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Cheezburger Network Blog
Next time – can of beer.
AAAAHHHH!!! Brewski Abuse!!!
Wait a minute. That was a wine bottle. Phew!
Close one
Masking tape can fix anything.
Anything.
I crashed my car? Tape the bumper on!
I broke my mirror? Tape it together!
I broke my roll of tape? Cry in the corner because I don’t have any tape to fix the gaping hole in my heart because I broke my tape.
Just borrow some duct tape from Dragon. She has a lifetime supply.
That or some duck tape. They both work well.
Except that duck tape consistently fails at sealing seams in ductwork.
and every duck I know has objected to being taped ….
duck and cover
Duct tape is like the force,
it has a light side and dark side
and it holds the universe together.
hehehe that made me laugh:lol:
Like cookies and paperclips?
It’s also great for those “tie the witness up and stick his mouth shut while we figure out how to silence him” moments you sometimes get.
Which side is the dark side of a paperclip?
the inside.
duct tape + paper clips + 1magination = best fantasy, evar
Hi Admiral!
Sorry for offering up Dragon’s duct tape… didn’t occur to me that it was, er, special!
*squeeze*
No problem, Brewski…the lifetime supply is an old joke. There’s much lore involving our use of duct tape.
We are talking about masking tape not duct tape!
lol.. what… do i HAVE to
*facepalm*
Don’t worry…it’s all well hidden.
*grin*
*smooch!*
the admiral grins and bears it as the duct tape is put to good use…
I can tell the above comments were taped previously, the canned laughter gives it away.
I think your comment was shoped, I can see the pixels.
They broke one of the man rules! No alcohol wasted in the name of humor, so god punished them.
… open the other?
Yeah stick a cork in it!
That was the problem to being with! Better off with the screw top bottles …
Of course, all this trouble could be avoided if they just stuck to boxes.
With the straws?? I like those — quality wine thru a straw … :sigh:
*Goes to potty and bashes it with a box of wine.*
Wai.. what am I supposed to be doing?
Try sitting on the potty and drinking the box of wine. Do not try the opposite!
that poor “lol” looks like someone hit him with a bottle of wine — or a toilet …
:agrees:
Quit your wining.
Did you say whinny?
*starts galloping around again*
nenennenene pbbtbtbt
plllbbbbtttt! (just like doing that)
Pbbbbbblblblblblbltttt
(Yus. It’s good)
show-offs.
yes. i like the can better;
just be careful of the large crack in the front …
Oh no! DO I have a crack?
*examines frontside*
Hopefully a naturally occurring one and not caused by being hit by a bottle of wine – or a toilet….
No, no, no, we use the bottle of wine because we wish to see this naturally occuring crack. (Of course we could always just wait by her porch until it starts to rain)
*snork!*
sounds like the guy behind the camra is having a heat attack… maybe he had a sentemental attachment to that toilet…
i like your sentament.
Heat attack = hot flash?
haha! well, you would know all about hot flashes, DW
*ducks and runs, leaving a trail of love*
She’s flashed me her hotness on numerous occasions.
:jealous:
She’s a brilliant flame.
*smooch*
Woohoo!
*smooch!*
I’m back after a month’s absence, but not much has changed…
Hee!
*squeezes SoLR III*
Yup, I leave for a while, then come back full force. I’m FB’s syphilis.
As you may have observed, we have been given new smilies today. Can’t say I like ‘em, but I’m sure I won’t care in a few days. You may have noticed a new look to the blog as well. The comment paging is no longer needed, as the 600+ comments in this fail demonstrate. The reply clickie requires some scrolling to locate on deep nests.
Welcome back.
oh, squish. *replaces heat with heart*
Don’t stop there.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
he’s going to poop at his mom’s 2day
I believe this *is* his mom’s.
Top 5 answers to: How the heck did you do that?
5) That’s the last time I ask for extra beans!
4) The cat got stuck and we had to bust her out with a sledgehammer, but the first crack scared her so much she jumped out.
3) Best to remain silent and be thought a fool than to video tape it and remove all doubt.
2) I was opening a bottle of… soda.
1) …that’s when I invented this… the flex capacitor… it’s what makes time travel possible.
I don’t recall any mention of a flex capacitor in the movie Back to the Future… did it make time all stretchy or something? OH wait, you mean the flUx capacitor, something on which only nerds like me would get pissy enough to comment.
I’ve been working on building a flux capacitor. Damn thing keeps sticking to stuff.
I would much rather have my own oscillation overthruster
The Flex capacitor is obviously what musclebound time travelers use.
Or he could just not eat fiber today.
or work on his quads and just hover …
Now that’s what I call hard liquor!
It’s going to be hard to beat that comment.
It’s a hard knock life?
Maybe something from Stone Brewing. Or Red Rock Winery.
He’ll be going to the Rock Bottom Bar and Grill later.
And then to Stone Hill Winery.
And then on to the Hard Rock Cafe.
To listen to the Rock Bottom Remainders.
Do they play rock…any hard covers?
This is hardly the time for such stony remarks.
that coment should be written in stone!
but not taken for granite.
how can everyone be so funny?
‘cuz when I make a joke like that, I just get looks that say,”are you stupid?!”
Please pass the basalt, my food is a little bland.
Avis, if I had the power to move that quote to the top, I would. That was great!
Why thank you!! Hee!
I hereby christen thee … shattered.
Praying to the porcelain god, christening the porcelain boat…
it’s all the same after you’ve emptied a bottle or two.
