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Ahaha…
Yup, that’s the same sound your mom was making when she was gagging on my schlong yesterday.
Ahaha sounds like lol’ing… Is your schlong so small then?
WIN!
Didn’t you see my schlong then when you came home while I was giving it tot your sister last Tuesday?
Next time you should leave u alone.
hahahahaaah FAIL
If it’s as small as it sounds I’m guessing he probably didn’t see it…
double win against porka.
BURN’D
Why Tuesday?
Tuesday was the first day that came to my mind. I couldn’t say yesterday because that was the day when I was banging someone’s mom. Two bangs on one day isn’t always healthy.
Virgin.
I can take care of that.
Doubt it.
so true
haha, nice name
lol
porka’s schlong is tiny, porka’s schlong is tiny!
“Two bangs on one day isn’t always healthy”
I bet you have man-boobs, don’t ya?
Every boob is sacred.
man-boobs? *masturbates*
Girl masturbation? *(slight pause)* Oops, no need to masturbate. Never mind.
Sweet. She’s jilling off.
Rollin the bean
Pattin’ the bunny
Stimulating the clitoris.
Buffin’ the muff(in).
Double-clicking the mouse.
Rowing the little man in the boat.
Poking the pie?
Double-entendring the tenders,
entrancing the entrance,
and entertaining the inner ‘tain.
Tweaking the vagina nipple.
Finger-boxing with “Marvelous” Marvin Waggler.
Nesting the comments below the level.
Slightly using the rubber Fist
Dialing 999
Opening the 25th hour
Making the Ho-Made BBQ sauce
God-Referencing the Hause
Feeding the picky eater
Euphemising the Euphemism
Ok. I’m done now.
Are you sure?
Airing the orchid
Spending the night with your five-fingered friend
Wetting the whistle
Nuzz the fuzz.
…erm…nevermind that last one, ‘kay?
Wow.
::netherminds::
Scratching like a DJ
Flipping through the yellow pages
Needing some dick.
Masturbating…
What?
achieving whirled peace
rubbing the magic lamp
My mistake. Looks like there are plenty of dicks here.
seasoning the pink taco
Jellyfishing.
Did you say you were needin some dick?
He did! I read it!
Punching the possum
Putting cream cheese on your bagel.
Diddle with her skittle!
Usurping the Frontal Lobes
I see what you did there.
Tapping the spinal reflex.
Massaging the oyster.
the 5 against 1
Obviously a bunch of cunning linquists here…
dude, we’re still counting* with our digits,
the linguistic spelunking hasn’t even started
(*the ‘o’ is optional … though that may not be what she is saying at this point in the count down)
The ‘O’ is NEVER optional!! :p
And “cunning linguist” sounds like…!
… glossolalia in the kittycomb.
Is that anything like ululation in the pussywillows?
Yes, but with more ecstatic spelunk.
Tickling the Taco.
isn’t healthy?
is there something wrong with you?
amateur
porka… that’s a female pig here
(ok ok porca)
Yup, the pig with (man)boobs.
boobs?
*masturbates*
Man?
*is not aroused*
why are you not yet dead?
BURN!! BURN!!
… we don’t need no water
let the motherlover burn!
burn, motherlover, burn!
PWNED.
this should be burn of the week
what’s this i hear about you having a small penis?
Spreads like wildfire, doesn’t it?
I think you’re thinking of a redhead’s vagina.
I think you’re thinking of the Flaming Lips.
That’s why she uses Vaseline.
I also see what you did over here.
As history, recent and past, shows, religion is much more efficient at killing people than worries.
Way to kill the mood…
DEATH TO ALL INFIDEL MOODS!
^ a killer to believe in
Dangit, killer…I had a really great infidel mood going there, and you killed it.
Pllbbbt.
Jihad me at “Dangit”, Dragonwriter.
Shiite, there goes my Sunni mood.
That was the bomb. (Praise Allah!)
