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FIRST
No firsting for wankers during working hours!
He wishes he were that big… as all FIRST sayers.
nah i think my size is good. condoms are a little tight…
for what POSSIBLE reason would you feel the need to validate your genital’s size to a bunch of people online?
for what possible reason would you call yourself NON-TYPICAL?
He’s^ just a fantasy, you’re imagining things.
Just a guess, you read the Times newspaper, in the UK. You read the news review on sunday.
Of course. It’s that big it that if he’d put it on the keyboard it would reach
from a to z.
well if its a german keyboard it wouldnt be too bad
If you have a german keyboard (I do have), there’s still funky Alt+Shift
In which state is this such a calamity???
That’s more than half!
you wearing them on your head, aren’t you?
Howie Mandel on Failblog? Cool!
its called a “posh wank” if you use a condom when you masterbate
what is it called when you use a sock?
Risk of athletes penis?
Cottony-soft finish!!
Capping it off
You drive a mercury mirage… are you sure you’re not a woman?
?? WTF is a mercury mirage?
mitsubishi makes the mirage…
dude the EXTRA small size would be tight on a hamster!!
probably rocks the goat skin anyway….lame
ooooh. clever. how ever did you think of that.
THe fingers on rubber gloves don’t count, honey
If condoms were not tight they would be useless…
How do loose condoms work?
WANKER.
No work for wankers during fisting hours!
NO fisting the bankers durham wokingham cowles
Personality compensation FAIL
compensating much?
Dear fellow failbloggers,
can we agree on not answering shitakemush anymore? This troll exists only to get replys to his “FIRST!!!” comments. The one time he didn’t get the reaction he is looking for he was so desperate that he replied to himself several times. There is a good chance that he will implode when no one answers him. Which would be quite nice.
Thank you for listening and sorry for interrupting the fun.
Hear hear! My thoughts exactly. Shunning works wonders on that type.
but he says he has a big pecker
I agree, and I’m sure grannycatflap can find plenty of other amusements here, as only she can do.
my allegiance is with you, truely never short of amusement here
But it never gets pumping ’til after I go to bed.
bed time is when the amusement really starts for a granny like me
Can’t beat ovaltine and a biscuit eh?
YAY! Mikey’s back!
YAY! Arthur’s ankles! *squeeze*
YAY! Special socks! *grabs after squeeze*
Where’ve you been!
*squeeze*
I missed your wit.
Redesigning sewers under the bosses eye, woo.
As it was a foul sewer, you could say I’ve been down in the dumps. . .
*jazz hands*
*squeeze*
Does that mean that from now on you won’t be able to comment as often as you did? Please say it ain’t so!
Awww Arthur, thankyou! *Squeeze*
It’s fairly random when I can make it on, I’ve just been left to my own devices a lot of late.
Schnauze, Vollpfosten.
The rude German reply wasn’t directed at you, Mikey!
.
I hoped you were here every day, all the time. I DEMAND that! Go tell your boss. Tell him, otherwise I’ll pay a visit and fart in his face. Again and again.
No letting a black man jerk you off?
if at first you dont succeed give up and shoot yourself in the face mr first guy
OVALTINE!!!!!!!!
ignoring fail
Dear fellow failbloggers,
Let’s all FIRST and reply to FIRSTs as much as possible to annoy the people like the one above (there are more of them, there’s only one FIRST).
Kind regards,
LAST
Man, you’re funny, aren’t you? And creative, huh? Yes you are! Yes you are!
*pinches cheek*
I side with Arthur on this one :/ Firsters are weak.
I sadly must admit that every time I read the word “first,” I misread it “fist.” In all its various forms.
T-R-O-L-L. that, that spells troll. wanker.
