasted veggies.
And hummus with wheat pita.
*salivates*
Quit!! You’re makin’ me drool, which by the way isn’t a pretty sight on a buttahcow…
Ooooooooooh!! I am suddenly craving a yogurt inspired smoothie with various berries…
*drooooooooool*
I was thinking of a Philly steak sandwich, for some reason.
Does Phil know?
He is the meaty part!
Mmmm. I think I know
whatwho I’m having for lunch today.I’d like a grilled cheese sandwich.
Terrible Minuscule Insects?
Too Much Innuendo?
Tacky Mouth Insertion, surely
Twice More, Inexplicably
Tongue my innocence?
You just haven’t had good home brew.
….oh I have….too good…that is where the ebil lies.
AH, my mistake. Yes, that is exactly where the ebil lies. Sweet, delicious ebil… Mmmm…
Probably too much Rumspringa.
RUMMSPRINGAAA!!!!! WOOO!!!!
Lookalike! Where ya been?
Searching for Mookie and Ryannon. Spain and Alabama are large places.
It’s good to have goals in life. Planning to stay here longer?
What? Leave now? And miss the barn raising? As if…
SAMMMMYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
*dances like Sammy’s avatar!*
Hey, I remember you!
Who is that running stick man?
Amish in Pare dice.
Anyway.
Actually, I think stick man is in the midst of tripping and falling on his face…
*squeeeze!*
Nah, he’s just skankin’ to the beat.
I’m skankin’, I’m skankin’, I’m skankin’ to the beat. I love Kids Bop.
Kids Bop? Really?
Can this dirty rotten imbecile join you? Kid’s Bop *sigh* One step beyond has turned into over the hill.
Well, if I’m going to feel old, might as well break out the turntable and play a few Desmond Dekker and Prince Buster albums.
*boogies*
You guys up for some reggae tonight?
*sneaks in some ska*
*joins in to add that really aged look to the group*
Lessee, I’ve got….
*rummages through LPs*
All of ABBA’s stuff, some WHAM!, Simply Red, and a slightly scratched Dream of the Blue Turtles.
*rummages*
The Cure, new model army, Queen, Kylie Minogue….hang on, who the heck put this in here?
But. . . I don’t feel old.
*Gathers up old 45 collection and weeps in corner*
Oh, I see.
*rummages through collection*
*produces Dokken, Deep Purple and Rodney Dangerfield*
Neither do I Marius, Neither do I.
This thread does make me want to throw an album listening party. I think it’d be fun, but maybe I’m too much of a music geek.
Who put that in there? ZZTop, Metallica; How to Hustle, Bus Stop, and New York Hustle with tri-fold out cover illustrating the steps…
*rummages*
Hmmm…
Several Kiss albums, the aforementioned vintage ska, Carol King’s Tapestry, Can’t Touch This 12″ single?
*adds Aha, Falco, Mr. Mister, and Survivor to the pile*
*tosses Jesus and the Mary Chain, Siouxsie, Minor Threat, Toots and the Maytals & Depeche Mode into the collection*
So… *drums fingers on desk* How about those fails? Pretty funny, huh?
Prit. Tee. Funneh.
You’re very smooth!
I try.
*squeezeLeila*
*dazzling smile*
Sorry, was at work, thanks for noticing!
Well, I am so tired that I might do that anytime…
Hahaha
Look at the Related Articles
No. :p
Gosh sis! Why are you so disagreeable?
*sisSquishies*
Because I can be?
*sissysquishy*
Carry on with yo bad self then!
OW!!
You wanna try it with me, sis? We can start small. Lessee…
*has a ponder*
Let’s go out to lunch, and when the server asks us what we want, we’ll say we’re not hungry and then leave. Whaddaya think?
ORRRRRR…
…when we can ask what the specials are and veto them all!
*crawls into post and scratches-out ‘when’*
That sounds like a lot of fun. Can we go to a Mexican restaurant and order Indian food?
Are you two trying to lure MRN back to FB?
The source of every crime, is some defect of the understanding; or some error in reasoning; or some sudden force of the passions.
~ Levi-athon
So he collapsed the horse?
Not during work hours.
he had to! Lightening was too tired after the chase
Could have been worse. At least he closed the barn door after the horse had bolted.
‘Twas like a bolt out of the blue.
poor guy, he was out on his honeymoon and had to overdrive the missus before he could get his freak on
Dude, before he left home he needed the yard sorted and had to overdirve the poolboy.
the horse has his suspicions after he came back with a pool noodle hanging out of his….. oh my look over there!
hahaha that same type of incident happened a few years ago except the guy was swerving back and forth until the wheels snapped hahahaha
Haha my Aunt saw this… apparently the chase was a very entertaining sight…
Amish teens these days….
nah. this has happened for generations.
