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Cheezburger Network Blog
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Cheezburger Network Blog
ninth!
Next!
And then?
Annnnnnnd theeen? rofl.
Dude! You got a tattoo.
Whoa!
Sweet! What does it say?
Dude! What does mine say!?
Sweet! What does mine say?
I knew you wouldn’t let me down!
And theeeeen?
No and then!
annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen?
.NO AND THEN!
and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then and then !!!
And then along came Jones
Tall thin Jones
Slow-walkin’ Jones
Slow-talkin’ Jones
Along came long, lean, lanky Jones
… in bed.
Ray Stevens win.
It just costs 1.99$
that’s great 
That’s what she said
That’s what your mom told me last night
It’s funny because it’s for kids.
You shouldn’t talk about your penis like that.
you shouldn’t talk about your pants like that.
Hazard – small parts
hardens in mouth
choking hazard
Somehow that hurts. Is the mouth highly acidic or something?
A torture kit for adults would also be funny. Scary, but somehow funny.
a board that says “just add water”
I see where you’re getting at, there.
I like your style. Your comments right to the heart of the matter on the fails have raised a smile.
You are easy to please, Mikey B.
Perhaps that’s why I like you.
Nothing to do with his abnormally humongo dongo penis?
You rang?
No, it is spelled “wang”.
I said penis not ego dear one.
Two for the price of one. At only double the price!
Hmmm, these socks are a little worn. Let’s see if this works…
*jingle, jingle, jingle*
*POUNCE!!!*
And my kitchen counters were never the same since.
*SMOOOOCH*
*grins*
And they won’t be for some time!
I was hoping you would swoop in for some quality time!
I like the new avatar!
It’s kinda funny, your old one is very similar to my old one.
There’s something I’ve been thinking about, Avis. I know we haven’t been fail-dating for too long (Christmas eve with the mistletoe hats), but…
*Gets down on one knee*
Will you be my fail-ance`?
OH! Of COURSE!
*smiling from ear to ear*
*throws arms around Christopher*
Awwwwww!!
*wipes a tear*
Just promise me I get to be a failmaid!
Aw, baby, you’ve made me the happiest failblog commentor ever!
*Carries Avis onto taxi-roc*
*snuggles into Christophers arms*
Let’s go sully that countertop!
And Dragon, well of course you do! You might have to officiate as well though.
Sure, among other things. But first, let me enjoy this snuggling a while longer, if I may.
Mmmmmmm! ‘Kay.
So… I guess this means I have to meet your parents, huh?
Only if you really want to, they are kind of… snobby at times. The whole no man will ever be good enough mentality.
I can live with that. Actually, I’d have to agree with them.
Awww, gee…. *scuffles toe in the dirt* …thanks.
*blushes*
Awww…
Horay for yoooooooooooouuuuuuu!
*makes rheum more comfortable*
*fluffs pillows, places them strategically*
*rubs whatever aches*
*sighs contentedly*
Thankyou Dod :p
p.s. *SQUEEZE*
Your comments are why I like you.
*feels the love, wants some* *hugs, squeezes for all*
*SQUEEZE*
Follow the golden rule: love others as you would love thy self.
Last time I did that, I was arrested
*SQEEZE* *SQUEEZE*
I didn’t want the other one to feel left out
*jumps into thread*
*SQUEEZE*
Jumps on McFail.
*PINCH*
Eeep! *smacks Blue* Sorry, I don’t take well to being pinched.
*Clocks in*
*Holds position*
Looking for a raise are you?
I think the benefits package covers it nicely.
*squeeze!*
If that wasn’t sarcasm, I thank you. If it was, I will cry a little.
Do you have affection for funnyboi? Is that why you would cry or thank him? Are you overly protective of him and any comment made to him?
NOOOO! I meant Mikey D’s comment, not the annoying idiot bunnyfoi!
Ooops. But I guess his name works like that too
But you see, Mikey D was responding with sarcasm to him, not you.
