Bookstore Fail
Submitted by Ian S
WIN Free Stuff from FAIL Blog! — The Oops, Bad News Contest
Hell must have frozen over, ’cause FAIL Blog is giving away stuff for free!
FAIL Blog is giving away 10 copies of Grandma’s Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals by Amanda McCall & Ben Schwartz. The book is a collection of postcards with puppies, kittens, ducklings and more containing messages such as “It’s Syphilis,” “Daddy’s never coming home,” and more.
To enter, post an epic “bad news” comment in this post using a valid email address in the email field.
Comments will be judged by Fail Blog staff and the top ten will receive a copy of the book.
In order to win, you must provide a valid email address (so we can contact you) in the email field. Don’t worry, your email address will not be shared or shown. Contest ends 11:59pm PST Monday, Dec. 15.
I actually looked at the book in the middle in a book store today. Seemed interesting.
Yikes! *crosses Anna off of Christmas party list*
Can I join your Christmas party too? Pleeeease?
as long as you buy her that O.J. book shes been dying to get
Can I come to your Christmas party too? I’ll bring lots of tasty baked goods and promise not to talk about law 0:)
I can bring DiCarlo’s pizza! Extra cheese, anyone?
As long as you are not getting it from the tattoo parlor next door.
Ewwwwwwwwwww!!
Hey Mookster, am I invited to this here Christmas party? I have hand-crafted gifts for everyone, and then the store-bought stuff as back-ups. If this is a date-needing thing, I’m bringing Bob, now labeled as my “friend with benefits”. We benefit. So, everyone, what gifts would you like that can be made with twigs, leaves, tree bark, honey, sugar, maple syrup, and acorns? I personally have a hinged jewelry box made out of string, acorns, twigs, tree bark, and honey.
Hey! What’s wrong with the tattoo parlor!?
I make damn good pizza!! *drops needle in dough mix*
Oh shit… *mixes*
You didn’t see that.
hey they make great pizzas
McFail, you are absolutely not allowed to talk shop to anyone! I don’t want my guests getting a bill the next day!
In soviet russia book reads you!
I have VD. Can I come?
Can I come? I have multiple STI’s. I’m sure the guests will be most entertained.
at least the dog is still alive ( can we keep him)
Happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like Nazis and Psychopaths!
I think I’m going to put that one about psychopaths on my Christmas list this year.
I will give you the cliff notes:
Shut up! , no YOU shut up. I will kill you, no I WILL KILL YOU..ahhhhhhhhhh
*slaps self and falls to the floor*
Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha…
*falls over dead*
Failblog is a good place to study psychopaths! *shifty eyes*
Shifty eyes? Your head can drive stick?
(That sounded so wrong
…)
lol
Did you know that Stephen Colbert shifts with his balls? It’s true!
I like pumpkin
I consider psychopaths to be anyone who doesn’t buy those “Giant Gummy bears On A Stick that are so frequently advertised on this site… (Guilty)
Who me?
That was the only adventure movie whose name made it sound like a
chick flick that I have ever seen.
My boss is from Brooklyn and actually has an Uncle vinny! Arg-g-gh!
Jesus was jewish
/fail
This might be for the skinheads in your family. I mean they have to shop somewhere don’t they?
shiny domes R us?
In the Fortress of Balditude?
Any of those books would make interesting ‘Dirty Santa’ gifts.
As long as it’s not a ‘Dirty Sanchez’
*wipes mouth* Better?
*wipes butt* Much!
that’s hot
I don’t know… I’ve never had a thing for Santa… maybe it’s just me & men in uniforms…
well that’s just tasteless.
I dunno…I think you’d have to ask Mookie how it tasted to know for sure.
*roffle*
Really? Just tasteless? *pouts* I was going for crass.
*grass*
no, you were just going for ass.
great..
and as for bad news: I am sorry, there has been a decision meaning that your organs will be used to help Stephen Hawking live.
Horrifying True-Life Cases… as opposed to Horrifying Photo-Shopped Cases?
credulity fail
Obviously the sale fail picture is photoshopped! The shadows are all wrong!
But your portrait seems pretty clear and shadow free to me on the top left corner of Psychopaths’ book.
Nah, that’s my postman
.
.
.
.
.
hey, wait a second…
Well, there are no shadows at all, so…
As opposed to Horrible License Plates? (sorry)
Dear Mom,
The mailman says he’s my dad, and so did the plumber. Dad (your husband) is in the garage with a hose and the car keys.
Don’t worry, though, this baby duck will make it all better!
Dear son,
Thank you for the duck. I’m off to go play bingo. By the way, your real mother called and wants to meet you. I’ve spoken with the child molestation section of the prison, and they think it would be a fine idea. Your train ticket is laying on the counter.
Dear wife,
.
I am leaving you for your brother. We would like you to be the maid of honor in our civil ceremony.
.
Your loving husband
Dear husband,
I think you cheated on me during the 6 years we were together so I’m not even sure all of these kids are mine. I’ll leave them on your porch tonight. I’m off to start my career as a shovel dancer.
Your dearest wife
Dear wife,
I faked every orgasm.
Your adoring husband.
…then how did I get pregnant 3 times? Were you cheating on me?
mabye…
Does this even make sense?!
Dear husband,
I used that “Is Your Man Gay” ad on failblog and it told me you were. I’m leaving you for the 19 year old kid down the block because he enjoys sex with women. And no, I won’t be your fag hag.
Your wife
Dear wife,
That “19 year old kid” is actually a potato. Just so you know.
Your husband.
Dear potato,
Sure is dark in there, isn’t it?
Your vicar.
You realize your not completely unpotato-like yourself, right?
*you’re* oops, my tattoo is showing.
Dear would-be civil partner,
.
I’m calling off the engagement, I found out I am in love with my sister, your wife. I would also like to let my sister’s “son” know that I am indeed your father. When I worked as the watchman in the child molestation section of the jail, I had taken a liking to both your biological mother, and a trans-gendered with breasts and a mustache. He / She also had a relationship with your mother, so he / she may also be your mother / father. Your twin, who got biologically transferred into a duck, wants to let you know he says “Quack.” I think that means “Quack.” Sister dearest, please return my son, the duck, to me. He doesn’t like you; I can tell by the way he says “Quack.”
.
Your would-have-been-but-now-will-not-be civil partner.
.
PS: Your half-cousin is a skwerl. That applies to all of you.
Dear Ex-husband,
My brother is cheating on you with the adorable dog on this poster. But who could blame him? Look at those eyes!! Also, it appears that kid we adopted when he escaped from the lab that time is catching on. Just follow him around and make sure he doesn’t get near anything magnetic, kay?
*sings* deck the halls with commies and nazis
Gu-la-la-la-la La-la-la-lag!
I lol’d.
come on… clearly fake, those aren’t the books that are supposed to be there.. i miss when that actually used to be an accident.
yeah, for sure, i think Ian S has been busy prior to taking this photo…
I’m sorry there’s been a mixup. Turns out it’s kidneys you have two of, not livers.
Hilarious. Well done.
Your son has HIV. And he got it by using a filthy heroin-needle. At a gay-orgy party.
someone needs a *HUG* I think
Didn’t we break your arms?
This time, cut them off and feed them to the alligator at the bottom of the hill.
I know two guys who needs some huggin’!
*HUG*HUG*!
*ducks*
*throws lit incendiary device at urwrong*
Here, do something with those arms.
I think we have a case of regenerating arms!
*catches the bomb & HUGS it*
*HUGS Zurach for good measure*
I’d really like to meet this “Zurach” guy. He sounds mysterious. Would he be, in any way, distantly related to Zurack?
I believe it’s Zurack’s evil triplet. His evil twin was Zurak.
Hey, MikeyD.. I changed my avatar in your honor, since moomins were discussed earlier today. Clear your browser cache to view.
I’ve got a bad-news-cute-animal card idea.
“e-harmony has matched you to urwrong”
Guess what Avis! With that comment you have just given me permission to *HUG* you again.
*HUGHUGHUGHUGHUGUHGHUGHUGUGHUHGHUGHUGHUGHUHUG*
and
*HUG*
.
.
If all you wanted was “LEAVE ALONE” then you should’ve left me alone, too. It’s the Golden Rule, baby!
Ahem. Is anyone willing to start up the innuendo machine(henceforth now known as “the machine”) yet, and direct it to urwrong (henceforth now know as “the troll”, or “troll”)? because i think that the machine will work well against the troll.
**HUGS**
Hahaha, good one
“Our service did not find you a suitable dead woman as you requested. We hope that the severed donkey head we sent you can satisfy your most immediate needs”
Ahhhahaha, thanks Avis, I needed a good laugh
*HUGS MCFAIL*
Lots of hate going on in here. You guys sure are proving me wrong about this /sarc lol
.
Every ounce of hate just means I needs to give youse guys more *HUGGIN*
*shrugs* *gives bear-hug to urwrong*
Are you ok now, can you stop assaulting everyone else?
*returns McFail’s hug*
Hugging is always the answer
.
Well… *hugging* is optional. I also have some nice *friendly handshakes* available & the occasional *lol.* It’s the happiness that really counts
Umm, well, see the thing is you’re clearly making other people unhappy with your constant *hugs* so perhaps you need to rethink this. You could take a trip to ICHC, I’m quite certain they’ll appreciate your hugs over there.
(Ugh, I’m having trouble with posting again! Sorry if this multiple posts.)
Umm, well, see the thing is you’re clearly making other people unhappy with your constant *hugs* so perhaps you need to rethink this. You could take a trip to ICHC, I’m quite certain they’ll appreciate your hugs over there.
Just trying to spread the love.
.
For all this being a comedic website, there sure is alot of hate going on here in general. It’s like the whole place missed out on some *hugging.* I’m just trying to make up for lost time.
.
*please notice the lack of a HUG in closing, out of friendly respect for McFail’s wishes*
I just checked the ICHC comments, and seriously, what’s going on there?
“Brokley wif cheez soss bedder, aifinkso. Dis obviouslee rebel yung kitteh, goin aginst da norm.”
What?
*shrug*
Don’t ask me.
Btw, I like the new icon.
Obviously, they’re hugging so tightly, they can’t speak.
*lures urwrong into a hug*
*refuses to let him go, thus ceasing
his hugs to other people*
aw, Mike! I *HUG* you too!