*asplodes in laughter*
IELOL!
Caste away your melancholy mood, my friends…you’ll run yourselves raga-ed.
(can’t tell is she’s poking fun at our voices or our headgear)
(noooo…not making fun, darlin’. Just looping back to the “mood” motif.)
["Raga: That which enraptures." In the structure of melody in Indian music, a specific collection of sounds or notes. Raga is similar to "scale" in Western notation, but raga includes the unique emotional or mystical mood created when the melody is heard.]
our Sufis can grove to your raga voicings, my little Indian,
but there’s going to be a problem with the more staid Sunnis and Shiites among us if you call us rag-head again
I do hope you know I’d never, ever do or say such a thing. No joke. I’m so sorry if my joke offended, but I in no way meant anything so vulgar or unkind.
*puts scimitar away, gets out Rumi again*
*wink*
Awww, brilliant! =D
Your mood has just arrived here. I think it’s gonna stay
a while. Please don’t worry. It’s gonna be alright.
RELIGION SUCKS. SATIN RULES!!!
Yes, Satin is smooth and soft to the touch.
Ah, so you are a follower as well? but obviously not a Failblog veteran.
*nods and glares and Kurt*
Hey! Don’t you know it’s rude to kurt someone?
that’s what she said..
hail satin
/pentagram
pentagram isn’t necessarily a sign of Satan.
It can also represent the Wiccan religion.
Far from satanism.
what does satanism have to do with it?
i’d say its just as wierd and disturbing. fat guys that look like women are wiccans. just look at the dude that won the lottery after promising his wiccan gods that he would start a wiccan school if he won.
it also represents the sad ‘diet angst’ that thirteen year old girls and/or really fat women exhibit with such unique blandness! score for ridiculous religions and candles and herbs.
Satanism’s “pentagram” sign is actually an inverted (upside-down) pentagram of the kind that Wiccans use.
But I believe Addict was referencing that Satan Fail post, in which a grafitti artist tagged “Hail Satin” with a pentagram below…don’t remember if it was inverse or not.
Satin? *masturbates*
“Nights in wet satin…” *sing*
I prefer silk, but whatever maintains the bouyancy of your aquatic vessel.
The correct answer is blue velvet.
A shade of which is aqua velvet?
Heineken? **** that ****! Pabst Blue Ribbon!
Don’t you ****** look at me!
Mine sails on the backs of the souls of murders baby seals. Murdertastic!
Everyone knows animals don’t have souls.
And, yes, I’m aware that humans are animals.
So when I sold my soul for that jell-o shot…
???
…you totally came out ahead on the deal.
You totally came? With a head?? Lucky girl.
Thank you. I didn’t want to have to reply to myself. ::)
Sorry…I was out. But I’m revived now and on the job!
I hope you kept the receipt.
“ok, so this baby seal walks into a club…”
Sometimes a wind blows
and you and I
float
in love
and kiss
forever
in a darkness
and the mysteries
of love
come clear
and dance
in light
in you
in me
and show
that we
are Love
_____
(“Mysteries of Love,” lyrics by David Lynch, music by Angelo Badalamenti, from the Blue Velvet soundtrack)
she woreeee bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeee velveeeeeeet
“Mommy! Mommy!”
All Hoppered up — what a gas.
*Rim shot*
I KNEW you wanted that fist!!
Nah, I’m looking for one with SIGNIFICANT stains…
I’m sure someone here could accommodate you.
(Fists wont be accomodated below this level)
Fists aren’t accomodated on ANY of my levels!
*opens hands, opens heart … *
rim job.
mommy mommy can i go and play in trees in park.. mommy mommy can i stay out late with my friends after dark.. mommy mommy don’t underestimate my friends no…
“Mommy, mommy, I keep running around in circles.”
“Hush, sweetie, or I’ll nail your other shoe to the floor.”
