Offer Fail
Submitted by rednecksoldier05
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*waves
*
*lols
*
*sneezes
*
*
w
t
f?
Looks like the spam is not coming from the Spam Vault…
I am not spam. I am deviled ham.
I am jam. (That’s jelly to you :p)
I am the best. (That’s rox0r0zx to you :p)
Must be jelly cause jam doesn’t shake like that!
Do french fries come with that shake?
You get a free rattle and roll.
SpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpamSpam!
Do eggs come with that spam?
No. Shred fish privates.
You want I should put peanut butter cups on your eggs?
Oh please, do!
Um…fluffy…you might want to move away from Ronber there…
…
Here in the US we have both jelly and jam. Jam has whole fruit and jelly only has the juice.
*
*Locked Spam Vault*
*
/*
*
*/
I C what you’re doing, Stryder, but I have no further comment…
Mookie! Thanks for the myspace message, I didn’t realise so many failbloggers were on there.
It’s the home away from failblog home!
Failbloggers on myspace? I must seek them all out.
Click on Mookie’s name. It goes to her Myspace page, and most of the rest of us are on there : )
I don’t have a myspace page…mayhap I should make one?
Do it! I’m scared to accept all the failbloggers, though. Letting strangers have access to all my intimate life details!
Well…I have to be careful. I’m not that well known, but I do have some fans and I don’t really like getting inundated with offers. I had one crazy stalker-type incident a year or so ago, and I don’t really want to repeat that. I’ll think about it, though.
So use a pseudonym
WHAT! Cheater!
Dang, almost first. And I didn’t even try.
PS: hi.
Hello. *
Howdy. *
Greetings. We meet again! *
Oh, hello there! Hohohoho, the internet is so small! *
Salutations! I hate to trouble you, but should we be arguing or trying to get one over on each other? *
Merry Christmas! Nooo, that’s so brute! Here on Bellerophon we are extremely civilized! *
Looks like I won this round!
1×1!
You brute.
No. Not only did you repeat my usage of hello, but you said Merry Christmas when it isn’t even December yet.
I think we need an indepent adjudicator.
I will follow rules when they start to exist!
I prefer the calvinball approach. We’ll make up rules as and when it seems appropriate.
I request a score reset then!
The score is 0-0, starting from . . . . . . NOW!
*runs around and panics*
Your hat is silly and your nose is 90% of your face.
Hahahahahaha.
Your face is 100% of your body, and that is more than half.
I am off to make a cup of tea.
With 2 cubes of sugar, please.
lol… yep wont be going their….
It’s funny how they stole John D. Greer, Jr. indentity. And it’s funny how I’m always first!
Identity*. Sorry, *FIRST* rushing.
At least I tried to make a decent comment as first!
*snork!*
*ditto*
Go for quality, not quantity.
That’s what I told her …
Sadly, you had neither.
Funny, because that’s what she…
*sigh* I hate those jokes. Donno why I’m making one.
That’s what she said..
except you’re not first. that’s funny.
They indented John D. Greer, Jr??
Geez, I hope they had insurance.
Never heard it called *that*.
I left my credit card details with them so they could see if my identity had been stolen.
I sold my identity before they could steal it from me. I am happy they gave me 100 Dinars.
Hot dinars?
Not so hot in my humble opinion: they have a picture of an old man with long beard carrying his laundry on the head. But your mileage may vary…
But at least they OFFERED. Y’know, they could’ve forced it on you.
Yeah, that is very considerate of them.
Best offer I’ve had all day *sigh*
Don’t worry. You might get prostituted later.
Or get a weekly rape.
John D Greer Jr., the gentleman thief.
“Good afternoon, my name is John D Greer Jr. and I shall be assuming your identity for the next few weeks. I shall be using your credit cards to fund a drug, drink and prostitute binge, I hope this does not offend you. If you wish to discuss the finer points of this theft, or object to the use of any particular drug or prostitute, I will do my best to accomodate your wishes. Kindly leave your contact and bank account details and I will get back to being you.”