Well… just because I’m feeling a bit nice tonight… *HUGS* urwrong.
.
*Suspends HUG, reaches into pocket, and shoots urwrong in the back of the neck*
.
*Watches as urwrong keels to the ground, then shoots him / her in every part of the body 48 times each for good measure*
.
That’s what you get for hugging my friends, you… you… Huggy McHuggerson!
*HUGS*
Your sacrifice shall never be forgotten, Mike.
I did. Apparently I didn’t incapacitate him completely enough.
*Severs spinal cord, leaving urwrong quadrapalegic*
I’m nothing if not thorough.
*HUG*
idiot
Bush ‘08
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (DO NOT WANT)!!
39 days, Scotteh, 39 days.
39 days?
That’s in jail, sucka!
You’re gonna stay with us until we let you go!
Now THAT is epic bad news.
Palin 2012.
Loz wins the bad news competition -.-
If Loz is right, the entire US is going to win the bad news competition.
Is any of you guys going to submit Bush’s bio as a fail?
Are*
I’d shoot you with the Grammar Cannon, except I’m afraid I’d crack your shell.
Argh, i knew there was something wrong… And Loz keeps refusing to correct me!! I think she hates me.
EGG, I refrain from correcting people whose first language isn’t English. But if you WANT me to, I’ll gladly get out the pen!
Me 2016.
You’re all doomed. MUAHAHAHAHA
With a pic of a pit bull puppy?
No, with a picture of a (dead) baby deer!
It’s supposed to be a CUTE animal picture!
Well, it’s one part baby, one part deer, and one part dead! So the baby and deer parts override the dead part, right? Right? That makes it cute!
fail weinerlickerface
Bad news: Daddy wants to be a woman.
WTF??
Change “Daddy” to “Your Father”!
How did they knew?
Most likely from the strange way that mommy’s frilly panties were all stretched in the front, the way her bras smell like Old Spice, and the size 13 red sequined heels that mysteriously appeared in her shoe collection.
Keep screaming until daddy stops!
Great!!
Dads been woman for years…. where have you been?
Santa isn’t coming this year. Because you made baby Jesus cry. And because your father is a worthless sh*tbag. And because mommy’s crack addiction left her hoo-hoo too messed up to buy presents with anymore.
But just look at this recession-forced abandoned puppy I found!
Here’s my attempt:
“The milk in that bottle came from daddy.”
ohmygod.
*supermodel weight-loss action*
so much win.
o.0
Bad news: Failblog staff is also requesting your credit card number, just to make sure that your identity hasn’t been stolen and you are who you say you are.
Bad news: you failed.
Bad news for you: I could care less what you think.
Bad news: If you could care less, that means you DO care to a extent now.
Bad news: I’m headed for the pudding bukkit for the second time today.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, Dragon… I think a certain Admiral has that in store for you already!
But…but the Admiral is gentle and sweet with me. He…he…
Oh, wait a minute.
*gives the Innuendo-3000 a nudge*
*hears something that sounds like a backfire from Lunchbox’s pants*
Aaaah! Much better!
*rereads previous comment*
Hee…! I hope so! *grin*
We’ll be working hard on creaming some honey. The secret to a good result is in how long you slow-churn.
I’ll have the honey dripper ready and waiting for you.
*eavesdrops, eavesdrips*
*ponders to self why i kept reading long after i should have stopped….*
*snork*
The joys of failblog!!
“Sorry mom, I like to have a man doing me hardcore.”
*Picture of a cute baby panda on the background*
You assume she and the neighborhood didn’t already know that.
“Sorry, Mom. I like to have a panda doing me hardcore.”
Bad news: I do not find the potato for the salad. On the bright side, the vicar is here to say grace.
He sure is wriggling awfully strangely in that chair.
well he had to use it to hang the drapes…
Why is _he_ not standing up for abused women? That’s _not_ a whee chair.
making mashed potatoes?
Don’t ask what he used as cream.
lol
Good god. You people are sick! Sick, I tells ya!! (I feel right at home)
Shush Byron, your boss is watching.
*doesn’t ask what he used for cream*
Ah, i can’t resist. What did he use for cream?
*thinks*
Bad news: it seems like your favorite condiment is not very healthy.
In fact, I am not sure if Windex is edible at all.
i lol’d
Your puppies all died.
“The scalpel is still inside you.”
Good news! It’s a suppository!
Or
It’s cancerous. You should’ve worn sunscreen.
Bad News: I killed myself today.
Bad news: We have a videotape of you masturbating. We will send copies to your parents, coworkers and neighbors unless you give us all your mushrooms.
all i have are shiitake mushrooms though…?
*pictures John Belushi from Animal House*
SHITAKE!!!!!!!
Why do they merged the fail with the advertising? Nooo!
Agreed! I was wondering what was going on with all the “bad news” comments, because I couldn’t be bothered to read all the humdrum babble beneath the picture.
Yeah, I thought there was an error and waited quite a while to comment.
(husband to wife): I didn’t mean to give you herpes, but I just didn’t realize your father was infected until it was too late.
My blue screen of bad news
http://www.freeimagehosting.net/image.php?f3cc5b7195.jpg
win!
“Grandma’s on the roof. Oh, and your cat’s dead.”
(After an operation is finished)
Nurse: “Doctor, the sponge seems to be missing.”
“Maybe a joint bank account was not the best idea. It turns out I have a severe gambling problem.”
“I broke your grandfather’s urn while I was cooking. Don’t eat the lasagna. Love, Mom.”
Man saying to his wife: “Remember that one evening when I had that nightmare about being abducted by aliens? Well, I went to the doctor today, and it turns out I’m pregnant.”
Somebody really wants a book for Christmas!!!
0__0 I do. Also, I’m bored and too lazy to be studying for my finals.
Bad News for you Nikki: You Math Final Grade was 17/150, not so good.
Good News for you Nikki: All 7 dweebs on the University Math Team are all virgins and disease free. But I can give you a Passing Grade if they aren’t anymore by 4:30 this afternoon. You can use my office sofa!
“We’re sending you to a convent in Canada. Surprise!”
“You know that convertible you wanted for Christmas? Well I got you a $25 gift certificate for Linens ‘N Things instead!”
“Doctor, how much time do I have left?”
“Well, let’s just say I wouldn’t be buying any underripe bananas if I were you.
Here’s my entry: Hey Failblog regulars, Nikki is back!
*gives Nikki a stern look*
As in, viewing her from the stern of the boat, as she flounders and sinks in the wake, to be chopped to fish food by the propellers?
(After Operation)
Well the surgery to remove your scrotum went well (to kid getting tonsils removed)
Come on. You can clearly see that it’s a staged photo. One book each not quite covering the fact that there are holiday books behind. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off with my camera to hang some women’s clothing in the men’s section at Target.
Agreed.
Agrood.
Agruud.
Agraad.
Agriid
How about simply “I’m pregant & it’s yours”
Or alternatively, “I’m pregnant and it’s not yours”
I can attest that as “bad news” that one is a WIN!!
I am pregnant and it’s not mine.
Or, “I’m pregnant and it’s not yours”.
Well, Lauren, I guess that’s better than being “post”gant!
The book already has “You’re the father.” and “You’re not the father” both.
“I am your father.”
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
I have some good and bad news.
The bad ones: the building is on fire.
The good ones: we sold all the fire extinguishers at an excellent price.
Good, but I find it funnier in reverse order. (good news first)
Good News: Satanism is REAL!
Bad News: Hell exists and we renamed it Alaska
My name is Alaska? Soo….i froze over? *checks niffles* hmmmm
Ok, I give up…WTF is a “niffle”?
Safe to get past a censor.
The censor doesn’t like the word “nipple”???
*looks at above comment*
Hm.
NIPPLE! NIPPLE! NIPPLE! NIPPLE! NIPPLE!
Well, that’s not it.
Ok, good point.
That nipples that theory in the bud.
I had a comment eaten the other day, and the only thing I could think of that might have flagged it was that it had the word Pakistan in it.
*waits*
Well this one showed up, so that’s not it. I think the blogmonster just arbitrarily eats comments from time to time.
And I let it out on another thread…I was hoping it would eat the trolls’ comments.
*sigh*
We’re not that lucky.
man i’m full
*belches*
oh, sorry bout that. so what’s up?
man i’m full.
*belches*
oh, sorry about that. so, what’s up?
…. *confused/stern/wtf look at computer screen…*
so i see what you mean…
Happened to me the other day too.
I believe the 332th comment gets a free duplicate.
332th? Oh my god!!!! Those dang scientists did it again!
First pluto… now this??????
Ok, I give up…WTF is a “moomin”?
iirc, it’s a Finnish cartoon character
lmao…it’s one of those small round…no wait, that’s not it…i have no freakin’ clue
Good news: the fire is over, thank you very much for reaching for the fire extinguisher.
The bad news are that all those snakes that bit you are poisonous.
“You were born a woman.”
“And you are still a woman, so there’s not wrong happening!”
Nothing.*
30 minutes to fix it, but I fixed!
you has the cutest tail when you were born
[Photograph of cute fuzzy bunny]
Dear John: See this cute rabbit? The other one died.
[Yeah, probably no one under 35 gets that one]
I’m 25, and I got it.
I’m 37, and I didn’t get it. Must be early Alzheimer’s.
naw. to young for alzheimers. must be partzheimers.
C’mon. Anyone who’s listened to Aerosmith ought to get it.
I pulled into town in a police car
Your daddy said I took it just a little to far
Youre telling me things but your girlfriend lied
You cant catch me cause the rabbit gone died
Yes it is
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! Partzheimers…. you made my day. =)
what’s minimum age for partzheimers these days?
i’m 4 and i got it.
Well done, Yak.
I’m 18 and I got it. Yeah. I’m THAT awesome.
That’s a win. (for you, NOT John)
I’m 17 and I got it
Bad news: I came.
Good news: In your butt.
Ry, where is your mind??? Oh, I know, in the gutter… I had to look up a bit to see it.
*blink blink smile*
I knew I liked you for a reason!
I thought it was because of that thing I can do with my tongue.
That’s just one of the many reasons
*roflle*
Well, there IS that… I do love the way you roll your R’s.
Oh is THAT what that is. Thank God, I thought I had cancer.