It wasn’t sarcasm, but it was actually directed at Funnyboi. The stating of the obvious tickles me.
*tiptoes off silently*
*SQUEEZES moomin before he sneaks away*
*tiptoes back*
*SQUEEZE*
*runs off again*
teeheeheeheehee.
Oh. And I thought… nevermind…
*hangs head*
*slowly walks off*
Sorry Arthur, I feel I am causing nothing but trouble here today.
Silly Mikey D, you do that everyday
*has been silently enjoying all the SQUEEZING*
*SQUEEZES the sheep*
*prodprodprodprodprod*
Ouchie!
I GET IT!!!! its a fail because it says “INSTRUMENTS”, which is obviously plural, but it also says “NET QTY 1″!!!?!
ROFLCHOPTERS!
SOI
Ha! roflchopter!!!
*wubwubwubwubwubwub*
LAST!
No! ME!
Only $1.99! A bargain, for torture-instruments…
Nonsense! Back a few years torture instruments were 0.002 cents! And they came in shiny iron metal, not cheap breakable plastic!! People these days!
You idiots. Back in MY day we made our own torture instruments for free using whatever we could find laying around at the time – AND WE LIKE IT THAT WAY!
Don’t make me beat you with my cane, sonny!
WTF
FTW?
:O
another nitram!
and yes, FTW
CDO much?
$1.99?!?!?!
My parents had to pay almost $40 for “My First Torment Kit”.
My first guillotine was over $100!
)
(Side note: snow has reached Belfast finally! Chaos on the roads so I’m having a day off
Don’t forget to make some snow lephrachauns.
*leprechauns*?
“little snowpersons of a magical nature”
Are they magically delicious?
No snow-leprechauns, I’m afraid :p
Had a brief snowball fight and then got too cold, hehe.
Well, you were a gifted child, sweetie.
But now you have to live in the present.
*gives Mookie a gift*
*Wonders what that offering was for*
guess I’m just the giving type.
That explains this itching and burning.
*Puts on latex gloves, opens tube of medicated cream, applies generously to Jules itchy areas* Any better?
You missed a spot. Behind the ears.
Everytime I try you start kicking your leg, you just wanted your ear scratched didn’t you?
Wow nothing like coming out of a meeting where I am the only female and finding man on man action.
Mr. cuddles and bod will be SO sorry they missed this.
*raises in out of breath* Where’s man on man action? My spidey senses were tingling!
“Raises in….”???
*SNORTGIGGLE!*
Paging Dr. Freud….paging Dr. Freud….!
Careful, don’t slip.
Of corset not.
Hahah…whoops! I didn’t even notice that. *secretly replaces raises with races*
What did I miss cinch I was gone?
*toothy grin!*
Hee…!
I thought you might need a paper clip. Or two.
It was just a friendly ear scratching, my gawd people. lol
Why is it wrapped in latex?
….no but it’s in a box!
Is that what that is? I thought I had sat on my cellphone again.
I didn’t know you still carried one of those old brick phones.
Yes, it’s ridiculously large but it’s so reliable I can’t give it up.
Pfft, Quit stroking my ego, it’s large enough don’t you think?
I don’t know. Let’s keep stroking it and see how big it gets.
Ok, do you want me to come over there or do you want to come over here?
From the looks of things, you can stay where you are and reach me just fine.
Thanks, That takes a load off my mind.
Better clean that up before Dana gets home. *proffers ShamWow*
Nah, I’ll just make her clean it.
The answer to that is rather simplex, really.
I still have the handcuffs and leather straps.
Hmmm… what are you doing for lunch?
Mookielattes
The same I did on Monday and Tuesday… but a little more raw this time.
*turns off the stove* Lunch is ready, then! I forgot the silverware, though, so you’ll have to eat with your hands.
Do you think I will need a napkin?
I bet its a recorder…
Worst instrument ever!
