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Cheezburger Company Blog
*universe collapses*
You know, as the more elderly BondFans expire from old age your numerical designator should become smaller…but it never changes – why is that?
Ehm…new fans inherit the number from the dying fans?
(A disturbing scenario comes to mind, with elderly fans getting a pillow over the face in the nursing home)
And good morning on this bright sunny day!
*bursts into improvised opera tune*
*sings along, seriously torturing the tune*
It is indeed a beautiful day! Sunshine, clear blue sky and mild temperature. Second spring day in a row! YAY!
It’s a beautiful day;
the sun is shining;
I feel good;
nobody’s gonna stop me now…
*rugby tackles Aja*
*pins him to the ground*
*adds soprano*
Also a beautiful day here, and soon I’m going to the theatre to see Watchmen. ^_^
The places where men watch you are not called theatres.
That depends on her stage of life.
They are, have you never been to an electric theatre?
*sings* Nothin’ could be grand-ah than to be in Louisiana in the mornin’
In the moooornin’ . . .
*crickets chirping*
. . . sorry, I thought we were still going . . .
it has bonded to him
egad! a talking penis!
that’s almost as shocking as the singing testicle quartet!
Ask the talking penis if it has catflap fever.
.
.
NEVER in a MILLION years could I have predicted I would write that sentence.
Just sayin’.
*SLAPS IN THE FACE*
):< HOW INSULTING! I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW… that has never happened
We all surprise ourselves once in a while.
whoever enters thru this door will get into an endless loop!
They will have to apply the push pull method to survive.
1st
*smacks Dw around the head*
Where’s Sam when you need an unintentionally ironic insult?
Hopefully pondering the error of “her” ways?
Ahem.
*raises eyebrow*
Methinks someone should be careful with his/her name…!
Haha. Rail.
i really hope that R was intentional.
I think it’s just Scooby Doo-speak for “fail.”
Rerry runny.
Reary runny???
Älsk…Nah, forget it.
*eats sandwich as tall as himself in one bite*
I runno?
PARADOX!
*whistles*
Helloooo? Anybody here?
No! You just collapsed the freakin’ universe!! Thanks, BFF.
(How’s Japan treating you?)
Collapsing your horse just not good enough for ya?
Guess I’m going to have to call someone to correct this mess.
*dials Chuck Norris and 10 seconds later the universe resumes it’s normal size and function*
Japan’s treating me well, thanks. Everything is so efficient and convenient.
But crowded, isn’t it? Morning! Or whatever time it is…
Very. Just to give you a glimpse: Commuter trains are usually full 200% of their capcity. It’s 5:45 pm here, by the by.
I’ve only technically been to Japan. A ship I was on ported in Kyoto Bay for replenishments. I would like to actually set foot there some time.
I saw in a documentary that it’s a normal job in Japan to stuff people in the subway. Made me laugh.
Stuff – not the euphemism?!
See for yourself
(This is a train that passes the town I’m living in.)
*shudders*
That would turn me into a mass murderer in no time!
I know what you mean. I prefer to murder only one at a time. I feel it gives me the opportunity to do the best job possible each and every time.
*looks around nervously* No – ah, I do know about that…I was making a – ribald…double entendre sort of thing *popsweats* likestuffingaturkeyonlywithpeopleinsteadofturkeys *falls on side panting and sweating* please don’t make me explain my jokes! *weeps like a small child*
*read that comment as “poopsweats”*
*backs away from CWR*
When sweat pops away from you head as in a R. Crumb illustration – that’s popsweat.
Push? Pull? WHICH IS IT?!!!???!!?!
You must push on the handles, while pulling on the door.
Only then shall the portal open and allow you entry.
The universe collapsed once already! Lets not do it again eh?
You should push the handles and shout “PULL!” to the people inside the building, as the hinges are rusty.
Or you could *twist* and shout…
I chuckled.
This universe collapsing frightens me a bit. I hoped for s little more stability.
The a is in the s, by the way. Look close.
The a is in the ass?
You wish!
Do I?
This is news!
Rumour has it you have to rub the moomin to get your wishes granted.
*looks hopeful*
*walks off again*
*grabs the Moomin*
*rubs*
I wish I didn’t miss comments so much!