It’s not a tumor!!!
Please don’t fart.
*cute picture of kitten dressed up as doctor*
Holy shit it WAS Lupus!
BEST.
HA-!!! Omg. Win.
Fantastic.
Superb. Simply superb. I love House references — it just so happens to be my very favorite television show in the world. For a very, very long time, I had an enormous crush on both Hugh Laurie, and Jesse Spencer, who play Gregory House, and Robert Chase, respectively. After I became engaged, my oh-so-doubtful aunt asked me, “Are you sure you want to marry him?” and I replied with, “Well, as long as Hugh Laurie and Jesse Spencer don’t propose to me any time soon, I think I’ll be marrying David, Aunt Susan.”
Bad News: Turns out, they aren’t peaceful aliens.
It’s a cookbook.
“To Serve Man” FTW
“(How) To Serve Man (In 5 Easy Steps)”
Twilight Zone references are out of this world!
“In the end, it was not guns or bombs that brought down the aliens, but the most humblest of all gods creatures: the Tyrannosaurus Rex.”
“It’s cancer.”
Dear Citizen: we have been forced to increase your taxes by an 25%, as we need the money to investigate and clean vandalized graffiti walls.
WIN!
Valentine’s day:
“I have always faked it”
and
“Disney’s little Toaster Tub Toys!”
Bad news: In a drunken stupor I mistook your toothbrush for a toilet brush.
5 months ago.
While I had dysentery.
Good news: It removed the stains from under the rim!
Good News: You’re dentist will love you
Your
The first one was right if you follow the previous fail rules!
Oh, you made me to remember Seinfeld
I don’t watch Seinfeld. Did I accidenty their quote?
Not a quote, but in a chapter there was a similar story.
I love Seinfeld series.
There was an episode where Jerry drops his girlfriend’s toothbrush
in the toilet. He gets it out, but she starts using it before he can
warn her of the incident. So then he doesn’t want to kiss her anymore
because her teeth have toilet germs, so I think they probably ended up
breaking up. That’s the entire episode for you. *bows*
That was THE most tolerable Seinfeld episode ever (your version, I mean).
*picture of an aborable little bunny*
This was dinner.
It’s supposed to be BAD news. Bunnies are evil and delicious.
Epic bad news? Well, there was the time when I was little. . . I spent the night at my best friend’s house and had a blast. When my mom picked me up in the morning, we drove for a little while and then pulled into a park. I thought “gee! I great sleepover and now we’re going to a park! Am I getting a surprise??”
Yeah, I got a surprise. My mom told me she and my dad put our two dogs to sleep while I was at the sleepover and I would never see them again.
Thanks mom.
Well, then you just have to wake up them!
tiptoetiptoetiptoetiptoetiptoe.
There you are!
*SQUEEZES the moomin*
*scoooooootches*
tiptoetiptoetiptoetiptoetiptoe.
There both of you are!
*SQUEEZES both moomins*
*scooooooootches*
tiptoetiptoetiptoetiptoetiptoetiptoe.
Oh, two moomins AND a skwerll!
SUPERGIGANTOMEGAMOOMINSQUEEZE!!!
*scoooooooooooootches*
All this scootching is leaving a stain on the carpet.
Good News: No more poop picking
This not good news. (I poops now).
wow it made me laugh and on thing to say HAPPY HANUKWANZMAS!!!!!
Merry Christmahanukwanzakah!
NO WAY. I was just made the bad guy last weekend by my daughter’s friend’s mother, who sent her over to spend the night after thier dog ate a paper clip. Yeaaah, so now instead of being mad at mommy dearest, she tells her other friends that it’s my fault her dog died *wtf kind of reasoning is that?*, and mom won’t tell her it was all part of her communist plot against me and the dog
Bah. I learned the Easter Bunny was dead when we lived in Alabama. My father said that wasn’t red clay on the front of our van.
Who knew that old guy crying about the library closing was an actual psycho..
“well i grew up here, i live HEREEEE, I JUST CANT BELIEVE THEY’RE GONNA TEAR THIS DAMN PLACE DOWNNN”
Good News: ♪Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire ♪
Yeah, it IS kinda warm in here…
The company is working hard to make this the best working environment possible. Because of this, we are making many improvements to the work area such as new coffee stations and a medical office where we will hire a nurse practitioner and pharmacist to assist you with your medical needs while you are at work. We are doing this because we care about our employees, we care about you.
(inside)
To pay for this, you’re fired.
At least they’ll name the disease after you.
Hehe stolen from Steve Martin.
We just heard back from your doctor
The time you have left? Not a lot.
So I guess my thing with your wife is O.K –
All the guys are right — She’s really HOT!!!
your wife is hot too
“President Bush has been re-elected.”
That should’ve beeen on the Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals card
^
|__ Greates comment EVER!
.
My comment is bigger, I won!
But Nikki’s penis is bigger so you lose.
Do you want to check it, just to be sure?
*gets tweezers and magnifying glass*
Do you have i.d. to prove you are over 18 and tall enough to ride this ride?
I don’t know a good answer, you won.
..
…
….
…..
……
…….
_M_
(.’_’.)
❤☺☻♥♡♩♪♫♬℞℠⅓⅔⅛⅜⅝⅞☺⍧⍬⌀℉℞℠⅓⅔⅕⅖⅗⅘⅙⅚⅛⅜⅝⅞⅟⇪⇑
Damn Skwerlls, can’t follow patterns for anything. That was an SAT sequence, Bob, you were supposed to predict what was next……..
I can’t find any of those keys on my keyboard.
They’re underneath, flip it over and push the CTRL+ALT+DEL all at the same time.
Ô.Ô (looks under keyboard for ½ second)
(taps on CTRL+ALT+DEL)
(Shoots Skwerlly Bob)
…. make me close my browser….
Korina’s comment made me speechless too.
My favorite one says “God Isn’t Real!”
In FAIL we trust.
Johnny’s back from the front, but he’s a sensory deprived torso.
But did he get his gun?
Godot was supposed to bring it by, we’re still waiting.
Ooooh! “Johnny got his Gun” reference! Bravo! One of my favorite, utterly depressing books.
I hereby find you guilty of having the same name as a Suspected Terrorist, and sentence you to ten years in a cell with O.J. and Mike Tyson at Guantanamo. On the bright side, the Emergency-Powers 2024 Bush/Cheney/Palin Triumvirate has benevolently given you the option to choose to serve your time in Iraq as a minesweeper.
Bad news: You were adopted and your wife is your sister
Bad news: your husband is your long-lost brother.
…and also your long-lost father
Being originally from Kentucky, I fail to see the humor in this. But y’all got pretty mouths!
Obviously, you’re NOT from Kentucky, or you’d know it’s spelled “Purdy”.
Bad news Oedipus, you killed your dad and married your mom who has now killed herself.
But look, she left you these pretty brooches.
I have bad news for you, son.
I ate your hero. But I have to say that it was the tastiest steak I ate in months.
ahahahah
You ate Gandhi? *frowns*
Civil disobedience and nonviolence? *profound*
Anti-war AND pro-military? *unsound*
(I know, it’s possible, but it sounds bad, and I couldn’t think of anything else)
Just kidding: John McCain wins.
O LAWD.
Good news is, you’ll get a brand new bike for christmas. Bad news is you’ll never get to use it, since you have cancer.
i’ve read tons of comments and this is the only one that made me laugh. thank you.
My friends grandfather died and our church youth group leader asked her if she wanted a cookie.
Myfriend: (sniff sniff) My grandpa just died….
Youthleader: Would you like a cookie? (holding out plate of cookies.)
Sympathy Fail
Epic Bad News delivered by cute animal:
Chimp dressed up in schoolgirl outfit…
“Uh-oh! Your wife found out why you REALLY went to Thailand.”
WOAH. I want to meet the guy in the picture, ’cause that party looks interesting!
based on a true story (a friend’s, not mine): epic sensitivity FAIL
sorry to hear that your mom died today. but i’m still dumping you.
Almost as good as when the medics called my friend’s husband to tell him that she had been in an accident, and they needed his permission to put her under and amputate her leg to get her out of the car, and his underage girlfriend answered the phone…..yeaaah. Worst day ever, maybe?
There is no cure.
“I was born a man” (best given from *recent* female to male companion)
ONCE UPON A TIME A MAN WAS HUNTING IN THE WOODS. HE WAS ABOUT TO SHOOT A YOUNG DEER WHEN IT LOOKED INTO HIS EYES AND SAID, “DO NOT SHOOT ME, SO THAT ONE DAY I MAY GROW UP AND HAVE CHILDREN OF MY OWN. IN THAT WAY, YOU WILL HAVE MORE FOOD IN THE FUTURE.”
–
THE HUNTER REASONED THAT THIS WAS RIGHT, AND AS HE DROPPED HIS GUN IN EMPATHY, A WOLF JUMPED ON HIS BACK AND ATE HIM.
–
–
–
Bad news! If you don’t forward this comment to 10 people on your address book in the next 15 minutes, you will be under a terrible curse!!! And you well get herpes and pregnant! Even though you’re a man! And if you aren’t a man, you will turn into a man! And everyone you love will eat a puppy!
Sooo…you mean that pregnant man in Oregon that also has herpes and made a puppy dinner on Thanksgiving was a result of not forwarding this?!
*forwards to everyone*
A hunter was toting his gun in the woods one day looking for something to shoot. Suddenly, a bear jumps out from behind the bushes. The hunter, being a born-again, dropped to his knees and prayed:
“Lord, please let this bear find RELIGION!”
A lightning bolt shot from the sky and hit the bear. The bear blinked, and looked down at the hunter. Then the bear drops to _his_ knees, and prays:
“Thank you Lord, for the food I am about to receive …”
Great news! A Nigerian prince is going to deposit millions into our bank account!!!
When did we get a joint bank account? You didn’t hear about my chronic gambling problem???
“We kept the wrong twin (You)”
Bad news: Your 3″ penis is well below average.
Good news: The doctor sexed you incorrectly at birth and that is a clitoris.
For the longest time I thought mine was a gummi bear of some sort.
Now they call me, “Daisy.”
Speaking of gummy bears. Is that someone’s gummy bear poking you in the eye?
Speaking of poking , [censored]
You’d better pay for that!
