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Cheezburger Company Blog
What’s wrong with women liking sex, huh?
I just can’t beat you!
*bows*
I prefer to be the dominant one, actually.
Oh! a woman I can like!
((pinch))
*gets all excited*
Whoo! Harder, harder!
*backs aiki up against a wall*
*handcuffs aiki to the wall*
*puts blindfold on aiki*
*starts Depeche Mode cd*
*waiting for the insult/joke*
Alright! This is every dream come true… so far!
*brings out feather in one hand and whip in the other*
.
Now, which hand would you like, the right or the left?
The right, no, the left… no rig… BOTH!
If I have to pick… left.
*drapes the whip around aiki’s neck*
*runs the feather over aiki starting with the right wrist, down the arm, across the chest*
*pinches aiki’s right nipple*
*Smiles like a maniac, laughs softly at the feather running up the arm*
He He… You know just how I like it.
Well, of course I know what you like, silly.
*bites left earlobe*
*shivers of excitement run up and down body and strains against handcuffs*
You are gooood.
Glad you’re having fun! But, your hour is up.
*removes blindfold, handcuffs, and whip*
Have a great afternoon, honey.
That’ll be $750.
*wonder how the hell this happened*
I don’t think it’s right to buy women or their time, but I will count this as a therapy session and worth every penny.
*hands money to Christopher, slips $100 tip to Velvet*
*wanders off in search of cookies*
And I don’t think it is right to blackmail people with pictures of said time, but I’ll get over it.
.
*hands incriminating photos to velvet*
*wanders back*
Oh can I get a copy? And why are there shots of my ankles?
Thanks, Christopher! I’ll put these in a safe place…for now.
.
No, no copies. Yet.
These pictures are of your ankles because your head was next to them. We needed a positive ID to effectively blackmail.
There’s no such thing as women liking sex
Are the trolls stupider in the morning?
it’s evening here and there’s no such thing as female trolls
Sexist!
It’s afternoon here. EVERYBODY FREEZE! We need to call in Sapphire and Steel.
TOM, tell hin to shut up!
Shut up!
Who’s hin?
Who is Hin and why do they need to shut up?
*looks to Mikey for help*
I have no idea, i just did what i was told to do!
That hin, always causing a racket.
*shakes head in disgust*
a tennisracket?
Troll: noun- one who posts something obviously meant to enrage other posters into arguing with the troll, who somehow profits from the irate posts, sits at home, and probably masturbates from feeling like they’ve pissed someone
off on the internet and made a difference in this world. “Sarah”, you are definitely not a girl, and you are absolutely right about female trolls. Enjoy your evening.
*hands dilettante a tennis racket*
source?
Source?
No love in this tennis match…
Are you talking to me, TOM? I wrote that.
Ah, Sarah, we think as one! I love you!
Yes, TOM, we shoul marry and stay together forever!
And the illusion is disspelled, and the reality is pitiable.
That saint patrick’s girl has a neat balcony!
Pfft. I figured that part out way up there ^^^^^.
i figured it out even earlier
Oh, you two are good, i didn’t notice until now
Sarah: women can like sex just as much as men. I have met women who like sex even MORE. Stop pretending to be a woman, stop trolling, get off your computer and actually get laid before you start judging the sexual preferences of other people.
Psst, Harper, that’s exactly what the troll was asking you to say.
Haahaha i saw that one coming at the top.
That’s going too far!! *jumps out of window*
Out of a window?
Was that really called for, I wonder?
On the internet, is anything really called for?
i dont think so, i dont see any phone on the internet…. how could you call for something?
With the MAGICJACK of course!
I knew a magic jack once. He wasn’t very nice.
If only they had some sort of Voice Over Internet Protocol service… if only.
Hmmm, I’m working on it…I know I’ll call it MSNSkye!
MSNSkye… hmm doesn’t flow well enough… how about… Skype!