I thought it was black velvet…damn
Satanism is a religion fool, you FAIL
Also you said satin which is not, I am assuming you meant Satan
Uuuhhhh, you might want to look back a few pages for the “Satin Fail” post, before you start flinging around the word “fool”…
Yup, Uthred is totally right.
You should keep up with the failblog.
You should too.
read my the second line
Ok. Then you should be funnier.
Oh, Gorgonzola!
I fear that here the fail is my the’ er than the pun.
*puns fuzz*
Hey you too, get a rhume.
*cough*
a Rumi “fail blog” …
____
All the particles of the world
are in love and looking for lovers.
Pieces of straw tremble
in the presence of amber.
We tremble like iron filings
welcoming the magnet.
Night and day meet in a mutual hug.
So different, but they do love each other…
But remember,
it is by failures that lovers
stay aware of how they are loved.
Failure is the key
to the kingdom within.
satanism is merely another denomination of christianity
… and who made you say that, hmm? HMMM???
Do the dance! C’mon! Do the freakin’ dance!
We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!
well, isn’ that special
ED…Friggin..Zachary!!!!!
fail accusation fail.
Hail Satin. Fear No Weevils.
Yeah, just ask Jim Jones and his follo……oh, wait…yeah, I forgot!
*sips grape Kool-Aid*
*dies*
“history, recent and past”
Isn’t all history past?
Tense FAIL!
WIN!
“recent and not so recent”. There, do you feel better now? And by the way, “recent and past” are temporal modifiers. It has nothing to do with “tense”. If anything, it could be viewed as a redundancy…. dumbass.
yes, it is redundant.
I would say what david said.
Hear, hear!
Si! Si!
Oh yes, yes, it’s Killerwit with our Spanish lesson of the day!
Oui oui!
Speaking of…
*runs to the bathroom*
superfluous again?
that’s doubly redundant
an etymologist’s ode to Sara J:
____
redundant
from Latin redundantem, lit. “overflow,” from re- “again” + undare “rise in waves” (see water ).
W(h)eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
Touche’, touche’!
Amen! I’d love to know how many people have died in the name of their god.
and people jumped around them cheering ‘martyr! martyr!’
(watch the documentary Jesus Camp, lol)
i’m gonna say, not very many. martyrdom is a pretty atypical way to die.
Depends on how you define “martyr”, David. The definition has broadened significantly in the last few decades.
is every “martyr” truly dying in the name of their god? more likely they’re just really pissed off about something, and using god to justify their actions. they only use god to justify their actions because it’s convenient. they could easily justify them some other way, as people are incredibly creative when it comes to justifying shit. god, though, is a pretty good catch-all.
i get uncomfortable when i post something that’s too long and not ridiculous, sou i’d just like to take the time to say, FIRST!
I wonder how many people have died in the name of their American “decider.”
This comment is too long.
yeah, uh totally.. he should have just said “first”..
that’s what i was thinking.
You make a good point, though. In our modern day, we think of religion as a kind of option — something we chose as a lifestyle accessory thing that’s just one part of who we are.
But for most of history, and in many parts of the world still today, “religion” is effectively the same thing as “life” or “social fabric” or “the way things are.”
The notion that religion is like something you choose from a menu is a modern idea.
vulva!
^ Usurping the frontal lobes and virtually all mental development beyond age 12.
Wow this is possibly the longest comment group I’ve seen…
Switch “comment group” with something and you get…
^^ “Wow this is possibly the longest running joking I’ve seen…”?
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWNNNNN
everyone knows methodists suck.
Yeah, well you swallow.
WIN!
everyone knows religion in general sucks.
unfortunately, not everyone knows this.
oh yeah, sorry, i was day-dreaming and in a perfect world.
y’all obviously know far too little about Tantra
*recommends Passionate Enlightenment by Miranda Shaw … but recommends a good practice teacher even more*
if it’s anything like Tantric Magic…good “personal trainer” WIN!
Methodists suck less than Baptists religion-wise…but as far as fellatio goes, I would think Methodists are better because they’re less stuck up. Soooo…would that be a sucking win?
