Weight Loss Fail
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Cheezburger Network Blog
I’m sure this diet plan will be popular.
I think it already is.
.
*another victory for the home crew!*
I already gained 250lbs on this diet!
I’m looking for Mr. Goodbar…
I got your peanut butter cup, baby…
Can I grab hold of your Reese’s Pieces?
Men are from Mars and women just want pea-ness.
…and chocolate!
My pea-ness is Good and Plenty. Want some?
Yes I want some and you will need to give me a break after that and break me off a Kit-Kat bar.
*tries to hand Kit-Kat to Leila*
*drops it on floor*
Whoops! Butterfingers!
Twix, twix, twix.. oh what almond joy…
*cleans up Brewski’s mess*
Candy, Candy, Candy, Candy I love you so!
♪ You’re rock candy, baby!
So hard, sweet and sticky!! ♫
So… who can name that tune?
Bonus points if you know the full name of both singer and guitarist.
Motley Crew? *googles* LA Guns?
BZZZZZZTT!!
Wrong answer, but thanks for playing!
Montrose – Ronnie Montrose & Sammy Hagar
Oh yeah, Rock Candy
You little yellow sweetie
You were hiding in a jar
Now my mind is gone completely
Take off the lid and there you are
You’re my caaaaaaan-dy
Rock Candy – Montrose
Cant be bothered to wiki the names
Only if you Baby my Ruth, brewski.
You want a Milky Way on your Jelly Belly?
It depends on how flexible your Twizzler is.
eeeewwww…
Ah, I see we have a young initiate in our midst! Stay away from her Mounds!!
SK also is unaware of my flexibility requirements.
.
And no Fun Size bars! Well, unless you plan on using the whole bag. Then I can make an exception.
well, video would help.
Sorry, I don’t have a Youtube account. You’ll have to use your i-m-a-gination.
*Nestles into a chair to watch Velvet videos*
*Snickers as velvet gets a little Almond Joy from her Sugar Daddy*
Hahaha i think Brewski’s gonna have some white chocolate in his pants after that HAHAHAHA
Skor
nutty buddy
Except for Peppermint Patty
Would you do her for 100 Grand?
Throw in a Klondike Bar and we have a deal.
I’m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike Bar!
What, put $1.25 in the vending machine and buy one?
.
*curiosity is killing this Kit Kat*
I don’t know, once I got past the butch look and the green sandals, it wasn’t that bad.
*Facepalm*
You can do that?
why am I getting a cheap 70’s tune in my head…
shake shake shake
shake your boobies
shake your boobies
shake shake shake. …
*Gives Hershey Kisses all around*
*gives Hershey Hugs all around*
*gives Hershey a hug*
Be careful, he’s very brittle.
actually, he’s dead.
ZA is here?
*Snickers*
I guess ZA IS here.
Bring out your deads
Bring out your deads!!!
I’m not quite dead yet. I’m feeling better!
no you’re not….
*takes a barrell of monkeys and drops them on Brewski’s head*
Yes you are dead.
Need I remind everyone that I’m actually UNdead? Keep your damned coroners and morticians away from me, they’ve already had their chance!
*!magines Atkins rolling over in his grave*
Hershey’s… the great American diet plan…
come on, sing it!
btw – chocolate is a health food, especially the dark chocolate.
*snork* Oh great! The world’s shortest earworm! Now I’ll never get that out of my head! (It’s kind of cute, though…)
indeed it will be.
That’s my kind of diet!!
I am officially on the Ghirardelli chocolate diet.
*drools*
Do we have meetings, like Weight Watchers?
Yes. But we don’t weigh each other; we weigh the chocolate bars to see if the wrappers are honest.
“My name is Fluffy and I’m a chocoholic”
Hi Fluffy.
*applauds*
Thank you Fluffy for sharing. Who’s next?
My name is Leila and I am a sex addict.
My name is Starfish and I would like to hear more about your problem Leila.
*looks forward to the day when Leila’s comment powers a fail*
*wonders what that video will look like*
.
.
.
*actually wonders if I’m in the video*
I’d be willing to bet we all are!
Especially based off of yesterday’s antics.
Why don’t we make and submit the video, just so we have some artistic control?
I know Ms B and Brewski will be on the video for sure.
Hey! I resemble that remark!!
*squeezes Brewski*
That’s one of the things we love about you.
Aw, shucks! Thanks lurk!
*smooch!*
What did I miss yesterday?!
*dresses as a chicken, so no one thinks she’s an candy easter bunny*
I prefer the term “Chocolate Connoisseur.”
Agreed!
yes. meetings are every afternoon at Chocolate World. in front of the no-longer Starbucks coffee stand.
I will bring the chocolate brownies for our meetings.
and I will bring the new, the improved! sweet & sour filled twizzlers… “as always, a low fat snack!” “tangy inside!”
hmmm… why are there so many empty candy wrappers under this desk. …
cuz it’s the new twizzler product… I like things all shiny and new.
not much worst than a used twizzler, is there?
Actually, that sounds pretty good!
I’m more apt to grab a fruity flavored candy than a chocolate one.That is, if there’s no chocolate available.*stares at Judy with horror*
FRUITY FLAVORED SNACK??? HAVE YOU NO SHAME???
Chocolate is a fruit…………………………sort of.
You mean coco is a fruit…not chocolate, yes?
And the good stuff (dark) is good for your heart!!!
yes….its what I meant…………..so technically, with a bit of a stretch….chocolate is in fact fruit flavoured, sort of!
Chocolate is a vegetable. Its a bean. Beans are good for you. Therefore, chocolate is good for you.
Uh oh… that means she probably likes Swedish Fish, Fluffy. Run away!
*perks up*
Swedish Fish!?!?
GIMME!!
uh uh.. better warn cousin Agenta.
Actually, I much prefer gummi bears…
*stands on scale with two Hershey bars*
*unwraps bars, eats, tosses wraps away*
Hurray!
Does everyone here like chocolate?
Don’t you? Wait, you’re Dutch = legal weed = chocolate. You love it.