That name will never work… *sigh*
Never! Your dissident ways are detriment to this company! It will be called MSN! You and your Skype and go and try and make a living somewhere else!
*casts Aki out of company*
*makes himself head of company*
*makes bagloads of money*
hahaha!
*markets product to companies at high rates for calls to phone, but lures them in with free calling to other members*
Ha ha… Your paltry sums of money impress me not.
*Proceeds to count money*
100 million 1, 100 million 2…
Well, there’s the bukkit.
I have to study more before I am prepared to approach the bukkit.
Hahahahahaha.
Pretty sure Mookie does corporate law and I can’t help you either being as I’m not in your country.
Sorry. Squirrels don’t have the same rights as humans. An annulment or divorce for squirrels is an execution.
.
But I did just get myself some new hiking boots which came in a great big shoe box, so there go your funeral expenses.
Skwerls, however, have remarkably similar rights as humans. Plus, at virtually no additional charge, they have BOG MONSTERS for friends.
Careful there, Christopher.
Although I do admire your shoe box generosity.
I once slayed a blogmonster; I have no fear of a bog monster.
More the pity.
Isn’t Avis calling you or something?
Im biding my time until she makes her glorious appearance.
“I’m”
*Nests this biding below that^ level anyway*
Is around. Bide no more.
Ahhhhhhhhhh, I love it when the biding comes to a sweet but glorious end!
I’m kinda fond of napalm in the morning, too.
Ahhhhh… life is good
Sorry, WhoaNellie…I didn’t have anyone to *FOOOOM!!* this morning.
Keep the box, you probably need somewhere to keep the dust off of your courtesy, dignity and masculinity.
*admires Bob’s insight*
She’s married to Bob, Willy, Peter, Long John and Long John’s Asian brother, Short John.
I’m glad to see that women celebrate their heterosexuality annually.
I celebrate my anally.
*mine*
Trying to dig yourself out of your hole?
I think he ate too much cat food…
Let me be your fantasy. . .
Let me be your sledgehammer.
I want to be your sledgehammer!
One of you has to be the anvil.
HUSH!
I’m trying to eat breakfast here!
This feels so unnatural…
or he just had to much weed
resent = to feel or express annoyance or ill will at
recent = relating to a time not long past
resent = sent once again, as with clowns
rescent: to make smelly again, as in surgically replacing the scent glands of a non-functional and/or worn out skunk
Although qualified, Skwerlly will not volunteer
to assist the surgeon in this delicate procedure.
Celebrate good times?
Nary a thing, velvet, nary a thing
Not a fail at all
((smooch)) Good morning!
Hiya V!
And a splendidly excellent morning to you as well!
A delightful first, yet again!
Thank you! I did hate taking it from Arthur, though. As long as a firster isn’t there, I don’t mind letting others share the top spot.
Indeed. And we love you for it. As you’ll recall
You any good with cherry stems?
Yes, actually I am.
I credit the retainer I had after the braces on my teeth were removed. I can turn my tongue completely over, too!
*puts in request for a private demo of your tongue gymnastics*
Same here. I can tie the cherry stem into knots, flip over my tongue, and do the wave motion with it. Hi five!
Avis is going to be soooooo happy to hear that…!
You tie my brain stem in knots.
Hee!
(I can do it with cherry stems, too.)
Let me try…
*places a glistening, dewy cherry to your lips*
Is very, very happy!
Is very, very, very happy!
Even if I am a bit late to the party.
The party really couldn’t start without you, Avis. At least not for me.
Aww! You do make me smile!
I stopped coming here for the fails a good while ago, Avis.
Ooohh! That… that’s so SWEET!!
*Absconds with a NUZZLEGROPESMOOCHSNOG!!*
*silly grin*
You’re faster and funnier. You deserve to be number one. Plus, some fails ago several trolls showed that they really hate you for it, that makes it even better.
Aw, thanks!
.
Ooh! I forgot about the trolls hating me. Well, that makes it all worth it! HAHAHA!