We’re serious! :[
*blank stare*
Poking-the-Pie previous fail.
What’s wrong with women!
I would love to be poked by a woman! (For free!)
Okay then…don’t blink, I want my aim to be right…
Do you already poked?
That’s an evil child-beast grabbing my nose.
She didn’t look so evil with Sharpie all over her… something has changed?
That was a different evil spawn.
It’s an evil child-spawn grabbing my nose.
That’s an evil child-spawn grabbing my nose.
That seems to be a recurring problem for you dave.
That’s an evil child-spawn grabbing my…
Hey, you’re right!!!!
Me<————FAIL
Entry: Do you remember that Rash?
Good news / not so good news:
“No need to amputate… it will fall off on its own”
“The robber also took our *personal* Polaroids”
Bad news…it’s NOT butter.
Gotta Love Fail Blog…
some people just like to know things.
Bad news: “Honey, science has made great strides in the area of sex reassignment surgery…”
Bad News: The cake is a lie
The cake is not a lie!
Hey, it doesn’t say ‘Happy Hannukah’
…and who the heck reads these?!
When Mommy said that Daddy was a truck driver, you assumed he delivered furniture. It turns out he drove a truck full of explosives into a foreign nation’s embassy. Daddy said the oil crisis is your fault.
There is a large grey area in humor, where ‘acceptable’ and ‘going to hell for this’ meet. You are waaaayyyy over there………….
“We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato”
“You have about 3 seconds to live.”
…
By the way, did we tell you where the potato came from?
Gives an interesting twist to organ donation.
I’m sorry to say your x-ray has revealed you have a sizeable tuber, but it’s not cancerous.
*potatoe-hearrt explodes*
NOOO!! This never gets any easier!
*walks away whistling happily*
“Thank god! It’s only VD”
This made me laugh, because I may be the only person in the history of the world who has actually said the words, “Goddammit. I don’t have gonorrhea.”
Seriously. When the docs were trying to figure out what was wrong with me, they narrowed it down to two things…rheumatoid arthritis, or gonorrhea. And believe me, I would MUCH rather have had to admit that my rotten ex-boyfriend had given me the clap than that I had a debilitating, incurable disease, so when
the test came back negative, I almost cried.
*goofy grin*
“Sorry to hear you don’t have a STD”
Hee…!
*looks for silver lining*
I guess you could have had both.
Aw.
*smooch*
You’re very sweet, but really, I don’t need a silver lining. I know how lucky I am, and no pesky little debilitating disease is going to change that.
Very sad to hear that Dragon. I am also very glad to hear you will not let it run your life.
Nope. It’s a big, bad disease.
But I’m bigger and badder.
*grin!*
*gives sympathetic hug* *and a cookie!*
OoooOOooo! Cookie!
*nom nom nom*
*Gives Dragon a chocolate cake*
I can almost understand where you’re coming from. My sister-in-law has that, and she had to take steroids (medically prescribed) to ease the pain, which was still there. We’re all so glad she’s pregnant again, not only because they wished for that, but also because pregnancy is the only time when the RA lets up! It was tough seeing her in pain, but when she was pregnant, she was probably the happiest person in the world.
Dragon, I sincerely say: I wish you had an STD. Does that make it better?
I have good and bad news. The good news is that Santa is real and he’s coming. The back news is that it’s on your face.
“Sorry to hear you lost a testicle”
Your new native American name is Johnny One Nut.
Johnson Half-a-man.
Jonah Half-ball-busted
Manny Orchid.
Your dead husband? He’s been cheating on you.
Oh, and you may want to get tested. Like immediately.
She’s faking it.
Your mine!
omg 500+ posts and nothing about cramming potatos in various places!!!!!!111eleven
You seemed to have missed some of the previous posts…
Bad News: The child you sponsor just raped your daughter and bombed your embassy. *they grow up so fast
*
“the test came back positive.”
Epic Bad News: “I saw your picture on Failblog.org”
What’s the appropriate animal for ‘you’re fired, get your shit’?
A dragon?
Hmm…nope, no. It just isn’t working for me.
A baby vulture, waiting to steal all your cool office equipment and supplies.
I like that. Maybe five or six of them perched around the rim of a rat hole divider looking in on your supplies.
?
Where does this belong?
At the end of a question?
Bad News – This puppy was slaughtered right after this picture was taken to make that bologna sandwich you’re eating.
How about this….Your dog poops in my yard……
Bad news:
“I totaled your car”
“You’ve been evicted.”
“I lost the baby.”
“Our new neighborhood has no broadband.”
“Remember how we used to have a puppy?”
“Jennie dear, I was cleaning your room and found this fantastic back massager under your bed. I gave it to your little sister to help with her teething, I hope that’s ok.”
sniff sniff
smells like your lightsaber…
She was a man
[picture of adorable puppies]
Bad news: A puppy dies every time you masturbate.
Worse news: PETA has your address
Protection Entering The Anus?
Property of Every Toothless Auntie
Puts Every Tuber in Anus
Please Explain The Avatars. . . . .
*taps foot*
I think some people are breezin’ for a squeezin’.
(Protuberances Essentially Transform Aubergines?)
Ummm…. wait, I can explain, really!!! See, we had this discussion about what the $(%* are moomins, somewhere up there^^^… and I made mine into this hoping you’d show up, you know, while I was still here to explain it… but you didn’t, and now you’re here, and you’re doing that foot-tapping thing and it’s making me nervous, and and and…
*runs away*
*SQUEEZES THE MOOMIN*
Muahahahahaha.
Dragon’s right.
I could get addicted to this.
Heeheeheeheehee.
Heeeeeeeeeee…!
People Eating Tasty Animals
“Every time you masturbate, Abraham Lincoln kills a kitten.”
Worst true break-up story ever:
A man who works at the WTC is spending the night with a woman… who is not his wife. His wife calls that morning, concerned, and asks “where are you?”
The man, who has not been watching the news that morning (9/11) replies “At the office. Why?”
Bad news: You’ll die a virgin.
George W. Bush has been re-elected.
George H.W. Bush has been re-elected.
Bad News: You’re not the father.
Worse news: And she’s not the mother!
Even Worse News: It’s only 1/2 human
Bad News: My boss has started reading the Failblog comments… and the times they were posted.
Good News: Your real name is Byron Standerfill and he will never recognize you as scotteh.
Yay!!! This is the best christmas ever!
Worse News: My husband has started reading the Failblog comments… (needs no explanation).
Great Scott!!!!!
(Im watching BTTF)
OMFG now you gotta start be pristine and less “silly”
The good news is, the surgery went well and you are going to live. The bad news; you were the one that came in for the check up on your pregnancy, not the hysterectomy, right?
Sorry I lied…I used to be a guy. Thanks for the sex though, and enjoy this photo of an adorable kitten; it’s the pussy I promised you but failed to deliver last night!
(just after orgasm) Honey, bad news. I have AIDS. This has GOTTA be THE worst news post ever.
Bad News:
Those weren’t really edible mushrooms.
I got tested too,ONLY you have it!
My mom told me what you two did last weekend.
Everyone knows you’re gay.
Bad News: “She miscarried”
Worse News : “You were miscarried.”
More Feel-good books from the bookstore. Yes, read these books and feel more good about yourself, as the persons in these books are likely to have more worse lives than you (if this, however, is not the case, contact the suicide hotline at 0800-signupforthearmy (unless you get achmed the dead terrorist on the phone, then you need to call back later due to certain intentions of this person))!
Enjoy the nazis, and Happy Holidays!
i cut your brake lines..but dont worry i fixed them
…i think…
i also forgot to put the brake and steering fluid back in too.
Bad news: “That wasn’t a woman.”
Bad-new-cute-animal card idea: “Please Don’t Reproduce”
News!! NewS!!!
It’s ok, Avis.
We forgive you your misspellings *HUG*
Avis, that’s the best one so far today!
Why thank you, kind sir!
BAD NEWS: Dick Cheney has a gun permit.
Congrats! You survived an abortion!
Sorry kids, your kitten climbed in bed with us and I rolled over and smothered it.
Grandma may be dead, but FAIL blog is alive and kicking!!!
The auto industry is being bailed out, Australia and the UK are censoring the internet, and from now on three accusations from the entertainment industry will cause you to be banned from the internet… The scary part is that one of these is currently true and the other two are very close to becoming true…
Fabulous story- a friend and I bought this book at a bookstore after being accosted by a Bulgarian woman. We got lost and tried to turn around in her driveway, and she blocked us in and told us we were trespassing and that she would arrest us. We’d even seen her coming outside, rolled down the windows, and apologized.
So we were freaked out. But we bought the book and sent her the syphillis duck card, no return address. No idea as to if she’s gotten it yet.
Here’s my entry.
“You have AIDS.”
Insert picture of cute monkey making “oops” face.
the punishment will be cruel and unusual….
Trapped for eternity in a room … WITH A MOOSE!
something for the emo on every person’s list. XD
“The clinic called and identified mom’s sperm donor … now you’ll finally know your real father … let’s see … grandpa???”
Bad news: Your blind date is a registered sex offender.
That cake you’re eating has poison in it.
Sorry.
You have exactly 4 seconds to live.
Bad news: the shopkeeper did not care about the severed donkey’s head you sent him.
Worse news: your godfather do cares about it. Donkey was theirs.
*his
There’s been a recount. McCain really won
Congratulations.
It’s a Hermaphrodite!
Well, that explains the 3 eyes, but the tusk have me baffled!
Santa’s not coming this year (picture of santa in jail)
Looks like this year he’s going to get his sack stuffed instead
While in town with my new wife for Thanksgiving, I decided to call and say “Hi” to an old ex-girlfriend who I haven’t talked to in over 6 years. A young boy answers the phone. I tell him my name and ask to speak to his Mom. In the background I hear him asking,: “Who is that Mom?”, and she answers, “It’s your father!”
The bad news:
“Dear Husband. I’m sorry you have herpes, and I don’t.”
Bad News: “The Amber Alert showed a picture of your van.”
Worse news: Your newly adopted son is on the back of my milk carton.
No that wasn’t apple juice! You see…I went on this really long road trip last week…
“It’s not a baby, it’s cancer”
“But the pregnancy test… it was positive!”
“It’s a baby MADE of cancer”
That is so reminiscent of Cyanide and Happiness.
