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Cheezburger Company Blog
First
fail!!
3rd!
That was easy.
like your mom
just the title of this makes me laugh :3
Staple’s Business Depot:
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
this is cute.
ƃuıʎouuɐ sı sıɥʇ
How dare you, sir.
I’m in stitches (in solidarity).
Where’s Bob Saget?
What do you bet Mr. Numbnuts here sues the trampoline company for not posting a warning label “Do Not Use When Jumping Off the Roof of A House.”
LOL. So true. 99.9% chance of happening. >.>
*questions Loz’ stapility* (in office ill mental capacity)
I miss all the clever comments, and I rarely think of anything witty.
That’s a lot of staples.
Staples Win!
That’s Numberwang!
Stupid poster saying “first”? Check
Another poster trying to spoil his/her fun? Check
Poster masturbating? Check (see avalokiteshvara below)
Moron of a poster saying “second”? Check (see fREEZE below)
All checks passed: failblog entry verified
No! Does not pass.
moron poster claiming “Photoshopped”. NOT Checked
but, i hate that moron
and:
“That’s what she said”
“You stupid Americans”
“You stupid Europeans”
“First!” somewhere in the middle of the page
“You’re so gay”
Grammar police
Also, “that’s so oold”.
And “failblog fail”
And “In Soviet Russia”
In Soviet Russia, trampolines fail you.
That occasionally happens here too.
That’s what she said!
What about “turn around and I’ll show you (blank)”?
In Soviet Russia, security checks pass failblog entries
that was awful
Bad joke police- Check
B3nd over, dilly, and I’ll show you how it’s done.
I think loufail has finally created the Failblog security system: The real failures are FIRSTS, SECONDS and *masturbators*.
You just described Thanksgiving dinner at my house.
That’s funny!
I roffled!
First on the white meat. And the *masterbates* is already done, tyvm.
That’s funny not!
That was funny to the bone!
more like to the boner
Entendrenue ↑
Ingenious en langues doublés. ↑
epic fail!
i wish he made hte jump, he would have been rocketed into the neighbors yard
There was another one of a kind who bounced up and got his leg stuck in a basketball hoop. But watching this…it just makes my testicles want to hide.
That’s what your girlfriend says.
That’s what you get for leaving your console session unlocked while you’re away from the keyboard.
Who would be able to get up after that?!
I don’t understand why you douchebags feel the need to announce that, seeing as it’s perfectly obvious to us that you’re first. However, in terms of IQ I’m pretty sure you’re dead last.
They announce it so that douchebags like you will respond to them like you just did.
Your douchbaggary is perpetuating the very thing you despise!
*Clasps hands together*
Irony at its best!
(Oh… rhetorical you say?)
You’ve just run rings around him logically.
But also as an annoyance and a first-poster-defender
there is no point to the first post, and it shows how far
our society has fallen in terms of intelligence, creativity,
sense of humor, and social– …social– …social-ness?
Dammit, they got me. I don’t know the word I’m looking for.
Underline “intelligence” 3 lines up.
if there is no first comment, then we needn’t any comments at all.
you might like to rephrase your comment
how do you change your avatar?
*blank, noobie stare*
Gravatar dot com, it takes some time, so be patient.
I hate always having to be the patient. When do I get to play the doctor??
Sorry, my bad.
Don’t you already have a PhD.?
Well…. only if i get to use the stirrups.
I prefer to go bareback…
I like spurs and tingle tangle tango.
I’m all for unbridled passion.
Just for a bit.
Rein it in there, Romeo!
Don’t saddle me with your archaic moralities.
I’m sorry. That was tacky of me.
That’s ok, it’s getting late and I am going to
have to hoof it on out of here pretty soon.
Well, that cinches it.
Have a wonderful evening!
Guess I’ll have to stop horsing around.
you’re gonna put a muzzle on it?
Neigh, you should go ahead and filly your oats.
His father was a mudder. His mother was a mudder.
ick, really, ick. no girl wants that as a part of the fantasy, that is one of the most disturbing ordeals women have to go through
I’ll trade you that for my prostrate exam.