Oh dear God, my ears! No more recorder practice!
*Remembers elementary school concerts and cries.*
*suddenly suffers a formerly repressed memory of elementary school recorder concerts and starts crying uncontrollably like an infant*
Warning: small parts.
They’ll choke to death!
You shouldn’t talk about your penis like that
You’ve made that statment before Loz, but I almost shot coffee out my nose this time.
*decides against the “venti” café noisette*
*Snort!*
Marius, the coffee goes out your nose…not in. Just sayin’.
Reminds me of the inevitable accidents starting out in the “Wine Appreciation” course.
Oh, really? Do tell!
Never mind, I found this at the bottom of the page and thought I’d go for a ride. Wine through the nose hurts, but not as bad as beer or soda through the nose.
I’m curious to hear the story of how you know that.
I sometimes drink when I’m reading the comments here.
And once, long ago (fifth grade) I laughed so hard I shot pepsi out of my nose. It didn’t feel good. I’m sure it was funny to watch though. And I bet it actually cleaned out my sinuses.
*wonders if this post is going somewhere*
I can read your mind.
Then you should be blushing right now.
You florid me with that thought!
*festoons bed with rose petals*
*HUGS!!!*
Feeling better, sweets?
*gasps for breath*
Yeah, still sniffling but getting better, thanks.
*hugs back* *pinches bum*
WOOP!
…You ARE feeling better.
Thats a deal!
You can’t say no to a price like that!
You can’t start too early. 5 is a little late.
No, 5 is ideal. Check history: Saddam was only 3 when he got his first torture kit.
See – that’s why the western world will never make it to major league torture.
We have to train our talented youngsters as early as possible!
Have you ever been to CCD?
No, but I have been to a place with LSD. Does that count?
Only if it was a fun place.
It was more fun AFTER he took it, of course.
I heard you can make great music on an instrument of torture…
I heard you can make great waves here by telling you to shut up.
…
…
…
…
…
…
Shut up.
*stands up and throws arms in the air*
Hey! Quit rocking the boat! I’m trying to fish here. *Hands blue a cane pole and a beer* Sit, relax, listen to the waves lapping against the boat.
Ugh, was completely unprepared to go in that direction, but f*ck it, I’ll play along. Where’s my damn bait.
Chill, look down at your feet, it’s in the bukkit.
So it is…..So it is. Why does it smell like onions?
Sorry, I spent the night at my girlfriends, thats not the bait.
eww, no wonder I am only catching bearded clams.
Mmmmm, bearded clams. Cya in a bit, hungry now, headed to lunch.
New from the Marquis de Sade, the Children’s Instruments of Tourture line promises to bring hours of BDSM fun to all the kids in your family!
A game the whole family can flay!
Just whip it out anytime!
You slay me!
Only so I can kiss it and make it better… Nice boots, btw!
.
(off to teach class… see you all later!)
Nice rack, too.
…which I say in a totally non-lesbian kinda way, of course.
Hours of splaying fun!
The Marquis De Sade?
Would you like to read my trousers?
I would much rather just take them off
I fear my socks would blind failblog.
That or your white a$$ legs…:-)
Oi! They’re part of my proud English heritage!
Or your white a$$! Are you jalous?
Nah, he has more butt hair than I.
He has more butthair than any of you. He’s manly like that.
I hear the assfro is making a stylish comeback.
*mental image pops into head*
*faints*
for abu-graib-kids
Obama closes Guantanamo and sells furniture at dumping prises!
S&M training started early! Ages 5 and up!
Well you have to start early…this way they know what they’re doing once they reach adulthood.
Yes very true, learning what a safe word is and means, not to strike anywhere near the face, only strike in areas that can be covered, bruises aren’t fun but reddning the skin with a paddle can be…..man wish I would have learneed these early.
*scootch*
(Is it just me, or did she actually *scootch* closer? )
Oh she scootched alright…right onto my lap
i thought *scootch* was towards and *SCOOTCH* was away
Most kids toys seem to be instruments of torture…
Ah, this is after my own heart…
.