Who do I have to hump to get the Cuddle Puddle opened today?
Best to ask by exception, chicken!
*OPENS CUDDLE PUDDLE!*
weee!!!! *plunges*
GRANNY! How many times have we told you…no weee in the cuddle puddle!
Wheee!
Weee!
*gets a bucket of chlorine*
*dumps it in*
*mutters*
Shoulda looked down here first!
*dives in*
*quickly slams gate to the CP; crushing Shadow’s face*
Sorry, this Puddle is closed until Leila does the humpty-dump on the granny.
Very well… I need room.
*grabs granny*
*douses granny with Purell*
*shaves granny’s leg*
*takes leg and dry humps*
*click!*
I need to cuddle now if you don’t mind.
*brings huge teddy bear and hugs and rocks like a baby*
*sucks thumb*
*doesn’t say whose*
*moves squeezefest down here*
*continues attempting to squeeze everybody at once*
*doesn’t say where*
Well, then I guess I won’t tell you where it’s been…
Oh…I don’t feel so good… BLAAAAAARGHHH!!!!
Good grief Bloggy was hungry today, all I did was clean up….and he ate it….
I feel a little queasy myself now
*pat*
*pat*
Watch where you step there sweetie. *sigh*
S’ok, bloggy ate it all up…..
:ick:
I accidenty more a little earlier.
(That’s not his leg.)
*dives in*
wow!
*falls in backward*
*Teeters*
*Falls across cuddle puddle – feet on one edge, outstretched hands on the other*
*jumps in after Gracie*
*lands on Marius*
OOOOF!
*Floats Dragon around CP*
*Extends arms with cupped hands for drink holders*
*dives into puddle leaving pizza-delivering Amish Fireman at the bottom of the page*
I need help carrying all this pizza.
Ooo…pizza! The REAL hero!
I will help with the pizza.
I will put it all in my belly!!!
NOM
NOMMITY
NOM NOM NOM!!!!
*does the Nestea Plunge into the Cuddle Puddle*
We made it through another one folks. Happy Friday!
*squeezes all*
*does the iced soy latte slurp*
*squeezes Scotty and the rest of the cuddlepuddle failfrens*
*SQUEEEEZE!!*
Happy Friday, Peeps!!!
*fires up the margarita mixer*
*squeezes all the fun peeps*
*thwacks all the rest*
VELVET!
*pounce-squeeze!!*
I’m so happy to see your sparkly disco ball back on the blog.
Disco lives forever.
*squeezies*
*Holds out jumbo margarita glass*
*crushes Velvet in a squeeze
*
Margaritas…..my favourite…
*turns puppy eyes on Dragon*
*makes hole in bottom of Scotty’s glass with pocket laser*
*puts own glass under his*
Where’d my post go?
Apparently, whoever is in charge isn’t as happy to see me as you guys are.
*re-glues shiny parts that fell off during pounce*
It’s all good!
Oh, what the heck….
*fills entire cuddle puddle with margaritas*
There! Enough for all and…slightly peep-flavo(u)red!
*re-squeezes all*
Wow, Leila! You inhaled that pizza so fast, you probably didn’t even notice they were bacon, sausage and peperoni pizzas!
Hitching posts together on this fail is a little buggy.
*gets out BIG straw*
*slurps happily*
Gracie, I’d never *FOOOM!* the margarita machine! Travesty! I borrowed it from the ice-dragon who lives down the street from me.
*eyes the empty pizza boxes sadly* How ironic is it that the only pizza Leila didn’t finish was the veggie one??
*squeezes all peeps within reach*
*slides under margarita level*
*begins slurping*
Where did you all come from ??? You weren’t here the last time I looked!
Wheee!!!! Happy Peeps in my Puddle!!!
*nods head*
I think I need my stomach pumped…
*falls face first into margarita*
*stops moving*
Margarita CP, good idea DW.
Hey! We should hook up the pump to a trashcan full of ice!
I think he’s just…marinating.
I never had Zombie marinated margarita before.
*flies in, tucks wings back and dives for the puddle*
*lands in a flurry of feathers*
Hiya all!
*falls backwards*
You know, Judy/DG, you look really pretty with those stars floating around your head…
*slips into unconsciousness*
*wallows in cushiony softness of dozens of pillows*
*snuggles up to Leila*
S’ok, sweetie, you’ll be fine.
