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FIRST
you firstholes try me
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
Santa’s pants?
No, the vicar’s house.
The angels actually seemed to like Santa’s pants…
The number of trolls today is disturbing! I think we need the big guns.
Where’s BFF & his tazer?
We’re gonna need more than a tazer. A whole lot more.
*starts stoking the fires*
If we can herd them into the cage, you should be able to *FOOM* them all in one fell swoop. Sound good?
*looks around room*
Crap. We’re gonna need a bigger cage.
It’s a new “Super Troll Cage” made by the SHAMWOW people. It absorbs all the Trolls you can cram into it!
It may look full, but watch!
*kicks 16 more Trolls into “SHAMWOW Super Troll Cage”*
They’re hardly squished and only bleeding a little!
Is the cage itself fire resistant? Will it hold up to repeated *FOOM*ing? ‘Cause that’s what we REALLY need.
DUH!
It’s made by GERMANS!
It’s a SHAMWOW Corp. Product!
*hugs Avis* Don’t WORRY so much!
Let’s field test it, shall we?
Hold on…I need some inspiration.
*grabs the Admiral and separates him from his socks*
*feels temperature rising exponentially*
*takes a deeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath and aims at Super Troll Cate…*
*FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!*
….*pant…pant…gasp…*
…so how’d I do…?
…aside from the spelling mistake?
*ker-SPLORTCH!*
Check it out! The cage is absorbing the ashes!!
*sobs with happiness* More spelling Nazis…. I have found my people!
*wipes olive-flavo(u)red pudding from eyes*
Ooooo! And the flames just temper the bars and make them stronger!
RICK ROLLED!
Even Astley would give you up, qwert.
*welcomes demeterAUS into the fold*
Hmm, well i could always bring out my Secret Service Tazer that BF tried to take away from me…would that help?
*waves tazer menancingly*
Way to keep that secret, Strategist!
i am retired. don’t you know, all things go on the black market once they’re retired?
why did you say “rick rolled?”
I will keep the home fires burning!
Yum, home fries. Now if only there were some eggs and toast to go with it.
I’ll have an egg, if you’re cooking. No toast for me, I’m low-carbing.
How about some of this turkey sausage I cooked up earlier?
Thanks, but I’ve really been hankering for an egg. Maybe Cuddles would like some sausage?
I thought we made a pact to not be as nasty as everyoneelse on here.
Everyone Else? Where, where??? *grabs the sausage and runs*
* steps in … looks around … huffs … departs *
*Sighs*
Note to self: 1915 earworms will get your breakfast stolen.
*Goes hungry.*
*gives Marius a cookie*
Mookie, it’s not your sausage that’s in danger.
*admires the bellows*
Are you ready for another hand of poker, then?
Absolutely, but it’s going to be a cold night. Allow me to stoke the firebox tonight.
Thank you, that would be lovely. I see you already brought the wood…that was very thoughtful of you.
*smoulders*
*admires the fellows*
*advises the cellos*
Spools rush in where angels fear to thread.
Spoons rush out where mentalists dare to bend.
I pity the fool who knows not there is no spoon.
But…but….!
…I like spooning.
Bend me to your will.
I will.
You’re one pliable geller.
¡ U R i
I think Comments wont nest below this level.
I see you can count to ten.
*yawn*
*curves and coils*
A spoonful of honey helps the hedonism go down.
In the most delightful way.
Hedonism never needs to be bribed, sweet stuff.
*grilly sin*
Woops…I made a spoonerism.
I LOVE Casey Spooner! But there’s always something better…that’s the sweetness of it all.
Dilly, are you from Manhattan?
SoHum, silly lol!
Nah, I’m from The Other Side New York.
Diagonally!
Thought so.
Worked Tribeca from UpSail till ’85.
Hell of a commute from the Island.
You too MC?
I’m an alien, sorry.
Resident Martian, but I make the trip from time to time. Where my Martians at? Lunchbox, report in!
Don’t be sorry. You should visit before the reforms “Il Duce” Giuliani finish eroding.