Sure, sure, but before they empty a bottle?
Of course, I would hazard a guess that more than a few were emptied before this was attempted.
My guess: One of his buddies was using the corkscrew to open a condom wrapper and he didn’t want to wait any longer.
Now which one didn’t want to wait?
New smiley?
I used the same “code” as always. I think WordPress or FailBlog did some “updating”.
Yeah, without checking with us, first!
:cat: testing
:kitty:
:something-better-than-”cat”-and-”kitty”:
:feline:?
:meow:
:blackcat:
:lolcat:
:kittycat:
Is wink now a pirate? Or is it some sort of spasmic problem? At least I’m sure about
= blowjob.
*snork*
Hmmmm
*blinks*
I think the new smilies are disturbing.
They look a little squashed.
And they don’t have motion anymore! Poo!
Some of them look cool though.
That one should be called :Malicite:
That reminds me, isn’t sarcasm supposed to be :avis: ?
I thought that :avis: was the smiley for snark.
:monkey:
He he he
I suppose it could work for either. ‘Specially considering that some of the new smilies are identical. Twisted/Evil
Alright guys, I am posting the new !mages for this smiley set. Check my home page in about 5 minutes.
Aiki, what was that one?!?
Oooh! We get a monkey now? Cool!
:monkey:
What in the world is :bug: supposed to be?
I just checked the image list… It may not be valid in here if it wasn’t installed that way. Still working them out.
I just checked the !mage list… It may not be valid in here if it wasn’t installed that way. Still working them out.
I don’t get the bug either, and what would we use the monkey for?
Hmmm … what could the perverted people here on FailBlog use a :monkey: for???
OOH OOH!! :monkey:
*plays with his banana*
:monkey:ing around?
Basically it seems that these smiley faces are from the tango smiley extension pack for WordPress. You can look them up and try them from there.
Ok, fine. We have new smileys … maybe they made one for me?
:dead:
:zombie:
:apocalypse:
:corpse:
Shoulda guessed ….
Well ZA, you have another guest. Robert McNamara no longer has to live with himself.
*lol*
*sneaks in for Aiki/Avis squeezes*
*Applies *squeeze* to Brewski/Avis*
These smilies are definitely different.
*squeezes back*
I wonder if there’s one to denote “eww” now. And if so, what it is.
:eww: Test
Hmmm…. That would get used a lot here. :sick:
WOW!!! i really like this new smiley!!!!!
im gonna put it on all of my comments!!!!!!! (wether you like it or not!) 
what does a castrated goat have to do with anything?
Not much, he’s castrated.
Let’s see here…..
How is that eyeroll smiley!?
I looks more like tongue-sticking-out smiley!
Ummm… I think we’re stuck with *facepalm* for eyeroll from now on. That or *rolls eyes*. It’s all kinda sad.
That should do it!
Ok, Aja, how did you do that?
The ! smiley. Seems a lot of these are doubles like twisted and evil.
This could easily be used to warn about NWS clickies. Assuming it works.
Good idea, Avis!
Ohmigoodness. So much change! Did we lose Mr. Green??
*snork*
Noop. Whew!
he just got a bad botox injection….
:ick:
8*
:green:
I’m just guessing here so please, bear with me.
Let’s see, I went and tried to find them, but it didn’t tell me HOW to do them. So I’m gonna guess for awhile.
:cat:
:drink:
:booze: (there was a smiley of a martini at the site I went to)
:phone:
:call:
Testing
I wonder what this does…
*meep!*
*hides from ferocious tiger*
Sorry Dragon *SQUEEZE*
I don’t know what came over me.
Any help in how to do emicons.?
And those are?
Emocons??? Are those just the sad ones that show lots of an .. an .. hrm no idea how to spell it … has an and a sk …
:beer:
…Angst?
That was directed at Aiki. I’d like to know how to make those particular emoticons, or smilies as they are also known.
YES!!!! Yea — that’s right an N .. my brain is mush, my son was moved to ICU so now I have to sit in his room with a mask and gown on — My brain is slowly melting … but the good news is he will be transferred tomorrow to the transplant hospital and his stem cells transplant is scheduled for 7/22…
I mean a G — I had the An and st — I was just missing the G =
EmoCons — sad faces with lots of angst!
*squeezes Elsa_Mama*
That’s great news about the transplant. I’ll keep everything crossed for him!
*crosses fingers and toes*
*crosses legs*
*crosses eyes*
Thanks DW — If you want some, the Bday Fairy at ICHC is giving out flashing balls … they looked like fun! AngelPlume has jumpin around flashing everybody .. (anyone going over to fet some – be nice – FB and LOLcats are friends!)
here have a sample platter:
would you like some cheese with your smiley?
lol
grin
oops
sad
cry
eek
evil
roll
cool
!
mad
razz
idea
nuetral
arrow
wink
mrgreen
Did you just have a colonectomy, Jenny?
Hey Brewski!! Do youwant some flashing balls?? I got some from the bday fairy at lolcats — They look like fun — just bounce them and you can flash people!! Here — have a blue one and how about a red one? Do you need more than 2?
Hee! I used to have one of those. But I’ve never had my very own pair!
:monkey:
Hey — now when I roll over the smileys it tells me how to “make” it — iz that new? Or was I just clueless before?
Awww… I don’t get that. :/
It is very cool!! I do not know hwere it came from either — just showed up. WOW… something “useful” just showed up … now I am worried.
