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Five pounds? If she was able to eat that much I suspect that her husband could have known that it was her. It’s more surprising that she was able to walk unassisted…
I’m surprised she was able to get up in the first place.
…and that she was able to get back to bed with five pounds of bacon inside of her stomach.
At the poice investigation, she finally cracked.
They smoked her?
She got fried
She was making baconlube
she was farting
lolololololololololol
farting… priceless
I see the contentious trolls are seeping in.
More like oozing.
Fake.
Fake.
Fake.
Fail isnt written in red in the paper like that
Really.
Is this guy serious?
I don’t know. Let’s ask him. Guy? Are you serious?
I’m retarded.
Okay, NOW I’m confused.
Guess that’s a “no”.
Is he sofa king, we Todd did?
Perhaps spoofing trolls?
I think that there shall never be
A troll as lovely as a tree
Grand Rapids must be one boring ass place.
I love trolls.
But you couldn’t eat a whole (5lb) one?
If it is Grand Rapids, Michigan I’m surprised this made the news. There are plenty of stabbings or shootings to report.
it’s fake, came from a satire paper
she eats bacon?? eww cannibal!
I was waiting for that.
I expected a bacon lube comment in the first 3 posts!
LOOK INTO MY EYES! @_@
preeeeetty!
Imagine the cops coming to that house, already laughing about the assumed bacon-theft. Then they see the womanwhale…
Who’s fingers are covered in bacon grease.
And who is sitting in the middle of the living room, laughing hysterically and chanting “All sleep and no bacon makes Susan a very dull girl” over and over…
Perhaps we shouldn’t knock it ’til we’ve fried it.
Oh, good lard…
LOL!
*burp*
I LOLd at ur comment
Crime solved. Afterward, they sat around and chewed the fat.
Are you egging us on for a pun run?
*toasts WN*
Welcome back! Where ya been??
Bizzy coupla days, alas – thanks
Don’t worry, Whoa. Soon enough, those bizzy days will be over; easy livin’ then!
h!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 all enjoy urself & behappy always
That was its weight before cooking. You know how bacon is… after cooking, there was barely enough for a snack.
Do you know how much an American pound is in kilogramm? I can’t imagine that it’s as much as I think it is…
Divide by 2.2 (About half a kilo.)
*counts on fingers*
Don’t get it!
Let me help you Jam. . .
This little piggy went to the fridge.
This little piggy stayed in bed.
This little piggy had bacon.
this little piggy had none.
And this little piggy went wee, wee, wee, all the way to the cops.
hmmm… perfect sense now!
There are so many layers of fail in this story.
Trust in relationship fail, snacking restraint fail, snacking size fail, health fail, appropriate amount of bacon to keep in a fridge fail (how much do they eat normally?!), policing fail (it took them a week to ask his wife?), journalism fail (because they clearly reported the story of the original theft as if it was genuine news)…
Not to even mention that, with 5 pounds of bacon, at least 3 pounds could have been donated to The Industry for the production of BaconLube™.
Oh, what is the world coming to when we’re surrounded by such greed and avarice?
There really is Bacon Lube?????
Signed, Diva the Jew
My cousin once made the newspaper for stealing bacon. It was the biggest crime of the year. Only 2 pounds, though.
I’d rather be makin’ bacon than stealing it.
Agreed
LOL! Are you serious?!
not to mention the irony in pigs being called in over missing bacon…
Nowhere does it say it took a week, “upon further investigation” was probably asking the wife at the scene, because she was behaving strangely. Don’t ASS-ume so much.
Thank you! I wonder if the cops found her cannabis supply…
Her husband hoped they would just leaf it alone.
I wonder what was going on in his head when the police were bonging
on the door?
Since he was the one who called the police, I guess it was something like “Ah, there thy are. Finally!”
And by “thy” I mean “they”.
He would have to convince them not to search the joint.
Ooookay, it’s time for yet another completely unrelated story:
A friend of mine had the first week in his new job. He was staying in the office longer, to impress his new boss. And he was fortunate: The boss and another guy actually came in the office and noticed that he was the only one left there (of about 10 people) to still work.