Yipper.
We proud o’ ya!
Win?
*facepalm*
Napalm?
This just keeps getting more and more exciting!
i agree! this is more like a win to me.
nuhtn at all
Good for her!
I’m glad you agree! And good morning! Sorry to take ‘nawt sekkund’ from you.
Don’t be sorry! You’re one of the true FailBlog heroes!
Aw, thanks! It’s nice to be a hero. ((hug))
I have to agree with Arthur; I’ve been sick on the couch the past 5 days and your failblog comments, along with a few select more like Mikey, have literally saved my life.
*hides bottle of cold medicine*
Thanks, tombtomb! And be sure to drink plenty of water. It’ll flush your system and re-hydrate you (colds dehydrate you without you noticing). You’ll feel better a lot sooner!
And call velvet in the morning
drink beer, that tastes better and does the same job!
Thankyou Tombomb!
*Squeeze*
Hope you get better soon!
i need a hug
plz squeeze me 0.0
Squeezing cheese makes me sneeze.
Please don’t squeez the cheese.
Well, it’s better than cutting the cheese.
Jeez!
especially below the knees.
Oh Puleeeze! Don’t Tease!
*takes keys and flees from cheese squeeze*
*sees Skwerlly is really running from bees*
Ahh! Wait for me!
*flees as well from the bees*
Why are you running?
Bees don’t have Fleas!
OH!
BEES! RUN!!!
Godspeed! They fast approach from the trees!
Wouldn’t the alternative be a bad thing? Anniversary WIN.
Skwerlly I would pay good money to see how that brain of yours works. However, I must admit that your words have an air of truth to them.
I’ll take that as a compliment.
Well, lets see; frictionless bearings, a Slinky, a Magic Eight Ball, decades of Mad Magazines, way too much coffee, ADHD, and a mind enamored with logic but mellowed by an untreated schizophrenic imagination. Plus, I guess, dashes of absurd influence from exposure to Tom & Jerry, The 3 Stooges, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Ren & Stimpy, The Roadrunner, Popeye, Far Side, Calvin & Hobbes, George Carlin, Hugh Hefner, and Steven Wright. ALL mixed with to much free time, internet access and boredom
what the hell?
*deletes daughter’s email & gravatar from laptop*
*makes note to change password on laptop*
better
Geesh.
That was scary.
It was a compliment.
*reads the rest*
Oh… the slinky. That’s what I couldn’t place my finger on. Now it all makes sense!
Ah! Yeah, the slinky is on an Up Escalator and is always just out of reach.
Wow.
*PUSHES*
You original comment fall down! HA! HA! HAR! HAR! HAR! HAR!Damn BOGGY!
Come HERE!
*points* Now, stand that original comment back up!
Here’s $5 tmwwmgkbh and a Sham Wow!
I’m sorry about your original comment & all, but you’re still wrong!
Come on BOGGY, it’s time to go home and feed the BOG Creatures.
’tis a bad day for Lesbianism, to be sure!
True, since every lesbian in the world wanted Lisa and only Lisa, their sexual orientation is questioned by this sign. If only her husband’s name were Vag, we could keep the status quo!
but she hates balls
That’s a problem for the street hobos in the winter then.
only if you’re trying to get them to hold your balls for you, with violent consequences if they don’t obey.
I thought she liked to use them as an executive toy and clack them together?
Ow Mikey…ow…
If he does, I hope Lisa doesn’t find out. THE SCANDAL! :O
(she is married to one)
sorry what sex wee? I mean love juice
haha
I am taking that as a WIN
geriatric sexuality WIN
Is this some obscure reference to how long Simpsons has been on the television? If so, rather naughty isn’t it.
No. Sorry.
End of the line, please.
Attempt to induce nightmares fail.
I live right up the street from this place. I almost died when I saw that on the sign. I’m so glad someone had a camera and shared!
Well, I MADE this sign, lived in a camera, shared the street, and THEN died.