Trade you that for child birth!
No, that is definitely not part of the deal.
I can’t say that I blame you.
*covers Sara J’s eyes*
Ow. Yeah…ow.
My second c-section I had a morphine spinal block. Didn’t hurt a bit.
*peeks from behind Dragon’s fingers*
Is it over?
Yep, you can come out now!
We were just talking about how labor is all sunshine and puppies!
Don’t forget the rainbows!!
You got some ‘splaining to do if you are laboring out puppies and rainbows…what kind of water have YOU been drinking?
I haven’t ever (and won’t ever be) labored out ANYTHING. Puppies, rainbows, or anything. And I drink the city’s tap water, it’s quite good.
That didn’t come out right. But I hope you know what I meant.
I labored out four children (one without any drugs of any kind) and remember it quiet clearly as anything BUT rainbows and sunshine and puppies.
But, SaraJ, you will do just fine. I recommend drugs, and plenty of them. As many as they will give you. As often as they will give them to you. For as long as they will give them to you.
But…but the rainbows are a government conspiracy!
*drinks a rainbow*
A delicious, delicious government conspiracy!
Taste like Skittles?
I heard a statement a long time ago that I totally agree with:
.
“If men had to go through childbirth, the human race would have
died off centuries ago”
*prostate*
I think an OB/GYN exam is more prostrate than a prostate exam any day.
*prostesticles*
.
Watt hour currant phial buoy wheel knead nix.
Wtf?
What’s the problem? Not a word is misspelled so it should be
understandable. Which is worse, a comment with understandable misspellings or one with correct spellings but is indecipherable?
..
hint: think phonetically.
I tried reading it too, and to no avail.
The above line is just plain utterly undecipherable.
This is in stark opposition to this gem, which is a course in how to speak Irish:
“Whale oil beef hooked!”
I will translate-
“I think an OB/GYN (Obstetrical and Gynocological meaning relating to female reproductive health and childbirth) exam is more prostrate (meaning lying down) than a prostate (meaning male body part) exam any day”
I was making fun of your misspelling. Women are examined whilst lying down on a table, while men are examined whilst standing up and bending over. So our exam is therefore PROSTRATE, while yours is not.
Thank you so much for not understanding, thereby forcing me to explain myself in great detail, and completely ruining the joke. I now have no doubt as to the sex of either of you. If you were female you would have known what an OB/GYN was. If you were intelligent, you would have known how to spell prostate.
*wonders if I used the Oxford comma correctly*
Pssst…annabellie…I do believe they were referring to
raelalt’s indecipherable post…
But, but, wasn’t raelalt refering to my original post? And then munch refered to his which refered to mine? I guess I could be wrong, but then again…you still can’t convince me anyone gets their prostrate examined…
That’s how I got in this predicament in the FIRST place!
Well, whichever it is, I got your original joke and got a yuk (yeah…YUK!) out of it.
Thanks.
I’d be tempted to trade a childbirth for a kidney stone, just to compare.
Twelve hours on hands and knees in front of a bucket with pain induced vagal response … that’s some entertainment. (And I’ve had more than one; one time it was “twins.”)
I thought only women had vag issues… :p
And I’ve heard the two experiences are fairly comparable, as far as pain is concerned.
I have heard that also. My husband tried to tell me that broken bones hurt more than childbirth…untill I offered to break four of his bones to compare to the four children I birthed. He backed off.
Childbirth and kidney stone? You go through all the pain of delivery -but you never have to take care of a kidney stone after all the pain.
I want to see a man pass an 8lb 5oz kidney stone.
I take that back, I don’t actually want to SEE it, I just want to know it happened
…then take care of it after 52 hours of labor, 2nd degree tear and a broken tail bone, then tell ME about pain. The epidural only lasts until the baby is out.
I think the epidural should begin at the first positive pregnancy test and be removed at High School graduation.
So glad I will never do that. You’re not painting a pretty picture here.
Birth is never pretty. It is kinda slimy, bloody, smelly and really makes you wanna take a nap.