I HEAR YAH! got the same problem… except i like it, makes every “first” sentence alot funnier.
you burned him
fake
it’s real. i know author this foto. it’s from factory in southampton. there working polish people too (my english is poor, sorry)
to zdjęcie jest autentyczne. znam autora tego zdjęcia (ktos kto je tu umieścił to plagiator). Znak z fabryki w Southampton. Zatrudnieni są tam także polacy.
more info please. this is absurd
it’s meant to be a lol. it is a lol without the capshun
Is there such thing as a grammar bukkit; or would it be a grammar buckets? In any case we need two here.
wow
Wow.
ja miljaarde godverdjuè
Nervsack.
Haha Bob got Sham to say wow…I watch too many infomercials.
Can’t see the fail here. The sign’s obviously a joke in the first place. Fail fail.
It’s no joke. Failblog designed and posted this sign especially for YOU !
*points gravely at sailingteddy*
Oooh, pointing gravely! Can I join in?
*points gravely at sailingteddy*
ABSOLUTELY NOT! strictly no gravely pointing during working hours
Oops…
*quickly lowers finger and pretends to be working industriously*
HOOO, now we have two points and they will always stay with me!
*touches the two points eagerly*
Not allowed during work hours! *smacks head with giant inflatable hammer*
NO SMACK during working hours
What’re you trying to do, get on the news?
if u wanna get on the news, i heard a McDonalds ran outta nuggetz.
Well, he already got slapped yesterday for touching those points. Just sayin’… Unless czuhc likes getting slapped. Hmm…
lol — best comment
Aww, thanks. I needed that.
Uh… was that to me, or irish eagle?
I still need a hug.
*offers squirrelly SQUEEZE*
*moves in for the group hug*
Hugs both^^. Thanks.
*hug*
DW! THANKYOU! I almost fainted!
*HUUUUUG*
Excuse me there, I get excited when I’m hugged… especially by the Great Wing-er herself. You can fly circles around me. I am hono(u)red.
*bow*
*blink*
Suddenly I feel kinda like a Beatle.
*winks at Admiral*
Sidhe, thanks for the effusive compliments…that was very sweet. And thanks for the warning, too…next time I hug you I’ll bring smelling salts!
Awww but mum
What exactly are you pointing gravely with?
His hyper wank device.
(check engrishfunny if you did’t get that)
Why do you think it’s a fake? If it were only in english, I’d think so too. But the fact that it’s translated, makes me think its real. PLUS, the way the foreign one is kinda out of focus makes it look genuine.
yeee, polish accent
Hmmmm…. spierdalaj!
If we had 1 of these signs at my work i’d be the only one left working there….
Is that something to be proud of?
Chances are that you would be staring at the sign all day, completely mesmerized.
Girls can ‘wank’, we just use different equipment to that pictured in the classy sign.
And we don’t always wear black gloves.
White Gloves from Easter to Labor Day, or Your Own Wedding. Right?
*consults Emily Post*
Yep, and long black gloves for formal events.
Something sturdier if one is working in the garden.
failblog has rewarded my late night boredom surfing with this gem of a laugh. i can now sleep. =] goodnight
how very non-typical of you
That is exactly what I would expect a creature formed from an unholy union between a grandmother and a cat flap to say.
You know what the response to your comment will be, don’t you? You KNOW it. I won’t make it. Pedant.
Fake
“Cetaceans HORSES PROHIBITED during working hours”
Translated from Polish. Cetaceans apparently is the group of mammals classification for wales, dolphins and Porpoises.
Doesn’t even make sense.
You’re partly rigth, Gofers.
“Walenie” as a noun = cetaceans
but here it’s used as a verb… “to hit a horse”…
“Walenie konia” => “spank the monkey”.
English idiom also makes no sense translated literally, right?
Seems legitimate to me, although I have no freakin’ idea where such sign might be possibly needed…
In a magical place where people wanker themselves during working hours?
I’m not Polish, but I’m pretty sure “walenie konia” (literally “rolling one’s horse”) is slang for jerking off.
Things must be bigger in Poland. In the States, we have chickens and monkeys.
Don’t forget Miss Palmer.
