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Cheezburger Network Blog
first
u’re about to be owned and failed by 19208908 normal users. why shouting ‘first’ make you so ?
Because it passes the time and gives me opportunities to read the useless replies to what is a useless comment. Yours included.
Because on failblog it is so very rare to get such an opportunity…
God knows, in life we should take what opportunities we get.
You don’t have to say ‘first’ to have the opportunity to read useless replies to useless comments. Just read through any thread you wish.
But saying first attracts the most useless replied and you don’t have to scroll down to read them. They’re right at the top.
Excellent comment. Would read again. A++
Hahahaha!
*bows*
*Gasman enters*
*Gasman pulls out and comes everywhere*
So, basically, you’re just lazy, then?
The ultimate in laziness – not being bothered to scroll down a web page.
I can be bothered but at the top of the page can help prevent RSI for repetitive clicking.
Clicking?! You’re scrolling old school. See that ‘middle button’ on your mouse. It’s a scroll wheel. Give it a rub — it’s the future.
My laptiop doesn’t have a middle button. Not that I’ve been able to work out yet anyways.
How about USB ports? Does your laptop have any of those? Get a mouse, dude!
It’s on the to do list.
On the bottom, where you can’t scroll to?
cc FTW!
hahaaaa, its the first time that I have to laugh out loud abt
these comments ^^
Neither, I just stole my boyfriends *starts scrolling*
Or even better, the scrolly bit at the edge of the touchpad.
Ahaha, the scrolly bit on the touchpad… that’s like computer porn, my friend
Computer: “Oh yeah, rub me harder!”
I will never look at laptops the same way again…
*rubs faster*
*failblog thread becomes a blur*
uh oh, BSOD.
Do I even want to ask what that stands for?
Oh gawd, I come to find my friends and partake in a bit of intellectually stimulating humor, and I find you all diddling your laptops.
*heavy sigh*
Oh no, I’m not using my laptop right now now. I’m diddling the “insert” button on my keyboard
Blue Screen of Death – I’m guessing that’s what would hypothetically happen if a computer could orgasm…
Nah, White Screen of Life, more likely
In French, “orgasm” is literally translated as “the little death”.
I never thought death could be so enjoyable…
Apparently, you’re not french….
Nope. I’m American. I eat french fries.
Brandon is now the head of the Department of Redundancy Department CEO.
in fact “la petite mort” is an expression, in everyday (and night) life, we are using the word : “orgasme” ….
there’s only Verlaine in one of his books to invite a lover “to die together” !
So I’m in charge?
comment pyramid of doom
So I just want to point out how ridiculous this got even though it was started by a “First” post
It was fun until you came along and pointed out how much fun we were having. Thanks for ruining the fun… jerk.
Don’t listen to him.
We can still have fun. Somehow.
Ah screw it, it’s over.
*mastur…* What? It’s over?
LaPanthereRose, what is the verb you use? Orgasmer?
Orgasmer sounds like a comic book name for a device that gives orgasms.
*pew* *pew* *pew*
….What comics are you reading? Some twisted toon porn huh.
Dan says: “first”
He is the first to try?
First to try and FAIL.
Paul: They tried and failed?
Reverend Mother Mohiam: They tried and died.
wow. Dune reference win
dude, in real life im named after feyd!
You have no chance to survive make you so!
First what? In an ugly contest?
Your name would suggest that it is you who wins the ugly contest. No?
I LOL’D
It’s actually an ironic name. I’m actually stunning.
(Cue the “Yeah, stunningly ugly” rejoinder
P)
… some people think i have a nice personality.
That’s all that matters!
That’s just something ugly people say….
Familiar with hearing that phrase then are you?
…so all his friends are ugly?
No. All his friends just look like you.
thank you, GOAL! *cuddles* That is sooooo nice of you :-*
*cuddles*
Don’t touch me.
Want to borrow some disinfectant?
Ugly on the inside or the outside?
Nah, runner up.
Were you? I hope you cleaned it afterwards.