Well it appears annabelie has had enough of ‘em for me. She can make up for the ones I won’t.
You can have one of mine if you would like…I tried to get rid of them on Craigslist, but no one bid…
No, but thank you for the offer. I’m not sure I would make the best mom.
When did commenting start being about getting the first one and stop being about the goddamn subject?
Seriously, pay attention. Do you dudes have down syndrome?
Trampoline fails are always so painful… xD
We did comment on the fail, a few times. We move on in conversation, as conversations are wont to do.
I don’t think John’s actually been reading this blog…
I suspect you are correct.
It’s a good thing I can’t read, I’m sure I was bound to make that same mistake eventually
While I see the points of the two of you. I do read about half the stuff on here and I’d really rather hear about the fails.
Like…
“Omfg I think if he didn’t break his pelvis his nuts are at least gone.”
Then only read about the fails. It should only take a word or two to figure out if the comment is about the fail. Also, please, you have to think this is better than all the FIRST and masturbates comments.
I understand that, cali. My comment stemmed from the fact that the whole “first” thing has been going on for so long that John’s question seemed to indicate that he doesn’t actually spend much time here. But there are plenty of “about the fails” here for you to read!
*masturbates first!*
i dont think he’ll be doing that for quite some time…
You don’t think he’ll be doing that for quite some time?? Orly why++
Methinks he qualifies for the Darwin Awards, seeing as he won’t be able to reproduce again.
To qualify for the Darwin Awards you must competly remove yourself from the gene pool. Not just your balls.
Doesn’t that do it rather effectively?
Burn of the week. A most excellent series of comments!
I don’t think he will do *it* ever again after that crash. May need to go in to have the rest of his transformation taken care of surgically.
This is a quote from the Darwin Awards site:
“The Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives.”
.
Nothing about the removal of balls.
You didn’t read the whole page, see earlier comment.
ohh.. nesting makes me dizzy… I completly missed that.
thank you
Are you suggesting that he could participate in the gene pool without them?
He could make a clone of himself.
It’s actually just the ability to procreate. Check out the Darwin award site. If not an award, it’s definately an honorably mention.
From the Darwin Awards website:
======================
The candidate must remove herself from the gene pool.
The prime tenet of the Darwin Awards is that we are celebrating the self-removal of incompetent genetic material from the human race. Therefore, the potential winner must be deceased, or at least incapable of reproducing. The traditional method is death. However, an occasional rebel opts for sterilization, which allows her more time to enjoy the dubious notoriety of winning a Darwin Award.
========================
Therefore Floof of Doom would be correct if said trampoline jumper was actually permanently sterilized by his misadventure.
I’m still worried about the potential for cloning — I say we nuke the entire backyard. It’s the only way to be sure.
They can bill me.
I’m sorry but the bird pun thread is down the hall and two doors to the left.
We sorta pigeon-holed it for a while anyway.
Auk, but it was such a Lark!
I dunno, tell us about them.
Well I don’t actually have any, they’re most commonly found near warm waters so I don’t think they come to Ireland
(Nesting bird comments below this level, won’t)
Are they blue-footed?
You’re sexy twitter is ’bout to drive me insane — let’s do the time warbler again!
Really not so cardinal of you to think so.
Well the guy in this fail might need a woodpecker from now on.
FTW!
(can we stop now)
aye, it is possible to become permanently sterile from complications from such an impact
Haha. Don’t you mean MISS-adventure? Pretty sure he missed his
landing target of mattresses and sofa cushions. A NASA engineer he is not.
The sad thing is, you don’t know that that’s true.
not true, the winner a few years ago castrated himself by washing his balls in a golf ball washer
*faints yet again
*me too
*fans self
Nope, you can get an honorable mention in the Darwin Awards for removing your ability to reproduce.
No, actually. If you read the qualifications CLOSER, you’d know that a Darwin Award requires the recipient to be “unable to pass on their genes” and thus removing themselves from the gene pool. That means death OR losing the ability to have children by doing something stupid, explaining all the “Living Darwin Awards” that you apparently missed.