The boss talked to the other guy and my friend could only understand parts of the conversation – it was a big office and he tried to concentrate on working. All of a sudden, my friend understood something like “…and he is doing drugs…”, which made him, an occasional weed smoker, panic. Therefore he looked up and replied (a little too loudly): “Drugs? I don’t do drugs!”.
.
Silence.
.
.
.
Boss: “We didn’t talk about you.”
.
lol
And so dies another good pun run.
Shame, Arthur, shame.
*beats head against wall*
*heads beets against wall*
*marching back into skewed pun run*
*to the beat of a different drum*
*roll*
*with it, baby*
*argh* ^ ^ ^
*headpalm*
*facedesk*
Daaaamn! Didn’t see that one before! I deserve to get stoned!
And if THAT isn’t the pot calling the kettle black…!
Beat Heads against Wall – ooooooooooooooh. Nice colour!
Naw, I prefer the Elizabethan ring to “thy”.
Gives a whole different feel to the story….
I meant her but i’m stupid like that
MATH FAIL!
It would be about 2.27 kgs, not .5 a kg.
And…. Goddamn thats a big bitch!
Reading comprehension fail.
Please read the question I was asked.
Oh that would be far too much trouble, Marius. It’s MUCH more fun to just shoot your mouth off.
They asked him how many pounds to a kilo, genius.
She had the grease on the side.
Yeah, on the inside.
Who the hell can cook this amount of bacon at night while somebody is sleeping too!
Maybe she enjoyed it raw – bacon tartare?
Eww, why not just eat Baconlube then?It’s not just about the sauce! Besides, there’s no real nutritional value.
Great taste!
Less filling!
Are you suggesting American bacon has nutritional value??
Have you ever tried it? Unlike English bacon, it is about 98% fat.
Which leaves 2% amazingly delicious ‘Murkin good taste!!
You’ve got that right…! Which is why I only eat bacon about once a year.
Giggity.
First!
I don’t know what’s more stupid, saying “first!” in one of the first comments or quoting the first guy that is NOT saying “first” and saying “first!”.
That lacks logic, because Safety here thinks it would be first if it quotes the first guy. ~FAAAAAAIL~.
Double fail. It’s safety third around here.
People like Safety say “First” to get people like you all bent out of shape. It works every single time.
by ‘people’ you mean ‘trolls’.
By “trolls” you mean “idjuts”.
By “idjuts,” I think he means “Safety.”
Okay… You lost me…
I think we just entered a logic loop.
First!
*contorts*
*squeeze*
You replied to a comment saying First…….. FAIL!
jesus christ what kind of monster is this eats five whole pounds of bacon for a snack
i can barely eat a half pounder burger wit fries
That is a TON of bacon.
http://ambassadorstotheworld.tumblr.com/
Holy crap. I don’t think I’ve eaten 5 lbs of bacon my entire life.
Shame on you!
umm, this was on Leno
BaconLube shortage – people have to resort to bacon robbing.
Damn swine flu!
Actually, Baconlube is EVIL. Swinw flu has no effect on pigs.
But does Swine Flu?BN, did you just “Go ask Alice”?
Take this one Marius, it makes you taller.
Ahhh! The hookah smoking caterpillar has transformed!
All we ask is that you cheshire it with the rest of us.
I will grin and bear it.
*smiles*
*disappears*
OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!
Swine flu? When pigs fly!
Swine flew? Get it?
*sigh*
Yeah, I know.
I keep reading “Grand Rapist resident”.
Is that a newspaper?
Tee hee.
ditto
what a tough case to solve!
first
dumbass
Fail
w00t
Exc00se me?
you’re excoosed
First !
*eats imposter*
*vomits*
*decides never to become a supermodel*
Sounds more like a late night meal. She cooked 5 lbs of bacon? Unless she ate it raw… *vomits*
Bacon addicted
normally i say woman should stay in the kitchen, but not when she is stealing my food.
His baby got back?
His baby’s a snack?
His baby's on crack?whos baby got smacked?
The baby’s got a rack?
…is from Iraq?
No, she’s just got a big ass.
Hmm.. What kind of man doesn’t wake up to the smell of bacon being fried?