No wonder they’re wanting to kill people — “Church of the Cross” — they’re clearly angry about something.
Yeah, you don’t want to cross those folks….
Man, that was dire
Strait up.
I see what you did there.
you made me lol so hard i peed.
you’re very easily amused aren’t you
alas, that paired with a weak bladder.
Wow.
dood, how do you get yer own avatar?
Ninjitsu?
So if this is the Methodist churches new selling point, I say GODLIKE WIN
I prefer the Rhythm Methodist.
What do you call a woman who practices the rhythm method?
Mommy!
Shoot, I just call her often.
Watch where yer shootin’ there, you might give her a tumor.
There could be nine of them when I’m done.
Ooh, I got a bad case of the nonuplets.
yeah, that is almost always fatal.. good luck with that, if you like I can loan you some books on that type of infection
It’s the Inquisition!
What?? I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition…
Pobrecita.
que? no hablo espagnol.
I love me some white girls!!!!
Sounds like fun. Can I join in?
Daisy chain?
Iron maiden?
(the inquisitive killer version)
Run to the Hills?
Run for your life?
::drums::
Wrong massacre, white man.
Somebody needs to get medieval on your ass.
You guys totally harshed my fictional orgy.
Here, have some popsicle ho sauce “parenting” lube.
Don’t go soft on us, Killer — many prospects remain to the creative discipline of an Inquisition Dom and his quips and chains.
*stays hard*
*gets out THE COMFY CHAIR!*
bwuaahahahahahaa….
NOONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Except Chuck Norris.
No, not even him
Put him in the comfy chair!
Damn. I should have scrolled down. You beat me to it!
Hindscroll is 20/20.
And I don’t imagine this particular witness in the comfy, um, stand will begrudge you providing him a repeat beating.
This one’s so old I think it’s actually in the Bible.
Right next to, “God helps those who helps themselves.”
And, “The road to hell are paved with good intentions.”
And, “Know thyself.”
::knows::
I know, right?
but if we were quoting a tantra,
then it would be the left
… and a very enlightening religious experience indeed.
(Epiphanies wont epiph below this level)
Sara said ‘phanies.
Lickable.
Fuzz is being sinister again.
(And I saw what you did there.)
You know what they say; hate the sin, not the sinister.
(Bar sinisters won’t have bastard children below this level)
a left-handed compliment indeed
South-pawed!
iPod!
iPawed!
You gots some awesome skintitillating cleverness on you, Ms. Sara!
(iPod = I peed in awe)
Helping yourself? *masturbates*
Hey give my tweezers back….
…..Actually, you can keep them
pwned!
…i smell somthing burning…hmmm bacon..
(Kevin Bacon jokes won’t nest below these level)
I always wondered why the cristians use a device of torture and execution as their primary symbol. Now I know…
Yeah, imagine if Jesus was killed by having his head chopped off by a guillotine (which did not exist at the time).
Some one please introduce the new pope to The Buddy Christ.
Do share that with us please?
The Church has, after all, been the cause of more wars than I’d care to know.
The “churchless” Soviet Union’s wars, China’s conflicts, the Koreas, the Vietnams, and on and on …. “The Church” had little to do with that shit.
It’s not religion. It’s us.
____
“Walk together, talk together, O ye peoples of the earth,
for then and only then will you have peace.”
(~ Rig Veda, Hindu scripture, 1000 BCE — and we’re still not doing it right)
Whoa there Fuzz! You are getting a little deep for this blog. Let’s get back to the masturbation jokes and flaming the bad spellers. This is the internet, not the Oprah show.
What say you and me go for a little walk, Chris … so’s I can show you some “deep peace”.
ahh, that’s better. Thanks fuzz.
It’ll be even deeper when I get through with it.
The Crusades. I rest my case.
Any amount of war is more than I’d care to know.