Don’t worry – the end is no nearer than it was the last time Brewski tried to stay sober. Most of us have seen that feature for a long time. Dunno why yours showed up all of a sudden, though.
I don’t either. *pouts*
Can you post all the smilies Aiki? I keep forgetting some of them. And what is that bug thing?
The smilies come from a wordpress pack called tango. I’ve found that it may contain up to 202 smilies depending on which pack version was used. I am trying to find all the installed ones. Bug apparently isn’t one that was installed. Oops. I’ll keep adding to my page as I find them.
Avis, one thing to try that I just learned today myself … right click and select “Properties”. Under Image Properties there’s Alternate text: …
Aw crud …
*ferociously feasts on moderator*
*tracks down his family and feasts on them too*
…
Let’s try this again …
.
Avis, one thing to try that I just learned today myself … right click and select “Properties”. Under !mage Properties there’s Alternate text: …
I have a mac, and it’s a laptop. What would right click be in mac language?
I’ve had this conversation before, I don’t think there is a reasonable facsimile.
CONTROL-Click
On a Mac, CTRL+click = right-click on a PC.
CONTROL plus a click allows me to either copy !mage, save it, or open it in a new window.
Which may come in handy for other such things, but it doesn’t seem to help me in this instance. Unless I’m missing something. Again.
I got up the ones that I found. If you guys find more let me know so I can add them. :rofl:
That’s all I get for my browser Avis. It may not allow it depending on the browser and settings.
*facepalm*
Blast, I’m using Firefox … you’re using iRafas (Safari). I just tried it there and “Properties” isn’t available.
.
Sorry, my bad.
The rollover thingy has always been there I believe. It’s to do with ALT attributes for the images.
Apparently, the rollover feature works on IE but not on Firefox… but the new smilies look much better in Firefox than they do in IE.
*wanders away, grumbling about modern technology*
*vomits violently every time NS mentions that cancer of the interwebz*
Actually, Arthur, that one is grilled cheese sandwich.
Hee!
I ♥ grilled cheese sammiches!!!
:monkey:
:scary: :silly: :crazy: : penguin: *test* hmmm…. interesting…
I would say that’s a safe assumption. One should be cautious about these things.
I’ve always heard that alcohol was hard enough to eat away at porcelain and ceramics but I never believed it until now.
just how druck do you have to be to think — I know, let’s open the wine with the toilet!!
Druck leads to dreck.
erg … Drunk not druck …
You have to be so drunk that your ‘n’ falls over on it’s side and becomes a ‘c’.
Usually about the time someone says; “Hey ya’ll, watch this!” is when things of this nature happen. At least the only one killed was the toilet.
The people I know who would say “Hey y’all, watch this!” are the ones who wouldn’t have to be drunk to think that a wine bottle is best opened on a toilet. Of course, they’d have no interest in the contents once it was open…
You have a point, but I don’t know what the equivalent is in that language. (Whatever that language is) I feel safe assuming that all countries have rednecks, they just call them something else.
Wine drinking Euro-rednecks. Now that’s an interesting mental !mage!
Aren’t they called Euro-trash?
Lets see — what would have been the best case scenario here — Crack the bottle open — wine spills into the toilet – glass falls in the bottle — soooooo….. do you put a straw in the toilet or take your chances with the glass in the bottle? I suppose you could strain out the glass with some toilet paper.
Yes, I couldn’t figure out how that idea would end in anything but a fail. Tells you something about them, doesn’t it?
It could have worked if it the bottle had a cap on it (which isn’t clear from the video). And if he knew what he was doing.
When you spill some in the bowl for your homies, the broken glass is rinsed out of the bottle.
Elsa, it takes a bottle with a cap like a beer bottle does (and some wine does come like that), and a ledge of some sort with a sharp(ish) edge. You place the bottle so the cap is “hooked” on the edge and the slam your hand down on the top of the bottle. I’ve seen it work…. and I’ve seen it fail miserably. The latter was when I tried to do it.
My favorite is when someone tries to open a beer with a lighter and I have to get out my bleeding control kit.
yea — I figured that, but where is the edge on the toilet to “hook” the cap?????
There isn’t one.
And that appeared to be a corked wine bottle in any case. I maintain that they were already drunk and in no need of further libations.
Hrm … i haz a confoozoled ….
Drunk people tend to be beyond logic.
Please note, I was calling the folks in the video drunk, no one else!!
poor cillin’!
Antibiotics for the lower class people?
How do homeless people cure STD’s?
Get them at the flea market, then store with brine?
Yeah, garlic is too expensive.
Hahah freaking ownt,
Hahahaha!
WOOHOO Granny!!!
That was one of the few Granny posts that could actually be reprinted for general audiences!
Congrats Granny!
I would rather not know the context though.
Oh, I just looked it up. It was a response to Mookie mentioning Stolichnaya (yay! my favorite!) It was the warning label that said drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
At least the guy in the video is not at risk of getting pregnant.
Ya never know, strange things happen…
I wouldn’t even touch a man that can’t even open a bottle of wine properly with a turkey baster!
Granny! W00tles!
*messes with smileys*
8o
:o >:)
*fails*
Congrats Granny! *confettis*
Granny got a live one! Wooo….
You are very particular, as I !magine few men can open a bottle of wine with a turkey baster, let alone do it properly.
I bet LCB could show them how! She can do things with a turkey baster that I thought were beyond the realm of human (feline?) capability!