A vegetarian?
What kind of vegetarian keeps 5 pounds of bacon in his fridge?
These mixed-veg relationships can work you know!
I hope so. Although I’m secretly planning to convert him.
I think you’ve got more than enough meat to get your teeth into.
He promised he wouldn’t show those pictures to anyone!
It’s ok. He told everyone they’re photoshopped; people just think you’re faking.
Wow. Way to reassure, jam.
Well, if your wife eats 5 pounds of it at one “snack”, I have a feeling that this man is immune to a lot of various smells.
Also, who thinks someone breaks into a house just to make off with someone’s Oscar Meyer stash and leaves everything else. I was thinking if I was a fridge robber, the beer would go first.
Welcome to the United States of North America.
Big success for those cops…
lulz
USNA? Where’s that?
Annapolis.
Of course it’s “USA”, but the full name is United States of North America, isn’t it?
It isn’t.
If USA stands for United States of North America, what does the UK stand for, then? The United Kingdom of England, Sheepland, that northern bit and Ireland?
No, for the UK it’s about exclusion. The United Kingdom of Not Sweden, France, Indonesia or Brasil. You should know that!
Silly me, forgetting something trivial like that!
Arthur!
*wipes coffee off monitor*
What?
*looks innocently*
Hah. That’s MY trick. I will not be fooled.
But…I could use another cup of coffee.
*holds out cup hopefully*
*was distracted*
Err.. excuse me? Ah yes…
*drops dollar in cup*
*looks disconsolately into cup*
*feels sorry*
*passes large cup of italian espresso with foamed up milk*
*gives another five dollars*
*perks!*
*drinks*
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh.
You can keep the money, though…it’s not like you’re being prostituted for trespassing or anything.
FB…that ‘northern bit’? Scotland, ye mean? And Dragon, are you prostituting Arthur???
Sheepland … THEN scotland?
*didn’t realize they called Wales “sheepland.”*
Pigs should not eat bacon. Cannibalism, I say. And that has to be one of the top fails.
I think interspecies marriage is a bigger fail than cannibalism.
“Did you eat the bacon?”
“Nooo…”
“Right, I’m callin’ the cops.”
911 abuse fail
Wow. That is disgusting.
I think, at long last, we’re finally closer to finding out where all that Baconlube(tm) is coming from.
buba thinks the woman should be stoned to death for stealing in the refrigerator.
The Gorgon Medusa thinks it’s a little disconcerting to refer to oneself in the third person.
The Blog Ninja (Blogmonster) would rather it didn't happen.The foop is in concert with GM and BN. In addition, said foop also rathers the happening not do so from this point. Thank you for your support.(whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttt?)
buba is serious.
who buys that much fresh bacon at once??
I think the real question is who doesnt
The stores here sell 5 lb. boxes of bacon ends and pieces, with the bacon having very little meat. So it would cook down quite a bit, as most of the fat cooks off, leaving a large amount of grease, which is used for cooking and flavoring other foods.
Test
*gets out the stamp box and ink*
FAIL
Please see below, Jam.
Hoo boy, this is going to cause a lot of confusion.
I thought you were testing out a new look. Rotational symmetry is all the rage this season.
It's so pretty!Now you’re just trying to confuse me!
You should try it, Jam! Everybody's doing it!I don’t need to try confusing myself; it happens naturally.
Oh so pretty!
It’s VVAAAACCCAAANT!
Johnny Rotten is a hero of mine.
I’ve had to replace my old email address with this new one. Don’t worry, It’s still me. I can’t understand why my comments with my old email address don’t show up.
Until I try and retrieve my avatar, I apologise for any confusion.
You’re banned?
That happened to me quite some time ago. You must have angered the FB gods!
B-b-bond Fan? I-is that you?It is. Failblog won’t accept my old email address for some inexplicable reason.
Can't you add both email addresses?Hm? What do you mean?
I thought there was an option at gravatar that said 'add an email address'I didn’t spot that. But I retrieved my avatar, so I only need to wait for it now.
Oh dear. Now I can’t change my name. That is a bit annoying.