*waits…*
Did it work?
*beams*
It works for me. . . ahem, I mean.
What wish can I grant you?
I don’t wish for anything really; I’m fairly content. Since you look like you’re enjoying it so much, I’ll keep on rubbing.
*spits*
*polishes*
*pops in*
Isn’t it fun when things are going completly different than you expected, jam? I remember what you said on your first or second day here…
*disappears*
jam. . .did you just see man with damn fine ankles appear and disappear?
You certainly rub me the right way.
*headshoulder*
*takes ‘a’ out of hat and puts in front of man*
Arthur, what now? If you’re referring to what I think you are then same rules apply.
I saw Arthur in slow mo… he went that way —–>
*headresthead*
*contentment*
*smilestoself*
*returns in slow mo*
The times are a-changing.
Didn’t really understand that, but what I meant was something like “a little banter now and then is ok…. I’m not interested in…”.
Is this not banter?
Is it only banter?
Forget this question. There is no question. Only a
It is only banter!
BANTER? I thought you wanted bunting? I’ve got all these decorations and no party.
*cries*
*Pat pat pat*
There there Moomin. It’s ok, I can still use your bunting for other things.
*sniff*
I threw it all over Arthur trying to be Haxored in the next fail. Sorry.
I ran that way after seeing there was a party over there ——>
*enters through the exit while pushing the pull handle*
*SQUEEZES the Moomin*
*disappears just as the universe implodes*
Älskling!
(this is getting repetitive)
Well, where do you keep yours?
I keep it in my hat!
Hmmm…. Now that you mention it, I guess my a is a little to the left of my ass. But right in the middle of my hat.
*SQUEEZE*
*squeezey*
I thought that was where the potato was.
But the A is in the potato.
*confoozled*
Boths at same time
no
*universe implodes*
OSH–
OSHKOSH BYGOSH!
OMMEHGAWSH!
Odd Sense of Humor
overly sensitive human
universe stays intact
“1st” fail!
What kind of stuff do you like to puff?
And will he share?
I would share if i was him.
School for the gifted
I have a gift for you, please take this school.
Teach the children your humour so the world’s a funnier place.
You should be the teacher, Moomin.
(Good morning!)
Has the teacher got sticky drawers?
(Howdy all)
its all the jam
(good morning Mr Moomin)
(good morning Mr Eld)
(good morning Ms Jam)
Or the CUM, who really knows?
(Why, hello Granny! Long time no spray.)
LOL! I’m sorry about that!
You’re forgiven but don’t do it again!
Good Morning!
*squeeze*
There was an impromptu game of ‘lets all crowd round Mike’s desk’ so I had to vanish.
*waves*
You put on your ‘pretend to work’ face?
Morning!
No, I fled out the room to the other boss.
I think the first boss came through specifically to use the phone on my desk?!?
Why would you do that?
He’s trying to ruin failblog. He’s a troll!
tee hee, Arthur!
Morning, all! *passes out hugs*
Morning! *hugs* How are you?
Morning!
*collects hugs, saves them for later*
I’m trying to muster the gumption to leave this warm bed and make coffee…
Morning Mookie!
*hugs*
Well Arthur, they’re certainly trying their best to spoil my fun.
Timing!
We’ve had enough of this intentional fun spoiling lately, methinks.
I’ll spoil their fun by doing drawings wrong and getting the company sued for hundreds of thousands. Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha. It’ll be sweet.
Hmmm, maybe that would be a bad idea.
but the school is a scam!
(good morning granny)
(good morning Mr Moomin)
(good morning Mr Eld)
(good morning Ms Jam)
Good morning!
To all.
…and to all a good morning!
If we keep on like this, the list will take up the whole blog.
Impolite people like me are doing a public service to FB by not greeting anybody. We should be paid for that.
I’ll pay you in goats. You just have to figure out how to retrieve the money.
Just be careful what you do with the mess the goats leave behind, yesterday’s mess turned into a monster that we had to beat away with wit and humor.
You had to call in the lads from lolcats and loldogs???
You’re NOT getting paid for failblogging?! I make $2500 a month!
but that’s not with failblog, right?
It is.