(But you didn’t do it twice…)
I needed a little break.
*takes granny’s “leg” and dry humps again*
*shudders*
*goes back to rocking back and forth*
I need a hot bath.
*turns on hot water faucet*
*pours Mr. Bubble into tub*
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!!! Is that Mr. Bubble tested on animals?
I tested it personally.
So yes.
O.ok … I think.
*bubbles*
*Holds nose and flees*
Squeeeeeeeeeeeeak!!!!!
*MousySqueeze*
Oh by the way, Judy, I forgot to ask… as long you’re snuggled up in close proximity to a dozen other failpeeps… did you ever close up your blouse?
*ebil giggles*
Grannyfatclap. Twice if he likes it.
woo hoo!
DG! You don’t know where he’s been!
*readies various bleaches and hazmat products*
Hi all. I just want to show this pic on a webcomic. On the bottom is what I like to think of when the cuddle puddle shows.
ht tp://www.missmab.com/Comics/Vol_459.php
And sorry for not being on much. It is just that every one is on when I am at work, so I can’t keep up with you all.
P.S. At the start of the month, had my appendix removed.
*careful Squeeeeeze*
I hope you are feeling better.
They had to do the 4inch cut but I have already been back to work for two weeks now. Just can’t lift anything over 25lbs another half week.
Aww…feel better soon, Critter!
Zombies lose body parts all the time, but we don’t make a big deal of it.
Take it easy and get better soon!
Haha my Aunt saw this… apparently the chase was a very entertaining sight…
Not something you see every day, huh?
eros krem, you and Neko should exchange phone numbers. This kind of coincidence doesn’t happen every day… Perhaps it’s kismet!
Reply fail, but still a valid point.
Yes, maybe they will meet and fall in love, launching one of the epic romances of our time!
I love a happy ending.
*sniff.sniff*
Me, too!
I can’t wait for the movie.
Nah, they’ll change the plot for the movie, add a spy, lots of car chases, robots, and many explosions.
As long as they don’t cast Tom Cruise.
Did somebody order a dozen pizzas? There’s an Amish fireman here delivering them via horse and buggy.
Eeeeeeeeeeee!!!
*screeeeeeeeech*
Wait… Amish fireman? That doesn’t compute… I will take the pizza though.
Do they only fight fires with bukkits or something?
What kind of pizza? *drools, grabs napkins*
They use their beards to put out fires. Don’t you dare read something sexual in this Shadow or I will have to tickle you till you tinkle.
Beards vs. Fire…….hmmmm
Some sort of asbestos filament?
Looks like the kid *puts sunglasses on*
…Likes to ride drunk
YYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
ht tp://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/07/23/new.york.darth.vader.robbery/index.html?eref=mrss_igoogle_cnn
He NEEDS the money to rebuild the death star.
Oh, oh, “just rebuild it”? Oh, real farking original. And who’s going to give me a loan, jackhole, you?… You got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here, or I’m going to tell everyone what a whiny b!tch you were about Padama-may or Panda Bear or whatever the hell her name is!
LMAO!!!!!!! *SNOFFLE!*
Zzzzzzzzzzomg! My cheeks hurt from laughing so much!
Thanks, zombie man! *squeeeeeeeeeeze*
I live in Amish country. This is a lot more common than one would think. Or hope.
Me too. I drive by it every day!
In your buggy?
Only buggy I know is in my program. I doesn’t let me run.
Equinophobia – fear of horses.
And, just for fun,
Entomophobia – fear of insects.
Failblog is just getting f*cking lazy. Can’t come up with enough new stuff that they just copy from their other sites. This isn’t even that funny.
So that’s what TJ Detweiler did after Disney’s Recess finished
Pullest thy vehicle to the curb and showest me thy driver’s license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou wast driving?
not surprising. the amish drink and drink hard. The amish in our area smoke a lot of pot, too.
A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!
“Samuel! It is the police! Hit the nitrous!”
*pokes horse with stick*
*horse farts*
most wanted
Drunken Amish Buggy Races are quite popular and many of them get seriously hurt when they wreck. They carry insurance on their buggies, too.
UNDER 21 O.O
under 16 on my country
FAIL!
He wasn’t drunk driving as the submission states, he was IN POSSESSION of alcohol and 17 years of age. Overdriving the animal was the extra, needless strain he put it through, has nothing to do with drinking.
You know what the sound of an Amish drive-by shooting is?
Amish TJ from Recess in the teen years!
I have a question. What if his horses were drunk but he was sober? What would the charge be then?
He’d get nagged all the way home?