Log out of wordpress (there’s a thingy in the top left corner for that)
Ah, my avatar’s shown up.
But won’t logging out make my avatar disappear?
The avatar is determined by the email address. As long as you type that correctly it should be ok.
Let’s see if this works.
Hurrah! I’m back!
Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.
Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
But those dreams have remained and they’re turned around.
“Up your nose wit a rubber hose, Mistah Kottah!”
She ate five pounds of bacon? I’m surprised she didn’t come out in a rasher.
Naw, the grilled eggs prevented any rasher. But I did cause her to bubble and squeak.
That should’ve been “it” not “I.” Although that does sound like I have some prowess in the kitchen. But I’m not a chubby chaser.
What the article fails to mention is that they were also missing two loaves of bread, a jar of mayo, five large tomatoes, and a head of lettuce…
She was having a slumber party?
Nope, just a stack of 30 or so BLTs all to herself.
I was going to write that they were also missing a hundred fillet mignon steaks, but this happy family doesn’t seem the type that could afford (much less pronounce) that.
Haha, I got it the first time. Good stuff.That sounds like the grocery list that kid in that cartoon on Sesame Street was trying to remember. “A loaf of bread, a…something..of milk…” Damn, I forgot it. Mama’s gonna kill me. But you didn’t get it right, either, so NYYAAHH.
A loaf of bread, a quart of milk, and a pound of buttuh. A loaf of bread, a quart of milk, and a pound of buttuh. A loaf of bread, a quart of milk, and a pound of buttuh.
I remember that. It worked!!
A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of buttah.
Yes, my brain is a very strange place to remember such things.
This is one heart-stopping story!
The exstent that people go to for a bit of meat.
Let’s see. . .
We have Gluttony, Anger, Greed, Envy, Sloth, Lust, I just don’t see how we can sneak Pride into this story.
This guy is pretty passionate about his bacon, poor woman was probably scared of what would happen
She was too proud to admit she was pigging out on pork while she could have had her husbands sausage instead.
Li’l smokies, anyone?
Good morning.
They neglected to mention they are polish. Kielbasa anyone?
Kielbasa? He wishes … or maybe she wishes, that way she wouldn’t have to steal his bacon.
Or was it Austrian? Maybe it was vienna sausage?
Is it bad that when I read your comment the words “Joseph Fritzl” came to mind?
No idea, not sure who that is.
Ah. Clickie for info on him.
I was kidding, I know very well who it is. Just not someone I want to think about as I am across from a man that looks very much like him. las la la la I can’t hear you
Hee! Ry is on standby while on standby and standingby.
And it doesnt help he has an accent. I think he is Norwegian but not sure. I recognize a couple of words when people in his party speak.
*reads article on Fritzl*
*shudders*
He’s eligible for parole in 15 years?!? This “man” (and I use the term loosely) needs to be chopped into little tiny pieces, starting with the family jewels!
*is done ranting for the moment*
Incestuous Sicko that held his family captive in his basement for twenty something years.
Makes me glad I didn’t have a basement growing up.
Good to see you in these here parts, Ry.
*squeeze*
*mast…
Oh, I just can’t say it.
Thank you.
and she didnt have a heart attack?
Where the hell is kira when you need him?
Death Note reference FTW – but what would she have been guilty of, criminal stupidity?
she is very guilty of stupidity.
Mello’s gonna hunt her down.
But just before that he’ll eat 5 pounds of chocolate.
Yay! I guess I’m not the only Death Note fan!! We do need Kira now that you mention it… We could rid failblog of trolls :p
Who the hell considers FIVE POUNDS OF BACON a “midnight snack”?
WIN!
i’m starting to feel the hunger….. i need bacon!!
The phrase “need bacon” should never be allowed.
Apparently they make bacon pizza now… My friend ordered 3 pies of it -_-
chocolate is just as good (:
ask mello.
He didn’t notice the 2 dozen eggs that were missing.
Speaking of missing – where you been, girl???? *hugs* Hiya!
Where I always have been
in between Arkansas and Florida and add in a little NJ, Chicago and Detroit and I have added up to the frequent flyer miles. San Francisco is on the agenda now as well. Sitting in FLL airport right now on standby.