“How nice of you! Sure, no problem. I suck anyway. Here’s my ID, passport, credit cards, driver’s license and the keys to my house. If you feel like it, you can go to my office, nobody will notice that you’re not me. Same thing with my wife. You take care, ok?”
I hope they steal my identity, I don’t want to be chased by the FBI anymore.
Looks like someone took off his tinfoil hat.
RON PAUL POSTED HERE? WHERE< WHERE?
I hope they steal mine, too. My credit couldn’t be any worse anyway.
If someone steals mine, please to take it to the gym.
If someone steals mine, please finish off my degree for me.
If someone steal mine, please go to the bathroom for me.
Alright, new plan everyone:
We all get our identities stolen, and let the thief mold our lives into ones much better than they are now. And then…we STEAL THEM BACK!
*grumbles*
I would’ve got away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those interfering kids!
And their stupid dog?
Sounds good…
What about we get them stolen and then we move to Mexico?
Mexico, psshh. If mine gets stolen, I’m moving someplace tropical.
Do suggest!
I suggest Bellerophon!
How about Brazil? I’ve always wanted to learn how to dance Latin-style and wear those fringe-y skirts!
I want to go to Nepal, marry a Sherpa and have a goji berry farm if my identity gets stolen.
I say Nigeria. I hear there are many princes there.
Sherpas? They’re cute but so tiny.
But they can lift anything you give’em and they can go on for hours!!
I’m intrigued! Tell me more.
I’m 5′2, how tiny can they be?
Me too! *gives Ryannon a short person solidarity hug*
*drools*
*drools also*
*has membership with hardcoremidgetporn.com*
I prefer “little person.” Or “dwarf.”
It’s a hug, not girl on girl action!
Yes, that costs extra.
How much?
*checks in wallet*
I’ve got…twenty four dollars and seventy nine cents.
Are 100 Dinars enough?
I’ll be happy to pay you tuesday for some girl-on-girl action today.
Lend us a couple of bob till Thursday
I’m absolutely skint
But I’m expecting a postal order
And I can pay you back
As soon as it comes.
Okay…I’d get in on this hugging, but I’m about six feet tall, and the logistics would be a little…erm…
Well, let’s just say that for you guys, the hug would be a bust.
*pleads for a hug with dragon*
I’m 5′7 though, it might not be quite the bust I’m hoping for…
I also am 5′7… but I could bend my knees a little for that
busthug5′7″ too!
*roffle!*
*hugs!*
I have nothing against shorter guys–I’ve dated many men who are shorter than I–but JUST ONCE I think it would be nice to have to reach UP to hug a guy.
I can use a stool
I’m about six foot, too! Hooray for slightly-taller-than-average people!
*Gives Dragon a 6′5″ hug*
Or we could steal each others identities?
Although that would possibly confuse us more than anyone else.
ROFFLE!!!
I had to look at that a few times.
I was right about it confusing us more than others! Confusion WIN!
If someone steals mine, please note that you cannot return it without an official receipt.
Maybe we can all just have an identity swap?
Credit swingers?
Sounds…kinky. I like it!
Everyone throw your credit cards on the coffee table…
*throws*
*throws*
Hey, this one isn’t mine! Meh.
*throws*
If you steal mine, you’re screwed!
Nobody wants the identity of a fish anyway…
It could be a red herring…
*sings*
A fish won’t do anything but swim in a brook,
He can’t write his name or read a book
To fool the people is his only thought
And though he’s slippery he still gets caught
But then if that sort of life is what you wish,
You may grow up to be a fish!
One fish, two fish
Red fish, blue fish!
*applauds k-k-k-kathy*
*steals EGG’s ‘t’*
*replaces dragon’s ‘t’ with an ‘h’*
*facepalm*
My credit’s so bad that I had my identity stolen and the theif turned himself in!
Ouch!
Oh, like chasing you around is a walk in the park for us! Get back here, you slippery bugger!