I died and you made this sign out of me. The street never lived it down.
*takes a photo*
*shares it*
I feel naked without your ankles in the photo.
Soon, my friend… soon.
I shall wear my special socks.
Keep your mitts off my peal socks, Mikey!
I have my own socks thankyouverymuch. They’re blinding!
*puts on sunglasses*
Ooooh! Very nice!
Lisa’s sexual experiments with girls in college was just a phase.
So you’re saying it didn’t phase her?
Oh yeah she’s losing it.
No, but her phasers were stunning.
After all these years they are going to tie the knot.
Lisa’s left a host of crying innuendos jilted and scarred.
Now all they can do is shoot her blank looks.
He is going to feel in-deferens about it all.
Be prostrate when you speak of him!
Keep badgering me, and I’ll have my lawyer engage you in ligation.
Do you think she’ll crest that wave, come around and see the error of her ways?
A struggle in the tide of recent emotions might signal a sea change.
Speaking of…
*holds out cherry stem with four neat knots tied in it*
My current speed record is four knots. I’m sure I can do better, but I was distracted by that delicious cherry…
Hee! Hey, that cherry was for me! You’re getting a tongue-lashing for that…
Ooh, promises promises! Careful, or you’ll make me all tongue-tied.
Tell us what you really think.
Funny thats my favorite quality in a woman.
Mine is when they can tie a Cherry stem in a knot with their tongue.
B2F does have a valid point…
I found the first girl that could do that and married her by god.
A man of good taste, obviously
Cherry taste even!
It has to be the taste of genuine cherries, though. Cherry-flavored items are just cheap frauds!
After all these years, Lisa still isn’t batting for the other team.
In college there was an intramural team called the Nads.
The entire point was to cheer them on.
“Go Nads!
Go Nads!
Go Nads!”
The way I heard that one was that another team was then called “Off”, so then when they played the cheer was “Go Nads! Beat Off!”
Fires up Photoshop…
You seem to be missing a few asterisks…
*hands “**” to WN*
*closes portal to ICHC*
Hmm, it seems they got out again.
*stuffs typo fairies into jar*
What experiment to devise next, I wonder….Hmmmm….
*hands asterisks back to Strategist*
*never uses second hand asterisks*
*comments: “son, I was active on forums on the net when you were still in school”*
*snickers*
I’m still in school. High school.
Figgered as much.
*silently and magically transforms Nellie’s ‘Figgered’ into ‘Figured’*
How can the bartender still be in school? Jeez… what’s the pub world coming to?
I TOLD you he was jailbait!
Hey, I’m only trying to get a drink here! *whistles*
Wolf whistling won’t make it come any faster.
:p
*feigns shock*
How very dare you? As if a respectable girl like me would wolf whistle at anyone let alone a strategically placed barman.
How very dare you indeed young lady!
Oh this ought to be good.
*bellys up to the bar, grabs a seat and watches*
Should I run now then do you think?
*stops playing peanut/shot glass tiddlywinks and looks up*
What are we watching?
We’re waiting for Dragon’s reaction to Jam. It could go either way.
I don’t know whether to guffaw at the “respectable girl” part or the “young lady” part more.
So I’ll just give a general “BWUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!” and let you guys sort it out.
*snork*
Ah, the sweet sound of laughter.
I think they were hoping for flames and the like.
Not to worry, there will be other times. I always manage to piss someone off somewhere. I’m good at that.
I honestly was not hoping for flames. I knew there would be a reaction and wanted to be here when it happened.
All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two…
*chuckles to self*
I could have been jam hot…
I don’t *FOOOOM!* people who merely piss me off. I only incinerate those who practice wanton ugliness and rampant stupidity, who attempt to foment hatred and who propagate prejudice and idiotic stereotypes.
People who piss me off get *thwacked* by a fish or by rhetoric, and those who really piss me off just get ignored.
Crap. I just gave myself the biggest earworm ever.