*!magines* *shudders*
BTW… why do we say !magine any way
Because that word can be used to hack the blog. Someone explained it more fully in an earlier blog, but I’m not hunting it down.
No, it’s because the moderator is a phuqin nazi that has no creative abilities and therefore “moderates” the creative abilities of others as retribution.
Don’t ask me why?
F’real, Jimbo?
Can anyone point me in the right direction? I’m curious. Been BZ at work, haven’t had time to check all the fails…
It’s been a couple weeks. I don’t know how it all works, because I’m not much of a nerd. You’ll have to ask someone much more useful than me.
Jimbo is not a very useful penguin — lets hope he does not explode
!mage is a filtered word. Just leave it at that.
How does one open a bottle of wine properly with a turkey baster?
That I am afraid is a high guarded trade secret!
Very carefully?
.
*offers congrats to Granny for powering fail*
But how do we know, Aja, how do we know…
hmmm, the guy opening his condom with a corkscrew is though …
Haha, he’s going to have some trouble later
In two years, when he will be in the gutter, he will think back and realize this is where it all went wrong.
Yes, if only I had not broken the toilet — I would not have been forced out here into the gutter … oh why oh why didn’t I bash that bottle on the shower???
Congrats to Granny – they found a quote suitable for powering!
You mean safe enough?
Yes, nothing that had to be looked up in the Urban Dictionary.
*looks up ‘beverage’ in UD*
17 no?
And what is that, Polish?
That’s what she said….
…because it wasn’t shiny enough…
I clearly see what you did there.
I Pledge to try harder.
Duster ‘nother feather in your cap, Judy.
You really took fra to the cleaners.
(“fra”???)
Shake out those cobwebs, Judy! Who started this thread?
*squeezies*
*falls face down on ground*
*gets up, dusts self off*
Well, that’s just stupid! Even the “oops” smiley is all wrong now! Instead of looking embarrassed, I just look like I’m happy with rosy cheeks!
(*squeezies* back at you, B!)
That’s the oops face for when you pass gas and try to look innocent …
I’ll have to remember that, Elsa! Thanks!
Bulgarian, they’re university students.
That’s one way to get the glazing off a toilet bowl.
Maybe the french were right when they started saying ‘paper toilet’ instead of ‘toilet paper’.
Put a cork in it.
I just want to know why this had to be done on the lip of a toilet.
Because they were drunk and stupid.
The brilliance here was having the foresight to video it, although I’ll bet this wasn’t the result they expected.
Mine as well start where they will probably finish
I’m sure that had a hand in this yes. The scary thing though, he had probably tried this before. Otherwise I doubt that his friend would have been filming. (Unless it was a dare, which it may have been.)
Jimbo, you must be a dad, because I keep hearing my dad’s voice when I reread your first statement in this thread.
I’m not, just an expert on foolish ideas going bad because alcohol was involved. I have the scars to prove it.
My father once leaned heavily against one of the walls of a toilet (this was on a camping trip) and two of the tiles came off. He tried to reattach them to the wall and for some reason believed this could best be done standing on the toilet seat…which then broke. Of coure, this is his account of what happened. A vicar style story might be another explanation.
Come to think of it, on another occasion we invited my parents at our house on new year’s eve. He managed to lock himself up in the toilet and bend the key trying to unlock. Eventually I had to smash the window (very thick glass!) above the door and help him out with a ladder.
Strangely enough, onde day later we were invited at my in-laws’ and my sister-in-law…locked herself up in the toilet! Same thing, only this time the door itself was made of heavy depolished glass. We had to take the door out of it’s hinges to set her free.
Moral of the story: Czuhc’s family is not approved for use with indoor plumbing.
That was his family – I wonder what happened when it was cis’tern in there!
My grandfather got up at night to take a leak. He was leaning with one hand against the wall in front of him, slid away and cracked several ribs on the toilet.
I got stuck in a bathroom during my sister’s wedding. Missed the whole darn thing, and had to climb out of the window in my fancy dress.
Perhaps I should take up pipe smoking to spice up my life.
In a weird case of life imitating Failblog, I was caught naked today on our stairs by the cleaning lady who arrived half an hour too early.
Now you and Jenny have the distinction of becoming Naked Failbloggers in Real Life! Congratulations!
*Visits engravers to have trophy made*
What happened to Jenny?
Took me forever to find it!
failblog(dot)org/2009/06/29/chair-fail-3/#comment-495174
*note to self – “forever” = 12 minutes*
*begins to rethink bf saying “I’ll love you forever”*
12 minutes is enough love right? Longer than that and you start to notice character flaws. You wouldn’t want that pesky reality ruining your fantasies.
Sorry, Jimbo, 12 minutes doesn’t even rate as an entree.
Right, that settles it. And I’m growing my beard back, too.
I had just shaved mine when…
for some reason this comment made me think of the book I just finished — My Horizontal Life – A Collection of One Night Stands, by Chelsea Handler. Very Funny and she make frequesnt reference to her beaver, which was shaved and waxed at various times ….
Was she early or were you running BEHIND?
Don’t ass him that!
Butt it’s a valid question!
Asking him questions like that are sure to max(imus gluteous) his endurance though. Be polite.
My mother recently got locked in a public toilet stall. She went in, then couldn’t figure out how to open it to get back out. After over half an hour, somebody finally found her and helped her out.
Sadly, she has Alzheimers, so I don’t find it terribly funny. Which raises the question, why am I telling it?? Well, it’s kinda funny I guess.