Not even the Crusades make your case. The Fourth, for example, was sponsored by Venetian merchants seeking pillage, and not religious conquest. Members of that crusade sacked cities irrespective of those cities’ religious cultures (Catholic fighters, at the behest of the merchants, sacked even other Catholic cities).
There’s no rest for the wicked … in any case.
the Oprah show is deep?
Yeah, the hindbrain still usurps the frontal lobe at the drop of a hat. Evolutionary FAIL
That’s what she said!
For those who may not be up on their neurology — the frontal lobes are instrumental in a human’s ability not to do something, i.e., not to act on impulse.
Areas of the hindbrain, contrarily, are involved in the basic activites known to neurologists as the “Four F’s” :
Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Sexual behavior.
Basically, the hindbrain drives these threads. Example: I usurped your mom’s frontal lobes.
*fronts*
World peace. Ur doin it rong.
Peace? We’re talking about religion here.
Religion? We’re talking about fail here.
So obviously fake it hurts.
Really, there are even automated generators which let you put any text you want on there.
Failblog fail.
Failblog never fails. It’s a bit like Nuck Chorris.
Failblog’s tears cure cancer.
And the great (fire)wall of China was actually built to keep failblog out of China.
In China, fails comment on you.
Whoops.
Comment, mademoiselle?
MDR!
Comment ça va?
‘ça va’ alone would suffice.
Yes, but in keeping with the “comment” joke above, it doesn’t make much sense to leave that part out, now does it?
“come on” ladies, mes cheries (or would those have been yours), anyway …
can’t we all just get off on another?
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Cherie, anyone??
yes, yes i see your point…
loz comes to her double-senses
FailBlog is mana and ambrosia all rolled into one!
You mean something like weed?
*cough* …What?
Except it’s free…
…What?
*nyuk nyuk nyuk*
FAIL FAIL.
Because that’s actually a syntax fail, submitter. Yay for linguistics.
FAIL FAIL.
Because that’s actually a syntax fail, sumbitter. Yay for linguistics.
FAIL FAIL
FAIL FAIL.
Double yay for doublement.
(Double the linguistics, double the pleasure. )
THANK YOU for catching that. I almost choked on the fail-fail blog.
Train yourself to push past the gag.
The syntax looks fine to me. The trouble is with the perceived meaning, not with the sentence structure.
Ayup…exactly what I was going to say. Syntax is the study of the rules for the formation of grammatical sentences in a language. The words on this sign are, technically, “grammatically” correct. However, they offer multiple, ambiguous meanings, which falls under the rules of semantics and pragmatics–denotation, connotation, etc.
*is a formally trained linguistic dragon*
Nerd-Alert!!
*proudly displays Nerd Badge*
I’m in love with you. Can you be a vagitarian? I will if you will.
Heehee!
While I am still searching for the nerd of my dreams, I’m afraid my interests lie with guy males of the masculine persuasion.
You can have a *smooch!* though! That oughtta get the guys on this site going.
/me masturbates.
girl nerd!?
::masturbates::
Makes me wish I had taken a picture of one of the church marquees here where I live. It said for the month of June: “Real dads git er done with Jesus”
Really, I want to meet the man in charge of what that thing says.
There was one on my route to work that said, “Forbidden fruit has caused many a bad jam.”
I nearly drove off the road.
forbidden fruit is often the sweetest, but it usually has a nasty aftertaste
Especially during its menses.
Semantics! So that’s how it’s called in Soviet Russia!
Not only in Soviet Russia but throughout the worldwide linguistic community.
…which will soon be annexed by Soviet Russia.
You mean “liberated” by Soviet Russia.
Georgia Fail
It’s been on my mind.
Ain’t that a peach?
it’s just an insightful Ray to the inner Fuzz
( did i just get called a fuzzy fruit? )
*nibbles*
forbidden fruit…*mmmmm*
peach fish fuzz … yeah, I’d jam that
*spreads*
…THE JAM, people, the JAM!!