He’s payed for every day he doesn’t post. That’s why he was absent yesterday.
Oh man! This is what I’m doing wrong.
Well, it’s sleepy time for me. See everyone next fail! Good chatting with you, as always
So you say I’m ruining FB when I’m here?
As if I’d say that!
I meant I’m not getting paid because I’m always here.
No, what I ment to say is that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.
My a is definately not in my “ment”. Now where did it go?
Washed away in a stream of bat’s piss.
*high five*
*high five*
You flatter me Arthur.
The lot of us together could teach different forms of humour.
The world needs more weetabix moments, that’s GCF’s speciality.
(Morning. How long you with us today, the friend’s move going ahead?)
GCF is also pretty good at ruining breakfast.
(Started yesterday, will continue today. Not sure when though. How’s life treating you today?)
I’ll say, he love weed on my bagel
(You gonna be off and on then? Think I’m going to be the same, bosses in awkward mood)
Wee on your bagel?
(Rather on now and off later, I assume. Damn your bosses!)
Already got some thanks.
(Dammit, got to go again. Being buzzed).
*BZZZZ* dammit *leans on buzzer*
And your starter for ten is. . .
Do I LOOK like I know what I’m doing?! Just help me with this damn thing! *BZZZZ* Grashenfargle!!
flash n’ gargle
Oh no I insist we share, I’ll do toilet humour 101 and you can handle wit 103
I’ll bob in afterwards and do a quick lecture on why I need faster second thoughts.
Jasarum is a monotypic genus of flowering plants in the Araceae family. The single species that makes up the genus is Jasarum steyermarkii. It was discovered in 1960, but wasn’t described until 1977 due to classification difficulties with regards to understanding this species. Jasarum is now believed to be closely related to Caladiums and it may have evolved from Caladiums that once grew in seasonal swamps.
ugly cat, ugly cat
what are they feeding you?
ugly cat, ugly cat
its not your fault
my little remixed version of smelly cat just for you
By the looks of it, he’s being fed jasarum.
well it ain’t startaco, sexy
It looks like he’s flashing his kebab at you
Looks like there’s a little too much extra cheese on that taco
Where’s the ‘KICK’ sign? Doesn’t matter, cuz that’s how I always enter a building.
Yeah, I’m a boon to property values.
I usually get kicked out
Probably lower down the door, not many people kick with their arms.
Chuck Norris does!
…
Hmm, I don’t think I’m up for that teaching job.
Chuck Norris get’s a module to himself. Do you want that and Soviet Russia jokes?
In Soviet Russia jokes ruin you?
Your mum does. . . .
*sigh*
I’ve reached a new low.
Limbo master!
And I’m your official greeter with a hearty handshake as I slap a ‘kick me’ sign on your back. “Welcome to my level, here at A NEW LOW Inc.!”
*nods head in greeting*
*heads off happily*
What a guy, what a greeting.
*kicks the Moomin*
Sorry.
*smacks CWR accidenty on purpose*
*hits his own self* Sorry, I don’t know how to make this balance, karmically.
I think the Moomin would have to hit me!
*smirks*
I could ‘hit’ on you?
*sidles ninja-like from the room*
.
*avoids jet engine intake*
Um, I don’t kick open a door like some petulant toddler kicks the back of your seat on the plane…it’s more like Brock Samson, but not as calm.
Push it?
You pusl it. Or pulh it. Your choice.
i’d rather just rip it off the hinges and rob the place. but if you insist, i must choose pusl, as pulh sound too much like pull.
People get confused already with how to open the door. Just… wow.
They couldn’t remember which way the door opened, so they put both signs to avoid being sued when someone hurts their eye while using their hands to push the door, when it was really meant to be pulled.
I guess in the USA you could sue them.
Here in the US you could probably sue them if you ran into the door believing it was automatic and got a bruise on your nose. Your case would likely hold due to the fact that they did NOT have a sign proclaiming ‘NOT AN AUTOMATIC DOOR!’
You could then go on to sue them for wearing a yellow tie that hurt your eyes. Followed by another for making you take them to court rather than giving you cash on the spot.
Isn’t the system just…. grand? *cough*
Like that lady who sued McDonald’s for not knowing her coffee would be hot?