♫ I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad ♫
*squeeze*
Sometimes laughter in the face of tragedy is the only way we can cope.
*squeeze*
It is funny how you handle your mom disease in a good way Brewski. We start out not knowing anything and we end up the same way in old age.
I saw “Benjamin Button” a few days ago. That would be a really bad movie for my folks, so I’m not going to recommend it to them (but it is a good movie). The propect of seeing a loved one slowly fade and disappear is terrifying.
OMG – I just bought that and haven’t watched it yet – - should I?
Where would the fun be if you’re drunk and acting responsible?
I much prefer being sober and irresponsible.
The bonus with that is that you know ahead of time what excuses you’ll need & have time to formulate a cover-up if necessary.
When you act stupid drunk, they send you to AA. When you act stupid sober, there’s nothing they can do.
We’ll get sent to the Admiral???
They could send you to DW.
Tempted to get stupid drunk so I can see what AA looks like.
:drunk: ::}:
I’m already stupid, does that get me halfway there?
Yes, here have a drink. We’ll race!
Nice try, Jenny. Totally futile…but nice try!
That’s reserved for DW eyes only.
Nevertheless, I’m still seeing him as Sean Connery in my mind!
In which movie?
*squeeze*
Which do you suggest, Admiral????
*squeeze*
Oh well!
*consumes drink, resumes gallop*
*resumes following Jenny with coconut halves*
Cloppity, cloppity, cloppity…
We’re not privy to that information.
True, the details have been (water) closet(ed).
Ya. They were just thone in there.
He should have used a corkscrew in loo of the seat.
Well, when you’re at a potty and can’t find the corkscrew, a bowl suffices.
(Maybe that only works in Boston. The first time I heard someone talk about going to a “party”, I did a double-take)
You don’t want to be a potty pooper and break the toilet.
Shit happens.
Regularly.
As long as you keep up your fiber intake.
I guess this fail settles the bottle versus can debate.
I can see your point.
Erm…at that point, loo-sing would definitely be a option, hammykins.
i love to loo-sing! the acoustics in my bathroom are fantastic!
I thought they were ‘christening’ the new toilet.
‘Twas a launch of titanic proportions.
Wait till they release the video of him blowing his foghorn in the broken ‘boat.’
They evacuated from the bow(el).
Don’t forget the dingleberries still hanging around on the poop deck.
Alrighty all, today I decided a themed barbecue. Its a BYOS, that’s right bring your own SALAD. (tossed ones don’t count.) I am bringing a caesar. Oh and it is potent.
Installed trampoline and now have a deck on the way.
(Update: We have the permit in hand and the digging begins in a week for my pool irl)
Make sure the contractors have insurance
Did, but the deck is going to be done by our man muscle.
Can you also play piano with your man muscles?
Can we not find out the answer to that question? Please?
Man muscle doing Emp’s deck bothers you? Well, agreed. Though I bet the topic gets tossed around.
It was the piano part that got me.
Man muscles? Does that mean he can play chopsticks?
His Dad is a drill sergeant. Not a pianist- that was 2 other guys.
Some females have muscles. What about them huh huh.
The females can hold the nails in place.
*wonders where this will end*
Well my sister and mom aren’t the handy type. Neither is my older brother for that matter. This was a personal situation though, does not apply in generality.
But caesar is my favorite – can’t I share yours? I’ll bring the parmesan for shaving on top.
Ok, we can share, but only ’cause I love you all.
*brings in a Mediterranean pasta salad with feta, kalmata olives, and roasted red bell peppers*
Here’s a salad, and …
*heaves a keg of Czechvar pilsner onto bar*
oof! That’s heavy.
Ok, I’ve got the fruit salad, but it’s “some assembly required.”
Careful, Brewski, don’t drop the keg on my…
…watermelon.
Watermelon salad, come and get it!!
Just wipe some up off the floor. Or off bearly.
*resists temptation to lick bearly*
*Fails to resist temptation to lick watermelon off Brewski*
*Licks Brewski*
*Starts to lick Brewski, thinks better of it, licks Bearly*
Yum yum yum yum…
*turns up elevator music*
*makes note to spill watermelon all over self more often*
Just don’t get too serious, because you can’t elope with any of these women.
But MRN, we’d make such a cute pear!
You guys would be grape together.
*flaunts peaches*
Wanna shake my tree?
*gawks at Jenny’s melons*
peaches n cream
*gawks @ Brewski’s Banana*
:monkey:
*sneaks up behind Jenny*
*grabs her shoulders*
*shakes her*
:monkey:
*giggles*
Wow Zombie, you are good at that.
And now I have an earworm, thanks Jenny.
*picks up a chunk of watermelon*
Ah, seedless!
*noms*
I’ll bring a few bottles of wine. Don’t worry if you don’t have a corkscrew, I’m sure we can find something around the house to open them.
*brings toilet*
Maybe we can open them with this? If not, maybe we can find another use for this after we get the bottles opened.
I’m going to contribute a lovely 3-bean salad, with sliced onion and bell peppers, all in a nice vinaigrette.
Sorry I didn’t see this earlier; thank you for your contribution!
I’m really, really surprised no one offered potato salad.
*watching my weight*
In Soviet Russia, toilet breaks you!
No.
In Soviet Russia, no means yes!
*jazz hands*
Thing is they’re speaking in Bulgarian, not Russian.
The problem is these guys know nothing about proper wine pairing. The porcelain obviously calls for a light-bodied fruity but dry white wine with crisp acidity. They used a red wine. Barbarians!