Your a great brother for giving me one of your kidneys!
Now I have three and you have one-HA!
Bad News with cute animals….how appropriate!
You’re being circumcised by an epileptic. Good luck!
Amendment: The Moil has epilepsy.
*hopes that Moil is spelled correctly, spellchecker didn’t flag it, but still…*
Worse news: This is the kind of mohel that likes to suck the blood from the wound.
(google it, and get a puke bucket ready)
Ew, ew, ew, ew! Google not needed. Puke bucket is always ready when here, you never know what people will post.
Christ on a cracker, scotteh! I didn’t need to read that…. *plots sweet, disgusting revenge*
Im pretty sure the kick in the sack from the other day was enough revenge for a long time!!!!!
Also, can you imagine if they put it on a cracker??? I mean, what do they do with that piece anyway???
Ok. Too far? Mwahahaha!!
Ick. Just ick.
*insert anecdote heard from Multicultural Studies prof about HIV-infected
Mohel who infected multiple innocent boys*
I’m here to tell you about our lord and saviour Jesus Christ
Look everyone!!!! It’s son of EGG!
What the…? Death to the usurper!
What are you gonna do…crucify him?
He looks a little nuts to me.
The good news is, the conformation for your trip to Moscow was in the mail today. The bad news is, when you masturbate in Soviet Russia, the kittens will kill you.
Dammit, I meant to type confirmation…
That’s okay. It wasn’t funny, anyway.
Woman: “I hate my life!”
Edward: “It’s OK. I hate your life too.”
Bad news: “Congratulations! It’s a tumor!”
“It’s inoperable.”
“I Can Haz Cheezburger and it’s affiliate websites are shutting down forever.”
Just to clarify, this is supposed to be three separate entries.
For our dear quadruple amputee:
See this puppy?
It has four limbs.
Sorry to hear
Tomorrow you won’t.
Good News:
Mr. Derty, we’re glad to see that you’re finally awake and want to let you know that you’ve met your $1200 Medical Deductible and the entire Surgery and your 14 week stay here in our Extensive Care Wing has been covered in full by your Medical Insurance!
Bad News:
Since your accident, your company has gone under, as has the US Economy, your wife was convicted and is in jail for molesting her entire Pre-K Class, your daughter, after burning your house down when it was repossessed, has run away and joined a Peruvian Guerrilla Terrorist Underground Militia and your 58 year old crackhead sister has left you custody of her newborn twin girls after she died in childbirth.
Now, now, please don’t try to stand up. You can’t! We had to amputate everything below your ribcage and most of your bodily functions are being taken care of by the prototype Bionic machinery made by GM before Congress ruined them. You’ll have to stay close to an electric outlet and eat strained spinach or beets only. One of the engineers that designed it will show you more when his Burger King shift ends. We’d love to let you stay longer, but within the Guidelines of Obama’s Government Health Plan you’ve used up all of your Lifetime Benefits. You may keep the wheelchair and here’s a pack of diapers and formula with our compliments.
Have a Great Day! The Guard will show you and your Nieces out.
Bad News Card:
Your Family Tree is a straight line.
The Good News:
It’s never too late to branch out!
Bad news entry:
Happy Valentines day!
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
I have Chlamydia,
And now, so do you.
With love,
Your (apparantly) positive Husband.
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Or so I’ve been told
because I’m blind
so so much <3
Bad news: Creed is coming to town! Worst band in the world according to Google.
That is a really bad display.
Also, the book giveaway is awesome and I totally want one.
Bad news entry:
You were adopted! [but we meant to pick the baby next to you]
Revision Bad News Entry:
You were adopted! [but we meant to pick the really cute baby next to you, but since you had been dropped twice on your head you were $75.00 cheaper and we really wanted to try the nice restaurant down from the orphanage].
Bad News:
Dear Former Gov. Rod Blagojevich;
You were adopted. The hooker you cheated 120 times on your wife with is your real Mom. She’s got all possible STD’s including AIDS and is pregnant with your child, (1/2 sister-daughter), who will be born with crack baby syndrome. We tried to call 237 times and tell you this rather than writing, but every time we called your home your wife’s boyfriends kept answering the phone. The FBI has had your home bedroom and secret hotel room bugged for the last 3 years and all of the sex tapes were accidentally released to the press with closed captioning. We here at the Illinois Attorney General’s Office are quite sorry that we indited you, had you impeached and disbarred and ruined your life before we decided we had insufficient evidence to convict you. Your children seem to be recovering nicely from being involved in several child porn and snuff films your father-in-law produced and sold worldwide. The pieces of all your computers are in the box along with a list of all of your former friends and employees that ratted you out. Please use the $25 Starbucks Gift Card after your Doctor releases you from the hospital. Special Agent Nasterfle has been reprimanded for shooting you in the hand while you were only trying to take a piss.
Have a Nice Day!
Mommy’s wanted in four states.
Your wife is banging the mailman.
Condolences, your dad has AIDS
Bad News – Sorry, he’s not your son.
Bad News: Your wife is my new boyfriend
Or
Your new girlfriend is my ex-boyfriend
Something along those lines
Those leftovers that the waiter bagged for you weren’t yours.
[I got the "It's syphilis" card in the mail last night and it was great.]
Good News!!!! You’re going to be the first teacher in space, Mrs McAuliffe!!!
Bad news: “We gave your cat away while you were taking your Finals.” (My parents to me when I came home for Christmas and couldn’t find my kitty.
my grandma did the same thing! she said my cousin came over and thought it was really cute, and decided that they wanted it more than me. :’(
Bad News: At least now you don’t have to explain to the other children why you have two mommies! We are getting a divorce.
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/fruitrollupfactory.png !!!!!
=O
Bad news: this postcard is printed on recycled paper.
I almost forgot the bad news! You have 15 days to live.
Good news! It’s a suppository.
I am the father.
Or maybe even “You are the father.” Depends on what way you look at it.
Or “I’m pregnant.”
i know the authors father.
Congratulations on winning our 38 million dollar Jackpot!
However, I regret to inform you that, per our investigation, we found out that your son, Jim, who was working abroad dated Rodney Jefferson from 2003 to 2005. This man happens to be the son of the executive vice-president’s secretary here at State Lotto inc. As such, this invalidates you from any lottery based gains. We’re currently investigating whether to press charges of fraud against you.
Also, your car has just been impounded for being parked in front of a fire hydrant. Lastly, please accept our deepest condolences for the death of your son Jim who was last seen taking a letter addressed to you to a pipebomb-rigged mailbox, as can be seen in this series of 50 panoramic pictures. As you can see, a goat ate the letter along with your son’s remaining finger nails.
Alrighty then, have a nice day and thanks for trusting State Lotto for all of your gambling recreational fun!
Bad News: I lied about being a virgin.
This card is being used to distract you whilst your penis is removed with a pair of garden sheers. Look at the pretty pictures.
Bad News: Yes I’m “in yet!”
Bad News: I’m only Halfway Inn
Yeaaaahhhhh, I was totally wrong with that “one track mind” comment.
Yup. Wayyyyyy off.
I’m using anaglyph glasses right now, I’m so cool.
You spelled Analgland wrong. Are those the ones that make everyone look like assholes?
From all of us: Congratulations on your poodle surviving the hostage situation. Deepest sympathy about your baby.
[on front of card]
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Heart attack.
WHO HAD A HEART ATTACK??
[open the card]
Your mum. But orange you glad I didn’t say cancer?
Good news: The cake is not a lie.
Bad news: It’s a cow cake.
shouldn’t that be “pie”?
mmmmm…. moon pie *drools*
Bad news: The Mohel sneezed.
*snork*
BAD NEWS: “so i found the guy your wife cheated on you with, her name is Lexi…”
Bad News Contest Entry:
Good News: They’re going to name a disease after you!
I wanna win
Yet you continue to fail.
wow. epic fail. I want my free book now.
Bad news #1: You lost the game.
Bad news #2: Jesus died.
Bad news #3: Rule 34 applies.
bad news: Sorry about biting you, I don’t know wh………BRAAAAAAAAAIIINSSSS!!!!
That stripper you slept with yesterday was my daughter.
Card idea : The vasectomy didn’t work.
True story: The mayor of a suburb of Miami (Opa Locka) had a vasectomy. A few years later, he was involved in a scandal where his wife was pregnant with twins and the entire city was saying she cheated on him. Come to find out, the vasectomy wasn’t permanent and he was the father.
That was GOOD news then! Still funny.
Why the hell did the mayor announce to the entire city he was having a vasectomy in the first place? Gawd, talk about TMI…
He loves a good ribbon cutting ceremony.
Ooh, I wonder if they used those oversized scissors…
*cringes*
All I can say is, frozen peas and carrots were my friend for three days. And when they tell you not to get off the couch for two days, even if you feel fine, LISTEN. Otherwise you end up with grapefruits between your legs, and a whole lot of pain.
OK, now I’m cringing!
*faints*
I almost did… I had a little-league game to coach. Silly me.
Ah, that explains it. I totally understand. Can’t let the team down!
Oh God! Ouch! Righteous of you to sacrifice for the team. Did anyone keep asking the ump for the count every pitch? You know, just to keep your mind on the game.
The funny (not) thing is, it didn’t hurt at the time. I was fine right up until the end of the game… then I wanted nothing but to dive into a giant vat of ice and morphine. Well, at least I can be certain I will NEVER do that again!!!
Bad News: She was a he.
Epic bad news: Woops. We meant to amputate your other left leg.
Bad News: There is no God.
(Man to woman) When I asked you to marry me I thought you were your sister.
Your family’s coming from China!
All 2,354,756 of them!
A picture of Lactose-Intolerant Dachshund with the tagline
This is as good as it gets.
AAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!
*incinerates Mikey’s bad news fail with one emphatic *FOOOOM!!**
And look. Not a mark on you.
*SQUEEZE!*
I fail because I own that psychopath book. ;_;
She’s got a new man.
What’s his name?
Joanne.
**giggles and runs off before the ghost of the author of that song comes to get me**
((points to any losers who get it))
RENT?
“The tigers really have a taste for tourists….too bad your brother was one of them…”
All my friends are dead. I replaced them with pylons.
*jumps on Ross*
PILE ON!
Dogpile on the rabbit!!