I don’t like it, when I think of the taste it grosses me out already,
Dutch = legal weed = Pear juice and lots of food.
I am actually shocked. A human being who doesn’t like chocolate – is it a sign of the apocalypse?
I did like it, but I guess a few years ago I ate to much of it. Easter time, you know?
Certainly, but that effect isn’t lasting long for me. Give me two weeks and I’ll eat chocolate again.
The word makes me feel itchy already.. :S I really don’t like it anymore.
Are you pregnant? Sometimes that’ll do it. Have you been webcamming, Hairy? Tsk!
Nature has decided that I will never get pregnant, so I guess not.
Arnold was…
Junior mints?
*snickers*
snickers is not a hershey’s product… stop mixing your metaphors, errr, chocolate bars.
Yes, Kraft your puns carefully.
Kraft? Surely you have gone crackers.
Yes, yes I do believe it is a second sign of the apocalypse. Sign one was a buildup of bodies in morgues (RE: something from yesterday, I don’t remember, I’m a zombie dammit!), sign two is someone who doesn’t like chocolate. I think.
.
*anxiously awaiting the third and final sign*
Hi guys! Great news! I’ve been born again! I’m going celibate, cleaning up my act, and joining the priesthood. And I really think you all should repent and clean up your act. It’s disgusting!
God bless you!
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
*runs out of the room screaming and waving her hands*
Brewski!!!
Come back to us!
Oh no. It’s here. Clicky for the next logical move!
Great reference! Kinda the mathematicians’ equivalent of trying to get as close to the top of a new fail as possible.
Are you suggesting that the mathematicians are trolls? ‘Cause I kind of admire that bravery in the face of the end of the world.
Apocalypse kind of takes the meaning out of “Publish or perish”.
Bwahahaha! You’re funny!
THAT’S IT!
.
*gathers zombie army to take over the world*
*doesn’t realize he’s taking his time, he thinks he’s rushing*
*zombies don’t tell time well*
Hhmph! And I was over the top yesterday?
*grabs potato*
Repent this Brewski!
*giggles*
(At least one part of him will not be celibate!)
Which is…?
Never mind.
I’m blond… therefore, no mind.
What? What kind of question is that? What human doesn’t like chocolate?
My hubby doesn’t. Weirdo! I had a hard time with it at first, but then I realized, I don’t have to share!!!
Win for you Ms B.
OH!!!!
*just remembered secret stash of Dove™ mini chocolate eggs left over from Easter*
nomnomnom
Here “Dove” is a brand name for soap products.
soapy chocolate? found only on mars. …
Dove in the states is one of the many “specialty” chocolates you can get here. I put the word in quotations because it’s pretty much the same as a Hershey’s bar. The good stuff isn’t usually displayed near the register. Unless you’re in a fancy store.
I should also say that Dove claims to be fancy.
Same for the soap.
*snerk*
Ohhh Dove chocolate is soooooooooo much better than Hershey’s. But I love Cadbury the best. Even better than Godiva. And Dove Ice Cream Bars. Even Antonio would have to wait if I had one of those.
.. but Cadbury’s in the western hemisphere is made by Hershey’s so… Bliss is what I miss most of all.
Other than dark chocolate (German) what is considered good/fancy chocolate?
One word – Godiva
Oooh, say it again! I’m getting little shivers of delight!
Sorry, but FB doesn’t like repeat posts.
(I even have an inside-the-store connection!)
That’s right! Godiva. I keep forgetting. They have a bar with raspberry filling they sell @ Macy’s checkout counters. I can never resist.
I forgot about her! Godiva does indeed make good chocolate.
My brother used to date a call girl who went to Europe on -er- business. She brought me back some Swiss chocolate. Couldn’t tell you the brand, but it was true chocolate heaven! *sigh* Why couldn’t he have married her?
too much vegetable oil for my tastes. v.o., however, works well for other pursuits.
Of the kind that is relatively easy to find, Lindt is good. When I lived in St. Louis, I used to go to Karl Bissingers (three blocks away or so) and get really good fresh chocolate every once in a while. I used to know the names of some good brands, but have forgotten them. Whole Foods carries some good stuff though.
Lindt huh? I don’t believe I’ve ever tried it.
*googles closest Whole Foods store*
Guess I know what I am doing this weekend…
Pffft! You can buy Lindt in gas stations in CT. Whole Foods does have good chocolate (and good cheese, and good…) I’ve heard good things about Bissinger’s, but not had it. Fresh is always great. We had a mom-and-pop homemade ice cream/chocolate shop near my house where I grew up, and I was there a lot (mostly for the ice cream).
Speaking of chocolate in general, Whole Foods was the 1st place I tried chocolate with coarse salt on it. It might sound weird, but it’s an incredible combination.
That’s why I said relatively easy to find!! Lindt is significantly better than Hershey’s, c’mon!
And the good chocolate at Wole Foods should be found in the specialty (cheese) department.
I’ve had chocolate with lemon and peppercorns – it’s a little too… spicy, maybe?… for my taste.
Salt and chocolate?
I know someone offered me brownies made with chili powder? I didn’t try it but I’ve always wondered what that would taste like.
Sorry, Avis, I shouldn’t pretend to be a chocolate snob. You’re right.
I don’t partake in most ‘typical male’ rivalries (eg, Yankees v Red Sox, etc), but being a fan of Starbucks and Godiva triggers an automatic anti-Dunkin Donuts, anti-Lindt reaction in me, I guess.
Salt and chipotle are both common accompaniments to chocolate.
There’s a specialty chocolate shop here (Voges) that mixes all kinds of fun things into chocolate bars. Chilies, sea salt, lavender, bacon the list goes one!
I had a 100 Grand bar dipped in bean dip once. It was good. Of course, I was a little impaired at the time…
Yep, we also have a bunch of specialty chocolate makers around here. It seems to be a trend in recent years. Quite nice. I’ve tried all those except for bacon. I usually end up going back to the basics though: dark chocolate.
I tried the bacon one, expecting to feel “ewwwww!” but it wasn’t that horrible. Not delightful at all, either.