I think they used a fortified wine.
Yes, they were behaving like mad dogs, and were lacking 20/20 vision of the obvious consequences.
The consequences are rippling away as we type.
*Hops the mid-night train to Georgia*
Ironically, they were afraid to open a Chenin Blanc because they were worried it would be too steely.
Fracture lines can often be noted along the inside of a circumference therefore use a bottle opener.
Or call upon one of your eagles to rip the top off with its talons
Hello Tech law , OK but a cork screw would work better.
Hey? @ addition to name!
OK, re-watch the video and tell me if I’m !magining this, but the in the close-up shot after the break the toilet actually looks like it’s laughing!
Not sure I would laugh if someone hit me on the rim with a bottle.
10:32 am ~ r^
*kersplortch*
Oh, and that’s no ordinary wine bottle! *counts to 12*
Ummmm, is there someone we could call to come pick you up? You don’t seem well?
That is one hard ass bottle.
I didn’t know bottles had an ass.
You misread Mike. It is a hard, ass bottle that he is talking about.
*doubt that bottle belongs in anyone’s azz*
How do you remove the cork Zombie?
I’d use something harder – like a tombstone. Or the porch. Maybe a counter top? Notice all these options are considerably more difficult if the bottle is wrapped up in someone’s ass.
*sighs*
Going insane…need good sleep…stupid construction…
BRAA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-PP!!!
What’s that, M – VVVOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!
-ite, I can’t CRASH!!! RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE!
hear you!
Maybe you should use the crew’s tools to open a bottle of wine!
Why would I waste booze on another!
*throws a penguin at Brewski*
Exploding penguin? Dood?
(that’s the spelling of “dude” from a video game which has exploding penguins — so yes, it’s on purpose and no, it’s not lolspeak)
Disgaea.
*applauds furiously*
I’m pleased with you for tossing that
penguinreference out there — and proud of myself for getting it.I should pull that game out again…
I love the Tsunami Bomb opening sequence. I never finished the game, but that’s only because games like that wear on me… I never could put the time into that I needed to finish :/
I’m not sure there really is an “end” to it. My husband finished the storyline a few times — but kept playing & going through weapons & unlocking more characters. It’s a deep, deep game.
Once upon a time, I would have tried to figure out how to make an Etna Halloween costume — but now I’m far too “cuddly” to make something like that work. *sigh*
That’s a long ass game :/
I just bought myself a gameboy mono screen for two dollars Saturday it is awesome. Two games Tetras and The Hunt for Red October.
*Passes Mal wine bottle from this fail*
If it doesn’t break the tools, you can always open so many bottles that the jackhammers are inside your head when you wake up again.
Hahahahah my brother isn’t just the drilling…its these huge metal slabs they are using to cover their trenches… as cars past, I hear…THUD THUD…all night…and every THUD THUD…my eyes open… THUD THUD….THUD THUD…THUD THUD…zzzzzzzzzzZzZzzz
Two words: earplugs.
One word?
They have an extra benefit, too. You may not even hear your alarm in the morning!!!
*comes out dressed like the Predator*
Wait… I thought this was the only option…
*eyes his earplugs*
You’re right… *hurls earplugs at construction workers*
*Runs away in an Alien costume*
Peace not war.
Funny how’s there’s more money in peace, but the economics of war are so entrenched.
Sorry – close italics fail! *headdesk*
*Largely Lauds Marius for squeezing out he-knows-what on the previous Fail*
*inserts tootsie roll joke*
Cause whatever it is I think I see… Becomes a toosie Roll to me.
*Snickers*
*Tips hat to DrB*
*Wipes memory*
*taps foot* nobody said hi to me today
Hello, Rockford.
Wha?
Boulder Dash? Anyone?
Ok you lost me but whatever.
Well, hi anyway. ^^
Do you flush the ‘boulders’ down the tunnel when you are done?
or
Are you playing a game?
*dashes to the toilet*
Watch out there is a penguin right behind you.
AH, toilet wine, I miss prison……..
*pokes abstract*
I finished all of VG Cats…thank you…so awesome…
*pokes Malicite* VG Cats ?huh?
You suggested them last Thursday :/ the webcomic?
I think that was Halifax/Kirby – don’t know what to call him, but you know who I mean.
I call him Hali
oh, mine was ‘cyanide and happiness’
Oh crap, I fail…twice today…thank you both for having a much better memory then me…
Nothing like a cup of prune-o to start your day.
Toilet wine? Prison??
*gaining a whole new appreciation for Abstract*
I love that movie…
Now Failblog is eating all of my comments…SWEET
SCREW YOU FAILBLOG!!! *rattles saber*
Do you demand satisfaction?
There there, I see your smiling face! The blog just had a small lunch today, I guess.
Don’t you DARE screw Failblog. She’s full of STDS.
Gonosyphiherpilitis, to be specific.
You should probably stop rattling your saber too. You know that makes you go blind?
*gets out collapsible cane with red tip*
*wanders off*
What the??? I thought this was watermelon.
*spits out crumples Malicite thoughts*
Bottle – 1 Toilet – 0
Oh but the epic battle rages on.
hahah bulgarian students
…who got a D on their science project.
:glasses:
:kiss:
Wow – it worked
And that was kiss I assume?
Lemme try it. :kiss:
Now that looks like a :blowjob:!
:snowman:
:penguin:
8 <—- fine thats my snowman then.