Pewnie, że są większe, nie te wasze miniaturowe fiutki. Pacany.
Your what’s miniature?
His fiutki. Weren’t you listening?
jasssne. Twojego pewnie trzeba szukac pod mikroskopem elektronowym. Wszyscy, ktorzy chwala sie najglosniej, nie maja sie tak na prawde za bardzo czym chwalic
i jak?
Amazing! I JUST wanted to say the same thing!
Ja ma dużego… same problemy :-/
“pound the porpoise”
Yes, you right “walenie konia” means “jerking off”.
We also call it “trzepanie” or more advanced: “ślizganie pieorga”
My language is beautiful, eh?
Głupi jesteś jakiś czy co? Co ci nie ma sensu niby? Naucz się może, buraku, czegoś spoza granic swojego malutkiego kurniczka.
can sb tell where it’s from? the polish version makes me lmao!
from London
do you know freddie highmore???
“Cetaceans HORSES PROHIBITED during working hours” – googel translate FAIL
Actually it’s Ignorance Win
common consenus is that its polish slang for jerking off.
So what are we supposed to do to fill the long, empty hours?
Sex mails?
I’m working on it. Better find a private place to read it.
Better I do. I don’t want a Spanish translation of that sign in my office.
It would match the one I have hung over our bed.
I wonder if that contradicts the sign that says “It is not working when you are enjoying it”.
Is that what it says? I can’t see anything from this position except your forehead.
Let’s change the position then. Do you prefer to see the sheets of our bed or do you prefer to have a broader view of the room?
No importa donde miro. Eres el sol, la luna y las estrellas, y tu has eclipsado todo para mí.
*Steps out into sunlight*
I think I’ll take a walk, it’s hot in there.
Oooo. That’s a pretty something to say.
*courteously draws shades before quietly stepping out of thread*
Yo creo que tu luz radiante ha quemado mis retinas; si cierro los ojos todavía te veo.
No necesitamos los ojos para ver el uno al otro. Vemos con nuestros corazones y nuestras almas.
Aw! Usted decir dos palabras la más dulce el uno al otro! ¿Sabes lo que dicen … “Los niños [en el amor] dicen que el Darndest cosas!”
You could use that time to plan your masturbation and make it a very special event.
Candles, classic music, roses, a nice dinner, red wine…
You forgot the hand cream.
The potato of course goes without saying.
Don’t forget the box of kleenex!
I’d take satin.
No matter how hard you scrub, you can’t wash off the sin.
Pray for forgiveness – afterwards.
Please to wash your hands first. With holy water.
Screaming the name of the Almighty in the final moment may help too.
a…aaa…AAAAAAAAmen!
Gesundheit. Need a tissue?
Danke, but I rather take the Shroud of Turin.
Not if it’s a Puffs plus lotion.
The Shroud of Turin! LOL!
you could spend the day sitting on your hand till it goes numb and it feels like someone else
hahaha
Now you’re thinking outside the box.
Mama’s got a squeeze box, daddy gets no sleep at night.
*squeeze* leave some for granny
*squeeze*
You would have cream on your lip from any amout of pickins, no matter how small.
hahahaha! milk stash
Do guys really use hand cream for… that? That can’t be good for their wangs….
Just play with the co-workers instead.
How ABOUT them?
I’m sure they all needed the reminder.
So, there’s no problem with women doing it? GENDER EQUALITY FAIL!
Perhaps women are not allowed to wank men either.
I was refering to women masturbating.
Sounds like a gender equality WIN if you ask me. ;]
I’m sure any women with penises aren’t looking to wank at work.
Did anyone else find themselves redirected to c17.valary.com/pclick.valary?c=5a4f8525-78e2-4885-a314-37a349cab972 while looking at these comments?
No. Sounds like you might be virused up.
I Quit.
Spanking?
Banking actually, i quit my investment banking job because they wouldn’t allow use to wank… or spank
We had a special needs kid do a similar thing at the college where I work. And then his parents tried to sue because he was “made” to behave.