Actually, if you read these comments CLOSER, you’d know that Raelalt already covered this, quoting directly from the “Darwin Awards website” — that you apparently missed.
no worries, i thought it was an awesome comment
I don’t have the requisite parts and that still made me cringe.
Regardless of your genital configuration, that’s still going to hurt!
Not if you were Iron Man!
(Sorry, I just watched it and it’s all I can think about.)
or super man
Or wonder woman.
or Flubber
why, is her skin impermiable also?
I think Wonder Woman made the list because she’s not a man, and also cuz she wears that thing that looks like a chastity-belt, which will protect her pricate parts in case she jumps off a building onto a trampoline.
*private
*prick it parts
having ur balls stuck in one of those springs would hurt……….
*faints
farts
*farts louder*
hehe
Shouldn’t you little farts be in school?
*Farts*
*Eats year’s supply of baked beans and burritos*
*runs for gasmasks*
Too late!
*Moments later, massive explosion heard.*
That was NOT nice!!
indeed, avis, it was not
Ahhh, yes. Lovely to come home and visit the effluvial plains.
lolololol…..
At least in the fire swamp the gas burns off.
Best be careful then Dragon. We could all be injured. No flamethrowing for a while.
*holds breath*
made my foot hurt, but that was because i hurt it while laughing
well at least it beats masturbating to the 10 second previews huh?
Not really. Masturbating to this did not work for me.
trampoline fail – fiery thigh rash fail?
broken tail bone win?
Broken pride win?
“Pride”. I can never keep up with the new slang words you young’ns keep coming up with.
It’s like getting stabbed in the “thigh” in all those Greek myths and stories.
ow my balls
That was you? Fail!
nope just quoting movies again
Leave him alone!
He’s batin’!!
i like money, u like money, i like money
I can’t believe you like money too. We should hang out.
batin’ his breath?
He has a worm on his tongue?
It’s a red wiggler.
No that would be wormwood. I think he needs to talk to fuzz about that.
Crap.
*closes tag*
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder?
I’ve always been too scared to try absinthe
Me too. Of course, the real stuff is illegal here in the Sates.
I wonder if you can get the fake stuff here… I might try that.
The only stuff you can get here is nowhere near as potent as the stuff in Europe. It’s a shame really.
It’s a shame for me, I don’t want the potent stuff! Send me over something weak? Lol
I’m informed it tastes like black licorice. Fair warning.
*gags*
Which is exactly why I will never try it.
::pats on back::
::gets your back::
No need for Heimlich or his tasteless puns.
I thought you liked having your Heim licked
*runs off to bed to dream of the admirable*
It’s more of a gesture.
And…did I miss something, or did the Admiral just get me on my back?
Lucky boy!
Someone in my group actually found “absinthe” in a gas station in Ireland last year while we where there…I didn’t try it (I try and abstain from eating/drinking anything that comes from a gas station; resturants and grocery stores all the way for me) but I can’t imagine it was “real” and/or good. But, I do know they sell it somewhere there… I have heard France is the only place to get real Absinthe. Might try the net, you can find anything on ebay.
SECOND!
count again please
Why do people persist in jumping off buildings onto trampolines? Why?
Beacause their goal in life is to win a Darwin award.
They’ve made a good start then.
A tern for the worse, you might say. *giggles*
I’m sooo tempted, but I think the others might kill us.
Oh god plz plz don’t start, I’m still puffin over the video.
We decided to give people a break, even on the other fail. We did pretty well I think.
Putting your pole on a tramp — you’re doing it wrong.
Your mind is filthy today. Hand me a fuzzy pipe-cleaner, I’ll sort it out.
EPIC WIN!
not so much, only that he did manage to get past the censorship
oops, relpied to wrong comment
I’m sorry, guys, I have a dirty mouth today. And every other day.
… the size of an actual pipe-cleaner.
Sorry, guys….I have a dirty mouth today. And every other day. I’m sorry.
God, I hate gravatar. Messed up my process.
YOUR mind is filthy today, Loz! Pipe-cleaning, indeed.
*blushes* oops.
Today…? Just…today?