Ultra Absorbent Ultra Wipe Paper Towel. Handy for any emergency… or spill. So to speak.
Make sure to rinse the towels using bottles of dog sweat afterwards!
Prefer cat urine… it glows orange under UV light.
you would be first to use that
I think my boyfriend has one of those in the top draw of his bedside table.
You think? How do you not know these things?
I’m too scared to look to confirm.
What’s to fear? Afraid you won’t “measure up”? I’m sure he still loves you….
Compared to his motorbike or….?
You’re not afraid of what he might do with his motorbike, but his sex toy scares you?
At least with his motorbike I know what happens and how fast it goes. His toys have variable speeds.
lol’d
Isn’t that a possitive thing, though?
1 s… I suck today!
Careful with your words. A double entendre lurks around every corner…
As does a Shadow Link.
No, I prefer misty rooms and lonely, barren trees to while away my hours…
Can’t see the forst for the trees?
Sorry spellcheck nazis… forest.
And a damp floor? What a strange way to spend your time…
You should try heading out one of the two doors, it’s more interesting out there.
Can I borrow your umbrella?
It gives it a nice mirror sheen.
And one room’s like an escalator from hell and the other just has this dumb grappling hook in it.
BRB, someone knocked.
Geh! He’s got fire magic! I’m out! See ya!
Hahaha, who needs fire magic when you’ve got a huge sword?
*hands herring back to Loz*
I don’t think that will be necessary…he seems to be heading out the revolving door…
….hmmm.. I guess I’ll try to go inside through this revolving door the wrong way… Let’s see what happens
Door: RAWR! *CHOMP!*
I enjoy double meanings, that’s where I get most of my fun on this page…!
Suck today; swallow tomorrow
Oh, orange juice out the nose again. Ouch.
that was freaki hilarious, choked on waterrr =]]
Not with the wall unit he has. Kick start it and the apartment shakes.
That little red toy comes with a wall unit? Or is this just a special rig he constructed…?
You want to hear the blow off valve for the turbo engine he hooked up to it?
The blow off valve? Seriously?
Ok, so my boyfriend is inflatible and it’s a blow up valve.
So he drives a stick?
Not really where I was going with that, but ok….
Complete with blocked exhaust.
And oversized intake.
Wide load.
Two-way street.
And a sign that says “Wrong Way: Go back”
Thru-street.
U-Turn permitted?
Cul-de-sac?
Compact space.
Angle parking only.
Double parked.
Angled parking is for people who can’t park.
I lol’d so hard… I just fell off my chair laughing! Best thread EVER!
I also lol’d a lot. Good work lads, good work!
Clarify: Too scared to look in the drawer or…?
Look in the top drawer. He pulls different things out of there. The leopard print handcuffs freaked me out.
Is it bad that I have seen this in person before?
(The batteries were dead when I tried it out, Though the bright blue one about two sections over worked…)
PLEASE TELL ME DAN STANDS 4 SOMETHING LIKE DANIELLE.
Please.
Effing wow!
So that’s where I put my battery powered billy club.
Battery powered is so passe. Diesel is the way to go these days.
Get with the times. There’ll be no oil left in a few years.
So it’s a hybrid. Runs on petrol and LPG. Oh god, it’s a Prius.
LOL!!!
i almost told a bad Parkinson’s joke here, but I chose to restrain myself in the name of good taste… I’m not sure if that was the right call….
This is Failblog, and you’re not gonna tell a Parkinson’s joke because it’s in bad taste?
Ok, then… from now on I won’t restrain myself for the sake of avoiding offense. My appologies. Oh wait, is appologizing on the internet in bad taste, too?!
1 p, d’oh…!
I still don’t see that joke…
I think it’s an intellectual joke. Maybe. I don’t actually know I’m just guessing because I don’t get it either.
Well, the joke would be kinda wasted at this point… it’s been talked about too much… and you already know it’s about Parkinson’s, so it would just fall flat…. I’ll just wait for the next train….
Iiii ddddoooonnnn’ttttt ggggeeeettttt iiiitttt.