When I was in the US I counted SEVEN warnings on the McDonald’s coffee cup. Including one on the bottom. I had to turn the cup around to read it – guess what happend.
You ruined a very nice pair of trousers?
Reminds me of that cowboy joke.
I won a lawsuit and now I’m rich!
The suit fit’s you nicely, is it Bond Street?
Should have said Saville Row really. Then there’s possibly some pun to be had about winning it in a civil row.
Let me get back to you.
I’m so incompetent when it comes to pun-runs that it doesn’t matter either way.
Awwwwwwwww. *squeeze*
We should try a thread of puns that don’t work sometime. It could be fun
Naaaah. You folks keep pun-running, I keep my mouth shut then.
No, no, the OTHER cowboy joke.
But then we realised, IT WASN’T MY SHOE!
Boot. (Not an instruction)
Great!
Cut! Print! *falls over*
So we had to chase it off with a doughnut.
The end!
What else? I heard you bought your tophat there?
I think it came from Old Kent Road, I stole it and road off with the dog as my getaway driver. We cruised on an iron-ship to the land of Free-Parking. Unfortunately we were cornered there. Then a fight broke up as to whether we got the money in the middle or not.
And then you got sent to jail?
Yes, but I made good my escape with the colonel and we went to the country mansion of a friend of his. This friend objected to our being there, so we beat him to death with a lead-piping in the study, before fleeing the scene via a secret passage to the lounge. We would have got away with it, but a dinner party had started.
I bet the whole episode turned the miss a bit scarlet!
I’ll have my scout come down and escort you out of the field, marshal.
Why do people always being up the McDonald’s coffee case? That was a legitimate complaint. “Hot” is relative. 180 degree (F) coffee causes burns over ten times as deep and fast as “normal” 130-150 degree coffee.
Consider the alternative. Everyone knows that a snowball is cold. When I toss one at you, you are aware that catching it with your bare hands will be *momentarily* uncomfortable. Then I throw a snowball made of solidified nitrogen at you. You catch it, and the skin, flesh, and bone of your hand freezes solid instantly and breaks off, leaving you with no hands and frostbite up to your elbow. Who is at fault? You “knew” the snowball was “cold”, so “obviously” you shouldn’t have caught it.
How about you push and I pull?
In theory that’s a good idea. But when you approach that door you’ll see your reflection in the window. And petrify.
sometimes I scare myself
*stony silence*
Usually I cover my eyes if you’re looking at me
Damn! I knew I should have brushed my hair this morning.
My comb has v-e-r-y wide teeth
I’m sure some braces could smooth that right out.
But should the braces be pushing or pulling? Or both? And how would that work? I don’t think anything would change. Ouch; my head just imploded. And exploded. All that money I spent on my braces was for naught.
not first
Very good observation.
fot nursed
a lot cursed?
Wasting my time, want to be reimbursed.
You sound well versed.
I’ve got a terrible thirst! Its Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I too feel this thirst, it’s terrible, but it’s not the worst.
My hunger comes first. Arthur’s wurst?
HAHAHA
Oh czuhc, you spoil the verse!
Now jam, don’t be terse. But at least you didn’t curse.
Aaaand we’re back to square one!
*slides down a snake*
Weeeeeeee!
(It’s called python, btw.)
That didn’t rhyme though.
“Mon ‘ti python”
Hahaha, I found that one brilliant myself, but I know none of you will understand!
…
*tears up application for teaching job*
*SQUEEZE*
I found it hilarious.
But a little too rehearsed.
Almost hooked up with a gorgon, but a catflap intervened – story of my life.
I’m RIGHT BEHIND you!
mother.
… tell your children not to walk my way…
I was trying to think of how to indicate that this was as spoken in a very small voice by Daffy Duck…
…Spend your lives in sin and misery
In the House of the Rising Sun.
Feeling out of synch, here.
Are we Loony-Tooning, Glen-Danziging or Eric-Burdening here? That’s exactly why we need this comedic training program!
THIS TINGZ MAKES ME LAFF
You have been warned. That kind of language is verboten.
*puts up “NO Lolspeak” sign*
If Failrich is German that should do the trick.