*skeptical look*
It wasn’t intentional, honest! I wish it had’ve been, though
*pipes up* — You talkin’ me purdy some today?
yeah the tramp needs to be on pole….
just… just…
*tear of happiness*
uses tears as lube
trampoline 1 balls 0
I would say it’s a tie, because I guess that’s the closest he have been to get any.
uses tear to *masturbate*
And God spake, saying, “Nope. You don’t need to breed.”
It’s funny because everyone hopes that’s true…
It definately smells like a Darwin
…And it was good…
ouch, that’s just not right.
10
omg, he is steril!
*sterile sorry
I’m not at all sorry he’s sterile.
I lol-ed. ^
So, this week’s Darwin Award goes to this guy??
Yes?
No?
9
8?
7
6
Sheep!
zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz
pretty hard)
he’s just teste’ ing the tramp to balls physics
He didn’t have the balls to finish the trick.
He cannot masturbate anymore
Clearly, you’re high. I’ll leave you alone.
Yeah, he’s too high. Oh shit, he’s gonna jump!
I think he’s gonna fall really really slow and be dead already.
i think he’s “ball”ing his eye’s out
That comment was so terrible it gave me cancer.
You have cancer? Bummer.
What do you call it when someone removes their ability to reproduce by jumping off of a building and taking one between the legs by a trampoline?
Natural Selection
A good start.
Might be a good way to sterilize the less-than-intelligent – buy ‘em all trampolines instead of condoms??
Not enough sand?
Professional courtesy?
Shoot the lawyer twice?
nope i call it de-nutting
Perhaps he thought that was how one plays “squash”.
isn’t squash a vegetable?
and a game
You’re not a very good sport, are you?
Oh and why did you copy someone else’s screen name? Tsk tsk.
are u talking to me?
um, duh? remember we have nesting back…..yes, she is talking to you
i’m a newbie
oh, sorry
… first you must bring us… A SHRUBBERY!
Here you go:
(Hmm posting link not working)
raelalt seems at a loss for words…
Mark your calendar.
You’ve got a pretty big head for a newbie.
Are u talking to Ni?
Northern Ireland?
Neolithic innuendo?
Leave it to our delicious Avis to provide a reference for trampoline cuisine.
That really wasn’t my intent. But if you would radish I try, I will.
Trampoline…meatballs. Balls, meet trampoline.
I’m sure he’s tenderized by now.
Ooh, he’s Italian! That would explain why he scalped his pini.
Natural Selection WIN!
Culling the gene pool win.
Perhaps he was slightly off-balance, having lost ball #1 in an eerily similar situation…
ball in spring?
Springin’ balls (free)?
*faints again
epic
hands loz ice why don’t u help him out!
Watch out there, knight of Ni, she just might hand you your own balls. On a fork.
hehe grilled or fried?
Fried, with plum sauce.
as long as there is almonds garnishing it
She might just as well mount them on her wall, she does keep souvenirs from those she vanquishes.
*vanquishes*
*stands on top of the limbless knight*
what are you gonna do, bleed on me?
It’s just a flesh wound.
See!!?
*seize*
This is not a Trampoline Fail. The trampoline probably works fine…
This is a judgement fail !
I prefer the more positive spin of “Gravity and gene pool WIN”
my eyes failed at the moment i saw this. so much hurt.
Owwwww,,, I shouldn’t like to be in his shoes!!
I don’t really have a problem watching cruel videos, but this is so SHOCKING, so HORROR!!!!!!
Honestly, I don’t think his shoes would be that bad. His pants, however, might be a bit bloody…
bloody, wet and I guess brown a bit…
Owwwww,,, I shouldn’t like to be in his shoes!!
I don’t really have a problem watching cruel videos, but this is SOOO SHOCKING, SO HORROR (for a man) !!!!
or a woman, come on, it would still hurt. shattered pelvis hurts regardless of sex
Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t imagine how anyone could have thought that would be a GOOD idea in the first place. Am I abnormal? I never went through that stupid-adolescent-stunt phase and I felt a profound sense of embarrassment for any of my peers who did.
seriously, you would go flying off if you did make the jump
Gravity tends to be a harsh, heartless mistress from time to time.