*Snort* Good Times!
Houston St. had more show and tell.
Ah, the Philadelphia strip club, the “Show & Tel”. You can roll a keg right into that place. It’s BYOB in this town.
Bring your own babe?
Bring your own dollar bills.
Whoot! Snow shovel sale!
I think that might be their day job, the club’s across from a Home Depot.
Well, all work and no play. . .
Makes Crystal a dull lapdance.
No, that’s all jerk and no pay.
Spoooon!
Chairface Chippendale says shut it.
Dup dweee dup dup dap dweedow. . .
I’M GOING TO WRITE MY NAME ON THE MOON
Arthur – “Not in the face! Not in the face!”
Speak!
Clowns don’t charge, they scamper.
But what about the little wooden boy?
Ask El Seed, that wasn’t my Brainchild.
You are banished to the Sidekick’s Lounge!
Oh no! It’s the Swiss!
And the Infinity Ball!
Looks like a job for Bi-Polar Bear. . .but I just can’t seem to get out of bed today.
And speaking of bed, it is time for me to crash.
Good night Dilly and remember – “Lets make a difference!”
Do not try and bend the spoon, that’s impossible. Instead only try to realise, the truth…
There is no spoon! Then you will see that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.
You seemed taller and blacker in the movie.
Really…?
Huh. I thought he looked more like a little bald kid.
I only have a 13″ black and white tv and the white isn’t working.
3 words: PLUG IT IN
3 letters: JOBS
“Buddhism boils down to two words:
not always so.”
~ Suzuki Roshi
Other two-word dharmic summarizations:
“Everything changes”
“Nothing happens”
~ HH Karmapa 16
In simple terms
two-stroke devices
in English, insults form.
Exceptions (elusive)
rarely are revealed.
Reversal of put-downs thus
liberates the lowest realms.
i think that j should be a t you t-roll
The Two Signs Cancel Them Selfs out im guessing
first!
first fail
FIRST
you spelled double-A-hole wrong
Right. You got the first “FIRST”-reply to the first “first!” after the first “FIRST”.
This has got to make Lunchbox’ head explode.
which isnt so bad
I Rule.
Well, my hill at least.
This has got to make dunghill beetles’ cephalothoraxes explode.
Do the eyes in his head see the world spinning round?
Here comes the sun, little scarab.
Here comes the sun.
And Khepri* says, “It’s all right.”
____
* “he who has come into being”
*rolls uphill*
4ish. This has fail written all over it.
Reminds me of my staff.
You’re out of order! You’re out of order! The whole trial is out of order!
You can’t handle the actual!
*runs to find an actuary*
*Manhandles machine to actuate.*
:: self-actualizes ::
ShamWow? *proffers*
*self ShamWow!(s)*
What the hell?
I’ve been shammed!
Shamful.
*shakes head sadly*
Then wring it out!
Actually, knowing what’s been done to it, I’d rather burn it.
And make the contigens airborne?
Ack! Don’t chase that dragon.
Sorry DW. Couldn’t resist.
Well…I don’t mind being irresistible!
No one can resist; you’re arresting.^^
Only if he tried to cop a feel.
(SEMICOLON!! *swoons*)
Is it true you were cited for public intoxication when you walked down a busy street?
No…I was just a little punch-drunk. I was blindsided and seeing stars.
If we used duct tape on this four poster bed, would it be a capital offense?
Using a four poster bed for only two posters? A capital idea, not an offense!
…Though the duct tape would be a misdemeanor at most.
So are you going to frisk the suspect?
*holds arms out to the sides*
*gets frisky*
I see you are a bootlegger. Leave them on; everything else is coming off, slowly.
But…what about these?
*dangles handcuffs from fingers*
What’s this, a restraining order?
*click* , *click*
*reads*
“… must stay within several inches …”
*smiles*
*pleases siren*
*confesses*
I have that within which passeth show; These but the trappings and the shams of woe.
Thy rage sham burn thee up, and thou shalt turn
To ashes, ere our blood shall quench that fire.
Must I hold a candle to my sham?