He wasn’t made to anything.
Someone yelled something along the lines of “Oh my f*cking god!” and he started legging it.
With his pants half way down his legs. The predictable head meets wall meets floor collision would likely have netted me a fortune if I coulda gotten a hold of a copy of the cctv footage.
./evil grin
He said…
“But I’m a Wankee Doodle Dandy…”
who wanks for a spanking daily?
His boss might spank him if he does it again. Hmmm… maybe that’s why he ejected that comment up there^.
one should always reach around, its the right thing to do
Co, głupie kutafony nie wiedzą, że zreczność małpy, siłę słonia daje dziennie bicie konia?
Pfffffff…..
Jesus.
Those balls are the size of his fists
Dogs can wank? Well, besides that one bulldog on youtube.
omg pls link?
And that’s a bad thing? Doggie style always been refreshing for me.
Go turn around in 3 circles and have a good sleep.
Chase after cars. . .eat your own sick?
huh? I…
Are you getting my goat again?
*eyes Mikey warily*
*looks at feet*
Noooooooo.
Ok then, maybe I was. Sorry. I was just commenting on other things dogs do, as everything a dog does is technically in a doggie style.
.
.
I’m not pulling your finger, it’ll cause a stink.
Uh, finger? Noooope.
*tickles under chin*
*stops wan…er, working long enough to SQUEEEEEZE the moomin!*
I’ll say this again: You did whaaat to a goat!?!
He just needs to clean his screen.
And take some anger management classes…sheesh.
*SQUEEZE*
WOOHOO!!
*SQUEEEEEEEZE!!* back atcha!
Can I squeeze mr. cuddles, too?
*SQUEEEEZE!*
apparently it means “collapsing of horse in hours of work forbid” in direct translation
They take ages to reconstruct so it’s best to collapse the horse at the end of the working day when you are sure no-one else will need it. Common sense win.
Man, my boss was angry at me when I collapsed the horse in the morning!
It’s like flogging a dead horse at times repeating these things to people. No wonder he was mad.
They’re not funny when they’re fake.
Why is it three “!” on the original text and not on the translation ? “!!!”
This is a failblog.org fail.
just lame.
quality control is slipping……..
Nowhere on the site can I find a “Fail Quality Guarantee,” so if you can do better then submit one or just STFU!
Also, you’re welcome to never return, your page views don’t amount to enough income and your comments, though few are generally useless.
rejected by the sb, thats gotta sting
Careful! You could get Wanker’s Cramp, the most deadly disease to british people.
Uh-oh!
*takes a seat in a safe distance*
I was trying to say that his hundred eyes could not withstand the combined power of DragonWriter’s FOOM, Avis’ GLOWER, or Retaba’s Evil Stare.
But the blogmonster ate my post.
Oh, well. He will “see.”
*blinks in*
*rubs eyes*
*pokes out*
*wanders into thread*
*POUNCE!!s on the admirable Admiral and smooches him breathless*
*suddenly has the strangest feeling of being watched, as if by a hundred eyes*
*…or maybe eyed by a hundred people, she’s not sure which*
*looks not with the eyes but with the mind*
*interjects for just a moment* Before you punish One-hundred any more, I’d meekly like to point out that his statement isn’t nearly as antagonistic as it seems – it’s a line from a parody, which is linked in his name.
*goes back to the kitchen drawer before she can be FOOMed*
That’s why I didn’t treat him/her as antagonistic, sweets! I just said I felt I was being watched.
And I’d never *FOOM!* anyone for bringing something to my attention like that.
*hug*
ahhhh, why not? :´(
F*cking lame, maybe. Deaf, definitely not.
Well, you weren’t until he shouted at you.
I make good gravy. Does that mean I’m not lame?
I believe so!
And I’m literally lame, having something of a limpy leg…how does that factor into the equation?
Only an odd person would try to factor that. Besides, we’re each our statistically significant others.
.