I was simply going to say that if you wanted to conserve energy, you could have Michael J Fox hold it for you… it’d be naturally powered. See? It lost something in all the conjecture prior.
I’m trying to work a Spin City joke into it but can’t quite get the whole spin cycle thing going compared to the shaken martini.
*smacks Brandon with a herring for putting a preposition at the end of a sentence*
That’s not necessarily a concrete rule, y’know! Prepositions are good to end sentences with!
No they’re not, it’s blasphemy. Pre- = before.
Go straight to hell and do not pass ‘go’!
(I love you really).
Aw, I can FEEL the love….
Oh, sorry, you’re sitting on my ‘exotic novelty’.
That rule was created for Latin, and rightfully so, but it does not make a complete transition over to English. There are plenty of valid, gramatically correct sentences that end in prepositions. That rule is misleading for the English language.
*awaits fire and brimstone*
You appear to have replied to the wrong comment, but never mind.
I accept there are a few rare cases in which it is acceptable, however yours was not one of those.
*grammatically
I have lexdysia, I’m bound to have a few misspelled words…. I think I do darn well considering…!
*Hands a copy of Grammar Rock to Brandon*
Here Brandon, watch these. They’re not particularly high-brow but they get the point across and the sexual innuendo to be gained from them is laughable
If that is true, I commend you!
…and I’m pretty sure the prepositional phrase was very well understood in context.
Ending sentences with a preposition; that is something up with which Loz shall not put.
But I didn’t even end a sentence with a preposition! It was a prepostional PHRASE! Doesn’t that help?
“Though Geraldine played hard to get (uh huh),
Geraldo knew he’d woo her yet.
He showed his affection,
Despite her objection,
And Geraldine hollered some interjections!”
LOL!
*blows a kiss to Dragon*
Epic limerick fail.
Funny though!
“Hey!” I didn’t write it….
Oh, and Brandon is right, btw. The “no preposition at the end of a sentence” rule is outmoded, outdated, and not well suited for a language of primarily Germanic origin.
So plllbbbbt! :p
Well, split my infinitives — another rule up with which we need not put.
I’m glad I have the support of at least one of the failblog irregulars….
Christianity is outmoded and outdated and not well suited for a modern society… but people still follow it.
(Poor analogy, but you get my meaning.)
But that does not mean that those who do not are wrong.
I
Not making a joke in bad taste on the internet is bad taste.
Does that include Bushisms?
Any comment/joke in bad taste is accepted here.
The Washington Monument looks nothing like the guy. More like a tribute to Bill Clinton.
That bad taste enough?
Heard it. Keep going.
72 raven haired virgins? Jipped!! I get annoyed with one. Infidel.
I thought it was red haired?
That or raisins?
Like the chick on the Sun Maid boxes? What do they want with the Mexicans?
Tequilla?
Redheads? *masturbates*
Masturbation? *jacks off*
Jacks off? *chokes the chicken*
Chokes the chicken? *prepares other pot pie ingredients*
Chokes the chicken? *clears the snorkle*
Like warm apple pie.
All the filling, none of the crust, my friend
Clears the snorkle? *polishes the Easter Vigil candle*
im not trying that out thats for shure
bashes the bishop
Meh. I don’t get it. Lack of interest in anything historical or political.
Besides, I top that:
What’s the difference between a Jew and a pepperoni pizza?
The pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.
I threw a penny between two Jews and watched them fight to the death. I did the same thing with two Catholic priests but I threw in a small boy. Winner had to fight Michael Jackson.
Heard that one as well.
Maybe you should move on from Jeff Dunham…?
Yeah I know… Jeff Dunham is gold though.
I agree but the humo(u)r of this site mainly comes from original quips, IMO….
Most of my comments are my humour and not borrowed (stolen) but for random throw away lines, I borrow from others.
i wonder if Dunham could make the vibe talk…
Only if it had lips.
I know this one and it really IS in bad taste…!!!!!
Pizzas taste pretty good I think.
You tried it with Goat Cheese?
One of the few things Jews DO have in common with Italian cuisine…
(Do I win?)