I tend to freebase Dragon.
I’ve heard Dragon likes to be spooned.
*snortk*
I heard she likes PA’s Main Line, cause the ocean is on the right.
*remembers*
Aww…!
*is touched*
Sorry! My hands have a mind of their own, sometimes.
“I figure practice puts brains in your muscles.”
~ Sam Snead
—-
*golf, um, applause*
*prefers:* ChamWow!
It’s delicious, but it gives me a head(rag)ache.
Please don’t squeeze the ChamWow.
Mr Whipple!
If ShamWow begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
ShamWow may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, ShamWow should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration.
Failure to do so relieves the makers of ShamWow, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
Ingredients of ShamWow include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
ShamWow has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Do not taunt ShamWow.
ShamWow comes with a lifetime guarantee.
ShamWow:
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!
Actual LOL!
*worries*
My ShamWows did not come with a special container!
I resemble that remark.
everything reminds you of your “staff”
“Is this an actual pretend working machine?”
~ quote inspired by Audrey, age 4
“a fail pretending working machine in disguise” as it says “try me” we will never know
~ quote from a dumb
I am made of win
Not if you’re a Cowboy Dallas.
He’s just happy ’cause Debbie did him. But that was 31 years ago, he should really stop bringing it up all the time.
I am winsome.
Tove Jansson is Finn-Suomi.
Yeh, but what does that taste like?
I am now made entirely of tin.
Do you tintinnabulate?
Wow, that’s actually a word! *learns something every day*
You must be new. That word has special meaning around here.
Admiral, be nice to the noobs, they have chronic tinnitus and as such can’t hear the so very many things have a special meaning. Consider the humble potato that has fluffy so bewitched.
Take a ^that!
Let’s not forget your wonderful staging.
*nudges*
*grins*
*chimes in bed for the evening*
The four poster? That ap-peals, since all the excitement has taken its toll.
*harmonizes*
When is the Guide to Failblog coming out? Tempting though it is, I don’t really feel like reading through all the past comments.
Ok then. *learns something every day*
I will after I finish this bottle of jenever.
I bet these were delivered by the Reliable Trucks.
WHY ARE THERE VERY FEW COMMENTS ON THIS FAIL
It’s 9 minutes old, dude!
everyone be funny faster… someonerandm’s bored.
That’s a tall order when most of the comments were made by trolls. Where did they all COME from?
Chicago, a large city. One expects to see all kinds of weirdness in a city this size. But some days are weirder than others.
Dude, I LIVE in Chicago! Granted, lots of weird shit happens here on a semi-regular basis, but still!
Dude, that’s a quote from the second post on your blog.
Crap.
*hangs head in shame*
That was a LONG time ago!
You should be proud! Someone just cited your work!
*issues Avis a citation*
I think I actually guffawed.
I think I have a case of perma-blush now.
That’s true! It’s pretty cool that someone bothered to read it. I feel stupid that I didn’t even recognize it as mine! Ah, well.
*is helpless with laughter*
Apparently some days ARE better than others!
*grins sheepishly*
Whoa! Careful with that grin Avis, some of these Trolls could be lonely shepherds
Yikes!
I’m sure there are some gracious and admiring bird-watchers here, too.
Aw, thank you Dragon!
*HUGS*
Maybe they all took the day off? It’s Friday after all…I’ll bet they all played hookey.
Is hookey like a kinky form of hockey?
No, it’s more related to registry…
Without chemistry.
JUDY! Is that you, or have we been invaded by pod-people soccer moms??
Ah! Do you refer to my new duds? Sporty, ain’t I? Jes gettin’ ready for Sunday. BTW, Avis, exactly WHAT kind of bird is your avatar? Certainly not a RAVEN….. *snerk, snerk*
It’s a pattern from a craft store. I don’t think it’s indicative of any particular bird.. I wanted a representation of a bird. Not a photo this time.
It looks like a swallow, actually.
WAIT….wait…! Allow me.
*It’s the spitting image of a swallow, actually!”