I think I’d rather be *FOOOOM*ed than hit with a fish.
*
*gags*
Besides, that just proves I did none of the above.
*note to self: must try harder –
Careful, she might just upend a pudding bukkit over your head!
It would have to contain fish to scare me.
I think someone’s bukkit contains fluffy mackarel pudding…
Noooooooooooo…..
I’m orf!
*scoots off quickly*
I can make you a sign!
What do you want it to say?
“Never take signs from strangers.”
What size, colour and font?
Are we still talking about signs?
Kim von Klev isn’t bad too, but it would work better if you had a really big scar.
And hung around in storms looking foreboding.
And carried a huuuuuge sword.
and only ate coco-pops and cherry drops. Sometimes push pops too.
I knew you were going to say that.
I’m getting predictable in my old age
You are delectable, you old sage.
You are undetectable, you old mage.
You are indecent, in a fit of rage.
You are resplendant, out of your cage.
You are insolvent, on your wage.
Your smell is repugnant, and so is your visage.
czuhc, is your avatar the captain from Tin-Tin?
I’m no doctor, but the answer is yes indeedileedoo.
Why yes Christopher, well spotted, it IS Captain Haddock, now only known to a few, but come 2011 and Spielberg’s movie “The secret of the Unicorn” and provided that I will still be using the same avatar I will benefit greatly from Haddock’s fame. How’s that for a masterplan?
Hey, I live near this fail!
Time to track down this Lisa…
Me too. Or my parents do, anyway. And I went to high school with a chick named Lisa. Hmmmm.
ATTENTION! The bar now has an ordering system! Seeing as there are so many fails that have been flooding FB recently, supply cannot be met with demand. So, I will serve you when I am online, and when I am not, I will hand you your drinks in the next fail. That is the system. Learn it, Live it, Love it.
.
Moving on…*puts on bartender outfit*
*opens bar*
What would you like? Jam, would you like your regular drink…..?
Scorpion Bowl please.
Allright then!
*adds 2 oz. Gin
1 oz. Rum, dark
2 oz. Rum, overproof/151 proof
2 oz. Rum, white
2 oz. Vodka
2 oz. Grenadine
4 oz. Orange Juice
4 oz. Pineapple Juice Into picther*
*stirs*
*slides down bar*
*hands it to akiwaza*
This serves 2-3 people, so don’t drink it all in one go, see?
*looks up with half of it gone*
Huh?
Perfection… Anyone want to try some?
*proffers bowl*
Tsk tsk tsk. I said make it last, but whatever makes you happy.
SURE!
*sits on rim of bowl with a straw*
SLURRRP!!
Acck! BRAINFREEZE!
*falls to table dazed*
*rinse, repeat*
*rinses SB*
I’ll leave the repeating to you.
Thanks!
*sits on rim of bowl with a straw*
SLURRRP!!
Acck! BRAINFREEZE!
*falls to table dazed*
*rinse, repeat*
Heh. I’m not much of a sadist, but…
*rinses SB again*
This is the last time I’ll do this for you.
One packet lemon jello gelatin
.5 ounces Grey Goose Vodka, or another preferred vodka
.A splash of everclear
.A splash of bacardi 151
.6 ounces of pineapple fruit, brokn up into small wedges
.2 ounces grenadine
.2 ounces of Disaronna Amarretto (for the slight cherry aroma)
.Another splash of everclear, about an ounce or two
.
*light on fire*
.
Pour flaming concoction into ice-cold sprite, and mix until flaming ceases.
*Drink as shots. Enjoy.*
.
*Call an ambulance*
Whoa…that’s hectic…
*puts on fire retardent suit*
But seeing as you want it, I’ll have to give it to you.
*pours everything into pitcher*
*lights it on fire*
*pours into ice-cold sprite, or ice nymph, if you want to be pc*
*slides down bar*
*pours shots*
Some for you, and some for your lovely lady friend over there!