My favorite smily of all time. Doubt they have it implemented here, but here goes…
:shrug:
Only a part of one though Arthur.
:kiss: 
:kiss: 
:kiss:
I see what you… tried there.
WHOA! Why did they start failing? On failblog? The indignity of it all!
Spaces between smilies.
:kiss: 
:kiss: 
:kiss:
:kiss:
:kiss: to you all!
first!!!!
first to come too late?
That sounds like a personal problem…
who would want to drink that wine even if it got opened by the toilet?
Someone drunk enough to try opening it that way?
What a bunch of Bulgarian idiots
F-I-R-S-T-!
N-O-T-!
Hey you’d better be careful or I sting you with my stingwe. OH NO! Then I would die if I sting you. You know what, I don’t sting you, you ain’t worth it and that’s my choice! I’ll hit over to that flower and suck on that stamen like there’s no tomorrow.
Now he’s mayor. First order of business: free honey for everyone! Yeay mayor bee mayor bee mayor bee- ah darn stung myself! Bye world!
Just a little by-the-by, lads and ladettes: I have news! I got a 2:1 in my degree, and I graduate on Wednesday!
Now, the bar softly calls my name… *kisses everyone*
Congratulations! Have fun!
Way to go Loz!! I’ll have a beer in your honour!
And even after you pass bar, I’ll still wonder what in hell “tsetsecles” means.
have a brewski!
tsetsecles can’t be that confusing… although it does conjure gross images…
Woohoo!!!
Congrats, sweets. I know you worked hard for it!
*smooch!*
i did. i worked so hard that i think i deserve another smooch!
teehee
:kiss:
How’s that?
*faints*
:kiss: Yay Edumication is good!
*pats Loz on the bum*
Way to go!
*snork*
I want to see the :goose: smiley!
Woohoo! *tries to open bottle of wine*
Congrats!
*wants to use the bathroom*
:urge:
*wants to eat something*
:taco:
Taco’s rule!
Especially the ones from the blue protable toilets.
Oops. Portable
I actually prefer the ones that are for tables, rather than the ones that are just with them.
*squeeze!*
Woops. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that right then…
*relaxes*
You know, once you broke the barrier of embarrasment it’s ok…
*squeezes*
Congrats from me too!
aww fanks guys
I’m really proud of myself.
…and suitably drunken. woohoo!
A well deserved fling Loz. Congrats!
Congrats!
Sewer rats!
:glasses: :sunglasses:
how do you make that one?
oh, i figured it out
:rhinestone shades:
:cheap sunglasses:
:kiss: from me, too!
Okay, I just went to accept Elsa_momma’s invitation to Lolcats, and this comment just got moderated:
*scootches in at the smell of a good schnack*
Heya folks
*wonders which part of Mr. McGreggor is that rabbit is chewing*
Your first comment is automatically moderated.
:appreciated: tyvm
*wonders if it’s toilet to correct the typo*
Here DrB .. I brought some of the flashing balls back with me… What color would you like? How about a nice pair with purple and pink polka dots?
Hopefully Krazy Glue can fix a toilet.
It does, I’ve done it.
They should try the toilet water. It makes you puke the same.
did he die?
*facepalm*
New emoticons?WHERE!?!?!?!?!?!?! I LOVE EMOTICONS
Yes master. Try them. :monkey:
A MONKEY!?!?!
*suddenly realizes there isn’t one that looks angry anymore*
:angry:
>:-|
>:-(
Thanks IUL, I was getting all upset about it.
ok, tell us how to do some of these, I’ll try first t duplicate what you have made here.
:caution:
you betcha :monkey:
I MUST DO THE MONKEY :monkey:
AWWWWWW YEAAAAAHHHH!!!
The :monkey: is cute.
Wow that first comment train is a long one.
xCainex, I hear you got a Moomin squeeze today! You look so glowing, so … marshmallow-y!
Must…resist…urge…to…bite!
In any case, I think I will skedaddle, just to be safe!
xCainex, who is so nice and marshmallow-y! As for you, Brewski, I thought you’d enjoy that sort of thing!
*squeezes Brewski before he skedaddles*
*squeezes Bearly*
*Squeezes Lurk*
Hi! Good to see you!
*sneaks back from lurking to give lurk a return squeeze*
*snuggles against Brewski* Can I be your baby on here? I am a kitten after all
Well, I already have a cat, and he’s a handful. But a kitten is a nice stress-reliever at work! Thanks!
*gives neck and head rub*
Whoa, whoa, WAIT. Taya, aren’t you Leila’s kitty? What are you doing, scamming on other humans while she’s away?! Are you a loose kitten?
I’m her kitty but I don’t have a Daddy…
and also because of Brewski having an hors d’oeuvre instead of a baby peppermint patty…
Brewski had an hors d’oeuvre? Man, work makes me miss so much! Did somebody eat your hors d’oeuvre, Brewski?
You weren’t around for the birth? That was Friday’s 1pm fail.
Oops, not Friday, Thursday 1pm. Friday was a holiday.
he had a squid…thing
so I had asked to be Brewski’s baby instead because I am a baby kitten, and I am Leila’s kitty but you can have an owner and still need parents, you know?
We got kind of busy, but I did read about the rest of it when I had a chance. I remember the new arrival being called a squid. I guess I just didn’t connect the dots in my head. :glasses:
what’s that one?
:bite: ?