Or the 5 pound bag of potatoes, although I suspect they will eventually find them.
Follow the crumbs from the loaf of bread.
Woohoo, very glad to see you again! (^_^)
Based on the schedule they have for me, I figured I better get some FB infusion while I am stuck at the airport.
nothing better to do than go on this site when waiting. (: you need some lolz when your stuck at an airport
the woman sure liked her husband’s meat
which meat?
The bacon of course…O_O
I wouldn’t count on it…
What OTHER type of meat COULd she possibly li-….oh wait…oh…that…RIGHT!
I suspect all the cops had to do was wait a day to find out who the culprit was. That much bacon in any form would be very, very bad for the digestive tract. Cf. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bacon_Explosion to learn why they call it a “bacon explosion.”
I.e. uncooked, it exits stage right in a spectacular fashion. Cooked, it exits stage left in a spectacular fashion.
Why was there bacon in the soap!?!?!?
I don’t mind to read all comments, but I’m sure BaconLube fits into this somehow
Anything fits with a little baconlube.
You haven’t lost that zest in your comment, Ry.
I’m telling you.
*Squeals*
She’s a hot potato!
Or the zest in your bacon
pigs in a blanket or elephant in a tarp?
Nice, a Goldmember reference.
Bacon is important, if I had to choose between saving the president or a box of bacon from falling into a volcano I’d push the president and cook the bacon right there!
If bacon is more important than your leader, I’m scared to know if you can vote or not.
He’d probably just vote “bacon” in a write-in ballot.
And “bacon” would probably still beat Ron Paul.
Lmfao! Oh Ron Paul, what a card.
wtf is a Ron Paul? can u eat it?
Yes, but it doesn’t taste nearly as good as bacon…
I’m sorry, Sabot, but this isn’t 20 questions.
LULZ, genial!
Hmmm. Does LEILA live in Grand Rapids? I’ve always suspected she may actually be a closet carnivore.
On a related note, clickie!! ^^^
Try this clickie. Turn your sound up though.
Avis, how could you?!
Hey, I had no idea what I was doing when I found it. I jumped about three feet though.
Really? I don’t mean to sound patronising, but that is a pretty famous Internet thingy. There a plenty of YouTube videos like that game. The Maze Game is the most famous.
No idea. I wasn’t kidding when I said I wasn’t computer savvy. I guess I’m not very internet savvy either.
It’s okay. Those kinds of websites are a hazard to the faint of heart and small children.
And a hazard to Brewskis. I never understood why people pay money to see shock-horror movies that revel in startling the audience. I find that about as entertaining as a root canal without anesthetic! Hm, this just gave me an idea… a dentist office marketed towards masochists! Brilliant! Kinda like the dentist in “Little Shop of Horrors”.
I love the “Little Shop of Horrors.” I call my paper shredder Twoey. My kids think I’m weird because when I shred old bills I say “Feed me Seymour.”
I’ve seen that one before!! I closed the window quickly once I recognized it, I don’t think I can do that again!
*sends cheerful “good-day” to Avis and BFF*
You know, I think she ate my bacon too.
wife fail
In the husband’s defense, who sees they have 5 pounds of bacon missing and automatically thinks “Yeah, one person could totally eat that, not unusual at all”
To the Harpoons men!
That might be going a little overboard, Ahab… I’m sure she’s put worse things in her blowhole than five pounds of bacon.
I’ll fry almost anything once. Twice if I like it.
Wow, must be a small town where that article came from
buba is 300!!!
You’re old.
“Scooby Doo and the case of the missing bacon”
one hell of a scooby snack!
And i wouldve gotten away with it if it werent for your meddling baconlube
Wow. Why do they keep five pounds of bacon in their fridge? Are they having dinner with Typhon or something?
And the guy’s wife ate ALL that bacon in one night?! She must have been really hungry. Either that, or Godzilla’s spirit took control over her.
This is an epic fail. Fail on SO MANY DARN LEVELS!!
As many levels as the Empire State Building in the Percy Jackson series, man, THAT MANY LEVELS!!
Maybe I’m overreacting…
.