XOXOXKCD
Even better!
And while 64% of statistically significant others are made up, you are definitely the genuine article.
Huh? I can’t hear you!
You should stop “deconstructing the horse” then, it has nasty side effects.
What’s funny is, the part of that story that disgusts me the most is the reference to a “yoghurt pot”.
Couldn’t you just have said, “a cup of yogurt” (and also spelled “yogurt” correctly?)!
According to an episode of Eurotrash that scarred the minds of us all in sixth form you should use a warm pot noodle.
Mikey D thanks for the advice. Any particular flavour recommended… purely testing for scientific purposes you understand…
Well, I wouldn’t normally, but if you’re offering.
Good Lord! You just introduced me to a sexual meaning of the word “wank”. Now every time I’ll use this word (or even hear it) I’d laugh thinking of masturbation. You are NOT supposed to do that to people. That’s sick man! That’s really sick!! Now I need to use other words…
You’ll have to toss it to the back of your mind.
You just learned the proper usage of wank? Really?
No, the sexual one.
theres another usage?
My online dictionary says no.
But the raccoon says yes yes.
That slut!
Raccoons shouldn’t talk with their mouths full.
But the raccoon says ‘not in the face, not in the face’
I think it bit off more than it could chew.
What context were you using it for…
I think we should all evacuate this thread.
Evacuation in progress
how often and in what context do you regularly use the word “wank” that does not have to do with masturbation? just curious…
Go wank yourself
(You know I’m getting used to that meaning)
Uh, isn’t that like saying you just learned the real meaning of the word “fork” or “cake” or “sofa”? As far as I know, wank only has one meaning and all other uses derive from that.
what just because ur the one who says it means ur the only one exempt from this accusation
nie no, no to jest masakra!
im sorry this is an english only site
I don’t think that is true :/
Doch.
unless you kno how to translate that for me
Kein Ding: Einfach Übersetzungsprogramme aus’m Netz benutzen! Du schaffst das schon!
whoa
i would have preferred it would had been into english but thanks anyway
Hahahahaha.
A przygłupom za to wstęp wzbroniony, słyszałeś o tym może?
literal translation:
Pounding (your) Horse
in hours (of) work
prohibited
What language is the orginal sign in?
Phoenician
Haha, ty też durny trochę jesteś, nieprawdaż?
This is an announcement for Skwerlly Bob and no one else, but since everyone else will pry anyway, you’re welcome to Google translate the following paragraph.
.
Bob, chcę być zatrudniani do Ciebie. Zaangażowanych w failblog. Kocham cię, Bobby, ze wszystkie moje squirrelly serca, chcę poślubić Ciebie. Proszę, można, Bobby?
polish
holy crap! Where is this?
This is an announcement for Skwerlly Bob and no one else, but since everyone else will pry anyway, you’re welcome to Google translate the following paragraph.
.
Bob, chcę być zatrudniani do Ciebie. Zaangażowanych w failblog. Kocham cię, Bobby, ze wszystkie moje squirrelly serca, chcę poślubić Ciebie. Proszę, można, Bobby?
dude what kinda job u have to have to see that kinda sign?????
probably a job like mine with a richer company
Yes, exactly! A job where they hire pretty young things to wank you or wank for you; giving you more free time to be productive, creative and profitable.
brilliant! i should tell my boss that
OK, but knock on the door 1st, he might be… y’know…
i got here too late, damn that was disgusting
gay
fabulous
ssuuuuuperrr.
(with <3 to all past & present gay male friends)
Get YOUR OWN Internet then you can
do whatever the hell you want to on it!
You’re welcome to never return, your page views don’t amount to enough income and your comments, though few are generally useless.
ooo a double kill
Well, in all that noise, missed or couldn’t find “the OTHER use” for Wank. er.. the non sexual one…. *looks up* way to ruin a blog folks. Verbal over compensation. * sighs*
Does this restriction apply to Yngwie Malmsteen?