*Holds out petition and pen*
arg, they are the same thing!!!! but so much cuter, like little bubbles. I am so torn…
*sign sign pass*
*leaps from the ground*
*doesn’t waste time shaking off dirt*
*takes pen, signs petition*
.
Thank you.
.
*slinks back into ground*
*flies down from the sky*
*signs with just a touch of heat vision*
There ya go, though I don’t use ‘em much.
*flies off again*
I didnt get any squeezes!
Hint: you sound like you’re playing the sympathy card, which doesn’t usually work very well.
Patience, takes a while to get to know people. If you’re friendly, people will be friendly back. And I’ve seen you’re a good sport and have been playing nice, so here’s one.
*squeeze*
Not worth much… no cash value, void where prohibited by law. Sorry.
I value them more than anything in the universe!!
:D:D
I KNOW. IT MADE ME HAPPY
I really did not see that coming. Makes me giggle minutes later.
I did see it coming … but that probably doesn’t say good things about me.
anta baka!
Does anyone need 3 gallons of mineral oil (I have some left over from my mineral oil PC)
Might I mention that its Equestrian grade.
Give it to that constipated happy-face. It could use a little loosening up.
HEY, what’d I do now? Oh, sorry …
Bah. Fake/staged.
NO YOU!
Yeash My Avatar changed
Well I’m off to go play my guitar for 1000 people. PEACE
I am so 2 by 4 …….boarddddeded
Oh good, I feared you meant flat as a board and easy to lay.
That made me laugh
OK, quick true story before I head out.
When I was little, I was often bored, and would frequently tell my parents (to their annoyance): “I’m bored!” Well, during Christmas season I would scope out all the presents under the tree. I’d judge which ones I thought were likely to be the best, and plan on opening them last.
So one year, I am down to my last gift (from my folks). I’m all excited, because it’s heavy, and has a funny long shape, and I figured it just had to be really good. I opened it up and found… a section of 2×4 (lumber). With it was a piece of paper, explaining that it was a “boredom board”. I could use it to whittle toothpicks, as a bat for baseball, etc etc. I never did forgive my Dad for that one!!
(abstract, if you’d rather not hear stories like that just say so…I sometimes forget a lot of us come from very different backgrounds)
I think this is a good story and it fit right in with the comments!!
So go for it — tell us your stories like that — just not all at once!!
Excellent home boy.
My dad once made me a plywood birthday cake with whipped soap frosting.
True.
I remember making art with whipped soap! It is one of my favorate kid memories.
Did your Dad make you eat the cake when you said dirty words???
no, Brewski, that was actually really funny to me. Thanks for sharing it. I had already left for the day, but I came back to read it.. *squeeze*
More smiley tests…
:smirk: smirk
OH!: DOH!
:tiger: tiger
:heh: heh
:ghost: ghost
:skeleton: skeleton
:music: music
:pirate: pirate
:zombie killer: zombie killer (nuuuooooo!)
:music note: music note
:quiet: quiet
:struggle: struggle
:thinking: thinking
:doh!:
:waiting:
:hypnotized:
:sleepy:
:shame:
Pfft. I’m not impressed thus far.
At least :zombie killer: failed.
Of all, I agree – that’s the one I really didn’t want to work.
Didn’t see that coming….
that happened last year when they were christening ship in Shanghai.
jajajaja!!! is the better “fail”.
and they are gonna piss in the sink lol
I say. I do often fancy a strong drink, but that is ridiculous…
that looked like the kid from superbad… this shoulda been a scene from that movie
Are you knowledgeable in all things Hoyt?
The only one that looks any good isn’t even a smiley.
O.o ?
Nope, they don’t even have that. Meh!
bottle win.. toilet fail
Porcelain VS Glass in tonight’s smackdown. The match will show who has the most sand. Who’ll be there to pick up the shards?
middle easterns drinking liquor? go figure…
I believe that is bottle fwin toilet fail.
Generation dumbass. He want to open this way the bottle? oh my god. A key, a small piece of wood, the backside from a spoon thats enough. I am sure he work at the IT
alcohol win, brain fail
This is from Bulgaria
Subtitles:
- Wait.
-Absolutely ….
- We`re opening the beer, no no the wine.
- Open the beer ok …
*Bang*
- Oh no what happened … oh damn what felt … that`s more important ..
That’s not a very happy way to open a bottle of wine.
I have seen a bottle of sparkling wine broke open with the edge of a downhill ski – that worked.
should be renamed toilet fail.
so did they get the booze open?
who christens a toilet? geez.
that makes no sense
This video has been removed due to terms of use violation.
It’s a FAIL FAIL!
It doesn’t work for me either. Was it good, peeplets?
I christen thee the Flying Wasp!
double fail cause who uses a toilet as a bottle opener? that’s yuk
They’re all like “Ooh, what happened, we broke the toilet”
The clip has been cut, but I have the original, where they break off some more of the toilet…
wy u talking bout DAT gay >.<
Bulgarian fail. To be proud of our nation’s idiots or to hang our heads in shame? – that is the question. Bunch of cerebral abortions…
Duh! Ceramic is not as strong as glass.
Chuck Norris once did that with his urine stream
european men are so sexyyyy….~
nothing wrong with Viddler. Use it all time!
gorilla glue kicks ass…..
Friggin hilarious! That sux for the guy though…
sux for the person that has to take a dump
ludi ste be .. ali hahah
Blahahah tva beshe umno!
dam… nenormalni kopelenca
Here’s A fail
JUSTIN BEIBER
JUSTIN BEIBER HAS NO WEINER