*Is that a spitz or a swallow?”…”It’s a duck.”
Oh, it’s definitely indicative of a swallow.
If she got it at 7-11, would it be a Big Gulp?
*sigh* I was trying to avoid the inevitable jokes. But yeah, it is.
Well, I tried to head them off…
*facepalm*
*throaty laugh*
I might as well.
I tried my best not to go there.
Damn!
*goes back to day job*
Hee! I can think of better places for us to be.
*sings*
♬ “Come with me….” ♬
–by the Honeydrippers
♬ “And as I float along this ocean I can feel you like a notion that won’t seem to let me go…” ♬
*looks to the sky…*
They be all owt of sckool erely to selebraight MLK Day and the eminent Imaculation of the Foaty-foath Presdent Barack O. Bama! Prace Jeeshus!
SCHOOL’S CLOSED — there’s racist in the pool.
I can’t tell for sure…he may just be a bigot.
Or an idiot.
Or a cheezburger. Those posts give me a headache with their lolspeak.
LOOK LOOK ME IZ FUNNY!
*BOINC*
LOOOL!
*rofl* AHAHAH Zurack you kill me!
*cradles McFail tightly in his arms*
Cries, “Don’t go to the light, stay with me! Pleeeease! I need you!”
*throws all reachable objects at Zurack*
You, you BASTARD!
I swear, sometimes this place is like a soap opera. A soap opera that has some live action, some animation, and the writers are all hopped up on goof-balls.
yeah? and your point is?
(Oh! Here’s your key to the “SHAMWOW Super Troll Cage”)
Great, now I’M gonna have to be the responsible one?
Better you than me, I can’t seem to stop eating these goof-balls today *hops around*
Anyone else want some?
Yeah…Skwerlly, you bought it from that infomercial, you get to be the Super Troll-Cage keeper. :p
That way he can say he really is the key master!
But I’m just a lil’ harmless skwerl and can’t do it alone!
Perhaps we need a Super Troll-Cage Duty Roster and Assigned Teams?
I hereby Deputize Avis and Retaba as my assistants with full power to deputize others at will.
Oh, we will need more Tasers as well.
Given as I tend to just shred them, are you sure you want me for this job? Ask Norm what clean up is like.
No, no, no, if you make a mess you get it cleaned. Keep one troll alive and force them to clean up.
Oh! Wait! It’s from SHAMWOW! It’s Self-Cleaning! No Worries!!!
I mostly just -stare- at people…
*Holds up mirror*
*giggles*
Way to go, Perseus!
Way of topic here, according to my mothers scale I have lost 35 freaking pounds since I started the diet!! WOO-HOO!!
You lost an F too! Awesome job on both parts.
per Dr. Seus you mean, right?
Woo-Hoo For YOU! Great Job!
What’s the diet? How long?
TOPIC?
Good point. Diet is probably not the right word. I’ve just been better about what I eat. And it’s been several months. The first 20 came off in a snap. The las 15 have been… stubborn. I have 5 or 10 more to go, depending on how I feel when I reach them. I may go for more!
WooHOO!!
*high-fives*
Thank you, thank you!
*takes a bow*
*grins great big ear to ear grin*
Way to go Avis.
Thanks, and sorry for hijacking the thread. I’m over at my mother’s place and well, I couldn’t contain myself.
You inspire me, Avis! Great job. I rode the diet train back about six or so years ago. Did really well. But then menopause hit, and the pounds creeped back . . . . and brought friends along.
One of my goals, once my life/job settles down, is to become a personal trainer. We had a girl at my office in NJ that asked me for help before she got married. 2 months into helping her, I gave up as she gained 10 pounds. She weighed 420+ pounds last I knew. I just found out she is pregnant. So I commend you for making changes in the direction of a healthier life.
I just hope those pounds stay down until it gets warm again and I can continue to walk like a madwoman. Then I can really shed a few more!!
Good for you Avis. You did not let the stubborn ones discourage you and you did it the right way. (No unhealthy gimmicks.)