I’m a vaginatarian.
Aren’t we all?
Vaginatarian? Does that make you a cockivore?
I don’t think Dan is… that’s just a hunch, though.
Somebody has to play the meat flute. 1, 2, 3 not it!
Not it!
Ok so it’s me… and?
No, nothing. I’m just saying some has to do it. How the hell do people keep having kids if everyone is a vaginatarian? Tha’s all.
*that’s
I don’t think Dan’s having any kids either, though….
Well maybe but I just thought dan was short for danielle possibly.
Short for Daniel but I still spawned… many years ago.
My impression was that Dan was a gay man, but I and my impressions have been wrong before….
Ok, ok so Dan is a guy, but I still stand behind my point. I know he’s not the only flute player even if nobody else claims to be.
I am a gay man… doesn’t mean I didn’t experiment.
Wait…what? Doesn’t that usually work the other way around?
I never did anything “straight” forwards.
Lol you did it back asswards?
Nah, more like ass about.
On that note, it’s 11pm, I’m going to bed… night all.
I’m sure on more than one occation….
Occasion too.
Nightly usually… anyways…
Don’t be a pussy. It’s nearly 6:00AM here.
Are you normally the receiver or do you change it up?
Depends on how much alcohol I ply him with.
“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.”
Yeah, but have you seen the price of gas lately?
I would say yes but I don’t drive. I have a chauffer for that. I mean boyfriend.
Were not talking about cars here. ;o
We’re talking about toys with variable speed from “Yes” to “OMG YES!”
Actually, this particular model goes all the way to “KEN LEEEEEEEE!”
I rather the model that goes “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”
Hmm, we just got in the new “wryyyyyyyyyyyy” upgrade of that particular model, if you’re interested.
How about one that renders all speech capacity useless?
You’ll want our cornbrator model for that, good sir.
Ohmi….. *grunt*
Hey! Sir, I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to charge you for that. Store policy, I’m afraid. You bone it you buy it.
You know, a friend of mine once gave me one she picked up in Japan that resembled a pickle. It was called “The Farmer’s Happy Daughter.” I just couldn’t get past the fact that the thing was green and covered in bumps.
At least I didn’t c** twice or I’d probably be made to pay twice.
Just think of it as the Shrek Dildo.
Not really helping in the sense that it should be…
Well I used the gas powered one yesterday and it hurt Loz, then I went to the solar powered one and blew it out the window.
At least it was a window and not a gas stove.
Gas as in petrol or natural gas? Your silly terminology is confusing :p
Petrol, sorry for the confusion.
What’s the big deal? It looks clean!
Ahhh eeek . . . that’s a big one
It’s not that big… doesn’t look abnormal to me anyway….
I didn’t know they still made 12″ monitors.
I think this one might just be a win
Do they really have a little room you can “try” this out in?
Clerk: *hears moans* “Another satisfied customer.”
I’m sure “TRY ME” refers more to feeling the texture of the product, and not so much experiencing the orgasm that it can produce. That’s my take on it anyway…. I’d like to think that they have a little room, though… and LOTS of sanitizer.
Did they scotchguard it first?
Is it just me or has the RSS feed gone haywire?
The photo is obiously photoshopped. Do they really expect us to believe that the sex shop has “failblog.org” and “Fail” printed on their walls?
No they do. I’ve been there, though it is actually failblog.orgasm. This photo angle just cuts that part off.
Minimal stains.
Free rubber fist with every purchase.
Rubber or latex?
Hypo-allergenic polyurethane derivative.
Non-alergenic Latex then?
Close enough.
Did I mention our sale on youth toys? Aquapets are half off! And don’t forget about our extensive line of home furnishings.
Does the home furnishings include African Fertility Idols?
Naturally, so to speak.
Oogha Boogha Pregnha Boogha
Non-dairy.
May contain Soy.
Allergy information: Packaged with equipment that handles nuts.
Balls up on their part?
Balls ain’t all…
whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
wryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
WIN i am immortalized in the failblog…now if i could just get a life
Where did Loz put that blasted fish?