Those brass signs look very difficult to pull on, wonder if there’s a catflap
A cat flap? Big enough for Granny to crawl through with her shopping-jeep?
Or do you mean flat cap? (eeh bah guhm)
Eeh bah guhm? Jam, I think we’ve found you a fellow Northener!
BFF… I’m not a tyke! I’m a Northumbrian. Whay aye man!
You need the Moomin.
all this pushing and pulling has got my catflap stuck, anyone got some bacon lube?
*she puts the lotion in the basket*
Here ya go GCF.
thanks!
*tucks genitals between legs and starts singing “goodbye horses”*
(clickie)
Eating more pooptarts might get your catflap unstuck too, if the bacon lube doesn’t work. Just a thought. (Well, it’s almost a thought. More like a rambling.)
WTF was THAT?
I’ll never be able to take Nathan Bracken seriously again.
I just looked at you clickie, and now I’m scared to blink at your comments now.
I’m going to be laughing at that all day long!
DAMN! Nesting fail again… It was meant for GCF… Eck!
Don’t worry Jam, I gathered that.
By the way, and pardon a stranger’s impertinence, but what’s your clickie all about? Are you in one of the pictures?
Umm…
I found you! Sexy…
Arthur, I think you were looking at Carmen Electra!
Nope.
24!
That’s one of them.
48.
I’m not shy! Can you tell?
hoo boy.
Pffft. Nothing to see there. I’ve seen less shy girls on the internet…
Where’s this ‘internet’ people are always going on about? I wanna see girls, too.
more jam! more jam!
There is no (more) spoon(s).
But I just saw SOMETHING get bent!
The rule is:
Jam yesterday,
Jam tomorrow,
but never Jam today.
Why scared?
You’ll just end up in 1973, working for DCI Gene Hunt.
I’m having ‘oops.
*sprays*
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is that you GCF?
*air punch* YES!!!!
Yes that’s you?
I’m hotter though.
Until I turn around. :O
Got a little something hanging there! You might want to get that checked.
I’ve only been on the hormones for 6 months, but me nipples are like bullets!
The lady’s not for turning.
Spit take?
you turn her once and he slaps you twice
You takes you chance when you rolls the dice.
always check for adam’s apple, only way to tell these days
Don’t ask, don’t yell.
*logical error detected*
*unable to proceed*
The Terminator? Is that you?
Who would have thought that it’s so easy to stop the Terminator?
Me.
Bragger.
*proud*
*envious*
*puzzled* Green Chermans? Orange hearts? Blue clovers?
THEY’RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS!!
I wish i knew this just a few days earlier..
he ate my family last Tuesday.
Immediate or extended?
Yeah! I was under the impression that it doesn’t know pity or remorse, and absolutely will not stop…ever…until we are dead.
…or until it looks at me.
.. or not
Go on, look at her – you know you want to.
I do.
It’ll be a brief marriage once you’re turned to stone.
How do you get him to say ‘Yes’?
She’s wily, Arthur – you be careful, lad.
One more company using the same sick, perverted tactic to stop the whole world by trapping people in front of the door.
I think this is actually the Libertarian Party headquarters…
It’s a Push-Me-Pull-You door.
Since I’m very proud I have to do the following:
*suddenly screams*
*falls down, rolls around on the floor*
MY EYE! OUCH!
*holds left ankle, then right, then covers face with hands*
but why? you didn’t just got the legendary “oh-my-god-i-am-on-fire,-my-eye-is-leaking,-everything-hurts,i-just-sprain-both-my-ankles-and-my-face-is-ugly”-attack
did you?
*shows hairy the red card*
How on earth could you do that to him? You bring the beautiful game into disrepute.
*jumps up after miraculous healing*
Yeah, shame on you, hairy!
sorry, I wish I.. i.. i wish… i never posted that. It’s just.. it’s just i can’t ! i can’t control myself! don’t judge me for my disease! *cries* i.. i… *boohoo* i didn’t mean too.. i just.. i didn’t!! i sweeaaaar! *wipes nose* i.. didnt.. mean to hurt anybody!…
*boohooohoo*
p.s. can i get a copy of that red card please?