Damn, Ry, that’s a big woman. That 10 pounds might have been muscle gain, not fat though. Unless there’s some mallomar story we haven’t heard. I refuse to get as big as I was, ever again. I’m determined to get to a size 6. I figure that’ll be another 3 months or so.
She ate what she wanted when I wasn’t around, I found out later. Then she said I was a “food Nazi” and couldn’t eat in front of me because she was afraid I would yell at her. That’s when I washed my hands of it and walked away.
Sorry to put this thread on track again…But i have a supply of special, troll grade, secret service issue tazers riiight here :
*opens coat on side*
You wanna buy? only $999 per tazer…but wait! that’s not all! you’ll get this genuine samurai sword…lemme just check to see if its sharp
*runs hand over blade*
*blood gushes*
AAAAH! somebody get me to a hospital! i’ll give you all the secret service tazers you need! troll grade! for free! just get me to a hospital!
*looks from side to side shiftily*
and there’s a potato in my back pocket, if you want…i’m just putting out there.
Now get me to the hospital!
“the squeaky wheel gets the grease”
PLUS, you have all those nasty lil’ birds at your command.
Thanks Be to the Great Acorn!
MAYBE BECAUSE YOU’RE SHOUTING AT EVERYONE.
People! People! Think about the plushies! They’re trapped in a cage! Oh noes!
Actually they are working.
lol … ronber, stay off your damn hill and you can be funny
Screw the hill, I thought I was first but resisted the urge to tell the failworld. That’s gotta account for something, right? After all that extra second of thinking probably cost me the post crown and jealous admiration of dozens of anonymous pimply youths. It’s always good when people care about something.
BatZorro will free them all!!
Retaba, you’re VERY SCARY today!
*shivers* Oooooo!
*scampers away giggling at “monster” using LOL Cat speak*
What LOL Cat speak? When did I ever do that? I don’t appreciate the implication that I’m stupid!
I’ll catch you, skin you, and roast you for a stew!
No, just go raw…
You’ve just reminded me that 2th gave me a 500W spotlight.
I’m wondering what I should do with it.
I’ll take it! *puts on one-act play about lolcats in space*
*aten … ah, ten … atens*
Oh boy!! This sh*t again!!
“Bye guise! Off to the moon, I guess!”
Is it snowing in space?
Sure is!
In space, no one can hear you burrow.
In space, are you calling me an ass?
In the future, will you take a picture with your face and bring it to me in the past while I remember when I could see your ass as a present.
(You tasty burrito)
*facedesk*
Oh shit! Are you ok? You need to watch that stapler!
*landed on Larousse lexicon*
[has no entry for "pillowy"]
A sham of red biblion will not bolster your landing, silly.
And yet it did. Were babelfish to provide the same, I’m sure it would have been harsh.
You’re harshing my babelfish, dude.
Dilly, baby, you put the taco in my lolcat-a-combo meal.
.
(We’re living the vida lolcat in time AND space.)
For some reason I can’t explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world
(y tu taco también)
Oh noes! Don’t hurt Skwerlly Bob!
You’re alive? Oh, my love, come to me! Let me hold you forever……
*giggles and snuggles in with SB*
” Retaba
January 16th, 2009 at 10:18 am
People! People! Think about the plushies!
They’re trapped in a cage! Oh noes! <<<THERE!!!
It is not LOL Cat speak, it is gamer speech -_- l2game! xD
P.S. No squirrel has been hurt! Yet…
In Xenuland, “working” means “out of order”. Now you know why Anpu and I prefer Zepland. Things actually work in Zepland.
[except your brain]
I suspect a case of GTJ Fail here . . .
Guys, I don’t know if this link works but you need to go the #5!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28680991/?pg=5#Tech_BadTechHabitsToBreak
Would of been nice for me to notice in my haste the ?pg=5# part xD
it’s here, with user comments:
http://graphjam.com/2008/10/28/song-chart-memes-first-in-the-comments/
*reads comments*
…Suddenly I am feeling absurdly grateful for my Failblog home.
Uh, some of those people are HERE!
Only a very few of them, as far as I could see.