Wait it’s only $1.99? They were $0.002 when I was given one at age 3! Damn inflation. But still, it made a great gift for me, and it will make a good gift for your child, i swear!
I can’t believe Cheney is already falling on such hard times that he’s selling his childhood toybox.
A buck-ninety-nine? GIVEAWAY!
CIA next-gen training WIN.
Damn, had I only came a minute earlier……
.
waits.
Fine, since no one else is going to…..That’s what SHE said!
For the last-comer the bones.
.
baits.
Baby’s first Waterboarding kit?
My Little Pillory?
Shoots and thumbscrews?
Twister
Fox in stocks?
Mouse trap
Aggravation!!!
Candy Brand?
Rackses and Allies?
Splattergories?
Baldersmash?
Not Sorry?
Scrambble?
Crucifixionary?
guess this is better then sex toys…….
So whats about it? Its a care kit for tortoises..
Am I not turtley enough for your turtle club?
BRODEQUIN !
From the makers of Guantanamo Bay.
Your typical American Toys… I bet Bush/Cheney have some interest in the company that sells this.
Viewed from the EU (or from Azerbajian as you claim), you are indeed very typical in your glorification of violence. You even have presidents and vice-presidents that openly defend torture (after applying it of course). No need to draw a picture. That’s not to say that we europeans can’t be described as typical of course
although you’re in a much better position to ventilate them of course. Anyway, just FYI: I like America. So don’t start torturing me just yet ^^
Wow thanx for the loads of comments on my fail! It’s from Target’s Halloween costume accessories from last year! Such a cool find. We were laughing in the aisle for almost half an hour!
Should go nice with the child predator hands.
Well, it’s “instruments of torture” as defined by the Geneva conventions.
So…
A tickling feather and a book of dirty jokes.
On the outside: “Instruments of Torture”
.
Inside contents: “One Failblog ‘First’ Troll”
for ages 5 and up!
The box should say “As Seen on C-SPAN.”
New from Fischer-Price! Its the “Spanish Inquisition Playset”! Get those heretics and witches to confess! Fun for ages 3 and up!
Actually, it’s ages 5 and up. There is a reason for that, kids don’t usually have the strength to work torture devices properly until about age 5.
I anyone knows where this can be bought online, or if anyone want a to make a quick buck by charging me a service fee for buying one and posting it to the UK, let me know. There are people for which this would make an ideal joke present…
this is from target. i buy so much halloween shit at target every year, and that’s what the tags look like. it was probably a halloween prop set with small parts: thus the ages 5 and up.
How is this fail? It’s obviously some halloween crap of something like that. Failblog is really reaching. .. and failing. .
I saw it at Target last year. I doubt you can buy it any longer. I live in Ireland now, and if I see another such item it shall be purchased and put on eBay.
And as far as this not being a fail. Whatever. I have no judgement for those who don’t understand it and are cranky…
My nuts are itchy.
Maybe you should be telling your doctor about that instead of the rest of the world.
These are plastic shackles and a fake ax. It is sold in target during haloween. I own one.
Where can I get that?
Walmart!
Parents, your jobs are about to get a lot harder.
WANT.
Anyone notice how it’s from Wal-Mart?
its from Target. Not wally world. I wouldnt be caught dead in walmart.
so they can learn it at home and not just from their government
what you dont see is that under the label in the bag is a child size accordian>.<. WHY ARE THEY EVEN CREATED?!
I think my Dad has those as a child…
instrument*S* of torture…
item quantity: 1
i recognize that label!
its Halloween toys
oh target
Shopping Plaza Online is the best way to find everthing you needed for your kids.
Hmm, This seems like a toy that The Warden from Superjail had as a kid.
these comments are filled with off-topic discussions, once someone changes the subject, a whole swarm of kids follow
this is just sad