No one ever believes me, but the bacon chocolate is pretty good! Not something I would want every time I had chocolate, but good. Of course you’re talking to someone who has made bacon vodka!!!
Anyone in the NJ area ever tried Bromilow’s chocolates?
Bissinger’s is also in Whole Foods. I recommend the gummy pandas, but everyone loves chocolate covered raspberries, which you can get off the site right now.
joseph schmidt and scharffensberger. both from san fran area.
oh, and hershey’s made in brasil is spicy.
I don’t like chocolate ice cream. I used to when I was little but now I would pick vanilla over chocolate. But I do like mint chocolate chip and rum raisin.
I don’t know any of those marks.
Ι δοντ κνος ανυ οφ τηοσε μαρκσ.
You lost me in translation, honey.
.
You don’t know the brands, maybe?
Soz, the latter sentence was the same, I only typed it in Greek letters by mistake and were too lazy to delete it.
Yeah, marks = brands. For some reason we tend to call them “marks” over here.
Ok, so I was on the right track. These are the Hershey brands in the US. Allow me to expand:
.
Top shelf: Hershey milk chocolate bar, Hershey dark chocolate bar, Mr. Goodbar (milk chocolate with peanuts), Symphony (milk chocolate with caramel, I think), don’t know, Hershey Symphony (not sure which one), Ghiradelli (not sure which one).
.
Middle shelf: Reese’s (peanut butter cup with milk chocolate)
.
Bottom shelf: York peppermint patties (I think; dark chocolate over white mint creme).
.
And I think there are Twizzlers licorice under that.
Correction: second to last on top shelf is Hershey Special Dark. I still can’t figure out the one between it and the Symphony bar.
Something that says cocoa on it.
And is expensive for a small chocolate bar.
I sent the photo up to 200% and it looks like it says CACAO.
.
Must be a speciality chocolate bar. It’s the same price as the Ghiradelli.
Found it!!!!
You’ll notice that the wording on the box and this are the same.
thenibble.com/reviews/main/chocolate/images/CacaoReservebyHersheys.jpg
Found it!!!
The wording is the same anyway.
thenibble.com/reviews/main/chocolate/!mages/CacaoReservebyHersheys.jpg
(note: change the i in !mages)
Good job, Detective!
.
*smooch*
*smooch and squeeze*
I always liked Sherlock Holmes.
I’d Sherlock to take you Holmes.
.
*ba-dum-dum-tish*
*groans*
*squeezes*
.
I’m just all silly today!
I love silly days!
*boops Velvet’s nose*
*skips off*
Thanks a bunch!
No problem! You’ve helped me a couple of times on some of the non-English speaking fails. Glad I could return the favor!
wow… you know your hershey’s brand!
except the ghiradelli. not a hershey’s brand. or trademark.
and the 2.49 looks like dark cacao reserve (made in germany)
I think Hershey makes more chocolate brands than we know.
.
*ponders*
A friend of mine once visited Hershey, Pennsylvania. She reported that the smell of chocolate so permeated the entire town that it was almost sickening.
Hard to imagine, isn’t it?
… last time I went there the breeze musta been blowing the wrong way cuz all I smelled was the sewer plants upstream. wrong kinda chocolate but whaddaya expect when traveling on the hershey hiway?
… but ghiradelli isn’t one of those.
True, about five blocks from me is a Ghiradelli shop, selling exclusively Ghiradelli items (even ice cream cones!). Across the street is a Hershey’s store. The Ghiradelli store owners were more than a little upset.
It is truly a beautiful thing to visit Ghiradelli square in SF and receive a free sample for walking in the door. *Wipes away tear*
Avis, you live near Water Tower Place!
Yup, and the Ghiradelli store here does the same thing! I assume you are a Chi-town resident?
I was for four years – just moved away a year ago. I miss it like crazy and visit periodically, though.
Morning/afternoon avis!! *big squeeze*
That sounds like double trouble.
Ironically, I was just at a “health & wellness fair” at my work. Lots of info on proper nutrition, among other things. Fruits and vegetables, good! Whole grains, good! Chocolate bars, bad!
But the real irony? The tile floor in the room had a wet spot right at the entry. As I was walking in, my feet came flying out from under me, and I came very close to crashing to the floor.
*hands Brewski business card from law firm*
Call us, ‘k?
*snork-squeeze*
So much for wellness, eh?
And as far as chocolate goes, (this ought to go over like a lead balloon) while I like it, I’m not crazy about it. Really good quality dark chocolate is nice, once in a very great while, but otherwise, not so much. As a point of reference , I’ve been to the Ghiradelli store all of one time.
I dated a guy for three years who would eat anything… but didn’t like chocolate. For his birthday, I was lucky enough to find a cake that was half chocolate, half vanilla and strawberry. It remains the only time we ever agreed on a dessert.
I’m with you, Avis. I’m a foodie, and often buy gourmet dark chocolate bars (single-estate chocolate for example). I’ll just eat one or two small squares, and I’m good. I couldn’t handle chowing down a big gob of chocolate.
Bearly, I thought you were a guy. Oops! Or are you?
If you’re female, us males are starting to get outnumbered.
Happy happy happy! Joy joy joy!
That’s how it works, you know. Male until proven otherwise.
(Unless you start out with an extremely feminine name or avi.)
A few of us got the opposite assumption. Not sure what triggers it, exactly, but unless you specify, an early post gets an image in peoples’ heads and they try to keep it consistent.
I’m female. Actually, I wanted a gender-neutral name and avatar to start with. It just seemed… easier somehow. Sorry about joining the ranks of the other side, boys!
Okay, guilty! If it’s an avatar with flowers or butterflies or cats or a cute cartoonish character, I assume female. If it’s got a soldier or a big scary character or a geometric pattern or a male character of some sort, I assume male. If it’s ambiguous (I can’t even tell what Bearly’s avatar is), then I tend to assume male.
Am I sexist?