Wooot! All workers need to relax atleast a few times every day!
@ micro and dman. TLDR.
I couldn’t work anywhere I couldn’t wank on the job.
Oppressive working conditions!
*masturbates*
You better not be on the clock my friend!
wow….. just….wow
Big train anyone?
Sounds good.
Hand Jobs All Round!
This is going to be a T-shirt. Somehow.
Did anyone notice that is someone else’s hand?
The top sign (in polish) is quite funny too. Literally translated “Beating horse in working hours is prohibited”
there it is: working hard while hardly working!
Anybody know where this place is??? I must see this shit.
Looks like an Employer PWNAGE. I’d never work in a place where an Employer can do this kind of things with the Employed (I mean OWNING an employee).
i love wite peeps
but we dont like u
ok
we should love every one
i love little kids
IM JEASUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
its dark in here
i take it in the butt
NO KITTY THIS IS MY POTPIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That….sign…..is……AWESOME!!!
Fail
Failure (colloquially fail, phail, flop or flub) in general refers to the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective.[citation needed] It may be viewed as the opposite of success. Product failure ranges from failure to sell the product to fracture of the product, in the worst cases leading to personal injury, the province of forensic engineering.
This makes us Poles look bad -.-
omg… it even has a picture. -__________-;
First they block the internet and now this!
I don’t know what is more sad… the fact that they had to put it up or the fact that it’s from My home country (poland)
na szczęście to nie w polsce tylko w southampton
I’d love to spend a day in a place where that sign is necessary.
“Collapsing of horse in hours of work forbid” is what it really translates to, but same idea… Funny
Collapsing is for Walenie się but samo Walenie = Hitting
Hitting horse in hours…
Wow. What brought about the events that brought about this sign?
I love that the penis is white and the had is black
omg i always do that during work *any wonder wut the specil sauce is?*
ja pierdziele, gdzie rodacy toto nakleili?
haha, takie rzeczy tylko w Polsce
Actually it says;
Hitting horses during working hours is PROHIBITED!
Shopped. Its in Polish.
look it actually says something like no whisking cognac during working hours
it’s real. i know author this foto. it’s from workshop in southampton. there working polish people too (my english is poor, sorry)
to zdjęcie jest autentyczne. znam autora tego zdjęcia (ktos kto je tu umieścił to plagiator). Znak z zakładu pracy w Southampton. Zatrudnieni są tam także polacy.
it’s real. i know author this foto. it’s from workshop in southampton. there working polish people too (my english is poor, sorry)
To zdjęcie jest autentyczne. Znak z zakładu pracy w Southampton. Zatrudnieni są tam także polacy. Znam autora tego zdjęcia (ktoś kto je tu umieścił to plagiator).
What is the “reply button” of which you speak?
O.O
Wieją (niszczyć) mnie, mięso konia
how come the wiener is white, but the hand black..
“spanking horse” means the same as “spanking monkey”. Some nations have horses, some monkeys…
Polish masturbation win
Somebody printed this one out and put it up in one of the bathrooms @work. Right above it, there’s a photo of a topless girl.
can’t be real.
Actually, someone modified the pic to say that. The real translation is “Horse pounding prohibited during working hours.”
this is cause of hard-woking.
why is his thing white and his hand black?
and u cant spell, who cares?
we have a code red troll alert
You suck
Oooh fun! Can I copy and past random crap too?
Please DON’T.
past??
I think he was trying to call us German-made containers. It’s a nice compliment to be considered versatile and well-designed.
See the avatar? It’s the same as dman’s. See the name? It’s the same as micro’s. This pretty much confirms my suspicion that they’re the same person, a person without a social life, that enjoys entertaining himself by arguing with himself. Or herself.
havent you people herd of a reply button????
oh no! the comments!! they aren’t nesting properly!! noooo!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
This fail has been condemned. It happened while there was a format transfer and the reply button did not exist. We do not talk about/ revisit this fail. Please leave now and discuss nothing you saw.