Here *hands the herring over*
It’s dragon’s so be sure to return it to her when you’re done.
Thanks! *quickly slaps clever 5leazoid many times with herring* This thing is pretty tough.
I had it laminated.
Good thing, too, I was getting hungry. And I <3 fish.
I have some popcorn over here if you want some.
WHAT?!?
Sanitary Fail?
Herpes Win?
Spread the love around. Giggity Giggity.
I wish Sara would stop leaving her toys lying around.
I wish you would stop stealing them.
*Smack* Smack*
Honey, I don’t like thier samples. This thing tastes funny!
*Smack* *Smack*
First of all, never smack me again. You are not worthy to smack me.
*Smack* *Smack*
Second of all, you misspelled “their”.
well it does say ‘California Exotic novelties’
well, i’ll try anything once.
You know what, admins should block IPs of users who keep posting
‘FIRST’
or anything irrelevant to what the Fail is about. Seriously, this is a perfect example of people like them trying to get attention from it. And the people who reply to the ‘firsts’ simply think they’re ‘Failing’ the first person.
Enough said.
BOOOOO!!! Dude relax.
FIRST!
I forgot what else I was going to say….
Stupid fish smacking bastages burnt my sammich.
*kicks a bucket of popcorn*
I just borrowed it!
*gives Deadclown back his sammich*
You owe me some new popcorn. And you’d better deliver, or I’ll smack you with my herring.
That was my you just kicked over…
You’ll pay for that.
*walks into Deadclown’s house, twin uzis a-blazing*
My popcorn*
Damn it. Dragon, can I borrow your pudding bukkit?
It’s all yours, sweetheart. But I’m sure I’ll be needed it back at some point soon.
Why so acerious?
Humor Fail.
you’re crazy. if they banned everyone that posted stuff that wasn’t relevant to the fail, they’d ban everyone. you’d be banned for that rant right there. shit, i’d be banned for this reply.
And why exactly would those examples be a bad thing?
and you’d be banned too.
maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
So are you upset because you’re yet to get the opportunity to say “FIRST” and are jealous of everyone else or because you just want to complain? Maybe you’d just like some cheese to go with that whine.
Jealous? No, i think not. More like annoyed to scroll down 30+ useless comments to read anything about what we have to say about the fail.
And oh yes, call me thick but I still don’t get why someone would leave a red shiny dildo on a stand saying ‘try me’
Change 30+ to 150.
“Thick”… you’re not modest, are you?
I think he meant thick as in dim-witted, but the sentence works either way. Double entendre WIN.
Oh…wow.
could this be the slightly used, minimally stained, rubber fist obtained at the pink taco?
WIN!
Our store has a tester wall too. It’s so people can know the texture and turn it on and see how much power it has. We get people making jokes about it all the time. Guys like to beat each other and play practical jokes on each other with them all the time.
i dont get it,
is it a fail because the button you press to try it is inside a plastic box?
Lol…I used to work in a porn store, and we had these displays everywhere. We got the same comments all the time; “hahaha, try me, then why is it chained to the wall???”
On Welsh time. Have just woken up. Have I missed anything funny?
Eugh. That thing reminds me of the shiny red-shelled pupae I used to find on the ground when I lived in Texas.
DO NOT WANT try, thanks.
Perhaps it’s edible and you’re being invited to take a bite…
I’d Like To try It
! LOLZ
I shall call you eduardo!!
HIV anyone?
ummmm i bet it lights up and a toy comes…
no fair! i totally took that same picture recently! lol. in Miami FL right?
no…. this is a try me WIN!
xD all adult stores let you try things like that to see the speed, controls and vibration range before you buy.
wonder how many people “tried it”…
Yo wasup
i just finished reading all these comments it took me a year … i had to go to the doctor repeatedly for breaking a bone from falling off my chair so much because i laughed so hard
i just finished reading all these comments it took me a year … i had to go to the doctor repeatedly for breaking a bone from falling off my chair so much because i laughed so hard.
What about a slightly smelly trout?