It’s actually a black bear. I don’t think that it’s sexist. In fact, I’d chalk it up to the English language (for you, at least). We tend to assume masculine pronouns if the gender is unknown, and it colors how we think. Just like we see sky blue and navy blue as more similar than blue and green, but native speakers of other languages don’t always…
I just realized that Bearly is a she!!!
I am so glad I wasn’t alone. Hehe
*flees thread*
And I know what you mean. Since Jules is a cat, I would have assumed female (Jules = Julie or Julia) until you guys pioneered the male/female symbol trend.
Brewski, you do know how to make an avatar bigger, right? Just right-click on it, select View I-mage (probably, depending on your OS), and in the URL change the s=32 to something large, liker s=320.
…Bearly: try the avatar-resize the next time you see a post from Jules (or go back one fail). You’ll see it’s a tight head shot of his dog (not obvious in the small size).
Ohhhh. Thanks!
Jules is a dog, and Bearly is… a bear! Some of the folks here have ambiguous names and avatars. For instance both Dragon and myself get called “he” or “sir” on a fairly regular basis.
Wait, is that a commentary on our personalities? And I thought you guys liked me! *Pouts*
Well Bearly, I bearly know you yet! But so far, you’re tops in my book!
*gives Bearly a bear hug*
In a way, it’s also positive that people mistake our genders when we’re ambiguous, because that means we don’t converse in gender-stereotyped styles.
.
For the record, I will admit that I am gradually getting over the assumption that new posters are from English-speaking countries, thanks to this site and the incredible grasp of English that most people have here. To be able to understand another language well enough to participate in pun runs, follow double entendres, etc, is mind-boggling to me. I wouldn’t be able to read, let alone participate, in a forum in any other language (except maybe Visual Basic and C++, heh heh – probably not even those any more). Not something I’m proud of – being yet another monolingual American.
Thanks for the bear hug! And a big *squeeze* to you. MRN, I happen to know Brewski is American because he mentioned living near Boston (I think), so that sparked the language thing. I think a native speaker of another language may have construed my gender ambiguity differently, though.
*welcomes MRN to his flavor of hell*
.
I was buried in southern California, which means the contact high has kept me from learning other languages. Even after death and re-animation!
.
I actually did take a couple of years of spanish back in high school, but it was HIGH school so it didn’t stick. I might have retained enough to say something like “yo quiero tacos y burritos” when in taco bell though. Oh, and I remember something about someone named quatro cinco saying something.
Where is the fail in this exactly?
BMW Win?
*big squeeze*
*humongous squeeze*
Audi Fail?
*grrrs from a distance*
*gets closer to the grrrs*
Hey…I don’t think I know why that makes you grrr.
It’s because people don’t say it often enough.
Especially not in the Audi Billboard Fail. Read that fail, Leila, if you want to know why I tend to grrr.
Oooooooh…that fail.
There. There. Have a Hershey Almond Kiss. I hope you like nuts.
how can you tell the gender of a chocolate bar?
You have to bite into it….
*snerk*
I have two, so yes. Thanks!
Prove it!
*proves it*
I think yer boths nuts!
Prove it!
…and
@ Arthur.
They spelled ‘wOw’ backwards?
Wow! They are soooo stooopid!!!!
*squeeze*
*Squeeze*
Hey…is that chocolate in your pocket
or are you just happy to be here?
Oh … sorry.
*tucks chocolate away*
CVS.
Yeah, this really isn’t a fail. Probably done on purpose.
seventh
wat?
Hey what’s with this new background, it distracts me from failblog itself.
*squeeze* It’s been here since yesterday.
.
Not everyone sees it, apparently. I think you have to have a wide-screen monitor.
I see it and I don’t care for it.
*morning squeezes to velvet and Hairy*
Oi! Leila! How are you? *suqeeze*
I am wired on caffeine. You?
Same here, and I’m really happy
*squeeze* Good morning Leila! Would you like some coffee to assist in your powering?
I never turn down coffee. Yes please and thank you!!!!
Coffee coffee coffee!!!!
Yes yes yes yes coffee is great I already had 3 cups it’s wonderful and it has me feeling so full of energy that I just can’t stop moving my right foot keeps tip tapping and my fingers won’t stop twitching and the sun is really shiney and woah lookatthetimegottagetsomeworkdonegottagoseeya!
wtf just happened? It’s like he was here and now he is gone.
left his chocolate to carry on?
*steals Brewski’s chocolate*
what chocolate?
*drags self on floor towards group*
Chocolate…..must…..have…..chocola….
*slumps unconscious on floor*
ACK!!!
*inserts chocolate IV in Judy*
STAY WITH US!!!!
*squeezes Judy to get the chocolate IV flowing faster*
.
C’MON! Don’t go to the light!
*stands by with emergency chocolate ice cream*
Come on Judy! You have so much to live for! We have chocolate!!!!
*jumps up and down on Judy’s chest*
We’re. Not. Ready. To. Let. You. Go!!!!
Nooooo!!! Hang in there Judy!!
*grabs a concentrated chocolate dessert, reads label: “Death By Chocolate”*
Hmm. Now there’s a dilemma. Will that help Judy, or hurt her?
The deaths cancel each other out, brewski! Get that dessert working STAT!
.
Where’s BFF when we need someone to run in and out of the room screaming?!?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
*runs around room with arms flailing a la BFF*
It’s not authentic but it’s better than nothing.
*holds up sign with 6.7 on it*
I AM HEALED!!!
Ahhhhhh! Feels much better! Thanks, guys! I don’t think it could have lasted much longer!
Hey…..what’s this?
Awright, who’s the wise guy that hooked up the chocolate enema???
*runsawayquick*
*waves a cup of hot chocolate under Judy’s nose*
Please stay!
mmmmm……
*Holds up sign with 8.7 on it*
You must be the East German judge AE.
*holds up sign saying “11.0″*
That check had better not bounce…
*writes in notebook* Ms B attempted chocolate enema on Judy.
I do see it on my iMac but not on my PC screen at home, so I guess that’s right. But I don’t like it, this makes FB look so cheap.