You know…something tells me you’re not of the generation who grew up with Jackass and Youtube…
Not like it’s an excuse. But still.
YES !!!
That’s what she said.
Hurts! So not a good submission! :@
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. that hurts!
The great thing is, we were getting a FAIL one way or another. If he HAD hit the trampoline, he’d have shot off the OTHER side at the same angle he came in. Who knows what was over there? BBQ?
An empty in-ground pool would work nicely.
lol, i just said that…after you, but didn’t read your comment first
the trampoline nested under his balls. lol.
as they are wont to do below such levels of fail
The rewind and slow motion replay really made this fail for me.
less America’s Funniest Home Video junk on this site. woof.
meow.
BondFan! welcome
is anyone from darwin lookin at this or is it just me that thinks this guy deserves an award
please read above
Are you a Beagle?
He does seem quite astronomical.
It’s evolutionary, my dear Loz.
With an intellect whut runs at the speed of a galapagos’ing tortoise.
sO DUMB
Caps fail!
Reply fail!
I’m really on fire today.
I DIDN’T DO IT!!
I don’t think we believe you.
where there’s smoke there’s fire.
And where there is fire there is DRAGONS!
Caution, here be Dragons.
Avis…I have a beautiful carved wooden sign on my office door that says just that!
Please have your Darwin Award Winners spayed and neutered
If they’ve won that would be superfluous.
… a deaf policeman heard the noise,
and came and shot the two dead boys.
He definitely lost his balls.
That’s gotta hurt!
Zebuzisse total!
Why is that a trampoline fail? The trampoline didn’t fail. The moron jumping off the roof onto the trampoline failed.
I bet the jumper wishes he wasnt a guy right about then. hehe
At least that accident will prevent the stupid gene being passed on to any heirs. ‘Cause there won’t be any by the time he picks his bollocks out from the back of his throat.
DARWNED!
That must be the trailer for this weeks episode of “Ow, my balls!”
lol
Idiocracy reference win?
He seems like he’s from that future. The people all letting him do it must be too, either that or they really don’t like him.
He had the balls to make the jump at least…
Too bad they’re gone now.
Proper tense usage: WIN.
Ouch (or as we krauts say “Aua!” *lol*)… I mean I’m a woman but I can almost imagine that pain… poor guy. But pretty stupid…
A woman? On my internetz?! Impossible!
Thank you for saying ‘almost’. I swear no woman will ever know the feeling of being hit in the nads. At least child birth has an upside: the child.
Gene pool WIN.
THIS is a real FAILblog post.
good one!
Ow! That’s going to be one screamingly painful wang in the morning! XD
Darwinism WIN!
Hopefully this idiot will not be able to reproduce after this “accident”.
Well, this guy won’t masturbate for a loooong time… *masturbates to pay homage to the Darwin Award nominee*
And you just keep masturbating. Thereby keeping down the possibility of you ever passing on your defective genes.
On the contrary, sir, it keeps me fit, and you know – practice makes perfect;]
Oh, wait…you don’t:P
lol mr sausage u should try skiing( hands on both sides going up and down) one time ………lmao
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the “One Note Higher” Awards.
Oh man.
He’s not having kids.
Damn, he’ll be sterile for quite some time!
NO BABY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yaay! smashed balls!
basement cat belivs u make a gud lolz!!!! he usd deh littr box rite after he red it!!
Hey, do you know the guy on the skateboard? He’s a nutless dumbass also.
Having children fail.
Unbelievable! The French Judge only gave him a 3.5 so his bronze medal hope is all but gone. What a shame, the last to perform is Jean Pierre. All he needs to to do is stay on the apparatus and he takes the bronze.
#151
rofl oh so true, that poor guy…..got fixed by a trampoline…
he’s dead +_+
to Quote Maxwell Smart , “Missed it by that much!”
the fastest sex change ever
Just like my ex-girlfriend, he would have been fine if he hadn’t opened his legs…
No balls for joo XD