Bad news: Your mother rear ended an arms dealer a suitcase nuke in his trunk. It detonated , killing your friends and family, destroying your home town, and triggering World War Three. Sorry for your loss. Isn’t this kitten precious?!?!
Card idea: You know that nightmare where you’re naked in front of your whole school? This time you’re not asleep.
the only fail in that picture is how big a fail that setup is you an tell that the books stacked behind each of those are different to the front ones next time try put in a bigger effort or actualy get something real.
Bad news: That wasn’t mayonnaise.
Bad News…. you didn’t win the contest.
But I did.
Bad News Submission: Your son is gay.
Epic bad news? :
Dude, I’m so sorry..Your wife has AIDS. I swear, I didn’t know I had it when I fucked her.
Yay!
Bad news: This puppy died because you wouldn’t feed him.
Good news: But at least that means we get to eat tonight!
I’m sorry about the STD. Call your sister to talk about it, I gave it to her too.
“Congratulations! You have Anthrax!”
BAD NEWS
it’s a fishbaby
Your mommy’s a Daddy.
Hm, isn’t that Dylan Klebold in the top left portrait? On the Psychopaths book cover?
Makes me think of some bad news.
“I’m afraid YOUR son just killed his classmates.”
“You were born with both male and female genitalia.”
so you finally figured your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others…
“I didn’t know you were my sister. “
Here’s a fun fact! You just made out with your sister!
The more you know!
Dear My Darling Robert,
I have been sleeping with your twin brother, Steve. Your twins I know, Your practically the same person. In fact i couldn’t tell he wasn’t you until he took his pants off. There is a bib, big difference between you two there. Thats why I am writing you this to inform you I am leaving you to travel with him to Amsterdam. He says it’s nice. I will finally get to meet your mother! I know how important to you that is. I hope you’re not allergic to bunnies. Steve said they are your favorite. Ok i must go, my clothes won’t put in themselves.
By Robert,
Lola
Bad News: They found an obstruction during my colonoscopy.
Good News: Turns out Charlie the Hamster never did run away.
I lol’d.
Your entire family was killed when your private jet piloted by your fiance crashed into your uninsured mansion. Also, you have incurable cancer.
As the anaesthetist placed the mask on my face, the last sound I heard was my severed penis hitting the garbage can.
I want to win.
Bad news: the rate of STD is due to double by 2010.
Worse news: You have nothing to worry about.
“Joe? We need to talk. The thing is, you are imaginary, and I just can’t believe in you anymore.”
You have 4 seconds until you find the secret to immortality.
You die in 3.
You’r dog died, and you know we don’t waste in this house, so that soup you’re eating…
Good news-there is no draft!
Bad news-They made you an exception.
Sorry, we say you masturbate son.
P.S. you have a very small penis…
err, we “saw”
sorry, hehe had a grammar fail by myself ^_^;;
“To my girlfriend: I was only dating you to get with your brother”
bad news: http://www.failblog.org just crashed.
Good news! You’ve contracted a rare virus which will make you nearly indestructable for the next 70 years! Oh..and you’ll also suffer from constant nausea and random violent bowel movements…
pfft, i’d just commit… oh wait…
you have a week to live (hope the mail was on time)
EPIC FAIL.
your pee is ammonia.
Its terminal. What color flowers would you like on your casket?
Mickey Mouse isn’t real. There’s a man under that suit of lies.
Thousands of children happy balloons: *pop*
Bad news: Hi by the time your reading this I’m alreadly dead, I always loved you no matter what- Love Mom
Epic bad news: A crazed looking woman comes into your place of work and screams “I’m pregnant, you’re the father, and I’m gonna kill all three of us!”
R.I.P. George Carlin.
[Picture of a walrus]
The baby fat isn’t going to go away.
Bad news: Yes, we do love your sister more than you
Heil Holidays!
Bad news, I’m so broke I’m making a halfhearted attempt to win this as a Christmas gift.
Bad news – you have 48 hours to live.
Worse news – I was supposed to tell you yesterday.
I’ve just introduced your wife to your girlfriend.
And they like each other better than you.
Happy 18th Birthday!
P.S. – Your adopted.
that wasn’t chicken
Bad News: 2Girls 1Cup is a mandatory viewing for the collage class you are taking.
Put away the shrimp honey-this Christmas…
I’m comin’ home with the crabs!
you don’t have aids. however, you do have hpv, chlymadia, hiv, and you’re pregnant.
*picture of a cutesy-wutesy little ginger kitten*
We regret to say you’ve given birth to Mick Hucknall.
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, they all tried to hide, not a person was living, from the muder-muder-suicide.
Dearest Wife,
The state of our finances is really quite shitty. To cheer yourself up, enjoy this cute kitty.
Bad news: That’s no moon.
ITS A TRAP!
Your maid of honor gives better head.
Bad news from your insurance company:
“What light through yonder window breaks?”
…It’s a burglar and your insurance just lapsed! You are ere now denied.
Bad news from the insurance investigator:
Over hill, over dale,
Thorough bash, thorough brier,
Over park, over pale,
Thorough flood, thorough fire,
I do wander every where,
Denying claims without care;
And I serve the gecko green,
Your dues, absorbed, are overseen.
What fools these appraisers be!
Grandma’s dead, so here’s a cute puppy to make you feel better! Of course, it’ll die in about ten years, then after a while, you’ll grow up and enter the real world, get depressed, never pay off a crushing debt, and lose all faith in humankind. Well, you better scoot – you’ll be late for your bus.
Bad News:
“I may have made some questionable investments in recent months.”
bad news honey, you probably have AIDS, I got it from my boyfriend
“You’re adopted.” For some reason, I feel like this one is already in the book, so as a back-up entry:
“We lost your insulin.”
That thing? Yeah, that’s not a third testicle.
You haven’t your period in a while because I knocked you up while you were drunk on Saturday
*cute puppy*
You wouldn’t adopt me, so I’ve been euthanized. Happy Holidays!
If you’d waited two more minutes before pulling the plug, she would’ve woken up.
Bad News:
Santa Claus doesn’t exist.
*waves tiredly* I’m here! I was just elsewhere all day. I’ll comment on things tomorrow. Ugh. *crawls into bed*
‘Night, Ti.
You have been accepted into our Scientific Testing Program
When I was little, my mom put me into the car to take me to school.
She ran over my cat.
She still made me go to school.
Unfortunately, these weren’t invented yet.
That girl you doggied last month is expecting.
“It’s cancer, and you’re allergic!”
We’re sorry your pee is “chunky.”
Bad news: It’s malignant.
*picture of kitten*
Bad News-
Your parents blocked FailBlog.org and all of your cool websites.
We’ve decided the Amish are right.
That was the cat’s food…
You know that ring I “lost”…
**Gross content below, reader be warned (Hey, you never know who can be offended!)***
Farts don’t have lumps.
Epic bad news, WoW Style:
What do you mean you don’t want me in the guild? ~Leroy Jenkins
Bad news: The mailman had herpes.
Bad News after a surgery: We’ve accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato: you’re going to die in approximately 10 seconds
Courtney Love is your real mom.
I’m cheating on you with your best friend and his dog
Aww look at the bunny!
“Dad has two weeks to live”
“You failed your IRS audit”
“It’s protection money time again”
Bad news: Your father & I spent your college fund on that new Hummer.
Love, Mom
I can tell you something that’ll make you angry and happy at the same time: I slept with your brother, but you’ve got a bigger dick than he does.
EXTREMELY BAD NEWS: Fail blog and all other lolz sites suddenly broke down PERMANENTLY!!! OMG!!! the world is going to end
Good news: HOW CAN THERE BE ANY GOOD NEWS!?!?!?!?!?
Happy holo-something
Happy Holocaust?
I like cheese
who doesn’t?
bad news: they recounted, and John McCain is actually the winner.
more bad news: He just died from a heart attack. President Sarah Palin will take office in January.
Okay, you win. I’m going to have nightmares.
Bad News:
“That girl at the party last night is really a dude.”
“You’re getting an abortion.”
“We need to amputate your genitals.”
“Bush got re-elected.”
“We don’t sell the Whopper anymore.”
More gift ideas for wives who want to convey a little passive-aggressive message to their husbands!
Good news: your tattoo is so cool that its picture is in the front page of failblog.
The one with the grim reaper mining your at the your mine?
I need a cute bad news picture to say “You’re being deported” – er, rather quickly, please!
BAD NEWS: i’m an alcoholic.
ah, just thought of a better one!
“i missed my period.”
Bad News: Failblog shuts down
Bad News: Chuck Norris is defeated by the Power Rangers
Its bad news, not impossible news..
some of my friends are really weird because they think that chuck norris is a fictional character. now that isn’t bad news but it sure is disturbing.
Bad News: I don’t win anything
Bad News: World rule dyslexics the
Yes! Dyslexics of the world untie!
“By the time you read this, I’ll be in another country with all your money.”
“The milk in your cereal this morning? That was my breast milk.”
“We amputated the wrong leg. Whoops.”
“The lab mixed up the charts and it turns out you’re HIV+ after all.”
“Your mom and I did a porno in college.”
“I needed money so I sold your naked picture to a porn site.”
“I accidentally outed you to your parents.”
“You’re adopted.”
“I want a divorce.”
“I am not sexually attracted to you anymore.”
“Your dad is better in bed than you.”
“I accidentally ran over your cat.”
Luke, I am your father.
“I’m sorry, Mr Jones, we don’t know why you’ve gone blind. We’re as much in the dark as you are.”
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and don’t worry, his mafia ties got him off on those breaking and entering charges. You’ll be getting that pony you asked for in installments. Merry Christmas!
Dear Health-care User,
Due to an Epic Sobriety Fail, we regret to inform you that your surgeon FAILED to remove the tumour from your abdomen.
Also, we regret to say that a three month old fetus was accidentally displaced from your uterus during the course of the operation.
Merry Christmas, from the entire team at OMG HCP !
P.S. Please take this opportunity to re-read the wording on the liabilities exclusions section on your standard contract.
P.P.S. Happy New Year!
Bad news. You’re not really 8 months pregnant, you’re just fat.
Bad news.
You have 2 kids and tests show you’re sterile.
*picture of a cutesy-wutesy kitten with it’s head stuck in a box of catfood walking into a wall*
Turns out you’re not dyslexic, you’re just stupid.