*squeezes for Hairy*
I don’t know what people are talking about. Although if I do make my window wider I see an ad background from the top banner ad (in left and right margin). I just made my window smaller so I don’t see it.
Are you making the window smaller or the font bigger? Is it reading glasses time?
.
THBBBT!
Eh? What’s that sweetie? You’ll have to speak louder!!
*turns up hearing aid*
Ah… Ah…AAAAACHOOOO!!
*dentures fly out onto keyboard*
*sniff* Oh my.
*squeeze*
.
I just love your sense of humo(u)r.
.
*17 smooches*
Careful! You don’t want to get this old man excited!
Which reminds me of an old joke.
An 88-year-old man goes to his doctor. He says, “Doctor, I’m worried something is wrong… with my… er… member.” Doctor says, “Okay, drop your pants and let’s have a look.” The old man lowers his trousers, and notes, “See doctor? There’s a discharge.” The doctor replies, “Hmm. When did you last have sex?” The old man says, “Oh, I just met a woman last month. We had sex 3 days ago. Doc, you don’t think it’s an STD?” The doctor concludes, “No, no. You’re coming.”
*waits 3 days*
*laughs*
Later, the same old man was admitted to the hospital after a heart attack (oversexed, probably).
He tended to have bowel-control problems. With no warning, his bowels decide to empty themselves while he is laying in bed. The man is mortified, and doesn’t want the nurses to see the mess he made. He looks around, and decides to grab all the sheets. He opens the 4th-story window and throws them outside. The sheets fall on a drunk wino who happened to be sitting on the sidewalk below. The wino starts flailing, yelling, punching, and kicking. He finally manages to throw the sheets off. A pedestrian who was walking by asks, “What on earth just happened?” The wino replies, “I don’t know, but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!”
Meh! First was better.
Ha ha ha. It’s funny because it’s not STD lol.
Baaad. Very bad.
Here’s one.
That 88 year old man and his wife have bad memories. The wife says “I want a hot dog. Write this down.” The man says “I don’t need to. Tell me and I’ll remember. The wife says get a hot dog with ketchup on it.” 3 hours later the man comes home with an ice cream sundae. The wife yells “SEE!!! You forgot the sprinkles!”
The old couple start seeing a specialist for their memory. They invite a friend over for tea. The friend asks them how the treatments are going. The old man tells him that it is going good. The friends asks for the doctors name. The old man asks “What is that flower called… you know with thorns?” The friend answers “A rose?” The old man says “Yeah that’s it,” turns to his wife and says “Hey Rose! What’s our doctor’s name…”
*snork*
I think I’ve heard all these before, but they’re still funny, what with my failing memory and all.
You should upgrade your RAM. Want me to help?
Here, let’s try inserting this new expansion card in Brewski’s slot – erm, twist a little to the right, Brewski, erg, oof! Okay, it’s in. How do you feel now?
*takes picture*
.
It’s for the medical file.
I didn’t know flicker had a medical file section!
Actually, near where I live there was a huge scandal that a medical records company used online storage for their docs and forgot to make them invisible to Google. Even though the files were password-protected, Google made html copies of the pages. Why not link to flicker, too?
I feel great! And hungry! I could really go for a megabyte to eat!
*grabs lunch*
Not suprised if this was in America.
Oh, shut up.
Why? We are the fattest country in the world, after all.
We’re number 1!! We’re number 1!!
*noms down a Milky Way*
*facedesk*
Hey, I am not fat!
Aw. Neither am I. I was speaking statistically.
When I was in Italy last year, I immediately noticed how I didn’t see any fat people. Unlike going to the mall or anywhere in the USA, where about half the population is overweight.
I-I-I’m going home. *gets in car* oh, not again! I forgot my keys!
Perhaps you’ll have to… walk!
*audience gasps in shock*
I know, I know… what is walking? I don’t know either. I think it’s the way you get from the couch to the driver’s seat, though.
I know a place where they’re giving away car keys that people left behind.
If you go there and see keys to any Italian sports car, they are mine.
*hands Leila keys to a 1985 Fiat Uno*
There you go.
I think there’s been a mistake. Look again!
*borrows Avis’ peepers and glowers @ Brewski*
You see the problem is…I DON’T HAVE ANY LEGS. Due to an angry ninja incident.
Oh forget it. *Puts legs back on* I’m going.
*Trips on tomato and breaks nose*
just think… you coulda had a chocolate bar.
Oh, and I just realised. I DON’T HAVE A CAR!
I really think you should see a therapist. I will go with you even.
You can’t blame Americans. Look at all the junk food made available for the sake of conveninence and value. It’s almost criminal.
I wouldn’t even feed KFC to my dogs!!!
*go sobs in corner for wasting life*
You faint and sob too much. Can I call a therapist for you?
no, no, I-I’m fine. I think I feel better now.
Ssshht, it’s okay. Go with what you feel.
I’m going to look at some other fails.
I’m back. There weren’t any new fails.
PS: I suck at grammer/spelling
Spend enough time here, it’ll improve. Maybe by force.
may the force be with you.
and you too, sauer kraut
More like may the farce be with you!
I see your schwartz is as big as mine!
Ooh, did you know that today is the 22nd anniversary of the day that Spaceballs was released in theaters? I heard it on the radio this morning.
Nope lurk, just got lucky I guess.
.
“So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.”
Ah, SpaceBalls. What a funny parody.
Redefine the ideal weight – tadaaa, no longer the fattest country. You’re welcome.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Hey AE, I just got off a conference call with Belgium. They had such nice accents. I wondered if you sounded like that too. LOL
Hehehe, I highly doubt that! Even though Flemish is related to German the pronounciation is different.
Oh well. I am done daydreaming about it…for now.
Some female here (don’t remember who it was, sorry to her!) told me she thinks a German accent is sexy. Although I was shocked because to my ears it sounds horrible, I guess I do have a sexy accent. To some ears.
That was either Dragon or myself, I think. If it wasn’t one of us, I’d like to agree with that person now.
*does a happy dance*
*squeezes*
*squeeze*
(Heavy Flemish accent) Apparently there has been some confusion.