YIKES!
Failblog was written up in the paper this week – I wonder if that will attract even more “first”ers
*ponders this*
*crams 9 more Trolls into “SHAMWOW Super Troll Cage”*
*ponders some more*
Hmmm, ya think?
*clears throat* ….(wait for it)…. FRIST!1! I love cages. I’ll have time to read articles about failbloog.
*Tases leadass until his eyes melt*
Try reading now you ugly irritating utter waste of electrons! 
*mixes SB a strong drink* Here, I think you need this today. *mixes herself a strong dring* I love Fridays.
Oh Nice!
*downs drink and six more*
Wanna come back to my nice tree Babe?
I feel nice! Do you feel nice?
*feels McFail* Oooooooo Nice!
Nice! Nice! Nice! *scampers to tree * Come on!
Oh, I just went to your link Mr. Bob.
Thanks for backing me up (or the other way around, w/e).
Y’know, even strong strings weaken after repeated washings.
Not superstrings!
Sillystring.
G-string.
Heartstring.
Drawstring.
So much for string theory.
first-string
Posting without thinking.
*Demonstrates gun safety*
*calls 9-1-…(what was that number again?)*
*Fading in and out*
Number 9 – number 9 – number 9. . .
I can always count on you, Marius, for the Beatles references!
If I’m catching that reference correctly: Genesis, from rumor, recently moved to my town. Have not seen him yet.
Beatles fail, I guess. Throbbing Gristle win, I can only hope.
1 fail – 1 win; No blood, no foul MC.
.
Avis, my wife sends her heartfelt congrats for your success. She know the struggle (WW leader and member)
Hematopoietic returns on all generations!
Awww…. Thank you! Tell your wife thank you too!!
P.S. check my blog for an ongoing dialog betwixt my mother and I.
RE: Avis (my wife)
vs. Avis, my wife [...]
.
will know you all in time.
*taking time*
ROFL!!!!
*Snicker*
*takes time*
apologies where due -
and hematopoietic returns on all accounts.
Relax, it’s ok. No harm, no foul.
*facedesk on pillowy lexicon*
No worries MC, we all still step in it from time to time. It makes good fun for the rest of us when it is not meant maliciously.
.
Avis – I will check your blog out. (Not a very good navigator so it might take some time.)
Really lame fail. Today’s fails suck.
Actual beef is out of order.
The pretzels are a lie, too.
Cake isn’t included, either.
What about pie?
Love some, thanks.
*deletes ‘tells’*
*hands Judy a Popsy*
*sniff* Thanks. I needed that.
It failed because too many people folded their coins.
Rat bastards, now my dog can’t get his chew toy tonight
Try me! Then buy me!
Imitation working machines are my preference, anyhow, so this doesn’t bother me.
NO YOU’RE OUTTA ORDER!
I’d say this is a win. Most don’t work.
Did you miss the out of order sign?
They meant to say “buy me, then try me”?
………you just missed the fail boat…..
I just caught it. Ticket holder, no less.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Seriously guys?
Poor Patrick…He’ll never escape now…
Said denizen can walk through the walls of his own home. I wouldn’t worry about it.
now it’s an out of order machine…
Actual Fail
Oh WOW! A real live comment blog! never been! How do I join???
How about “BOOBIES”????? Nah, too late!
Qwert, I recieved an e-mail that was meant for you, Dzamie wants to know Why you said “rick rolled” on January 16th, 2009 at 8:47 PM.
Who’s Sandi? (you got my E-tention)
For Sandi again, e-mail back?
That is sick!
I can do that too, because I think that is fake?
Well,it’s not really a fail since that’s not what the sign really meant, but it’s certainly ironic.
Font fail.
just testing avatar
Dunno if you know, but I’m pretty sure that gcf=cz…
Really? I hadn’t a clue.
GCF is English though?
Once I checked an older fail in which we changed our names and he his avatars. Now it’s not anymore like that (only a green thingy), but when I remember correctly it was a well-known dark face after I cleared my cache.
its a hipocrit
machine failure?