End of long comment.
greek mythology double win! *squeeze* hello fellow rick riordan nerd!
Awesome! I wasn’t even sure if their were more demigod-fans on the Lol sites!
this is a serious matter. losing 5 pounds of bacon is huge!!
i dont know which is worse: the fact that his wife ate 5 freaking pounds of bacon, or that the police had to get involved.
5 lbs of bacon for a snack? WTF? Does she weigh like 350lbs? Uber-WTF?!!??!
This is from my hometown newspaper! This article was originally published in the early 1990’s or late 80’s, I think. I cut it out and saved it…then lost it. I am so glad that someone has finally shared it with the world! 5 POUNDS!
Thassa huge bitch!
Glad to see our law enforcement is working on cases of missing bacon instead of doing actual work!
Of all the things…no one had the audacity to make a reference between the cops (pigs) and bacon?
What’s more fail, the fact that the police had to investigate this or a person eating five pounds of bacon for a “snack”.
…Or the fact that I made my question into an awkward declarative statement, because I used inappropriate punctuation?
LOL, if there is anything we know cops can sniff out, its bacon and fresh donuts!
RT
anonymity.ru.tc
Oh my God! How is that even possible?! LOL!!! Gosh…
Sadly Jack knew this would not be the last time the police would respond to the Sprat household.
Well all I can say is…
Welcome to Michigan :]
I was savin’ that bacon.
I actually live in Grand Rapids. But I did not hear of this until I saw this.
Just the fact that they investigated this is ridiculous. And as for the bacon scarfing gut truck…I’m not even sure where to start.
Moronic police blotter babble is not a FAIL.
It’s Jay Leno material.
The cops should have solved this case immediately. Logic dictates that, any man with need to keep 5 pounds of bacon handy MUST have a wife fat enough to consume it all in one sitting. He reported it missing the moment he noticed it was gone, he had no choice, it was self preservation–after all that bitch hungry.
**For whatever reason i heard “FEED ME SEYMOUR”. while reading that article**
This is America. This stuff happens loads of times. Just last week someone cleaned out my fridge and I only ate half the stuff.
what a porker
so she ate five pounds of bacon?
Five pounds?!? That’s one heck of a snack.
DING DONG GOES MY DONG
Just remember that bacon is the new black.
Maybe she’s just very current.
#24
What the …??
She got up at night to eat FIVE POUNDS(!!!) of Bacon?????
LOL What a fat pig. I’ve heard of eating like a pig, but damn. It’s not cannibalism, but remembering the taste of her fallen comrades.
Like from that commercial about pigs eating ham at a restaurant.
What about the smell if bacon smoke….there’s no frikin way she cooked 5 packages of bacon in the house without her husband or the cops smelling it. haha I bet the husband was just really pissed off that she cleaned out all of his bacon and now he has to butcher a pig for breakfast!
Not healthy to take that much in a year…
Hi my name is Wife (“hi wife”) and I am a baconaholic. Last night I broke down and ate 5 pounds of bacon and the only reason I stopped is because I got caught by the police. Talk about the pig being caught by the pigs for eating pig!
It’s irony at it’s finest!
I came.
um… WHO CARES!?
On the other hand, this reminds me of that one scene in Driving Miss Daisy XD
REDNECK WIN!
Some are saying that she couldn’t have put THAT much bacon away by herself, but nah… I’ve seen plenty of women that could hog down that much on a good binge!
Especially, since there’s about a 50-60% reduction in fat that cooks off.
Oh yeah! … 2½ pounds of pig; that’s little more than a good supper!
What a LOT of men don’t know is, when they go to sleep, their wives hit the kitchen! And if you’re tired and a heavy sleeper, she can down half the week’s food rations before 2:00 am! … You “thought” those groceries were disappearing a little too soon, huh!?
what a thrilling turn of events
The husband didn’t smell the bacon? Either she ate it raw or the house always smells of bacon…
5 lbs. of bacon is a midnight snack? hmmm
That’s a lot of bacon, even for a midwesterner. Personally, I only eat one pound, many two if I’m really hungry. Gotta leave room for cheese.
Many twos… many.
I can just imagine what she must look like!