Bad news: it has been forecast that by 2010 80% of web pages will be written in Lolcat language. By 2012 95% of former native English speakers will be using Lolcat as their main language. About the 87% of other languages will be infected will local variations of Lolcat.
In 2013 Literature Nobel will be awarded to a cute kitten.
Bad News: In 2016 a Half Eaten Organic Carrot backed by a huge political machine / marketing campaign will be elected to the US Senate from California.
Worse News: Half Eaten Organic Carrot will be hailed as the best politician of the year in 2021 and vetted as the Democratic Party’s next Presidential Candidate!
ABSOLUTE WORST NEWS: In 2024 Half Eaten Organic Carrot will Lose the Presidential Race to a Neo-Conservative Idaho Potato whose VP is a former Vicar.
“All day today we’re playing all the tracks from Paris Hilton’s brand new album, including hits like ‘Why am I famous?’, ‘You, Me and a handycam’, ‘White lines’ and of coarse that top of the charts hit ‘If you don’t buy this album, I’ll make a movie that will be even worse than House of Wax’.”
Hm … so, bad news, mh ? Imagine your wife’s coming home and tells you that she has good news and bad news. The good one is: The airbag worked.
Bad news:
Your union bankrupts your employer by blocking a government bailout. (too soon?)
So, I met this idiot porn star, and she astounded us with her stupidity. She set off the alarms by boasting about her genius IQ…. we asked her how she knew this and she explained “it’s a complicated test, you wouldn’t understand.”
A couple minutes later she said “Someone stole my bong while I was in rehab”
I don’t really expect to win, but I had to tell SOMEONE that story.
When you die alone in your house, this cat will probably eat you.
bad news – “I think you look so much better in the dark.”
“It’s not me, it’s you”
“I don’t love you anymore.”
Bad News: “Dont worry! You cant catch AIDS twice”
Bad News:
Sweetie,
I know you wanted a Baby Alive doll for Christmas, but your father misunderstood your request. And now he’s in jail.
Love, Mommy
Yes Virginia, there is no Santa Clause.
sex doesn’t really exist. we were just joking.
Husband: ‘Honey, I’ve got gonorrhea.’
Wife: ‘Oh my god!’
Husband: ‘You…might want to get checked.’
Wife: ‘*cries*’
Husband: ‘You…might want to get our daughter checked, too.’
Horrible taste, I know. Oh well.
‘Daddy’s really a woman’
You’re fired!
(Bad news) Thanks for the deep fried turkey. It was delicious! Signed, the Fire Department.
Bad news headlines:
You’re HIV Positive!
You’re Fired!
(Bad news) Congratulations on the success of your small business in this down economy! We look forward to enjoying your new income. Signed, President-elect Obama.
Your father just died in a skydiving accident. He landed on your new Ferrari. And the police found drugs in the trunk when they were investigating the scene. Along with your wife’s body. Who was discovered to have AIDS during the autopsy. Which she got from your best friend. Who is now comforting your mother at the funeral home after your father’s tragic passing.
The aristocrats!
Bad news. You’re not really 8 months pregnant, you’re just really fat.
I know the lines were long at the clinic, but you really should have seen a doctor.
Bad News: That deer that you hit while you driving home drunk wasn’t a deer… and now you have to pay 10-15 years for it.
Good news: This cute puppy has been neutered.
Bad news: Your surgeon accidently did the same thing to you.
Bad news: You’re well endowed, for a Smurf.
Sorry – turns out it’s yours after all.
bad news
Hooray. You’ve won AIDS. It’s your lucky day
Too bad Evil Nazi Psychopath Comrad Killers killed Santa, but happy holidays anyway!
Sorry you may have herpes.. I thought it was just a rash not an outbreak!
Sorry about the sore ass you had the morning after we got drunk. I don’t know what I was thinking!
Bad news: I burned the house down. More bad news: The car rolled off a cliff. With your cat inside.
This pcture of a beagle puppy will make it all OK, though, right?
aw, grandma’s dead? sad
Bad news:
I ran over your kitten…
Twice…
With a lawn mower
Picture: A kitten with a grad hat.
Front Text: Maybe next year!
On the back – “Um, sorry mom and dad…failed again. Guess I’ll be needing another tuition check. And maybe something to pay rent with. Love you lots
-Your (Almost but not quite yet) College Grad
Bad News: Dumbledore is dead
“I’m sleeping with your best friend.”
Santa Clause was shot down by the U.S.A.F.
The Easter Bunny died trying to deliver eggs.
The tooth fairy is actually a burglar.
Happy Holidays.
Comment Entry:
Failblog thinks you’re a winner!
Daddy’s tour of duty has been extended another six months. We’ll have Christmas in June!
Bad news . . . It turns out Bush has another year in office. Sorry.
Good News kids….I clicked on the correct rapper on this pop-up ad and we’re getting a Wii! There is a Santa Claus!
Rabies is an incurable and fatal virus once contracted! Coincidentally, I’ve been using your toothbrush, that ok?
As I was about to walk into a hallway, a group of girls were walking out the door. (Description of the door: the door is bisected with a metal bar between the opening of the door. Ex. __|__) So one of the girl walks right into the bar. Expecting a comment like “oh my head or ow my nose!”, she yelped “oh my titties!” Such a peculiar outburst… The end.
Dear youngest daughter, we were trying for a boy
YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!!
That’s what she said
Bad news: MJ got your nose.
i know what i’m getting my grandpa for chritmas
This book is awesome!!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Well, the bad news is that your baby’s got a genetic deletion that will make it have health trouble for the rest of his life.
Patient: What’s the good news then?
Doctor: You have TWINS! And they’re both boys!
Patient: Are they identical?
Doctor: Yes.
Your abortion was hilarious
Bad news:
Jesus dies.
Bad News -Hitler, Stalin, Jesus & the Psychopaths – were all jews…
Bad News:
I just accidenty the whole cure-for-cancer cake. What should I do?
That’s at Borders! I actually have the Nazi book in the middle. Good stuff! It’s basically the ties to the occult and religious myth that the Third Reich had.
Some occult things were how like Hitler supposedly possessed the Spear of Destiny, the spear that pierced Jesus while he was crucified… and like was a major good luck charm throughout history. Another pretty interesting thing was the highlighting of Richard Wagner’s anti-semitism. I’ll never listen to Flight of the Valkyries the same. dum dum du duuuuuuuuuuuu dum…
anyone else get sick of these totally contrived ones where he grabs two books and sticks them up to the other one? really lame.
This pic was obviously set up
Bad News – Grandma’s being charged with crimes against humanity.
Congratulations! Your Grandmother is pregnant!
Micheal Jackson is President.
Bad news: Son, you’re also my brother.
“The chicken cacciatore you just ate was once the cute little chick in this picture.”
“The only puppy you get for Christmas is the one on this card.”
“I haven’t been forthright with you; I wasn’t born a (man/woman)”
LOL!
“You just lost the game.”
aaaaahahaha, siiiiick.
Bad News:
Mommy still loves you, but she just learned she can smuggle more drugs over the border if she hollowed you out and stuffed you with them instead of your teddy bear.
Merry Christmas, and congratulations on getting past the leukemia!
PICK ME!
1) U CANT HAZ CHEEZBURGER
Hogwarts isn’t real.
2) Cher is dead.
3) Spears/Hilton 2012
4) Edward Cullen isn’t real.
5) I’m not 18.
6) It’s stuck.
7) I’m late.
9) You will die alone.
10) So…whose name was that? Wasn’t mine.
no kisses, your breath smells like a yak’s ass
It was death by decapitation!
Only Satan loves you!
You may be sane, but no one can tell!
Bad News : I don’t like you
My attempt at the bad news:
“The doctor says you’re in the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s…but forget I said anything and try to remember the good times.”
Bad News:
“I poked holes in all your condoms!”
“You’ve been adopted by Michael Jackson!”
“The government thinks you’re a terrorist mastermind. Enjoy your vacation in sunny Cuba!”
“Merry Christmas – Santa isn’t real and when you die nothing happens!”
Bad news: You just lost the game.
Bad News: Turns out your best friend is a pervert.
So, I came into my apartment which I shared with my best friend, and sitting there on the living room couch is my friend jacking off to some porn tape he’s got in the VCR. After a bit of zipping up, and me walking over there while he’s scrambling for the remote, I see what it is he’s watching.
He’s watching an amateur porn tape… Of my parents.
We don’t share an apartment anymore, suffice it to say.
Holy crap!
bad news: wikipedia became un-editable to the public
Well, those three books make sense, they´re manual on how to deal with your neighbour when he lose his job due to financial crisis and as a special bonus you´ll receive this book with cute postcards (the best way to deal with those ruthless killers – TM)
- Court in action -
– lawyer: My witness would like to present a new groundbreaking evidence in his case, which i would like to present to jury. -
– He handles a postcard with cute panda in jail uniform which says: “Holy shit i´m innocent!”
– Jury shouts as one man: “Clear of all charges, Haleluja!”
Nice:D
With the passing of proposition 8 your marriage has been revoked.
The test results say that tinkles never had rabies. We should have waited a bit longer before putting him down.
A fighter jet just crashed into your house and killed all your loved ones.
Your dog never ran away. He ran into my chainsaw while I was working and I had to put him down with the nail gun.
That wart is actually a melanoma and it’s too late to remove it with surgery.
This is the last animal you’re ever going to see unless you can reach a zoo within the next 3 hours or so.
There is no santa claus, tooth fairy or easter bunny.
Rover will not wake up. Stop trying.
Unless daddy can find some money fast, you’re going to be the first girl in your class to learn the meaning of the word “prostitution”.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but car crashes give you permanent brain damage.
Daddy raped your Christmas puppy. Sorry.
(true story) Dear Sis, Dad’s brothers won’t be coming to his funeral, James is dead and I think we forgot to tell you but Uncle Eddie died last year too.
Bad News: I never put the condom on…welcome to AIDS.
How about simply:
bad news:
What has been seen… cannot be unseen.
Bad news:
Sophie and Ash talked it over, and they didn’t choose you.
Bad news:
I saw you on Fail Blog!