*slides back down bar*
I am NOT setting those drinks on fire. You can use a lighter.
Triple Cabo Wabo?
A tequila! Very good choice.
*prepares TCW showily for WN*
*slides down bar*
*hands to WN*
There you go!
*slides back down bar*
FROZEN COLDMug of Jack Black & Coke Please, no ice.
(I’m allergic to ice)
Allergic to ice? Ok, I’ve never heard that one before…
*takes frozen cold mug out of freezer*
*pours JB and coke into it*
*slides down bar*
*hands it to SB*
There you go!
Before I go, can I ask you how you got the frozen cold to look like a hyperlink?
*waits patiently*
a = hyperlink
b = BOLD
i = Italics
code =
code TEXTstrike =
strike outhyperlink BOLD Italics
code TEXTstrike outoh!
THANKS FOR THEBEERDRINK!!!You are welcome!
Thank
you.Thatwasis helpful.I’ll be there to warm you all the time….
*makes flaming sambuca for jam showily*
*slides down bar, keeping flames away from face*
*hands it to jam*
There you go!
*slides back down bar*
Wheeee!
Aw.. you’re sweet my strategic friend but alas I’m old enough to be your err.. umm… big sister.
*looks hopeful*
I’m taking the drink though.
*stuffs a generous wad of cash in bartender’s shirt pocket*
*walks off with a wink, a salute and a cheeky smile*
onehundredandsixtysecond!!!!!!!!!11oneelevel
Don’t you mean “nald’s McDo”?
I dunno. Let me go to the brown loo and think about it. Or the white one.
Choose quickly, it’s a long way from whitestown to brownsburg.
Last I saw her, she was heading to the coatroom with Tom and Harry.
Bravo!
Harry Shearer also does the voice of Lisa Simpson?
That sounds like it could be a SOAP OPERA!
This could be a SOAP OPERA!
Sorry. Double comment FAIL!
Don’t forget me!
You are being overlea optimistic.
Hey!
You’re the monkey that stands in between the mirrors at the fun house!
I can dream, can’t I?
I drive by this place almost daily. They’ve had some real winners on their sign.
i think they did that on purpose
This was already posted a long time ago. I am a long term Failblog user
wow this is just full REALLY random conversations…… I WANNA JOIN!
You guys realize that these aren’t real and there is a website where you can just edit those panels right?
yep, i definitely saw this in real life on belair rd near the city/county line in baltimore a while ago. i laughed so hard i actually had to drive past it a second time. classic.
*facepalm*
Mental GIANT! Fail!
Au contraire, it was an excellent first post. Fairly witty, somewhat dirty, and not at all trollish.
You get an A.
*smiles* Just the village idiot, doing her job
*Opens door*
*Looks flustered*
*Starts to say something*
*Turns around and closes door*
sounds like her love goes deep.
It’s a fail because she hasn’t discovered lesbianism.
for me, that is a win
This looks to be from Baltimore, MD
Baltimorons are stupid enuf to do this.
Just not the same one she married
*Annexes your virulent world of Alcohol and fail-less fails with a specialist mix of 5 parts napalm to 1 part liquid ammonia sulphate (for that special “WTF is that smell!” afterkick.)
And whilst you’re up all I have Johnny Walker blue, straight up, barkeep.
Better make that a pint.
Of Johnny Blue.
*drops an ice cube in Skwerl’s drink just to see what happens*
What happens if I use…
I pass by that sign every day returning from work and I never noticed it saying that! Hahahahaha!
ummm. does anyone have a life here?!
i guess not cuz im here
I don’t get it. A woman and a man still love each other?
Crazy! This place is right up the street from my house!!
SLUT! SLUT!!!!
That’s not a fail, that’s a win!
Omg.I live near here.I think I saw This
… and for many years to come.
I’m sure she does. Cheney will be happy.
And… that means how many years?
ugh, how gross.
You’re all stupid(:
There, that’s settled.