Someone please explain to me why your mom references aren’t as popular on failblog as they should be.
Your mom complained.
She complains every day about that.
You killed my father!
Prepare to die.
Oh, Iñigo…
*daydreams*
Inigo?
No, no, Iñigo, not Inigo!
Oops, I accidenty my tilde!
Fouñd it!
I hãve lõts õf tildes! Ãñd I cãñ sell sõme if yõu wãñt!
Oh, hurrah! The Traveling Tilde Man has come!
I’ll take 3 please. I doubt I’ll be needing any more than that in the near future.
Here it is! Dõ nõt use ãll õf them ãt the sãme time!
~~~
It’s õñly 50 ceñts eãch!
I’m waiting for the umlaut vendor.
Höw mäny wöüld yöü likë?
Actually, the correct spelling would be ‘Íñigo’.
amigo?
fail.
You don’t accent on capital letters.
I’m not dead yet!
…think I’ll go for a walk!
I feel happy!
Because… YO MOM IS SO FAT!
How fat is she?
She is so fat that there’s not a word for it!
She is so fat that Zurack had to roll over twice to get off of her.
Rolled over twice and then used a step ladder.
A ladderless one?
She is so fat that when she pulls her BVDs all the way up they spell “boulevard”.
She is so ugly when she goes to the bathroom she scares the $hit out of the toilet.
She is so fat that when she goes to the movies she sits next to everyone.
She is so fat that when she gets on the scale it says “To be continued…”
She is so fat she has her own ZIP code.
She is so fat that this joke sucks!
What are BVDs?
Bovine Venereal Diseases.
Your mom isn’t as popular on failblog as she should be!
She stopped trespassing and the pimps moved on.
She is way to popular, not just on fail blog.
They were, but they’ve faded into partial oblivion.
Most of us are witty enough to think up better, original jokes.
Yeees….”most” of us…
Oh, almost fogot:
It’s the force
*hides in shame for being the first to make a mom comment*
Touché. It’s quite a shame.
Well, feel free to contribute some ‘mom’ jokes, if you wish. After all, we don’t judge. Much.
Your mom is so Irish she wears a kilt and plays the bagpipes while cooking haggis in Glasgow.
And potatoes.
Uh-oh… did katy miss the joke?
I may have…wasn’t there an Irish potato famine?
I’m a little slow this morning, the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet and I’m still cleaning spit-up off my uniform.
The joke was that bagpipes, kilts and haggis are all SCOTTISH things.
(see Meph’s comments below for the origin of the joke).
*sigh*
Damm, I was told that kilts are Mexican.
Now I look like an idiot in this burrito party.
Keep the piñata though! Irish are supposed to be violent, so it might blend in!
I feel like a piñata, won’t you take a swing at me,
If you could just crack the shell open,
I think inside you would find something sweet.
Hey! I’m part Irish and I’m not violent! Except when I’m drunk, of course.
Is that when you brings the Irish in you?
I’m part Irish too… just not sure what part …
I had a little Irish in me once.
I’m sorry he was little.
Oh! D*mn EGG I almost spit out my mac and cheese.
Damn.
*screws head back on straight*
Ok, I seem to be better now.
Phew, for a second there I was ready to write you off as another ignorant American! Nice to see you back with us
Damn failblog. *bump*
*Whispers in katy’s ear*
Pssssssssst. They’re all accusing Loz of being Scottish.
hahah thats great since we all know she’s Welsh!
Kilt + bagpipes + haggis + Glasgow = Scotland
Hope that helps.
Apparently so!
*has identity crisis*
Yes, you seem to have been stolen by a Scot. Better call State Farm.
And make sure he finishes your degree for you.
Those damn thieving Scots. *shakes fist*
First they steal me pig, then they steal me ‘dentity.
Alls I know is, they’ll never take me freedom!
I stole your d*mn pig and it attacked my lion!
That would leave less space for pun runs and referencing previous fails.
I’d like to reference your mom.
Then please, offer a good reference.