*photocopies red card on black and white printer*
Here you go.
I’d like to know what Jim Morrison would have to say about this situation. Maybe this is what he was trying to tell us with his music all along. Or he was just wasted. One or the other. How would one “break on through” this?? I’d probably just continue walking to a non-push-me-pull-you door. I don’t have time for door riddles. And I don’t like Skittles.
Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the door handles…
and a taste, just a little….. taste
Thank you, Dr Furter.
he’s a good old sausage
woa! it already 2:611Am again.. it’s time for my lunch!
I drink your milkshake!!
…with your hands on your hips…
festing nail
Resting pail.
What are you guys doing out here?
I failed to nest, and my lame Rocky Horror joke ended up shivering out in the cold.
Well, my lame Rocky Horror joke is all toasty bestride a roaring fire. C’mon inside!
Sorry, I meant astride, not bestride – what was I thinking!
You’re toasting a poor innocent lame joke astride a fire?!?! Oh, the humanity!!!
Guess these doors swing both ways.
are YOU making fun of MY sexuality?
your exit doubles as an entrance?
Not before Christmas!
Btw, that “Don’t try **** before Christmas” fail reminded me of a sketch that was on Dutch television (seen it, Aja?). It’s about Sinterklaas (Saint Nicholas, Sankta Claus), who basically stood model for good ol’ Santa.
You wanna watch from 2:00 and 4:10. Enjoy!
Gheghe
And not after, either!
Only during.
Push and pull, push and pull. Tis the season.
Not a fail. It’s a child safety door. You have to push the handles and pull the golden plates at the same time. It’s probably the door to an etablissement not suitable for minors.
Drunk People would be owned by this.
In order to open the door, hold the bars and kick the door HARD!!!
Morning Guys.
You’re missing the party! ———>
*grabs bunting and runs*
Is this in Savannah, Georgia?
It’s in downtown Milliedgeville, Ga
Correct, it is downtown Milledgeville!
I about died when I saw this.
I wasn’t expecting to see downtown on the Fail Blog.
I love the old lady that is standing there wondering why someone would take a picture of a door.
*brain implodes* GAHH *flail*
Photographer’s fail
Ahh, the entrance to the Midvale School for the Gifted.
TOTALY FAIL! ^^
Aww… I like your avatar!
I dunno.
Door plates don’t ususally say ‘PULL’ on them.
Also, a day that is bright enough to cause that kind of sheen on the brass and such a amasing reflection in the glass… wouldn’t there be a shadow where the pull bars meet the wood of the door?
I’m a little suspicious about this one.
*cough*PHOTOSHOP*cough*
Nope. Sorry hun. I took it myself. Come visit Milledgeville, Georgia and I’ll take you out to eat at this place. By popular demand the explanation I got from the manager when I asked after taking the pic: The old building (with fancy handles) was renovated….wall on interior added too close to doors to seperate building into two rented spaces. Plates added and hinges fixed, door opens out now…never bothered replacing the handles.
Gee…now all the mystery is gone. I feel sad.
CHOPS!!
Hey! A Milledgevilledger! C’mon you knew this was here…why haven’t you FAILED it before now?
I just realized yesterday when I went there for dinner. Otherwise I’ve always been too drunk to realize. Haha. I saw this and immediately called my friend b/c it was super ironic considering I just saw it yesterday. Haha (:
Perhaps the doors are bisexual
(They swing both ways)
Seriously stop posting photoshops. Totally lame photoshop job
It’s not a photoshop you idiot. I live here, too.
Dork. I could photoshop something way better than this. It takes real life to create something this lame. Again, C’mon down to Milledgeville. Dinner at Chops is my treat.
I don’t eat beef or pork, but some chicken with the mushroom risotto sounds good…
seen that way too many times, at my school there is even handles on an automatic door lol
Ed Hardy shirts
photo
shopped
I know this place. It’s in Milledgeville, Ga. It’s a restaurant called Chops. Weird . . .
A “keep out” would have worked better…
its pull since every emergency exit got to push… because if in case of an emergancy people can get out safely and not get smashed to the door when about 50 ppl are link running behind ya
*Whimpers* Following instructions is hard enough to begin with.
The door is obviously locked…