Bad News entry:
Bob: Doc, I’m sorry I couldn’t get back to you sooner…I was away for 10 days
Doc:I’m sorry Bob we got your test results back and it looks like malignant anal warts…I’m sorry but you have 11 days to live….oh wait…oops…*whispers to nurse* um…Okay Bob, seems we got those results back 10 days ago when we had called you.
Bob:…..Oh F**** Me…
Doc: no Bob I don’t want to die…
Doc: I have to warn you that the death will be very painful and agonizing, which is why we are hooking you to a morphine drip….*nurse enters whispers to Doc*
Doc: Oh I’m sorry, all out of Morphine…looks like we gotta use Sulfuric acid which we will administer through a tube down your throat…*nurse runs back in and whispers to Doc*
Bob….um
Doc: AHEM seems we are fresh out of tubing, so we are gonna have to jab it into your eye with a syringe….however we are also fresh out of scalpels, so the incision must be made with this dull pointed crayon here.
book = hilarity win ^_^
Happy Holidays kids! I got you this book about psychopaths because I thought you’d like to read about what people like you do when when mommy and daddy don’t love you anymore.
Bad news:
I put a roofie in your drink last night. You starred in a porno with me and my friends. We ran out of condoms halfway through. Sorry about the clap. We’ll chip in for your abortion using the money we made from selling the tape. Unfortunately, the authorities found it. I’ll see you in 12 years. Hide the alcohol from Mom and make sure her and your brother use protection. Love, Dad
EPIC BAD NEWS: Your data’s gone to the big server farm in the sky.
**SnipeZone has joined #RSF**
[SnipeZone] What’s up all?
[Myztikal] Not much man.
[SnipeZone] Lol, i’m getting this guy arrested today.
[Myztikal] Why?
[SnipeZone] He doesn’t know I know this, but my wife cheated on me with him, so I told the cops he raped her, and faked evidence, rofl.
[Myztikal] Damn, where do you live? I wanna watch the news online for that story
[SnipeZone] I live in Muskogee, Oklahoma
[Myztikal] Is your name Brian?
[SnipeZone] Yeah…How did you know?
[Myztikal] Bad news: I think you have AIDS
[SnipeZone] WtF? Why?
[Myztikal] I’ve had AIDS for the past year, and your wife wanted bareback, and well…I haven’t taken my pill in over 4 months.
Santa isn’t real.
*someone* clogged up the toilet. Not me, just Someone.
Is this how you enter to win the book? I would like to know WHICH baby animal to use to break WHICH type of bad news…
In five seconds, your genitals will melt into goo. And you’ve been framed for murder.
McCain won.
“I’m sorry lil’ sis, I got you pregnant again”
Morty: I have the Herpes
Sadie: The Dr told you that?
Morty: Yes.
Sadie: What is it?
Morty shows her the Dictionary
Sadie: Morty! You’re OK– you can’t have The Herpes– it only effects Gentiles!
badump-bump
Guaranteed winner FAIL:
Sorry, an error occurred in processing your request. Please try again.
Your mother’s cage. It’s empty.
Your suffering will not end with death. Happy Arbor Day!
Alright, bad news.
In the past two years, our school has had the worst string of bad news ever, I kid you not. Last year, two students parents got cancer- one boy’s mom got breast cancer and another student’s dad was diagnosed with an inoperable, malignant brain tumour (and at this time, our school only had around 25 students, k-12.) Another students cat died, one’s father lost a ton of money in a real estate scam, and then after the school moved to a smaller town over the summer, at least half of the students left the school or moved. This year, we only have ten students. Three are siblings whose mom has cancer, mom’s best friend has cancer, and are having financial troubles and might lose their house. Their aunt runs the school and their cousin is a student, so the Aunt and cousin are having a tough time as well. One teacher’s brother had to go through surgery and has had a ton of medical problems over the past year, another teacher’s husband has had multiple surgeries over the past year and a half, and one teacher had to leave the school last year to be closer to her family because her father fell off of a ladder and had brain damage.
How’s that for bad news?
“Don’t blame yourself; Daddy has been wearing Mommy’s clothing”
What smells terrible and women dread?
Bad eggs. By the way, you’ve got some, try adopting.
Epic Bad News:
“I’m sorry sir, We’ve amputated the wrong leg. Our Surgical team had accidentally left an unsanitized instrument in your body, and the blood you received during the surgery after we had severed an artery was tainted”
Yeah, about that cold sore…
You’ve been punked by the jury. They actually found you guilty.
Epic Bad News: There really is going to be a “Catwoman 2″ starring Halle Berry =[
Wow, I haven`t seen a regular in over 100 comments. I feel like I`m lost in a foreign country! Can anyone direct me to the Failian Consulate???
“I have AIDs. Thanks for last night.”
I’ve thought of a better caption for that book cover.
‘Happy euthanization party, Spot.’
This is failing attempt at Fail!!!!!!! You suck at life!
Bad news: “Those weren’t lollies, they were Mummy’s anti-depressants she’s been taking since Daddy stopped coming home.”
“They say love conquers all, they are wrong. See you in court.”
“Mummy doesn’t want you, neither does Daddy.”
“The pokies stole the money Daddy was gonna use to buy your Christmas presents, or weed.”
“They’re making another American Pie”
Oooo Ooo! Number three I got that one, lol.
Life can be kind of lame.
The doctors had to cut it off.
~Delivered by ferret, note tied around neck~
Dear Madam,
We regret to inform you that your car has been stolen, your bank account hacked, your child was molested and you are wanted for 3 counts of faulty drug charges. We know this is our fault but we do not intend to do anything to fix it. Instead we have sent you *1* coupon for a small order of fries free with any purchase $20.00 or more from McDonalds.
Thank you for doing business with us, we hope you continue.
Bad News: “The Robotic Apocalypse has started! Ran off with the dog. Love.”
What a great idea for a Christmas gift for my PIA sister!
Available at all Barnes and Nazi stores this holiday season.
“There’s Been a Mix-up… You do have HIV.”
“Meet Bill, your second Daddy!
Love Dad”
Bad News: The company’s been sold, your new boss is now Simon Cowell.
bad news :
Junior’s in jail
bad news:
I want a divorce
Bad news…
Dad is dying right now…
<-(Picture of baby chicken with empathetic look to make everything better)
bad news: I Jizzed in your birthday cake, sorry bro.
You’ve lost everything in the stock market! *picture of adorable kitten*
That thing that came out of the donut box? Let’s just say you don’t want to know where the custard came from. And that other one, you don’t wanna know how the hole appeared.
Bad News (under a photo of a fluffy white puppy):
“Sorry the naughty photos you gave me for my birthday ended up on the internet.”
“It actually was a tumor. Our bad.” — Radiology Dept.
OH, and sorry it’s spread everywhere and it’s much too late to do anything about it. Please ignore our bills with our compliments.
— Radiology Dept.
Also, all further x-rays will be free!
Bad news: somebody put last night on YouTube. All of it.
bad news– new puppy’s head breaks like an egg.
good news– offers for a good nickname, though.
Dear Owner of Car,
You maybe wondering where your car went. I am afraid I have some bad news. You see my ex thought that your car belonged to the man I am cheating on him with, and he pushed it into the south river. Please accept this tin of cookies as my apology.
Signed
Mrs. Fields
Dear Son:
Thumper didn’t escape, your mother cooked him. Enjoy the chocolate bunny in your easter basket!
Bad News: You (or I) have cancer.
Worse News: It’s Malignant.
Overheard at an office ‘holiday’ party from a man to his wife.
“Honey, I have something to tell you. I’m leaving you… It’s just that I’ve decided that I am going to become a woman.”
At that point I started to choke on my beer and had to move away quickly so they wouldn’t know I was listening in. I regret not sticking around for the response.
Ok, Well Lets see the title of this book is just hilariouse. Like totally”Grandma’s Dead” Like I find that fuuny because if you think about it, grandma’s die all the time.. Oh and here is a joke to keep you guy s occupied…
“If a Bowl filled with a head of lettuce is a salad…What is a side salad??”
Give up??
A Half A Hedda lettuce…….Lmao!!!
“Santa’s not coming this year, and daddy’s not coming home. You see…”
Dear Santa,
Mommy says I should start calling you “Daddy.”
Dear Dad,
I’m so embarrassed right now. I walked in on your new girlfriend while she was peeing. While standing up.
See you at dinner,
Your daughter
Umm… Has anyone else noticed that the books behind the ones shown are different colors?
Busted! Don’t you hate it when people fake Fail Pics to be cool?
I have to tell my kids their grandma has alzheimers…this book would be perfect! Hope you pick me!
I just submitted an entry and then noticed the deadline was two days ago.
CONTEST FAIL
Thanks, the puppy was delicious.
Oh man, my mom pointed this out to me at Borders today and we couldn’t help but laugh because it’s just so ridiculously insensitive.
I don’t think this should count because it look totally like a setup; the books don’t match the ones behind them on the display, someone MADE this, is not a ‘fail’ then.
True, you will have to pee in a catheder for the rest of your life. But the doctor said that you won’t have to use it for that long.
… o_O
The good news daddy is out of prison and you get to go live with him!
The bad news is they are taking him off of his Chemical Castration…
EPIC “bad news” comment:
Your entire retirement fund was invested in Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC
Ordering that book for my family’s Chinese Auction = FAIL (but I really want to anyway)
this picture is staged. the front three books dont match in size with the ones behind it. FAIL fail
True anecdote, by the way…
My friend drank a soda and was stung by a bee inside the can. His wife was doting on him so much that I had to tell her the following:
“You think that’s sad? Well when I was 9, I was at a father/son picnic. I picked up a soda and took a big drink of it. There was a wasp inside of the can.”
Putting her hand to her mouth, she gasped, saying “did it sting you?”
I replied, “No, it just flew away. That wasn’t the sad part. The sad part is that I had to go to the picnic with my friend and his dad because I didn’t have a father.”
She burst into tears while the rest of us laughed our asses off.
Don’t know what to get your psychologically disturbed friend for the holidays? Come by this store for some great ideas!
LOL! FB has even surpassed this one for me!
(hope the link works)
I know it’s too late but-
dear mom,
Dads been gone for three years. The “dad” youre talking to is an IV. Your in a mental hospital. Happy mothers day
Love,
Your “daughter” (i’m the flowers on the side of your bed)
omg, this picture is “priceless…”