I’ll put a good offer on your mom.
An offer of identity theft?
Well, I do need a new identity ever since John D. Greere hasn’t been returning my calls..
You shouldn’t have said those things about his mom.
I only spoke the truth.
I’d give her a very good reference if she needed one.
“Very hard-working and reliable”, etc.
“Will work for mim wage.”
Do you know that you are referencing Stryder’s mom, right? Because I never said to reference MY mom!
The first reference is mine, you can have the second.
Be sure to use correct citation. She hates poor references.
Are footnotes acceptable?
Id.
Ego.
Super-Ego.
Yes?
Tell me about your mother?
She so stupid that…
She thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
She died of dehydration because the O.J. box said ‘concentrate’?
If the font is big enough.
Is your mom big enough?
Your momma’s so big…
How big is she?
She’s so big the only time she sees 90210 is on the scale.
When she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
*sniffs*
I miss Rodney… .
Because your mom’s iNdentity was stolen. Following periods of rain.
Are you making fun of me?!? I hope you are VERY happy destroying my life!
Emphasis on HAPPY, but not very much.
Oh, and why do you use Macintosh?
It’s easier to steal identities that way.
And why don’t you use Firefox? Safari sucks!
How do you know my config?!!? Are you stealing my identity? I hope you are very HAPPY destroying my life!
Is it good there on Naperville?
Oh, and I’m not called the internet psychic for nothing!
*turns the monitor off*
Yo Can’t See Me!
I can see yooooou!!!
Can you see me? If so, what am I eating?
Well, if you tell me where you are from, I will try to scare you.
I’m from Ireland…
The island or the country?
The island.
Nice kilt!
Hmm Loz, do you use Windows XP?
Culture-knowledge fail.
What? I’m wrong?! Impossible!
I do use XP. Wow you’re right, that was scary…
Culture-knowledge fail was for Meph.
Oh, ok, next one… You are using Internet Explorer!
Your guesswork is cute.
Especially when you’re WRONG. :p
Oh, then you are using Firefox! Right?!?
No culture knowledge fail here, you bagpipe blowing Irishman!
Thereis another user mixing his soul with yours, that’s the problem.
Meph, you’re joking, right? And I’m an Irishwoman :p
Zurack, yes, well done, I’m truly convinced of your psychic powers.
And I’m truly convinced of your 1280×960 resolution!
Close, but no cigar. I’m becomming rapidly disillusioned.
I’m not joking, you soccer hooligan!
Btw, are you from Northern Ireland or Southern Ireland?
Hehe, I was kidding, I know you have a 1280×1024 resolution…
Northern Ireland. Where we have bagpipes, kilts and probably haggis… apparently…
You can trust User Agents’ accuracy dude…
Sorry, Zurack. I no longer subscribe to your false religion.
You have not shown me the way. You are a fraud.
And now, the token “get a room” comment.
Pray, continue.
Well, at least Meph believes me, right?
I knew it! Glasgow is a really Gay-lic place!
Oh, McLoz, your country seems beautiful
Glasgow? Lol. Just give it up, hen.
Zurack, you already know the answer. They don’t call you an internet psychic for nothing!
Thanks EGG, so does yours :p
Hey Eggy EGG! You are the next victim! Where are you from?
Hen? How dare you call me a hen, you loch ness monster!
Here’s clue. Cluck, cluck.
The Philippines.
No! The cluck cluck comes from EGG!
Oh my! The end is near!! You’ve all seen Alien, right?
EGG, you told me you were from Reykjavík.
Hmm, the island or the country?
The planet.
Lol! It’s 7,107 for you, dude. And for the rest of the world as well. And it’s also a country.
Reykjavik is my dream destination. If only flights weren’t so damned expensive, I’d be there by now!
*daydreams*
*sighs*
Hmm EGG, do you use Windows XP?
So, Zurack… tell me more about myself…
Nope.
The problem is that you are a lier! GOOD BYE!
You mean a liar.