Zis is true. Vhat are ve going to do about it?
*drools chocolate on AE*
*admires the improvement in his skin condition*
What do you mean by that exactly Jack?
jack prat could eat no fat
but can fat eat jack prat?
Wasn’t his wife’s name “fat”? Then, yes, she can.
I wonder what kind of exercising comes with this weight loss plan.
The display is all the way in the back of the store. Lots of walking.
And not to mention it’s in the middle of nowhere and you can’t drive there.
inconvenience store
Yes, definatley.
♂ !
what?
I discovered your gender with a secret method. You’re male.
how the…. how did you…..*faints from blood loss*
This reaction questions my theory.
*comes to* Arthur….help…..me *faints again*
Oh. but yes I am a male.
you see, I broke my nose and never got around to stopping the blood.
I’ve never seen a male faint so much.
in reply to Leila, I as far as I know, I… oh god my keyboard is red with my blood! I just need to–
I know, it’s enough to get me so worried that…oooohhhh…
*faints*
What is happening to the men today?
*pops open a beer*
*uses it as a smelling salt for Brewski*
*scratches crotch (own!)*
*spits out*
*scratches AE’s crotch*
You may want to add some hard liquor to that aiki.
Ooohhhh… where am I??
*sniff sniff*
I smell Cascade hops, and 2-row barley malt, with a touch of Crystal malt!
*squeezes Arthur and aiki*
To my…? That sounds kinky – in a good way!
Alcohol may sting a little at first but who know, you might find it extra enjoyable.
real men don’t faint.
except sanjaya
Like you said, real men don’t faint.
+1 for Ms B.
.
HAHAHAHA!
I am strange.
I don’t think you’ll hear anybody arguing.
Hey, I am here to argue.
Will that be the 10 minute argument or the full half hour?
That’s not an argument! That’s simple contradiction!
Right, times up.
No, it’s not!!
Pretty sure this is a Win if you read it as giving advice to people who are browsing the candy aisle…
name win!
oh and what you said too…
I’m not so sure about that, it would be just rude to place a sign like that over there for people who have overweight. The sign would almost say, don’t but this! Your fat!
.
I think a customer just placed it there for a few moments to take this picture.
another good theory
It’s not a theory. I mean … just look at the pix… *runs*
So, you’re saying it’s…
*lip quivers*
fake?!?!?
Ms B!
*Pounce*
*squeeze*
*squeeze*
Good to see you too!
PHOTOOSHP! shadowz! pixesl!!1! Idz awsum!
.
Making a picture of something you did is not fake, it’s just on purpose
My theory is that this sign is not on the chocolate display; it’s on an adjacent display of weight loss products behind this one–which begs the question, what kind of a sadistic sociopath puts the weight loss products right next to the chocolate aisle?? So, still fail.
The same people who put a Weight Watchers center next to a Dunkin’ Donuts in my neighborhood.
*Gasp* I tell you, it’s just sacrilege, dahling! Well, I’m off to do laundry and eat chocolate! Er, ah, celery! Yeah, that’s what I meant. Good ol’ chocolate-covered celery…
It’s lopsided competition, like Easter verses Passover.
TTFN Mrs Z!
The same people did a Papa John’s Pizza/ Gold’s Gym reciprocal deal in my city.
the same people who make girl scouts hawk their cookies in front of jenny craig
Greedy b@ast@rds!
*Hugs Avis*
Don’t let the bas+ards get you down.
I prefer ba*rds
*Hugs Marius back*
Never!!
candy makes you manly
*squeezes the manly granny*
LQTM at that.
LQTM? Anyone?
Laughing Quietly To Myself.
Lies Quivering. Too Manly.
What? You can’t handle the manly? Come on. You’re a sponge.
Now get on your spongy feet and do something about it.
Not me… Corn! I can handle Granny just fine. I’d have to get his permission first though.
It means: LAUGHING QUIETLY TO MYSELF
No… really?
Yes, really.
Leave Queens To Men?
Lost Quip This Man ^^
Little Queer Turd Muncher?
This time I am
Laughing Quite Thunderously, Mate.
Wait until that comment powers a fail!
*Sighs* I remember a discussion like this in another fail. I wasn’t in the discussion though.
*has a slice*
Of….?
*pukes quietly on myself*
ShamWow?
Zorbeez?
Sorbet? I don’t think granny will like the taste after puking.
Maybe this quote from a commercial will help: “HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH ZORBEEZ…” the ‘Original’ shamwow if you want to think about it like that.
I really need to see more American commercials. Or not.
You really don’t.
*has a bite of the shamwow*
batteries not included, each sold separately, accidental or purposeful injury cause by use of the product is in no way the responsibility of the manufacturer or sales agent.
not a lifesaving device. Manufacturer does not guaranty that this product will actually work.
or something like that
Don’t dry your pets in the microwave!
Snapping fingers may not make food appear.
*kept the shammattress from the previous fail*
*squeezes the shapely Leila*
*giggles*
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
lolly makes you jolly, but ice makes it nice
Payday’s for someday but. . .
♫ Ice ice baby. . . ♫
*considers attacking Marius for that reference, but is to busy vomiting vile evil blackness*
amen to that.
♫Wine is fine
but Whiskey’s quicker♫
I guess I posted the choco-man video a day (or 2)early.
Now I’ve tried the Cookie Monster diet… I guess the Fail diet is worth a shot.
*squeeze*
.
And what are you doing waaaaaay down here?
*fails at opening wrapper, fails to get it into mouth*
still hungry
I came in waaayyyy late today thanks to public transit… *shakes fist at SEPTA* I really should be trying to get my billable hours up so I don’t end up in Fail Unemployment… *repeats that he only has six weeks left over and over to himself*
Morning Mal!!
*squeeze*
Did you give notice? Are you going to quit and go to school full time?
Heheh something like that! My office manager wants me to come in one day a week, but the rest of the attorneys are like… “Are you serious man? You won’t have time for anything for next year.”
You’ll still make time for us, I hope?