Pervs. :p
Ain’t no rules, ain’t no vow, we can do it anyhow …
And we’re jammin’ in the name of the Lord.
_____
(pace Bob Marley,
RIP [Rastafarin' in Peace])
Oh crap, not again.
LOLZ! WIN!
Yeah, yeah… no need get all worked up on tehcnical terms and other french words such as lignuistic.
Anyway, my Soviet Russia joke seems to have been too subtle for you. So why don’t you mind your motherlovin’ business? huh?
BTW, my Soviet Russia joke is so subtle that even I can’t seem to understand what I was thinking when I wrote it. Anyone? Help?
Joke fail + comment fail + nickname fail = porka WIN!
.
.
.
w00t!
I’m sorry… But my Soviet Russia funny is really joke! It just don’t get you!
Your win is declared moot by your self-proclamation of it
WIN FAIL
**porka being scanned**
.
**..TROLL ALERT….HORSEGIRL ALERT…**
2 virus found(ed)
.
.
Please, bring out the spray
Past reference WIN(ed)!
I can assure you that ‘lignuistic’ is not French.
But you should google it for some fun. Nice typo. ^^
Et voila le french!
Dude… it was part of the joke… ‘Lignuistic’ is not a french word, but sure is a ‘tehcnical’ term.
BTW, we should definitely turn this into a game: the person whose typo returns the most results on Google wins.
do people not realise that soviet russia no longer technically exists?
In no longer existent Soviet Russia lies are not real.
That’s just what they want you to think, buster.
Don’t mean to crash the party, cos I’m all for making fun of churches/church signs, however, this is very likely fake (especially with how pixelated it is). There are plenty of websites that make fake church signs, i.e. churchsigngenerator dot com.
Wow, are all the good website ideas already taken!!?
Yeah, fatsexymilf.com is also taken.
damm!!!!
*bookmarks*
Oh Methodists, is this the best method you could come up with?
it’s the evangelicals you have to watch.
Yes, with their TBN and their ‘I’ll save your soul if you give me your money.’
Truth WIN
Why do we say “WIN” instead of “SUCCESS”?
GREAT success!
Great justice!
Because we’re lazy-ass typists?
O, I C.
R u bz?
RDRR
I m n d lf8r. R u?
My double oo’s are lying stacked on the fl8r.
I laughed so hard I think I broke my pelvis…
(mostly ‘cuz I read “fl8r” as “fellator”)
*oo’s!*
CONQUER!
I posted that question a while ago.
You probably forgot to use capitals.
I’m making a note here: huge success
portal referance win.
This has been one of the most entertaining threads on failblog I have ever seen. Good job everyone!
Not necessarily fake; I saw the same thing written on a church sign in my hometown. It spreads quickly.
liek ur mom
Oh Snap!!
your mom or her bad case of herpes?
I’ve never seen so many euphemisms on one page.
*internet implodes*
Is that a euphemistic way to indicate your cyber climax?
wait for me! im not there yet!!
Forgive me father for I have sinned…
Nah, I don’t think so *zaaaaaaaaaaaap*
I always knew the damned church was trying to do me in >_<
I also tried to do you in. I succeeded.
ought to be a church of scientology. lol
I was going to give the church a call but then I realised my phone only had the first three numbers on it. =(
I admit I don’t have a picture of this (cause it happened a long time ago), but when I was about 14/15, I was walking through my local shopping center, and a charity shop had the following sign in the window….
“GENOCIDE IN RWANDA –
YOU CAN HELP”
And yet people thought I was crazy when I couldn’t stop laughing.
That’s not an error in semantics, it’s an error in syntax…
Spelling FAIL
somantics
That would be a philosilosophicable matter.
I feel so much happier now.
Lol Thats some church huh
Syntax fail, actually.
Awesome… This is my church. It’s in Lexington, Ohio. The guy who made this sign did it on purpose. He put up all kinds of funny sayings for a few years.