OK, i’m not from the Philippines… I’m from Spain (the peninsula). Try again now…
Lier! Hasta la vista baby!
I could really do with some Ibeeria right now…
(That was the best I could come up with…)
Ooooh, I can feel the energy coming!
Your timezone is utc+1:00!
Aw…
It seemed appropriate to steal different identities “Browser-wise”… you didn’t like it, huh? I had one custom made for you!
Well… yeah. Same as 95% of Spain.
I thought Loz was Welsh?
But I scared Meph, right?
So, do you support Real Madrid or Glasgow Rangers?
Celtic are clearly better than Rangers…
Damn, now I can never visit Scotland again without fearing for my life.
How can you be Irish without being from Scotland?
I support Real Madrid by association, but i don’t care that much about football…
And yes, you scared Meph!
*pats back*
You chose the right one, Loz! Hopefully the Scot who stole your identity is not a Rangers fan
I’d just like to point out that 95% of Spain is more than half.
So, EGG…
You call the peninsula “Spain”? I’m sure there’s at least one people offended by this!
I corrected him with a pun!
My mother died and suddenly someone stole her identity. It was almost comical. Fortunately we weren’t responsible for it and the person got caught very quickly.
My father died 20 years ago and we are STILL getting credit card offers for him in the mail. I’m almost tempted to fill one out, just to see what happens.
Woah, is that funny or depressing for you? It looks kind of depressinunny.
Yeah, like your face.
Ooooh I went there!
Are you making fun of my monochromatic face?!?
Actually, technically speaking it’s a pentachromatic face. Ooooh, I went there!
Mmhmm, girlfriend, you know I did.
*snaps fingers in a “Z” formation*
I was 5 when he died, so I really don’t remember him. So it’s funny.
I was 19 when she died and it was still funny. We had a flower shop and people would come in a year after she died and would say they just spoke to her and she said blabla. My sick sense of humor would ask what long distance carrier they had.
I bought my home 10 years ago. I am still receiving beauty treatment offers for the woman that lived there before me.
As far as I can tell, if those treatments did not work for her I am not buying.
What did she do while she was your mother?
Sign me up
HOW are the POSSIBLY 80 comments? I was away for an HOUR!!!
You ADDICTS.
Oh yeah, and weird pic i guess
I need some identity thefting :L
If you provide your credentials, I will be happy to steal your identity. That is, assuming you have a decent identity.
well, i don’t know if its decent, but it is certainly decadently rich
But an indecent identity may be more fun.
As long as you don’t accidenty an indecent identity…
But it’s fine to accidenty an idecent indentity, right? RIGHT?
I found out the hard way that Russians in Seattle also offer identity theft. I live in Orlando, Florida (pity me) and somehow purchased $1000 worth of appliances in Seattle.
Damn those Russians! Wait… How do you know they were Russians??
Did they used a sedan for moving the appliances? Any of these appliances was a fridge?
We need to give accurate information to poice if we want your identity back.
Don’t worry Lou, I always give accurate information to the poice!
Because once they stole his identity, they were Russian to the store to buy that lovely washer-and-dryer set they’d been eyeing.
Irish I may, Irish I might…
i fail to think of this as a fail
looks like a win to me!
Yeah. If someone PAYS you to steal their identity, that’s definitely a WIN! Just stipulate in the contract that they have to give you at least a week before reporting their credit cards stolen, and must inform you when they do report them, or they will be in breach of contract which may result in litigation.
(~¿º, )
If you offer identity theft, can I be Oprah? That would be fun.
*steals identities of all the request-ies*
It’s a service for all those Luddites who don’t have computers or bank cards, but still want to feel like part of modern culture.
Well we know why nobody goes there anymore.
lol i see a banner with something similar in culver city,ca
(COMMENTS WONT NEST BELOW THIS LEVEL)
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poo.
Oh hello me. Nice to see me. Why couldn’t you show up the first time? *smacks with a shellacked trout*
*bump*
Sorry Loz, it’s broken…