*gives puppy-dog eyes*
*lower lip trembles*
Pfft! I’ll still be here! *smirks*
School will only be for a bit each day, but with my trusty laptop, I’ll be able to fail from all new places…
*still needs to buy said trusty laptop*
*starts an eJar to collect money for a trusty laptop*
*puts 1.37 in eJar*
.
I would donate more, but you don’t have a PayPal account.
Please specify currency velvet.
Heeheee!!!
*adds $20 to eJar*
All I have is US$5.12 until I get to a cash machine.
*drops money in eJar*
Hope it helps, Mal!
Thanks ladies
I have $20,000 in Iraqi – that equates to about $6 US- you can have that!
Let me toss in Rs. 500/-, which is roughly $10. Foreign currency always feels like play money to me.
it is isn’t it……
*looks at her notes from Botswana with really bad watermarks*
*holds up a sign about free lap dances*
Hopefully this will earn me some good money!
*waits with trepidation for the money to start rolling in*
NERD!
Hahahah *laughs and nods*
*offers Mal a lap dance*
This is new!
*pulls chair and watches Brewski lap dancing on Mal*
Be thankful Brewski beat me to it.
.
REALLY thankful!
.
Are you requesting them or giving them?
*snickers*
Ooh Baby, you want me?
How could anyone turn down such a sexy sponge?
She adds a new meaning to the Seinfeld “sponge worthy” routine.
Be careful MRN – you are suggesting that people do things to her that will get them banned.
Not “to” her Jenny, with her!
…
Oh.
*squeeze Mal*
COOKIES!!!! NOM NOM NOM!!!!!!
*ground squeeze*
*group squeeze too*
That’s very nice, Mal. The ground really doesn’t get the attention it deserves.
It’s true, everyone just walks all over it. Tsk, no respect!
Well, Ground Control used to take care of these issues, but since they lost contact with Major Tom they haven’t been as focused as they used to be.
Yes, the ground seems to be peppered with all sorts of rubbish now. Ground control should issue more protein pills to their staff.
There is such thing as Protein Pills?
It’s called meat :/ (actually they do have protein pills, but the powder stuff is worlds better)
Do you snuff powdered protein?
The ground gets lots of meat. Oh, you were talking about ground CONTROL. My bad.
.
*crawls back into grave*
*joins with Mal giving the ground a squeeze*
*doesn’t linger long, since he just looks like a dead body lying on the ground*
the latest trend: gastric tract cavity induced weight loss
*Pulls on shoulder length rubber glove*
Prepare for you’re weight loss therapy. You are going to feel a little pressure, but it will make you feel good in the end.
*groans*
(clicky) LOL
*Snickers*
Ooooops! I suppose a refund is in order.
Ewwww! Aren’t you going to put that back in? I”m pretty sure Granny needs those.
No can do Judy. Union rules, Granny will have to see a taxidermist for restuffing.
Tasty fail.
Tasty WIN!
Maybe they meant weight loss from your pockets. Buy as much and lose weight or sth
maybe laxative chocolate
*takes 10kg (22lbs) dump*
Are you trying to best your average thread?
granny grossness meter just blew up.
*meater
Oh. Forgive me.
granny grossner meater just blew up.
only if you help to repair the meater
looks like its blown a seal, but could just be mayo
I would help but I don’t eat meat…
Think of it as a grilled cheese, Leila…
Mmmmmm…Grilled Cheese!!!!
Okay, I’m in!!!!
That was too easy, Judy. Mind if I borrow that line over the weekend?
Oh, please! Use is as you wish, but credit Avis.
(I’ve been getting a lot of mileage out of that one, myself!)
Oh, I forgot to tell you guys! I was at an AC/DC concert yesterday in Amsterdam! It’s so great to see them in real life.
*has seen them years ago*
*feels old*
I thought the show wasn’t that good, but you have to see them at least once. Before it’s to late
That’s what I thought when I saw them in 1990. Better see them before it’s too late.
*saw them when they were doing their “Razor’s Edge” tour*
*feels decrepit*
.
GET OFF MY LAWN, SONNY!
Spartan diet!
Lucas?
Radebe?
Hey, it’s what happens with most diets anyways. You eat what they say, gain weight anyways, and say ‘well, guess I’m supposed to be like this. Cheesecake please!’
Um…we have no cheesecakes. Just chocolate and candy bars.
So the cheesecake is a lie? *pout*
Oh, no it’s not!
*offers chocolate cheesecake*
Where did you get that from? I don’t see it on the shelves.
She’s been hiding it!
*looks down at feet*
Sowwy, I’m not used to sharing my chocolate.
Meh…no harm no foul!
*swipes a slice*
Disclaimer:
No fowls were harmed in this thread.
SAYS YOU!!!
*limping*
Anybody know a good lawyer?
*Points randomly*
you can’t type anything here without bumping into one!!!
she asked for a good one!
*giggles*
I’ve always had the best luck with the law firm Dewey, Cheetum and Howe.
*hands Leila business card from law firm*
Call us, ‘k?
Maybe it’s the anorexic isle?
Ah, I get it! It’s not advertising a weight-loss program, it’s telling you to lose weight.
Excuse the double post.
anor-sexy-a
There’s a whole island for anorexics?
right next to the leper colony, what do you think the anorexics eat?
now there’s a condition! anorexic leper
*plonk!* just lost another 10 pounds! woo hoo!
*sprays*
Granny, you’ve given me a stitch from laughing so much today.
woo hoo
*does the “made Jam spray” dance*
is that a type of air brush technique?
It’s the *wipe [insert foodstuff here] from my screen* dance.
with artistic relish……or burger relish I suppose!
Definitely more with meat!
Leperexia!
Now they can save space with the colonies! The economic down-turn really is reaching all of us.
Leprosy- little pieces falling of of me
I’m not half the man I used to be
-to the tune of ‘Yesterday’
Anorexics don’t eat, that’s the problem with them. It’s a zombie island. Think about it!
This is the method I have been employing to loose weight, but it is not working for me. Maybe I should double how much chocolate I eat. That has to be the answer…
go with the chocolate wrapper that matches the color of your diet.
On a scale of 1 to brown, how happy are you with this diet?
the shop is owned by a chubby chaser
*twists*
*plays checkers*
king me!
*pawns Granny for a KitKat Chunky*
I misspelled porns.
pawns / porns … it’s all the same.
sounds shrimpy to me, or would that be prawns?
sold! but don’t call me chunky, just big bones (and lips)
The pawnbroker says Granny has bones and lips for when you’re just not sure what you want!
Two lips, please. And wrap them to go, I’m in a hurry.
I hope you like them chewed. Granny’s have been through the bike chain today.
ohhhh I like tulips. They are pretty!
They mean ‘lose weight’ by means of your purse weighing less.
Yes!
Finally my lunacy has paid off. I never thought anyone would take a picture of it and post it here though.
But I doubt this comment will show anyway, my comments tend not to show up. Like the baby section full of beer was at a CVS which I tried to tell everyone about…
This is also a CVS.
I remember when there were only 9 failures in communaction on this fail
♬ Those were the days my friend…♬
it was today wasn’t it?
I believe so
*steals pistol*
Give me that! *takes pistol back*
damn…..foiled again!
There was a massive troll breakout at the Fail Room, so I’m arming myself. Just in case the trolls attack.
It’s ok….I have the armaments, SL9, G36C, M4, MP5, 2xGlock, Beretta, grenades, mines and a very large thesaurus. I will not be moved!
Where’s Zombie Apocalypse? I think it’s lunch time – he should be hungry!
I am not for nomming……
*runs out to check stores of brains!*
Huh? Hungry for what, corn?
O_O
*runs to other fail*
Is there a chocolate diet…I’m in and can stick to it!
..
Forked Tongue Fail
I think this fail is in better taste than the last one.
Indubitably.
Absolutely.
I have to get off the computer. bye
I am back
dawideklp.mybrute.com
It is really difficult to type with a rat helping, apologies for any errors.
Uhh… nevermind. I don’t want to know.
Try holding a giant wiggly baby – while trying not to get blasted by the spelling, punctuation, and grammar police!
Do you call your baby “rat”?
click^
WTF this is so cheap! In England it’s 50p for just ONE bag of rieces pieces! That’s like 80cents for one little bag!
Good Morning… *Yawn* Wednesday?
Happy Hump Day! **Sleepy humps for all and sundry!**
Good morning to you.
Look at me now … this is a no humping zone, k?
*squeeze*
Where’s my Leila? I want my Leila… Oh there she is! *scampers over and crawls into Leila’s lap, and purrs loudly*
Alright, fine. No humping.
*Sulks*
*Returns Squeeze*
No humping? Are you sure?
*pouts*
*looks hopeful*
I was told no!
Ruined what hope I had left for today, too.
No humps? What is the point of wednesday then?
That is a very good question. What is the point of Wednesday?
It reminds us Thursday is coming. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
Could we maybe ignore Wednesday, and skip Thursday, going straight to Friday?
I like the way you think!
Someone has a handle on it, because they are making this day take forever! I shall find them and steal their time-manipulation secrets!
You too?! I cannot see how time could creep any slower than it already is today!
Blech. I know! I expected it to drag, being over-tired and having the day start rather poorly, but this is just ridiculous!
*nuzzles*
This is a sweet fail.
its magic chocolate it makes you burn ten pounds with each bite.
Play WOW and you’ll lose weight!
Wow win.
N000003s now i will have to find a new way to h4ck my weight down
have you tried the latest in the new chainsaw models?
It’s a dream come true!!!
Omg where is this? where i am small ones cost more then this.
If that’s all I had to eat in my house I would loose weight. I get tired of candy real quickly.
Hi,
This is great information on weight loss. This is information that is very helpful and can help anyone who needs help lossing weight. I have a problem with weight. Our country is over 65 % of over weight Americans. Over weight can lead to many health problems and death. Help others and encourage them in lossing weight and having a healthy and long life. Keep up the Good Work!!!!!
me too, yvonne, me too.
…
i dont wanna keep up my good work
“Our country is over 65 % of over weight Americans.” Say what the F%#&?
English may not be my first language, but this is well below the level of elementary school by the looks of it.
By the way, here’s my solution to your problem: Quit eating too much!
It’s not about us eating too much…it has more to do with what we eat. Fast food is too popular among us.
A lack of self-restraint too.
Maybe this chocolate is a laxative.
Making pharmacies more attractive= successful. Take that, competitors!
HEY I LIKE BALLS
Wow…just WOW!!!
just so you guys know, chocolates do burn fat…
but thats only for PURE chocolates
not the ones that are sweetened
The next weight loss fad
lol nice 1
lol it’s a CVS fail. I’m sure my co-workers would find this funny…
looks shopped. you can see the color static around the “Lose Weight Now” part
It’s not real. If you look around the words “lose weight now” you can see a little bit darker area where MS Paint put the words. Fail.
I belive, this si the new Oprah diet.
Shooped. It’s so obvious!
Great info. Keep up the good work.
Steven T.
>>>> I must say “really nice post”…
I know it could be hard to loose weight so i made a free
weight loss comparison guide view it at
… http:www.squidoo.com/weight-loss-comparison
I hope you enjoy it.
Hate to say it, but that is photoshopped. The letters have pixels around it, meaning that whoever did this should’ve used a PNG.
heyy if thats the diet ill start 2 day!
The fact that “wow” is there makes me think World of Warcraft as well.
Granny You are so funny!
fake but not photo shopped. You can see that there is another aisle behind it which is for weight loss.
Ya, it’s not like this is photoshopped or anything. *rolls eyes*
It’s funnier when it’s an actual fail.
I would say this would be a WIN! ^^ LOL. I want to be on this weightloss plan.
WTF… they don’t even sell the normal sized bars for 88 cents!!
yeeeah. someone obviously added the lose weight now text on there..
when they added the word FAIL to the picture.
Guilty win!
COOL
!